My husband has left me for another married/mother woman

[Sammie68]

Hi, recently found out my husband of 20 odd years has had an affair and wants to make it work with her and isn’t in love with me anymore. I have two teenagers. My heart is broken. I have to move on now but find it really hard coming to terms with suddenly being alone. It’s not the life I planned. He never talked to me to say how he felt or I would have done anything to make it work. We were stuck in a rut but I tried to arrange nights out and felt it wasn’t anything that couldn’t have been resolved with help. No one gives you a manual for marriage. I’m going through so many emotions. Trying to be strong but fall back down again.

If anyone has been through something similar any advice on how to cope to get through this grieving stage would be appreciated. Thank you!

🤣 where can you get dried maggots

ew dried maggots

So your children haven't been told the real reason he left?

So sorry that you're going through this, sadly too many of us have.

You WILL get through this even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Practical measures:

Legal advice ASAP for which you will need as much official "paperwork" as you can get your hands on. Marriage and birth certificates for you and DC, passports, financial statements, his salary information if you have it.

Others may disagree but I also highly recommend starting a claim with cms too. It will only get backdated to when you first claimed NOT to when he moved out, also my own life experience I've not come across an nrp yet who pays regularly and even the min amount UNLESS cms are handling it. He may still exploit loopholes but post here if so and mners can be great at helping.

If legally possible change the locks. I'm aware of several instances where exs have entered the former shared home when empty and taken valuables - including ones that were never theirs! Murder to prove and police generally don't like to get involved.

If you've a joint bank account take all the your money out then get it frozen and open a COMPLETELY separate account with a COMPLETELY separate bank (ie don't use a bank in the same banking group).

Do you work? Even if you do if you're on a low income for whatever reason get claims in for anything you might be eligible for ASAP. Again it's back dated to date of claim not when he left.

Emotionally/mentally

Tell the DC's school. It avoids them making any unwitting faux pas that may upset you and means the DC will get support if needed and the school then knows why if they're not themselves.

Sleep whenever and however you can. I couldn't face sleeping in the former marital bed and so slept on the sofa for first month or so after.

If eating is a struggle, keep it to light things or soups and supplement shakes. It can be easier to drink than eat with a lump in your throat and stomach in knots.

See your dr if you're really struggling.

Distract yourself - puzzles, talking to friends even just on phone, chatting here...

I recently caught a glimpse of exh on FB and barely recognised him! He's married ow, they've had 5 DC and I have it on good authority they're both utterly miserable! He's cheated on her too several times. Well, you reap what you sow.

Do you think they ever have regrets for what they have done? I’m sure they would never share that anyway. How their new relationships last being built on lies, deceit and cheating I don’t know.

My ex has actually told me several times he deeply regrets his actions.

Their relationships may last but they're not necessarily happy.

I’m struggling and have booked counselling to help me through. Married for 23 years and he’s left me and my teenage children for a married mother of four. I’m so shocked and don’t know how I am expected to remain in contact for children’s sake - it’s too hurtful. Maybe with time I can handle it better.

OP - it doesn’t matter who he left you for - - the fact that she is married and has four children doesn’t add to or change the story...
If anything - only makes it sadder - because clearly they took this step not lightly as so many lives have changed.

You will get through this and find some path to a new life.
You said you were in a rut. Relationships do sometimes run out it’s course.

I am sorry.

It does get easier. I know that sounds hollow now but it does.

You will get through this.

1. Look at the MLC / cheaters script. You will laugh your socks off.

1. My STBXW left for the OM a year ago. Your head will be a mess. But it will get better. At 6 months you'll be in a much better position mentally.

1. Start creating a folder of all things financial. In case it all goes sideways.

1. Dont run to a lawyer. They are hideously expensive. And love nothing more than a expensive drawn out quarrel. Leave the legal bit to things that you don't agree on.

1. Inflate your social life to keep you busy. Work overtime. Etc. Keep your mind off things.

1. Take each day as it comes. Don't look too far ahead or freak out at things you cannot control.

1. Understand brooding and rumination. The negative effects it has on you. Keep your mind distracted.

He's made his choice. Now you have to remember who you are. And what you want.

Go take that holiday you've wanted.

Josuk - That’s is very hard to read right now but you’re probably right. I don’t agree with cheating though - there is the choice to end it - I didn’t deserve to be crushed like this it’s very damaging.

Ss770640 Thank you for the advice. Everyone is telling me it will get better - I want the pain to end

Sammie68
Not a good day today. Been really raw with emotions of what he has done. Could not stop the tears on my way back from work - so had to stop tge car and and continued to cry and still crying now. I just cannot atop crying...
Feeling so empty, abandoned and hurt let alone the betrayal.. He has wiped my validation as a wife. How can they just get on and carry on without consideration to me..feel like I am not significant at all or I don't exist....I am really very raw today..

@Sammie68

Take solace in the fact MANY people have had this done to them. Including me.

Let him go to enjoy his new life with a cheater. That's the view I take with my STBXW. Why mourn a cheating lying shit? Cut your emotional ties and focus on his negatives.

Now the fun part begins.

Make a financial table of everything. Mortage. Savings. Pensions. Have a cheeky meeting with a lawyer to discuss what you can reasonably claim. Don't believe lawyers when they say "you have a good chance at winning". They only want your cash and get paid even if you lose.

But given your length of marriage. There will be a big payout coming your way.

Be amicable. Be nice. Enjoy your kids.

Tabulate all the finances. Make an offer to settle. Wish him well.

Then go get laid

@Sammie68

The pain won't end. You'll just learn to live with it. Like the time you got dumped decades ago, hurt as hell at the time but now you don't care about it.

It's confusing as batshit. You'll be a mess. But in 6 months you'll have a much clearer head and continually grow better.

You've been emotionally attached and have now had the rug pulled out.

It's the sudden rejection and fact you weren't given a chance that your hurt at. Not the fact a cheating shit has left.

Focus on what actually hurts. And it's not him. It's the rejection.

When you investigate your own emotions you'll find it isn't him that is causing them directly. It's the effect his choice had on your dreams.

To put it bluntly, why would you want someone that doesn't want you?

Wave goodbye and wish him the best. Then tell him you want that huge payout the result of his actions are about to cost him.

Keep your head high.

Sammie68
Yes been with 1 man all this time. Its very hard. To think that I gave my whole self and to be just thrown to the side as if I an object which he got bored with. Destroying my dreams, home and my sanity...just unbelievable that this man has changed to such a degree...
When will I see the other side! It's nearly 3months and I am still hurting...
Going for counselling tomorrow...even tho its through NHS, I still have to pay. I just want to be me again ....

Sorry to hear your story, very similar to mine. I am 2 years down the line from finding out he was a cheat. There is no quick fix I'm afraid and only time will ease the pain.

Having started with a counsellor I switched to a life coach (who was also a counsellor) as my self confidence was non existent. She helped me, not only rebuild that confidence, but really analyse my marriage and I realised it was as not good as I thought, he was a selfish man who put himself first.

I also kept a journal so I could write every down rather than let the thoughts keep running around my head and upsetting me. It's interesting to look back now and see who far I have come. Friends are really important, talk to them, let them support you though this.

Life will be different but now you can decide what you want to do with it. In time you will look to the future with excitement.

I remember the early days when all I seemed to do was cry. Other people have mentioned the grieving process and it is true, you do have to go through that process in order to move on. BUT .. You will come out the other side. This awful stage does not last forever. In time you will be happier.

I am now happier than I have been in years - trust me you will find a strength you never knew you had and you will recover. X

I definitely found writing things down helped a lot.

Think of the tears as your body's way of expelling the hurt and pain. You are grieving for the life you thought you had planned. You are grieving for the person you thought was your friend and partner. But that friend and partner has changed and is not actually the person you think them to be.

Time does make the pain lessen. Please remember YOU are the one in control of your future. Reminiscing about the past and allowing him to continually invade your mind with grief is only hurting you. It's not hurting him. He doesn't feel any pain. Your pain is not affecting him in any way. Please try and take back the control of yourself. This is your future now and will be as good or bad as you make it.

I don’t understand how the person changes. Maybe stupid of me. Was he pretending to be someone else? How can his core values have changed. It’s been many years yes and some terrible life events happened to us but fundamentally why not the same person inside still?