Sister made demands at nieces wedding

[Risinup]

My daughter got married recently. She's nearly 30, lived with her partner and they paid for their own wedding. They both decided to have a child free reception although children would be welcome to the ceremony and in the official photographs. They wanted a fun, party style reception and thought adults would have more fun without having to worry about their kids.
Our rather large extended family has always invited all and sundry to every event so I expected there would be a few unhappy people. I let them all know personally a year out that kids would not be invited to the reception.
My sister was absolutely livid. She had a 8 year old daughter and she insisted her daughter must be invited to the reception.
I let her know that even the grooms 3 nephews were not coming or my husbands nieces but she said she didn't care. They weren't as close as her daughter was. I tried reasoning with her and reminding her that my daughter was actually very close to my husbands nieces but she refused to accept this. She said I should "make" my daughter listen to me and invite her 8 year old cousin. I told my sister another 13 children weren't invited as well. My sister said she didn't care and her daughter was important and that's how things have always been in our family. I agreed that more often then not that was true which is why I was giving her a years notice. She refused to back down and we didn't speak about it again and I hoped she'd cooled down and accepted it.
My daughter sent out invites and got every rsvp but my sisters. I called her up to ask if she was coming and she said yes. So great huh?
Meanwhile it began to get back to me that she had been complaining to all our extended family for the last year and my mum even asked me to "tell" my daughter that she had to invite my sisters child. I even did ask my daughter to consider inviting all the children just to smooth things over. We couldn't just invite my sisters child as that would make all the other parents, who had older children and been very good about it, feel left out. My daughter thought about it but ultimately said it wasn't what they both wanted for their wedding and truthfully the restaurant was too small for another 2 tables to be added to accomodate 14 children.
Week before the wedding I called my sister and she began to have a go about her daughter missing out and refused to listen when I reminded her it was not her wedding and we were supporting the bride and groom who had decided this after putting a lot of thought into it.
Day of the wedding arrived. Sister made a scene during the photos and stormed off saying if her daughter wasn't there she wasn't going to be in the photo. I told her several times over the past year that her daughter was welcome to come to the ceremony and be in photos. Sister didn't come near me or my husband even though we had sat them on the main table with us and our mum and siblings. She played on her phone during the reception and then had a loud argument with her partner outside which 15 guests witnessed. Then she and partner left early without even saying goodbye.
She made my husband and I feel so miserable on one of the happiest occasions of our life. We have basically not spoken to them since as she feels she is fully justified and my extended family are backing her indirectly by agreeing that her daughter should have been there as it's what "always happens" and the bride should have invited them.
Am I totally wrong to be fed up with her and her behaviour? I basically have very little interaction with any of my family now as when we are all together it's very awkward

Your sister sounds like a selfish entitled cow and the rest of your family, agreeing that her daughter should have been there, are just as bad! It is sad that your family were not happy for your daughter to have the wedding she wanted without being so vocal about their disproval. So awful the day was spoilt for you. If I was your daughter I would be telling them straight what I thought of them all.

It makes absolutely no difference what us (on MN) or anyone else thinks about child free weddings, it was the bride and grooms choice end of.

Op your sister sounds like a cow and I really hope she didn't upset or ruin the day for the bride and groom.

Your sister sounds awful. It's up to the bride and groom whether or not they have children at their wedding.

It was their choice to have a child free wedding. It doesn’t matter if other people don’t like it. As is often said on here, it is an invitation, not a summons.

What 8 year old would want to go anyway. It would be as dull as hell for her.

Wow, rather than all the pussy footing around for a year trying to explain why didn't you just say, 'you know what Sheila? It's Susan's wedding, this is what she wants. See if you don't like it, don't come!'

your sister is selfish and horrible

I do sort of hate this whole “but we feel like our guests would enjoy themselves more in the evening without their children.” It’s fine to just say children aren’t invited because we don’t want them there. As a parent l can decide for myself if it’s better for me to have my children in tow. I don’t need anyone’s permission to get a babysitter. But that said, child free weddings are totally fine and your sister should have respected that.

This 100%!!! Have a childfree wedding if that's what you want. I totally get why couples make that decision and respect the choice. But telling me, 'it's so the wedding will be more fun for me,' is patronising nonsense. If it's what the couple want that's fine, own it. Just don't make out like it's some sort of favour for people who are actually capable of deciding for themselves what is and isn't more fun for them.

Don't apologize, sounds like you bent over backwards to be accommodating.
Your sister is really rude, dreadful behaviour to hijack someone's wedding like that.
As you were not the host and the guest list was therefore not under your control, she's directing her anger at the wrong person.
But fwiw, I think its mean to exclude such close family members. Your daughters wedding, her choice, and she should suck up the consequences, not you. Why is she not involved in sorting this out?

It’s a bit weird to invite children for part of the day, but then say they have to leave. I do sort of hate this whole “but we feel like our guests would enjoy themselves more in the evening without their children.”

I totally agree with this. By all means have it childfree wedding but don't dress it up as doing your guests a favour, especially if you invite the kids for part of the day and then tell them to fuck off.

telling me, 'it's so the wedding will be more fun for me,' is patronising nonsense. If it's what the couple want that's fine, own it

I agree; far better to just be clear and polite about what's on offer and leave it at that

Who knows - it might even avoid some of the "yes, buts ... ", the "oh, it won't apply to babies" and all the rest

She didn't invite the kids to the wedding, then tell them to fuck off. They were welcome to come if the parents wanted - different thing!

She didn't invite the kids to the wedding, then tell them to fuck off. They were welcome to come if the parents wanted - different thing!

But they're not welcome in the evening. Again, that's fine, but don't dress it up as doing guests a favour.

Your sister has been incredibly rude and unpleasant.

I think I would just leave her to it.

What she did was wrong.

I love children at weddings and I would never ban them, but then it was not my wedding and it was not your sister's either.

Focus on your husband and daughter and new son-in-law. Your sister has made her choice.

SassitudeandSparkle "But - it does seem terribly rude to me to invite children to the ceremony and photographs but not the reception! If anyone did that, they wouldn't have time to take the children home themselves, what did you expect them to do"

I must admit I think it is unusual to have the kids there for ceremony and in photos but not for the party, and in a way would have been better to just say no kids at all.

" Also, not nice to say they'd enjoy the reception more without the children - that's for your guests to decide. The B&G meant they would enjoy the reception more without children!"

Maybe they thought everyone would enjoy it without each other's kids. Which is fair enough. Family had time to make arrangements, or say no.

Your sister OP did neither, she said yes and then thoroughly embarrassed herself and you by implication.

I'd await an apology, and if it never came I would accept that making her point meant more to her than her niece and her sister, which is very sad indeed.

I'm intetested in logistics. Was the wedding local? Who took all the kids home, did guests leave and drive their kids to ? babysitter then come back again?

I think there's plenty of poor behaviour here. Sister shouldn't hange behaved that way. But, having wedding ceremony and photos presumably for cute pics of whole family etc but then kids all need to be removed which sounds like a probable pain in the arse for multiple parents and advising them that this is for their own benefit also strikes me as a bit shitty.

Your sister shouldn't have gone probably but it's hard when it's family as a refusal is often not accepted.

Nightmare all round.

Your DS sounds horrible. She was invited & shouldn't have attended if she was upset children were not invited. To cause a scene is rude & unforgivable

I would want nothing to do with her if I was you or your DD

Whatever people's personal opinions on the B&G's choices, there's no good excuse for bad manners - OP, your sister was extremely ill-mannered. Behaving like a sulky teenager in public because you didn't get your own way is unacceptable in a teenager, in an adult it's embarrassing (for the adult, or ought to be at least).

Leave her to it, she'll either grow up or she won't.

Your sister was horrible.

But I have to say I agree with the following-

But - it does seem terribly rude to me to invite children to the ceremony and photographs but not the reception! If anyone did that, they wouldn't have time to take the children home themselves, what did you expect them to do - wave the children off from the church?. Also, not nice to say they'd enjoy the reception more without the children - that's for your guests to decide.

Your sister was in the wrong. Our family don't attend child free weddings, we have had two in the last few years one niece, one nephew who did that and both were unhappy that the majority of family (large Irish family so huge amount missing) didn't attend including siblings. But it was their choice and we all abided by it. And that is what your sister should have done. Be adult enough to say "I'm sorry but if my daughter isn't welcome I won't be attending. I hope it all goes well and you have a lovely day" and that's it just let it go. I'm sorry you were upset by it all but you have every right to be angry with her.

Your sister was wrong in causing such a fuss.

In saying that child free weddings can cause a huge logistical nightmare regardless of how much notice you get.

I would be upset if one of my siblings didn’t invite my kids to their wedding as we are a close family but I would simply decline the invitation.

That is outrageous behaviour. You are never gonna get that day back. What a self entitled obnoxious cow.

I would be done with her for the foreseeable.

If I'd been invited to that wedding I wouldn't have gone, as I don't agree with child-free weddings.

People have every right to the kind of wedding they want, as long as they accept that their guests might choose not to attend and don't feel 'entitled' to have them there. Was your sister pressured into being there without her daughter?

What's not ok is to go to a wedding of your own free will and then cause an unpleasant scene.

Who to invite to the wedding is up to the B & G

If your sister wasn't happy she should have declined to attend

Making a scene at the wedding is despicable and vile

If your family really are backing her, they are nuts. Just because your family 'always' invite children to events, does not mean your daughter had to follow family tradition

It sounds like your family are placing the alleged interests of your sister's DD over your DD. I would distance myself and enjoy supporting DD in her marriage. How horrible of your SIL to spoil their day. There is no excuse for that. She had plenty of time to organise childcare, it just sounds like she's used to getting her own way and her child coming before yours. Also whatever people's thoughts on the bride's and groom's choices it's their big day and they paid for it themselves.

We only had our daughter at our wedding.

We just didn't want other kids there. The venue wasn't large and it just wasn't great for them.

Luckily most of our family was respectful of this including DHs cousin who came all the way from cananda and left her 1 year old there.

No child weddings are becoming more normal and your sister acted like a spoilt overgrown brat.