My husband has left me for another married/mother woman

[Sammie68]

Hi, recently found out my husband of 20 odd years has had an affair and wants to make it work with her and isn’t in love with me anymore. I have two teenagers. My heart is broken. I have to move on now but find it really hard coming to terms with suddenly being alone. It’s not the life I planned. He never talked to me to say how he felt or I would have done anything to make it work. We were stuck in a rut but I tried to arrange nights out and felt it wasn’t anything that couldn’t have been resolved with help. No one gives you a manual for marriage. I’m going through so many emotions. Trying to be strong but fall back down again.

If anyone has been through something similar any advice on how to cope to get through this grieving stage would be appreciated. Thank you!

You will be OK and will get through this.

Main thing - get legal advice!!!!!
Why do you say you have to move out?
Stay out and let the lawyers do their job. If he wants to live with his new woman - he can move out.
Remember - at least half of all assets are yours. And certainly half of the house.
Don’t go anywhere

Hi thanks for responding he has moved out already and I have already applied for divorce as it’s over. It’s getting through this stage I’m struggling with. It’s trying to protect the children without saying too much and protecting them but I’m also conscious they shouldn’t think what he has done is ok.

You sound worn down by it all, wrung out and I imagine you've cried yourself to sleep most nights.

Any advice I can offer is going to be the usual, get out, make friends, hobbies, even get a dog and go out for long walks.

Have you had counselling? I left my husband but still had several weeks of counselling as I really didn't want to leave.

Now is your time.... of course you need to be there for the kids but each day do something nice for yourself, bubble bath, perfume, haircut, new dress, day out with friends. It won't happen overnight but I promise you, it will get better and in a year or so you may even be grateful he left.

The surviving infidelity website has lots of information and advice, many people who have been through the same thing. It’s very supportive there.

Thank you. I have booked in for counselling awaiting appointment as need help. I am strong but this has knocked me sideways and can’t make sense of it.

It’s like a bereavement so you have to go through the 5 stages of the grieving process and there isn’t really a short cut

I feel for you - my children were 8 and 9 when this happened to me. I always say that Radio 4 helped me through it. I was going over and over everything in my head, not eating, coping with a job and the two children on very little money.Going over and over things was not helping - just making me more exhausted. I used to plug myself in to R4 at work, filling my head with stories, plays, talks, discussions etc. instead. It gave some relief until I could actively do something towards sorting my life out. It was about 30 years ago. You will come out the other side, reliant on yourself, which is far better than relying on a fickle man.

Thanks stillamum I’m in a similarish boat, off to switch on radio 4 and nice to know outcome is becoming self reliant

I agree with PP who wrote that it’s a bereavement. It most certainly is a bereavement and your idea to get counselling is an excellent first step. But even with the counselling your emotions will run their course, especially with children. And he needs to be actively involved in helping them work through their feelings and adjustment. I’m so sorry this has happened to you!

Thank you everyone as I feel I need advice from those who have been there and to know I will get through it. The hurt is so painful and you can’t just walk away as you will always have that tie with the children. So hard

@Sammie68 like PP said it's like a bereavement so you have to let yourself grieve. It's a shitty situation to be in I know I've been there (26 years married, 28 together 2 DC's 22 & 12 and my ex had an affair with a 25 yr old employee- not a cliche or anything).

Things I found that helped were Counselling (I had hypno-psychotherapy) which really made a massive difference to me - helped me break the emotional ties. It also gave me an outlet to talk about his behaviour and what he'd done (he was really abusive after we split up).

The other thing was audiobooks, the worst part for me was nighttime when I wouldn't be able to sleep and I'd lie there and things would just go round and round in my head and putting on an audiobook really helped. I'd put it on and listen until I fell asleep and then when I woke up during the night I'd just carry on listening while it played away. It helps if it's an audiobook of a book you know really well as you don't need to really follow the story.

Thanks for the advice everyone

Can I join in please.
I am in a similar situation. Married for 26 (been together 27)
He one day just said " I love you but am NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU"!
that was a blow..
This happened 10 weeks ago...
How can they do that!?
Very hard to understand especially when they also say that you did nothing wrong its just that his feelings had changed
..weekend before he was fine and even celebrated our wedding anniversary.. And than 3 days later this!
Doesn't want to admit if there was somebody tho my gut feeling says there is as no man in their 60's just walks away from his family especially when there was no issues with finance neither did we argue.
Last year I found out he was communicating with somebody on the internet. When confronted he said they were just friends. So if that is the case, why hide it under a different name.
Also on Facebook I noticed that he was paying attention to this woman - exchanging heart emojis whenever they posted a picture. He would hid pics of him and me on his timeline.. So I blocked her! He went ballistic! Walked out and returned a few days later. I apologized but also stated to him that he was having an emotional affair which he says it is not...
He kept doing this several times (I mean walking out) and finally this last time he took majority of his stuff and has not been back

Since then, we have met several times and when I asked when he was coming back he stated he needed more time and was not ready hence needed another month...so he was supposed to have given me an answer end of the month (October) but has not and neither have I asked as in between that time, I removed the money from joint acc and have kept it safe elsewhere until I know the situation and he found out... I told him that I was done with being in limbo and to tell his girlfriend that they both have to wait.
Last email he sent stated that in hindsight he should not have left and I pushed him to talk (how funny, all of a sudden.. when he found out about the money)
What?! I wanted to talk because I felt something was troubling him - is that not what a spouse does? Asked are you okay and do you want to talk? Seriously!!!
Well, back to my email in response to his, I stated that as he had started this, he needs to let me know the next step...

Another email arrived as wanted to discuss the bills, which I agreed to but then as I had not heard from him with regards to that issue, he sent a response to my email that he will continue to pay the bill and to leave them as they are.
So really do not know what the hell is going on in his head.
He is unavailable during the weekends and only in town during the week.
The place he stays is a weekly basis (Mon to Friday) so where the hell is he during the weekend
We don't even know where he is staying. Does not want to say
Closed his current account so unable to see how much money he has been withdrawing...(he did that last week) while previously I could see what was going on and the amount of fuel he is using hence the assumption that he is travelling every weekend as that woman he had been communicating with lives in Portsmouth.
When I did see him last which was over a month, he had no remorse to what he was doing ...not abit!
I still love him... Why I ask myself.. He has hurt me too deep this time and the trauma
.not only to me but to the 3 kids we have (young adults)..How can he be so selfish!!!
I just do not know what to do! Any advice. Pls.

Treats the exact words my husband used - I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore - my feelings have changed. He didn’t admit to affair even when I asked him outright twice. Had to be told by the husband of his mistress. You need to move on as I do. How can you ever trust him again. It’s impossible and you deserve better. These men will live to regret it but once achest always a cheat. Really sorry you are going through this.

Some great advice. Especially about radio and audio books. I struggled with (and still do) memories and thoughts and questions going round and round and round. It's draining and it makes you feel mad. I put radio 5 on at night if I start thinking and I put radio plays on at work when I was at my worst in there.

I agree with others, there is no quick fix, you have to treat it like grief and go through the stages but there are lots of tips and tricks online to navigate the stages. Talking on here with others is very useful. x

Some lovely ideas from people about how to help yourself during this horrible time.

I think it is very hard for someone in your position who feels that you weren't given a chance to make things better. No doubt you feel that if he had talked about not being happy you could have worked at things to improve your marriage. Instead, he just whipped the rug out from under you. That is really hard. I hope the counsellor will help you particularly with that aspect.

Sammi68 & Sausage101
Yes, even asked if there was somebody but he keeps denying it . The grief if unbearable so taking antidepressants & beta blockers 120gm a day!
Started to curse h every time I think of him... And smile as when he found out I had removed the money from joint acc his face must have been white as a sheet and must have felt sick to the core! Lol! Good!!
Just what I had been going through..that was just a tester! I will be going for his military pension for sure and a shame that I have not got one of my own..also the new car...mine is 6 years old ( his is last year's reg)...so at the moment, I am just keeping numb..
Will get the ball rolling after Christmas...😁

I totally feel like this that if he had of talked I would have done anything to save our marriage. He was bored and unhappy so looked elsewhere. Well marriage isn’t easy and we were in a rut. It wasn’t all fun for me working full time, running house, bringing up kids being a wife. Why do men give up so easy. I think he wanted the single life and new excitement. Just not far after all the years I have given him. I’m not perfect but I was nothing but loyal.

How old are your children, OP?

Sammie68
I share that same option as you. I also tried but he never talked.. I shared every thought with him as I believed he was my soulmate..all those years..nursed him when he was I'll as he had a vascular issue with his leg..operations etc., taking care of everything and all he did was pay the bills. I was forced to wear the trousers. And yes, marriage is a partnership and it has its ups and downs which he really did not seem to see or understand..I worked harder in the marriage than him. Bring up a family and also working part-time. He and the family first and me last! I tried everything but it just was not enough. I mean everything. Everybody saw the effort I had made, he did not. To pay me a complement was an issue..looking back I gave all I had to him l, physically, loyalty and emotionally ...I got heartache in return! Even his mother said he was a fool to throw away what he had and he would never find a wife like me!

This was me ten years ago.
Thanks to supportive friends, anti depressants and my daughters being my reason to get out of bed each day, I made it through the otherside.
And...the otherside is great!
My future is not the one I thought it would be, I have been cheated of my old future by man I once thought would hold my hand forever.
It has been replaced with a different one, but it shines bright!
Many have walked your path; follow us with positive thought and self belief. It DOES get better ❤️

It's hard to see it but things will get better. Take things day by day.
You have a lot of things to look forward to:
Being accountable to yourself and no one else.
Managing your home and finances solely how you want to.
Not having to think (or worry about) your DHs needs/wants/emotions. Able to focus on you and your children solely.
Eat what you want, watch what you want, be as tidy/messy as you want, do what you want.
You will eventually have more energy for you.
And you won't have to look after the fucker in his old age (as its usually the woman who does this.)
As PP have said, the future might not be as you intended but you will be happy again.
HTH.

Lol at second to last sentence

That made me laugh - looking after him in old age. I’ve escaped that one - he is someone else’s problem now. Some great advice on here to take away with me. Thanks all

Same story for me too I'm afraid !

I'm all for mindfulness, audio stories in the car and the the best thing I ever did was flog the jewellery he bought me over the years and buy a fuck-off blingy ring from auction! I wear it on my wedding finger and proudly call it my divorce ring !

I also filled his suitcase with dried maggots and threw him out (that made me feel quite good too !!).