New relationship going south?

[notthiscrapagain]

Please help me figure out what to do here. I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 months and until just recently I genuinely thought it was the best relationship I'd been in. Very positive, down to earth guy, very loving and supportive, laid-back, same values, his family are lovely too, stable job and friendships etc (ie no red flags).

However in the past few weeks he's taken a nosedive. His job which he's been in for a a few years is suddenly causing him so much stress he's being physically sick in the mornings, not sleeping well. His dad has been ill for some time and my boyfriend is usually very supportive with him and his mum but with the stress of work too it was getting to him (multiple phone calls a day with things going in one ear and out the other) and he's taken a step back from them. His close friends have also recently moved away and I think that has affected him too.
I persuaded him to see GP who signed him off work which is good, however I'm finding it difficult to cope with the apparent change in his personality.

I have a 6 year old DC and a job etc, and I feel like my boyfriend is wanting more of me than I can give. Actually even before the current problems he's probably been more full on than I'd like, as I do appreciate and need some time to myself. I'm running around in circles trying to make sure I'm looking after my DC, my flat, doing my job and having to give 110% to a relationship with someone this needy is draining me and making me feel very stressed out myself!

I ended up driving over to see him after I'd been out on our usual evening together which meant a very late night and a longer commute in the morning, basically because he was being needy. Then the other night he woke me up asking about a message he'd seen on my phone (not from going through my phone, just glancing at it while I was on WhatsApp). It really freaked me out because the way he was asking sounded like he was accusing me of something, not nice at all in the middle of the night. And generally he's just seeming edgy, negative, slightly aggressive/irritable. He says he's never normally like this and I don't know whether to believe him or not but I don't think his friends or parents etc would recognise this version of him - it all appears to be out of character!

What can I do? I don't want to dump someone who is struggling but I'm starting to feel quite unsure about the relationship, I just don't want to deal with instability like this if it's ongoing.

Hi OP, afraid I don’t have any advice but wanted to comment as I’m going through a very similar thing in a new relationship. He’d been acting off with me for several weeks and had a lot of stress going on and then last week broke down and told me how he’s been struggling with depression and anxiety for over a year and has never told anyone about how he’s feeling. He has a very professional job and to the outside world the perfect life which is why he feels guilty and unable to tell anyone that he’s so unhappy. He’s got a doctors appointment this week but over the weekend has had a lot of panic attacks.
Weirdly I have the exact opposite situation to you in that he’s very withdrawn from me, says he appreciates my help and me being there for him but is making excuses not to see me or talk to me about what’s going on. I’ve been really struggling but have found googling advice on depression in men has been very useful at understanding his behaviour.
Good luck!

You should never stay in a relationship, particularly such a young one, out of a sense of guilt.

I would take the challenge about seeing a message on your phone as a sign that he's not in the best place to sustain a relationship. Your first duty is to yourself and your child.

I'm staying to think mental illness might be a deal-breaker for me. I don't think I'm really putting across how panicked and unhappy things like this make me. I've had it in previous relationships and it was just awful . I know people can't help it and I've had problems myself so I should be understanding, but it just feels like the ground shifting under my feet.

Re the message, I think most people would advise people to ask their partner if they saw something on their phone that bothered them.

Re the depression, he needs help. You are not qualified to help him. Tell him this.

Hopefully you can get back on track. His depression may explain his insecurity.

@HereIgoagainxx I guess so, but waking me up at 2am to demand to know what it was? We'd had a lovely evening, had sex and went to sleep and then he woke me up with this very edgy tone of voice, didn't seem to really accept what I said etc. Was very apologetic in the morning and said he was having 'a type of panic attack'.

Maybe I'm being too hasty. I'm just on high alert for problems like this and get freaked out pretty quickly.

Hi OP I’d be very wary of him. Him waking you up re a message sounds abusive actually. He sounds like he’s got a lot going on but these are not your issues. He’s needy - not attractive. Your child has to come first. You need firmer boundaries with him - tell him you can’t do something and see how he handles it.
What’s his relationship history - how does he refer to his ex girlfriends.
He may be projecting and it maybe him that’s having sex on the side.
Proceed with caution or end it.

I think you need to set aside the issues he’s having now for the moment and clear some of the smoke and confusion

Before all this you already thought he was too full on

And now he’s changed for the worst, taking his “full on” to “needy and desperately panicking” - for whatever reason - and you’re tearing yourself to pieces trying to make it all work

He’s taking you away from your child and on top of that waking you up in the middle of the night to demand answers

I’m fully prepared to be accused of projecting and I might be, but I have experience of a man like that and it damaged me

Objectively This relationship is not working for you at all. It’s stressing you to the gills and 8m in, it’s not worth your own health and well being.

The way he deals with stress is to rub you ragged

If YOU needed some looking after, he’d not step up, he’d step away. He’s done this to his own dad.

I think this guy is showing you who he is.

The other thing to think about is fast forward to a time that you have this man in your dc life... what sort of example will he set to your son about how to treat others, women, your own parents...

I don’t think he’s a keeper, and I absolutely don’t think you should stay in a relationship that’s only months old when it’s making you very uncomfortable and unhappy

This has got a few flags waving imo. My ex thought I'd kissed a guy when I went out to have a cigarette with him very early on in our relationship. We were in the middle of an amazing weekend and I was shocked that he'd think that. I spent 13 years with a very controlling and jealous person.

I think the honeymoon is over & he’s showing you who he really is

You might be right. I honestly don't know 

it takes on average 18m- 2 years for a controlling/abusive/manipulative person's mask to slip, until then they are able to present themselves as the perfect partner.

the fact that he is acting like this so soon, and even if it's stress related, he's directing it at you, is highly relevant. It means that YOU are being made responsible for his mood/happiness/otherwise.

Waking you up at 2am is something my abusive ex did, it's common. he has no right to do that to you. He had an edge to his voice that scared you - that was his intention.

Even if he IS a good man behaving like this out of stress - you don't have to put up with it - in fact, you shouldn't allow yourself to be used as a metaphorical emotional punchbag. the fact remains that if this is purely stress, it means that he is not in a position to be in a relationship and that it's better to end it now.

@Hissy thank you.

With his parents, it's not that he isn't helping, he just had to ask his mum to stop calling multiple times a day when he was working.

And I know he knows he hasn't behaved particularly well. He's been very apologetic. I've asked for some space which he's been respectful of, he's also made an initial appointment to get some counselling (CBT). I do think he's slipping into depression and having a real crisis so I'm aware this isn't his usual self but I'm not sure if it's a good idea for me to continue, given that I'm feeling uncomfortable now. I genuinely don't think he's a bad guy at all, he seems very decent but I haven't really known him that long so there's a part of me that thinks I can't be sure.

He's just found (today) out he's being made redundant too.

The poor guy, it must feel like his world is caving in and you are the only rock he can cling to.

I don't think he's being abusive at all, I think he's utterly overwhelmed. Do you want to be there for him or not really? If not, you may as well finish it now so that he can process everything at once. Or decide to stick with him it's up to you really. It doesn't sound though that you see yourself in a 'supportive partner' role to him yet.

I don't think he is in a place to be in a relationship

Do NOT feel pressured to stick with him because of what's going on, i know that this appears cruel, but you have too much going on in your own life to be able to take this behaviour, and given that you only together a few months, it's better to get things tidy and clear and make the break

if you feel you can't do that, then step back and say to him that you don't think he's in the right place for a relationship and you don't want to add to that, so it's best to go forward as friends only.

I'm feeling so sad tonight. I do want to support my bf and be there for him, but after speaking to both my mum and sister they both had the impression that he could be quite controlling. Just from his manner and how he comes across. Earlier today I was sure I was going to end it but now all I can think about is how much I care about him, how kind he's been and how lovely the relationship has seemed to be. But to change like he has is just so deeply unsettling, i don't know if I trust what we have any more, or if it was all a bit of an illusion.

8 months in and it should still be lovey dovey, desperate to see each other etc, but this sounds quite scary to me. I would be out of there, pronto, no-one need this constant angst and drama, you have a daughter that certainly shouldn't be exposed to this.
End it and have some fun.

@Onemansoapopera what part of this statement makes you think this man isn't potentially abusive? "the other night he woke me up asking about a message he'd seen on my phone (not from going through my phone, just glancing at it while I was on WhatsApp). It really freaked me out because the way he was asking sounded like he was accusing me of something, not nice at all in the middle of the night. And generally he's just seeming edgy, negative, slightly aggressive/irritable." Who needs that shit after 8 months?Personally OP I would run a mile.

I don't think he's abusing me, it's just that the dynamic has got a bit unhealthy. He's taking responsibility for that, we've had a good talk tonight and I think the best thing is to dial it back and see how things go. I'm very alert to the possibility that it might not be fixable but I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt given what he's going through at the moment. I have told him in no uncertain terms that if there's ever a repeat of the jealousy/ waking me up sounding suspicious or not respecting my privacy then it's game over. He was mortified and went to his gp the following day as he said it's not 'him' at all. I think he's been at breaking point with the stress atm and I don't feel it's fair to judge his character on a few bad days. Fair enough if he was verbally or physically abusing me but I don't think he crossed that line, it was wrong but I can get past it as a one-off. Maybe this all sounds terribly naive and minimising, I don't know really.

Also I know we've only been together months not years but we can't choose when things happen can we? No idea if the relationship is going to work out really but just pondering what some posters have said. Surely it's not right to disappear at the first sign of trouble? I really wouldn't feel good about that.

Just remember that poor mental health isn't a free pass to behave like a dick.

Judge him and react to him based on his actions, not his excuses. So, pushing back hard over the 2am calls is sensible.

Only give as much as you can afford to give. You are giving more. Stop.

I have a 6 year old DC and a job etc, and I feel like my boyfriend is wanting more of me than I can give. Actually even before the current problems he's probably been more full on than I'd like, as I do appreciate and need some time to myself. I'm running around in circles trying to make sure I'm looking after my DC, my flat, doing my job and having to give 110% to a relationship with someone this needy is draining me and making me feel very stressed out myself!

Step right back. Keep back as much time and energy as you want for yourself and your DC. Once you've got your own life balance correct then you can offer him some of your spare capacity. If that's not enough for him then that's his problem not yours.

You and DC are priority 1. He is a nice optional extra, especially at only 8 months.

Thanks @CottonTailRabbit, I found that post very helpful. Have been awake since 4am after having lots of strange dreams about various boyfriends and memories that aren't real. Feeling a bit fragile today and not looking forward to having to go to work. I can't see myself breaking up with him but I definitely 100% need to step back.

I expect that if you do step back and put some boundaries in it will make him angry and the relationship will end anyway.
I'm a working single mum and my energy is precious. I just don't have spare to use on a man who isn't balancing it in other ways. Think hard about whether you do.

I think you sound very sensible OP. My one piece of advice is to look for a cycle. I had an ex that sounded scarily like your DP. He went like this and I pushed back and he settled down. A few months later he went like it again. I didn't push back somuch because I thought it was him having MH issues so felt sorry for him BUT......looking back I realised that actually it was him being controlling and abusive and it was him testing me and my boundaries. Long story short, it went on for four years until I was a mere shadow of the person I had been. I had MH issues of my own as aresult and I had to get away from him or I would have ended up dead. If you begin to see a cycle or he becomes systematically abusive, leave is my advice.
Try and find out how he has been in previous relationships.