Repressed memories and abuse - trigger warning

[StonedRoses]

Ok so this might be a bit long a complicated - and I’m not sure where it’s all going.

I’ve been with my DW for 18yr, married for 9 and a 8yr DS. DW has had her fair share of health problems, physical and mental and it’s taken its toll on her.

18 month ago she decided that because of the unhappiness from her health she would seek counselling. She was also unhappy that she felt apart and different from her family, partly because she was the only one who had gone to uni and moved away.

At an early meeting her counsellor suggested she’d been the victim of childhood trauma - probably sexual - which she couldn’t remember. This did make some sense to us and explained some of her ‘odd’ behaviour. Since then she’s been working with this counsellor to unravel her memories and things have snowballed. She now believes she was the victim of the most horrific abuse from her family, physical and sexual,from aged 2-18. I can’t bring myself to write the details but it’s Fred and Rose West house of horrors stuff, almost Hindley and Brady in nature, involving many abusers and victims across several countries. I She had no idea any of this has happened until she started therapy. Now however she is getting flashbacks and nightmares.

My problem is that as the details get more lurid I am finding it hard to believe. She had no idea at all this was the case for over 20yr, and believed till recently she had a happy childhood. There’s no collaborating evidence at all. Previous medical and psychiatric investigations haven’t brought up any of this. Her sister who’s two years older can’t recall anything remotely like this. Her family have trouble running a small business so I can’t imagine how they could hide an international child abuse gang for decades. If the allegations are true I can’t see how she is so ‘normal’ given how horrific they are.

I feel very much stuck in the middle. She’s told her family she wants to go nc with them, but not why. I’ve spoken to them and theyre either very good liars or completely baffled by it. I don’t know what the hell to do. I don’t think these are malicious allegations, I think she genuinely believes them but now I’m not sure. I know full well that horrible things happen in families, but I also know that to cause people and cut them off from their family and grandchildren is a terrible thing. Of course unless they’re true and someone confesses it will probably be impossible to know the truth, you can’t prove a negative. If they are true she needs all the support and help anyone can give. If not then it leaves a huge mess

Obviously this has had a huge impact on our relationship. It has taken over and my DW is very unhappy, and resents the fact that I had a happy childhood. This issue is the elephant in the room - wother qe are talking non stop about it or we are very obviously NOT talking about it.

I have no idea what is going on or how to procede. I fear it will eventually tear us apart. When I’m being charitable I think her therapist may have made a mistake, maybe he works so much with abuse victims he sees it everywhere. But at others I worry he is taking advantage of a vulnerable woman, either financially (the therapy is costing over £500 a month a going on for 18 month so far) or worse.

Whatever the truth this episode has destroyed her family, and is rapidly destroying mine. And I just don’t know what to do.

I think you should find out what professional body he belongs to and ask them if it’s normal for a counsellor to suggest someone has repressed memories of sexual abuse. I have had lots of therapy and I was under the impression that therapists don’t suggest anything - they always ask the client what they think so they aren’t guiding them. But maybe it was the people I saw - I hope others will come on here and give you their opinion too. Good luck.

How far into her 18 months of therapy did he suggest this sexual trauma?

Gosh that's such a painful story. Whether it's true or not, what an enormous amount of damage has been done here.

Suggestions by a therapist that a client should consider that they might have been abused -- that's irregular as hell tbh. It's well known that therapists have, inadvertently and not, projected false memories onto suggestible clients. It happened during the satanic panic of the 1980/1990s. Well documented.

I do think you might need to raise the alarm with the relevant professional body.

I'm so terribly sorry to hear of what you, dw and your families are going through.

I think you should Google false memories and contact the therapist's governing body given that this was his 'suggestion' and an early appointment. It's entirely inappropriate on both accounts. Has she spoken to her gp about support? It might be worth speaking about support that isn't private so there is no financial incentive for the practitioner.

I would suggest you read up about dissociative disorders to get some more information.

It is entirely possible for victim of abuse to repress memories due to significant trauma. It is the brains way of protecting a vulnerable child.

The most sickening abuse can go on in families which you would not believe as they seem so normal and this is one of the reasons they get away with it.

I’m not suggesting this is the case with your partner but it is entirely possible.

If I was you I would want to know if the counsellor has specific training in dissociative disorders as this is very important.

There are some really helpful websites and books out there which may help you. There is a book called The Stranger in the Mirror which is helpful.

Thanks for everyone’s support and thoughts. I agree - it’s a horrible mess whatever the outcome.

As I understand (and of course I wasn’t there) the suggestion of childhood trauma was made very early in the sessions and the last year or more has been working through it. I’m not sure what professional body this therapist is in, he is very anti traditional medical psychiatry but I know he has done a lot of work with victims of abuse

Dissociation has been raised as the explanation for this and apparently the therapist is an expert in this, although I’m not sure what the formal training is. I’ve read huge amounts about it and I’m still confused. It’s clearly a very complex and little understood area of psychology.

But this is why I’m so confused, because it could be true or it might not be. I think the thing I struggle with it whether you could dissociate completely and utterly for 40yrs? Given some of the things she’s suggested I’d have expected some signs or scars etc. I also can’t understand why if her family did all this and tried to keep it secret they then encouraged her to leave home and go to uni. And that rather than getting better after 18 months of therapy she is far less happy, far more anxious and so on. Even if true was it better unknown???

I know this sounds like I don’t believe and that I’m not supporting DW but I need to vent these questions that torment my mind, which I can’t say to her. I really want to help but don’t know how.

You need to find his professional body and report him.

Could you maybe suggest your DW takes a break from therapy for say 3 months. It's been a long spell of therapy and it might be helpful to take a short break away from it for emotional well being. If agreed see how DW acts after a 1-2 months away. You can then maybe, very gently go over your concerns. For instance why no scarring etc. If your DW has had a break, might emotionly settle somewhat and be able to explain it one way or the other. Good luck, it sounds a terrible situation.

I have suggested that things are getting too intense with up to three sessions a week plus texts and emails. She feels she needs these to deal with the issues (that I can’t help with) but of course it’s chicken and egg, she’s distressed because of what has been discussed, so she needs therapy.
Personally I’d be a lot happier if she sought a second opinion for such a complex difficult case. But at the moment suggesting that is tantamount to saying i don’t believe her.

Whatever the reality is it’s slowky breaking up our relationship. How can you deal with the ‘normal’ stuff when everything is dwarfed by the past?

Honestly this guy sounds like a complete cowboy. Three sessions a week is a nice little earner for him.

He implants memories and then is paid to treat those memories.

I think you need to take your wife to a proper psychiatrist for a second opinion.

He absolutely should not be making suggestions like that.

The counselling and psychotherapy bodies list their therapists online so if you know his name you should be able to look him up.

www.bacp.co.uk/search/Register

www.psychotherapy.org.uk/find-a-therapist/

That's two of the bigger ones: BACP and UKCP

There's an excellent book called The Memory Illusion: Remember, Forgetting, and the Science of False Memory by Dr Julia Shaw.

I thoroughly recommend it and it may help shed some light on this situation.

Julia Shaw also has a YouTube channel that's worth a look.

I think you need to report this therapist.

I don't know much about abuse/trauma and repressed memories, but I'm struggling to believe that she's completely wiped out 16 YEARS of severe physical and sexual abuse at the scale you are talking about.

It seems like the therapist has planted this thought and it's spiralled. Also - three sessions a week seems excessive.

I think you both need a second opinion, and to cool things off with this other guy.

I really feel for you both, this sounds awful.

My suppressed memories were NEVER suggested by my therapist. Her methods gave me the tools for my brain to "release" them in a safe environment.

This one sounds bogus.

I wonder if we’re being a bit harsh on the therapist. I don’t think he’s bogus - he’s got a lot of glowing testimonies on his website. I met him once for a joint session and whilst he wasn’t my cup of tea he seemed genuine if a bit unorthodox. And it’s my DW who seems to want all the sessions with him, she describes him as her lifeline. But I worry that even the most gifted therapist can make mistakes sometimes and what if this is a terrible mistake?
Maybe I’m just jealous? Obviously this has had a huge effect on our life together and it does feel like there’s a third party in our relationship who seems deeply involved in our life. I must he honest I say I don’t like her texting or emailing him on holiday or family days out as it feels too intrusive. That’s my problem to deal with. Maybe this is clouding my judgement. The problem I have is that if it’s true she needs my 100% support and even questioning this therapist is a step towards saying I don’t believe.
Whatever the truth relationships have been severely damaged and it will take an awful lot of work to repair them, if they ever can.

Glowing testaments are not the same as professional qualifications

What about saying you are struggling and wish to have a few joint sessions and using them to try establish what is going on. Either way the process is incredibly hard on you and I would imagine it's not something you can share and discuss with family and friends. At the session you could maybe even raise concern about the number of sessions a week. It sounds like your DW is becoming too dependent on the therapy which is not healthy or helpful.

Psychotherapist here. I don’t reply to many posts but this has concerned me. Obviously, I don’t know your DW therapist’s qualifications and experience, however 3 sessions per week (plus emails etc) is in contradiction to therapy best practice (and a red flag to me). One session a week is usually the maximum recommended as the client needs time afterwards to process their emotions and reflect on the session. 3 sessions a week would be totally overwhelming, not to mention expensive. How would your DW feel about cutting down her sessions to once a week?

It is possible for the brain to “bury” traumatic memories as a self protection mechanism (look up Jahari Window). However it is highly unusual for a therapist to ‘suggest’ to the client that they have been sexually abused, as if it has been buried for so long, the client may not be able or ready to deal with it. Best practise is how
TheOrig therapist dealt with it - giving them the tools to release suppressed memories, when they were ready, in a safe environment.

As someone mentioned previously, does the therapist belong to a regulatory body, like BACP? Most reputable therapists will belong to one, to protect themselves as well as their client. Unfortunately, it is not compulsory for therapists, just like anyone can set themsleves up as a therapist, even without qualifications and training. So, check their professional qualifications, if they have regular supervision with a senior therapist (they can often highlight issues you miss in a session or inappropriate behaviour) and what regulatory body they belong to.

Finally, your DW should not be contacting her therapist between sessions, certainly not texting on days out, family time etc. It is highly unethical. From what I’ve read in your posts, it is possible that your DW is becoming dependent on her therapist, when their aim should be to support your DW to be able to deal with her issues in her own.

I hope this helps a little. I don’t want to make too many assumptions as I don’t know your DW or her therapists. It does, however, seem some distance between them would be very beneficial to your DW, enabling her to process everything and to start to become more self sufficient.

StonedRoses I am sorry to hear of your DW's story. I am not qualified to give an opinion about the counsellor or deferred memory, but I was sexually abused as a child, not to the extend your wife describes but bad. I was aware of it every single day and have lived with it all of my life. Occasionally I do get the odd doubt that perhaps I am having a deferred memory, but I know I am not because my mother did find out what was happening on a couple of occasions and brought it up now and again (I think for her self validation).

I am NC with a branch of my family, but they are well aware of why that is.

I did have counselling with a well regarded organisation, and it was helpful. I stopped after a relatively few sesssions as I felt that I had talked myself to death and couldn't bear to do it any longer.

I hope your DW's issues are resolved somehow and she can get some peace. Wishing you both all the best.

that is a horribly sad story. It does seem a bit odd that the therapist suggested that she'd been the victim of sexual trauma to her

I had psychotherapy after I left an abusive x and she asked me a lot of questions and lead me to conclusions but nothing was presented to me like ''you were abused'' or even ''you were neglected''.

I don't blame you at all for wanting a second opinion. That's not the same as not believing in her memories, but I agree that three times a week! omg, like that's perpetual ONGOING trauma. I sometimes had 3 weeks in between sessions and that was a good thing as it gave me time to digest it all.

MrsDeClarmont would definitely agree. I had one session a week for a relatively short period. For me the sessions really helped, but the aftermath of each was very difficult. After my last session I was showing noticable physical symptoms which a couple of colleagues noticed. I have physical pains and hand trembling. They wanted me to see GP but I wouldn't as was going on holiday!

My experience is probably simplistic but being away helped me put a distance on things and I decided that I wouldn't go back for more counselling. There is no way I could have coped with 3 sessions a week, it took me a week to recover from one.

@mrsDeClarmont, glad you posted.

agree with you @stillnumb, I found sessions so draining I needed to recover, not go racing back in 48 hours later!

stillnumb and JungDisciple as you both said, the time between sessions is just as important as the session itself. Please be kind to yourselves during these times.

I don’t really like to comment about other therapists as it’s a massively diverse field, practised in many different way, but I felt very concerned about what OP’s DW is going through when it’s totally unnecessary.