New relationship going south?

[notthiscrapagain]

Please help me figure out what to do here. I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 months and until just recently I genuinely thought it was the best relationship I'd been in. Very positive, down to earth guy, very loving and supportive, laid-back, same values, his family are lovely too, stable job and friendships etc (ie no red flags).

However in the past few weeks he's taken a nosedive. His job which he's been in for a a few years is suddenly causing him so much stress he's being physically sick in the mornings, not sleeping well. His dad has been ill for some time and my boyfriend is usually very supportive with him and his mum but with the stress of work too it was getting to him (multiple phone calls a day with things going in one ear and out the other) and he's taken a step back from them. His close friends have also recently moved away and I think that has affected him too.
I persuaded him to see GP who signed him off work which is good, however I'm finding it difficult to cope with the apparent change in his personality.

I have a 6 year old DC and a job etc, and I feel like my boyfriend is wanting more of me than I can give. Actually even before the current problems he's probably been more full on than I'd like, as I do appreciate and need some time to myself. I'm running around in circles trying to make sure I'm looking after my DC, my flat, doing my job and having to give 110% to a relationship with someone this needy is draining me and making me feel very stressed out myself!

I ended up driving over to see him after I'd been out on our usual evening together which meant a very late night and a longer commute in the morning, basically because he was being needy. Then the other night he woke me up asking about a message he'd seen on my phone (not from going through my phone, just glancing at it while I was on WhatsApp). It really freaked me out because the way he was asking sounded like he was accusing me of something, not nice at all in the middle of the night. And generally he's just seeming edgy, negative, slightly aggressive/irritable. He says he's never normally like this and I don't know whether to believe him or not but I don't think his friends or parents etc would recognise this version of him - it all appears to be out of character!

What can I do? I don't want to dump someone who is struggling but I'm starting to feel quite unsure about the relationship, I just don't want to deal with instability like this if it's ongoing.

Your mother and your sister know you, they know the nuances and they know what it’s doing to you

They say he’s not good news

Listen to them

If your DM and sister are right, you won’t see this because of the dynamics of these kinds of relationships

Step WAY back. Out the door back.

You don’t have to make a song and dance about it with him , just fade it out

If your DM and sister are right, you won’t see this because of the dynamics of these kinds of relationships

Thanks for all the posts @Hissy. It's really helpful. When you say that I won't see it myself, why is that? Am feeling quite disoriented . I definitely haven't 'put up and shut up' about anything that hasn't sat quite right with me and he has appeared to be very receptive to anything I've raised, but is it still a warning sign that there could be an abusive dynamic creeping in?

Message from my DSis :

"He is a huggy and touchy person which is fine but he doesn't seem to either realise or care that other people might not like that.
I feel he has moved very quickly in trying to establish a footing within the family and is overstepping slightly and that worries me and makes me cross and concerned."

If you want to stay with him you need to have a good long think about putting some strong boundaries in place. He's overstepping the mark in a few ways.
May even be helpful to have a very rigid schedule for seeing him and stick to it.
Talk to him about it. Tell him why you're putting those boundaries in place. And make it clear that if he oversteps them it will mean the end of the relationship.

It sounds like he is going through a really rough time. I think only leave if you didn't care for the relationship before this sudden rough patch. If you were happy in the relationship before this then stay rather than leaving at the first period of difficulty. People do have times when things in their life fall down and they struggle. At the same time if you stay it is reasonable for you to remind him that you have dc and have to take care of them and yourself and also to let him know that you are struggling with this change in dynamic.

I like how most posters have decided he's an abusive dickhead and completely minimised what the poor sod is going through. Really hope you all have more empathy (as,OP clearly does) in real life.

@Onemansoapopera I think it's because sometimes behaviours can seem to be part of that pattern, whether they really are or not. And people read their own experiences into things.

But I really value the advice I've had on here, although I've reflected and decided I was being too hasty seeing his behaviour in a sinister light. Stress does funny things to people, we've had a very full and frank discussion and I feel confident he's taking in what I'm saying. I have been feeling under pressure and a bit freaked out but a couple of days has helped me to rebalance actually and we've both agreed that he needs to give me breathing space and just take it all down a notch.

And I do care and want to support him. I'm just going to be careful that I don't over-extend myself!

If it isn't working for you - then get out. Its a pity he is having such a tough time, but you do have yourself and DC to consider and both should come first.

I would be furious about anyone waking me in the night especially to ask about something on my phone.

Your sister is immune to what he’s doing, you have a need to be loved, you have dc and your sis is picking up a spidey sense that he’s rushing to embed himself into your life

He’s making you feel out of control- that’s the sign right there that something is wrong, but you WANT this relationship to work, you’ve invested a huge amount of effort and perhaps you feel shame that he’s into your private life, got close to you and your dc and now you can’t back away.

The sunk costs fallacy

The way he makes you feel is the key here, the fact your sis is picking up on it, rather than being pleased for you, she thinks he’s being overly possessive

As long as you are not over extending yourself then it should be fine.

Do be strict on yourself to make sure you priortise your own MH even when you feel compelled to "be nicer". You have DC, you have to get your own oxygen mask secured first.