Help me make our incompatible lifestyles work

[CoastalCarrots]

I don't really know where to start.

DP and I have been together for almost 10 years and live in London, are TTC, saving to buy a house.

DP is from the West country and misses it terribly. He's miserable in London and hates it here. He hates that his commute is 60 minutes and not 20 minutes like it was back there. He hates that he's so far away from the beach, he hates the house prices and he said he was much happier there than he is here.

DP has a medical type job which could in theory move anywhere, but then it would come with a pay cut and I don't know what I would do for work. I've worked in an office my whole life and don't know what I could do out in the country.

I'm not against moving, but I'm worried about a drop in income and being bored and wasting my career - I suppose this is the sunken costs fallacy as I don't actually like working, I just like the money and freedom it gives me. If I won the lottery I'd quite at a drop of a hat. Please don't tell me to follow my passion because my passion is art and I don't see that making me money at this stage.

I started looking at houses in Truro and Plymouth but even with our deposit of £50k, on one salary we'd only be able to afford a small terraced house. I sent one I sort of liked to DP to look at and he said there's no point in moving because he knows I'll be miserable out of London. I said I wanted to make him happy and he said he doesn't think he'll ever be happy. I think he's just homesick.

Perhaps this is the Londoner in me but I just don't know what I could do for work out of London. I'm disabled so I'd never be able to work in retail, restaurants etc.

My head is very muddled right now. I'm sorry this post is a jumble. DP is at work and I've spent the morning cleaning and crying. I just feel so stuck.

I suppose I'm asking

• what could I do for work if we moved?
• what can I do to improve the current situation?

We're already talking about moving closer to his place of work so that his commute is less bad. I'm used to 1hr commutes to London so it doesn't make a difference to me.

You need to stop TTC as a first step - realistically if you're miserable outside of London and he's miserable in it; you stand a very good chance of having to share a child across the country.

Have you tried living outside of London? Would you be willing to? You need to think that through carefully - it's absolutely okay to know that you wouldn't; but if neither of you can, this may have run its course. If you haven't tried it and you'd be willing too, I'd be looking at renting somewhere you are both happy with and seeing if you can make it work.

It doesn't sound like this is a good environment for a kid at all right now though. As much as that will probably hurt to hear; neither of you are in the right place and adding a baby (even a much wanted one) could blow it all up.

I've worked in an office my whole life

I mean, an office job can cover an awfully wide range of jobs - but there are many offices that are outside of London, you know. It's not like you cross the M25 and enter a muddy wasteland, devoid of office politics and pointless meetings - we have those too

Maybe with a few more details people could advise better on career options?

If his medical type job is NHS based realistically more money is often achievable outside London, aside from pharmacists the London weighting is next to nothing but Locum's rates pick up the further from London you go,and depending on speciality there is more scope for negotiation on salary points.

Depending on your line of office work it may be very movable or not at all.

I agree with Spudlet - that was hilarious that you wrote that you have worked in an office your whole life so you don't know what you would do in the country! . They do have towns in the country you know! They do have buildings and some are even offices!

As she said, tell us a bit more about your work and what you might like to do and people might have some ideas.

I would suggest you open your mind to other job ideas, go and have a tour about and see which area you fancy down near where your partner comes from and perhaps rent there for a while to check.

I agree with a PP, stop TTC and do not buy a house yet!

You're very London-focused, this Is probably why your DP doesn't think you'd be happy moving.

There are plenty of jobs to be had outside the capital, maybe you should look for vacancies first and houses second, to give yourself an idea of what is out there.

Discuss it with him. Tell him you are willing to try, with the caveat that if it doesn't work, you'd be willing to move back to the capital.

You want him to understand that you're prepared to give it a real go without also giving up the choice to move back if it doesn't work out.

I dont understand why leaving London means only one of you can work. There are quite a lot of jobs outside London, some of them are even in offices. Have you ever visited towns or cities outside London, and noticed the office blocks and people in suits? Those people work in offices as well. FFS...

Living in "the West Country" doesn't mean living in an isolated farm cottage. What about Bristol?

Have you thought about somewhere like Taunton, Bournemouth or Exeter? Plenty of offices in these towns. Or Bristol as poster above suggested.

Hi - we were in a similar position, I loved London, DH hated it. I cried many tears. We moved out to somewhere semi-rural with a decent train back to London and a few years in we are both happy though the transition was hard. My advice would be to spend some time working out what is important to each of you eg would moving anywhere more rural help him or does it have to be W Country / beach? What is it that you are worried about leaving - your job, other job opportunities, other things? Go and visit lots of places and see how you both feel. Perhaps a city in the SW might work - Bournemouth maybe if you are arty as think is has a decent cultural scene. If you feel this is potentially insurmountable don’t TTC. Good luck

Another one laughing at the thought that there are no offices in ‘the country’ . There are plenty of office jobs outside of London, what sort of office work do you do?

As others have said, everywhere outside London is not “the country”. You need to both talk about what you want your lives to be like.
Personally I had enough of London after my 20s and would have HATED the commuter belt so we’re now in a small city with a similar vibe to Bristol.

Move out of London and commute in for work?

To be honest it doesn't sound like you have really made any effort to make your incompatible lifestyles works. How would mners achieve it?

I don't mean to sound harsh. But you sound like a cliche or comedy sketch of a Londoner. The are thousands of offices jobs rurally. I live rurally and have a 40 minute commute to work and work in an office. I earn decent money too.

What jobs have you looked at in that area? Why haven't you looked round for similar, if not identical jobs?

You don't want work and are ttc, are you likely to be a sahm? Seems pointless staying in London, because you might find it difficult to find work, when you don't care about your job and would prefer not to do it anyway or may become a sahm.

I am not saying you should move. But your reasons not to are very weak and show you haven't seriously considered this.

I do agree with pp thought. Stop ttc while you sort this issue out

There really is life outside the M25 you know.

We left london a few years back. Had one child at that time. We now have two. When you have kids everything changes, believe me. It all becomes about them and their daily routines. London really is so expensive - housing, childcare, transport, you name it. We have a much slower pace of life and it’s easier.

And do I miss London? Yeah occasionally, but I generally don’t have time to even think about it.

Plenty of office jobs in Plymouth, a city with a population of 260,000+, a university, art college, med school and numerous other institutions. Working or not, there is no excuse for being bored there.
Houses are a great deal cheaper than they are in London, you can get a 3 bed semi in an average area for less than 200k.

I dont live in London, but I work in an office, and a 50k deposit for a house would be paying off half of the value of a large 3 bed semi where I live.
There is also a direct train to London from my local station and it is a 10 min drive to the beach.
We are also a pretty friendly bunch.
It's not all grim oop norf!

50k would buy over half of my 3 bed terrace.

Most of what needs to be said has already been said, but I just wanted to add: yes the chances are you'll earn less, but your cost if living will plummet too. I spend less than 25% of my salary on mortgage, bills etc. and I'm a single parent.
Have a look at areas in and around:
Bristol
Cheltenham
Cardiff
Bath
Paignton
Taunton
Bournemouth

Some places (eg Cheltenham) will be pricey but you don't have to go too far to get better value houses.

To answer some questions:

Yes I've lived outside of London for university, 3 years.

I'm a quality assurance manager at a financial company which isn't as well paid as you might assume because I'm still quite low on the old pecking order. I don't know where I could transfer these skills. I suppose I'm scared of losing my income and living in poverty somewhere unfamiliar. I used to work in admin on a pittance and I'm quite excited by the prospect of a proper career and being paid well. I think in 5 years time I could double my salary if I stay in London on this career path. But then I suppose a baby would throw a spanner in the works.

Yes I know I sound like a caricature, but it's not on purpose. I've lived in London my whole life and don't often venture out. I've been to Edinburgh, Bath, Canterbury, Manchester, and Truro.

DP hates the East coast as the sea is cold and there are no waves - he loved surfing in Cornwall so he feels a bit cheated with places like Brighton where the sea isn't very surfer friendly and doesn't have real sand.

Lots of finance jobs in Bristol and increasingly Taunton.

How have you lived in London your whole life and lived outside London for 3 years?

You can transfer quality assurance skills very easily. Even to a different area.

The thing is, there are even careers outside London. DH and I both earned close to six figure salaries in Bristol around 5 years ago (have since moved into the actual sticks ).

Dare I ask what you did, SoyDora?

Worked in financial services.