Help me make our incompatible lifestyles work

[CoastalCarrots]

I don't really know where to start.

DP and I have been together for almost 10 years and live in London, are TTC, saving to buy a house.

DP is from the West country and misses it terribly. He's miserable in London and hates it here. He hates that his commute is 60 minutes and not 20 minutes like it was back there. He hates that he's so far away from the beach, he hates the house prices and he said he was much happier there than he is here.

DP has a medical type job which could in theory move anywhere, but then it would come with a pay cut and I don't know what I would do for work. I've worked in an office my whole life and don't know what I could do out in the country.

I'm not against moving, but I'm worried about a drop in income and being bored and wasting my career - I suppose this is the sunken costs fallacy as I don't actually like working, I just like the money and freedom it gives me. If I won the lottery I'd quite at a drop of a hat. Please don't tell me to follow my passion because my passion is art and I don't see that making me money at this stage.

I started looking at houses in Truro and Plymouth but even with our deposit of £50k, on one salary we'd only be able to afford a small terraced house. I sent one I sort of liked to DP to look at and he said there's no point in moving because he knows I'll be miserable out of London. I said I wanted to make him happy and he said he doesn't think he'll ever be happy. I think he's just homesick.

Perhaps this is the Londoner in me but I just don't know what I could do for work out of London. I'm disabled so I'd never be able to work in retail, restaurants etc.

My head is very muddled right now. I'm sorry this post is a jumble. DP is at work and I've spent the morning cleaning and crying. I just feel so stuck.

I suppose I'm asking

• what could I do for work if we moved?
• what can I do to improve the current situation?

We're already talking about moving closer to his place of work so that his commute is less bad. I'm used to 1hr commutes to London so it doesn't make a difference to me.

If you're open to moving, I'd have a really good chat about viable options and go and visit for a few days to get the feel of the place and research some job options/arrange some interviews with some recruitment agencies etc. to see what the local market is like.

There's so many opportunities outside of London, yes it's different but you will be surprised how sophisticated life can be out in the sticks! There's a good compromise, a small city - how about Exeter for instance, you can live in a village and be in the city centre in a few mins by train. There's office work everywhere, it pays less in the provinces, but living costs are a lot lower - here for £150k you can buy a semi detached house with garage, Devon is higher due to second homes of course (nobody has a second home here!!!) I'm a Londoner but will never go back to an hour commute and living in a shoebox, I like my space, the countryside, my 5-10 min commute, my car not stuck in traffic. You rent, why not try it out? You can always move back.

I completely see your POV. I moved six and a half years ago; not to London but Hertfordshire, I subsequently lived in Kent & Bedfordshire and commuted into London for much of that time. Last year both me & DH (I met him down there) were made redundant. We (not so much me, I’d have stayed but we would have struggled to pay the mortgage) decided to buy a house outright in my home town. It has taken me 18 months to find a full time, permanent job in my field and I have to commute to that. There are no jobs in my town; just low-paid zero hour work like retail, catering and care work. Looking back, if we’d have had more time to decide I’d have stayed and tried to find another job or moved to a different city, rather than my small dying-on-it’s-arse town, after doing some research.

He hates that his commute is 60 minutes and not 20 minutes like it was back there. He hates that he's so far away from the beach, he hates the house prices and he said he was much happier there than he is here.

I'm both impressed and slightly alarmed that you fell in love with and married such a gloomfest and are trying to have a baby with him and seriously considering making your happiness subsidiary to his by moving back to a place he claims he was happier in. Because you're taking him at his word, aren't you? You didn't know this happy, surfy rural man, did you? Unless you met him when you were at university, you presumably met him in London. Why, given that his job exists in the west country, was he living in London when you met, before you were a reason for staying, even though he hates it? Are you absolutely certain that he's not a glass-half-full type who will find things to be miserable about wherever you live -- like that he's taken a paycut moving out of London, that he feels responsible for you having left a city you love, that parenthood is harder than it's cracked up to be, that he hates being the sole provider if you become a SAHM?

Is his happiness more important than yours? I'm not even a Londoner, though I lived there for twelve years, AND I grew up in the country in my home country, and still, when we moved from central London to a village in the midlands with a new baby, it was a much more difficult transition than either of us anticipated. And to be honest, it was, and remains, a bad move for me. I've found this place insular and isolating, even though I quickly found a job in my field in the nearest city.

I would hold off on ttc and have a serious conversation about what you are prepared to do, and what future you both envisage, and what remedy you'll agree to after a period of time if they move doesn't work for you. Don't, whatever you do, just drift into having a baby and moving to the country and hoping for the best -- you risk finding yourself a lonely SAHM entirely dependent on your DH.

If he's a surfer he will always pine for the coast, that won't change!

We have office jobs here in Taunton. Exeter has such a fast growing economy that they have, literally, run out of space within the city council area. I live here and earn six figures. Perhaps you should take your blinkers off.

OP, you're doing it the wrong way round - looking at houses first. You need to look at jobs first! If you find a job that sounds interesting and pays ok you'll feel much more positive about it. And you'll know which area to look for houses in. Although it might be a good idea to rent first in case the move doesn't work out.

Btw I sympathise with the feeling that London is the centre of the world! Except uni, I lived in zone 2 until I was 32. We moved out because DH hated it and I wouldn't move back now!

I grew up just outside of London, studied in London then worked for a few years in the West country.

First year was nice; beaches, forests, great for outdoors, friendly people. 2nd year I started to get bored. 3rd year I was coming back to the city every weekend.

It just wasn't for me. I'm a city lass at heart. The country had some wonderful things to offer but not enough to keep me there.

Had I moved there with a partner when my heart wasn't in it? Disasterous

Compromise with a smaller, beach front city like Torquay?

Wow! Possibly one of the most London centric anti anywhere else posts I've ever seen on here and that's going some!!

There ARE offices outside of London you know? There's also many disability friendly workplaces/areas to live. Geez there's even whole cities in "the West Country" plymouth, Bristol, Bournemouth, Exeter... All lovely places with 😱offices where people have electricity and Internet and all sorts! I've worked in "office jobs" all over the country.

Seriously are you very young and have not holidayed/travelled much outside of london? You have a VERY narrow minded view of the U.K. And even I would say life in general.

I agree you need to stop ttc unless you resolve this MAJOR issue first!

"Yes I've lived outside of London for university, 3 years." I get the feeling you probably just lived in halls/student accommodation, went to lectures and nights out and didn't really explore where you lived then.

I'm not saying you HAVE to move to the West Country but you seem to have completely discounted it without truly exploring the possibilities.

Equally HE needs to consider possible compromises too. Ruling out Brighton JUST because it isn't perfect surfing conditions is also unreasonable.

If neither of you will compromise you have to concede the relationship has run its course and you don't have enough in common in what you want in the future to warrant staying together. Adding a child into that is completely irresponsible and unfair to DC.

Graphista lots of assumptions there.

At uni I lived in halls first year, then in the town, just on the outskirts. Walked 30 minutes to uni every day.

I take my holidays abroad usually, I love travelling and don't see the point in spending a similar amount on a British town as I would a European city.

I haven't discounted anything, we're still taking about it.

Brighton is expensive on top of having less than ideal beaches so neither of us would be happy there. It was just an example.

Escolar

You're right, I need to look at jobs properly. A cursory look didn't show me anything but I guess I need to do more digging.

Swanhild

That made me laugh! It's actually me who's the misery guts, DP is the happy one who sees the silver linings in things. It's only this that he's unhappy with. We did meet at university actually, then moved to London after graduating. I used to visit him and it was lovely in summer, miserable in winter and always felt like a holiday, not like home.

You sound utterly ridiculous. Newsflash: there are finance companies outside London and, gasp, they need QA managers too! Do some research yourself before bleating on about a totally non-existent problem. I can see the truth in your statement that you're the gloomy one... you've given up before you've even started.

I moved to the SW 12 years ago. Never looked back. You are making the same mistake as everyone else that is looking to move here. STOP looking at jobs. Look at INCOME. A lot of people here have 4 or 5 income streams from seasonal work, self employment and BandB. And look at The Tamar Valley which is still cheap for property but has a train line to Plymouth

Oh shut up harriethoyle. It must be nice to not have any problems and always know the answer to everything

Quality of life here is amazing. Finish work and dinner on the beach watching the sun go down. Move and stop making excuses. You will never regret it.

That's interesting Floods123 I hadn't considered that. How would I look into that? I'm not really to seasonal work, physically speaking. I've considered investing but all my money is currently going into the house deposit pot.

I’m a Londoner born and bred. Worked in the west end then the city up until 20 years ago. I moved to the suburbs, 15 mins by (fast) train to Stratford and it’s still too far out

I am, and always will, be a city girl. However, it’d be nice to have a second home by the coast.

One of you will have to give, you can find a way if you’re prepared to compromise.

It IS nice not to be the kind of idiot who doesn't realise there are finance companies requiring employees outside of London, that's true. Maybe you'll find that out one day.

I wanted to pick up on this from your first post, OP:

I said I wanted to make him happy and he said he doesn't think he'll ever be happy

Did he mean he'll never be happy in London or that he'll never be happy at all? I'm a bit worried that he's putting obstacles in the way of you trying to look at options for achieving what he says he wants. Is it really just homesickness that's bothering him, or is there something else?

If it's the former and you can both agree that there are opportunities outside London and you're both committed to making it happen (not just you! He needs to make the effort too ) then I can't see any reason why you can't move. As PPs have said, you could find work in a smaller town somewhere else (do you drive? That becomes more important outside London, though it's not essential) without too much trouble. There are jobs everywhere, and if his is one that can easily move then you have the luxury of taking your time to find one that suits you. If this really is the big stumbling block and everything else is more or less OK between the two of you, then just starting to take practical steps towards making it happen should immediately improve things.