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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feeling Battered and bruised

40 replies

Peachsnowpop · 03/11/2018 05:32

Went out with H and friends tonight. He walked me home as I was tired, he went back to friends house which was fine.
He came home v drunk, I was asleep drunkish. He rang the doorbell to get let in but it's broke so it never chimed, he phoned me but I was asleep. He had said he had a key. I wake up to him kicking the door in and calling me a c**t when I open the door. I've slapped him, he's pinned me down by my hair, thrown me across the room. Smashed my iPad in the process. I'm bruised, half my nail is ripped off and clumps of my hair r on the floor.
Just needed to get it all out
Feeling v sorry for myself

OP posts:
Poppylizzyrose · 03/11/2018 05:35

Jesus poor you that sounds like a terrible situation. You don’t have to live like that. Flowers

Please seek help, did you turn it physical first? You definitely need support.

Original poster
Peachsnowpop · 03/11/2018 05:38

Yes poppy.

Maybe I deserved it because I slapped him first and i made the first physical move?

OP posts:
ElizabethMainwaring · 03/11/2018 05:41

Gosh, that is awful. You must be feeling terrible. I hope that you get through today okay. Have a long hot bath and lots of hot drinks. Please take care.

ElizabethMainwaring · 03/11/2018 05:42

Posted too soon. I meant that the whole situation sounds awful. Obviously you shouldn't have slapped him, but it shouldn't have escalated like that.

ElizabethMainwaring · 03/11/2018 05:43

Of course you didn't deserve it.

Poppylizzyrose · 03/11/2018 05:44

I don’t think you deserved it at all!

But I don’t think you should have reacted physically either. I think you’re in a bad situation and need support. It’s not okay to hurt another human being or animal.

If that’s also your first reaction you need help as well as him. Flowers

Bluesue26 · 03/11/2018 05:44

Has this ever happened before?

Kennycalmit · 03/11/2018 08:35

What a mess

He shouldn’t have done that but you shouldn’t have slapped him either Confused

Why you even together?
Please say you don’t have kids

I genuinely have support for victims of DV. But you both sound as bad as each other..

Poppylizzyrose · 03/11/2018 08:45

Bump

Is everything okay now OP? What else has happened and has this type of thing happened before? Flowers

Gingerlover2 · 03/11/2018 08:46

Tough one, you slapped him first so you instigated the aggressive and violent response. I think we all know what the responses would be if he'd slapped you first. No excuse.

Are you both to blame? Yes.

To be so reactionary and violent to each other means there is something wrong with the relationship.

Do you have children? Definitely not a great situation of you do.

Has he tried to discuss the situation with you this morning?

0ccamsRazor · 03/11/2018 09:02

Would counselling help you to work out how you feel and what you wish to do about things? Separate counselling for your husband also? Joint therapy is not advisable if there is any abuse between couples.

The tbing is with this incident is that now the door has been opened via physical abuse it is very hard for it to close. That invisible line in the sand of conduct is no longer there and it is very likely that this situation will happen again at some point in the future.

Anger management classes for both of you may help, that is something that you could do jointly.

Right now though op, you both need some time alone to process what has occured. Your relationship as it stands is not a safe place for either of you, especially you as he really laid onto you. Domestic abuse does kill women, every week in this country a woman dies at the hands of their partners behaviour.

To be frank if it was me i would go to the police.

Gingerlover2 · 03/11/2018 09:08

As she was the instigator of physical abuse, she would be putting herself in a very tricky situation, he could claim self defence.

Perhaps not the best idea.

NotTheFordType · 03/11/2018 15:51

Op I think you should seek proper advice, I'd suggest womens aid as the first port of call.

Yes you slapped him first but he then carried out a sustained attack at a far higher level of violence, and I'm not sure "self defence" would wash. But I'm not a legal expert.

What is clear is that you need to separate, and women's aid will also be able to help with this.

LizzieBennettDarcy · 03/11/2018 15:55

FFS even if you did slap him and shouldn't, what he did to you was inexcusable. And very aggressive.

You're an idiot if you stay.

Because if you do, he's got the green light to do this again.

And he will.

SugarandVinegar · 03/11/2018 15:58

You poor thing, get yourself somewhere safe if you can - he sounds unhinged. What a cowardly bastard.
How are you? For you. Flowers

Gingerlover2 · 03/11/2018 16:13

Ah another double standards thread, must be the cold weather.

I wonder what would have been said if a man slapped his wife first and she pushed him across the room and pulled his hair?

No doubt that would have been his fault too.

THIS is exactly why men don't come forward and report domestic violence.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 03/11/2018 16:19

@Gingerlover2 she woke up to him aggressively calling her a cunt after coming home very drunk. I would be frightened enough to act out. What do you think she should have done? Quivered in her boots and cried and said sorry, sorry, so sorry babe, please stop shouting?

Gingerlover2 · 03/11/2018 16:25

Lookatyourwatchnow

Sure, you think it's OK for her to smack him round the head because he called her a name, but him retaliating with a shove and hair pulling is beyond the pale.

Sorry, but if you can;t see the double standards I can't help you.

However, it seems you've made your mind up about what I think she should do so I won't point you to my original response earlier in the thread.

Singlenotsingle · 03/11/2018 16:27

Alcohol was the cause of this behaviour for both of you. Stay off the booze.

Singlenotsingle · 03/11/2018 16:30

lookatyourwatchnow you're not supposed to say "beyond the pale". Apparently it's racist.

SugarandVinegar · 03/11/2018 16:30

Perhaps those concerned could search out the Internet forums for
the poor H with the sore slapped cheek and give him support.
In the meantime the OP is the one who has sought support on here and it's her thread.

Gingerlover2 · 03/11/2018 16:40

Yeh, maybe we should support her, tell her her behaviour is perfectly normal and healthy and her nasty little husband should just tolerate her smacking him around the head.

Of course she should go to the police, because she's innocent in all of this and the police will not be concerned about her being the person to instigate the violence.

Because women just give men a little slap and that's OK

But when men give a woman a little slap, then it's a whole different story.

SMH

CandyCreeper · 03/11/2018 16:47

Both as bad as each other imo.

CaptainCabinets · 03/11/2018 16:58

Sounds like you were made for each other Hmm

Mayhemmumma · 03/11/2018 17:28

You're in no way an idiot.

Go to friends or family for the weekend somewhere you will be looked after and afford sometime to think.can you really move past this?

He is an abusive drunken arsehole. Think how you will feel next time he goes drinking....