He said it’s me

[stonecoldstone]

I’ve known things weren’t right for a while, I’m always wrong and treading carefully around him trying to keep him happy. Sometimes it’s ok but he mostly ignores me.

I’ve been reading and thought he ticks a lot of boxes of being emotionally abusive but I want to make things work. I don’t want to split the family up, I just want things to change.
I asked him if we could talk on Friday but he went to bed early.
So last night I tried again and he said it’s all me. I’m rude, I’m angry, I don’t speak to him like a wife should, he’s scared to talk to me. He turned the tv up half way through our talk so it’s like he doesn’t even care.
These are all the things I thought about him.

I asked him for examples but he couldn’t give me any, I could give him 100s but he didn’t ask and he wasn’t going to listen.

So now I’m left feeling really shit and thinking carefully before I speak. I really thought it was him but all day I’ve been questioning myself.

I always run everything past him, he checks our online shop in case I’ve done it wrong. My heads all over the place and I don’t know what to do. I feel sick. I know it’s not right but I can’t see how I can make things ok again

@stonecoldstone sorry you're going through this. As pp's have said you are definitely in an emotionally abusive relationship. Please read up about narcissistic tendencies and emotional abuse. He is abusing you. Gaslighting, ignoring your opinions, projecting his behaviour onto you. Please don't settle for this behaviour anymore.

I know how difficult it is to break out of a relationship when you've been treated like this, constantly second guessing yourself, walking on eggshells, trying not to do anything that will cause him to be annoyed at you. Just accept that it definitely isn't you and there is nothing you can do to make him treat you better.

So today I spoke to a couple of friends and I’m sorting out counselling cause I think I need to talk to someone independent.

Felt ok earlier when he wasn’t here, I can pretend it’s not happening, as soon as it got close to home I start feeling on edge.

What else should I do now? Try and talk again or see the counsellor and see what they say? Or see a solicitor?

Thank you all for your messages, you give me hope

Something you can do for now, is start to really examine in yourself why exactly you feel that you need to explain yourself or discuss anything with him. Do you feel you need his permission to start divorce proceedings? Do you feel that if you discussed it, he would understand how awful it is for you and that he would change? Do you just need to be heard? Do you feel the urge to explain to him that your intentions are good and that you are really trying? Do you want him to tell you what you need to do to be elevated to a normal human in his eyes?

You need to find out what is going on here, because it is all bollocks and that is why you are so confused. You have sort of lost yourself - you see yourself through his eyes and the real you is buried deep down and isn't being heard at all. Do you remember yourself as a young woman, full of hope, starting to live your life? That is you - where has that person gone?

You can start to find exactly what you really want and need and then start working towards it.

Seeing a counsellor is good. Look after yourself... seek happiness independent of him. Not saying to be nasty or anything... try and find other things to make you happy.

It could be reading...the gym... socialising...gardening (weather's crap I know) and be the best version of you, that you can be for yourself.

As you become happier within yourself and hopefully do a lot if self exploration in counselling...you'll gain strength and then revaluate things.

Keep talking to your friends. For what it's worth I really don't like your H.