Repressed memories and abuse - trigger warning

[StonedRoses]

Ok so this might be a bit long a complicated - and I’m not sure where it’s all going.

I’ve been with my DW for 18yr, married for 9 and a 8yr DS. DW has had her fair share of health problems, physical and mental and it’s taken its toll on her.

18 month ago she decided that because of the unhappiness from her health she would seek counselling. She was also unhappy that she felt apart and different from her family, partly because she was the only one who had gone to uni and moved away.

At an early meeting her counsellor suggested she’d been the victim of childhood trauma - probably sexual - which she couldn’t remember. This did make some sense to us and explained some of her ‘odd’ behaviour. Since then she’s been working with this counsellor to unravel her memories and things have snowballed. She now believes she was the victim of the most horrific abuse from her family, physical and sexual,from aged 2-18. I can’t bring myself to write the details but it’s Fred and Rose West house of horrors stuff, almost Hindley and Brady in nature, involving many abusers and victims across several countries. I She had no idea any of this has happened until she started therapy. Now however she is getting flashbacks and nightmares.

My problem is that as the details get more lurid I am finding it hard to believe. She had no idea at all this was the case for over 20yr, and believed till recently she had a happy childhood. There’s no collaborating evidence at all. Previous medical and psychiatric investigations haven’t brought up any of this. Her sister who’s two years older can’t recall anything remotely like this. Her family have trouble running a small business so I can’t imagine how they could hide an international child abuse gang for decades. If the allegations are true I can’t see how she is so ‘normal’ given how horrific they are.

I feel very much stuck in the middle. She’s told her family she wants to go nc with them, but not why. I’ve spoken to them and theyre either very good liars or completely baffled by it. I don’t know what the hell to do. I don’t think these are malicious allegations, I think she genuinely believes them but now I’m not sure. I know full well that horrible things happen in families, but I also know that to cause people and cut them off from their family and grandchildren is a terrible thing. Of course unless they’re true and someone confesses it will probably be impossible to know the truth, you can’t prove a negative. If they are true she needs all the support and help anyone can give. If not then it leaves a huge mess

Obviously this has had a huge impact on our relationship. It has taken over and my DW is very unhappy, and resents the fact that I had a happy childhood. This issue is the elephant in the room - wother qe are talking non stop about it or we are very obviously NOT talking about it.

I have no idea what is going on or how to procede. I fear it will eventually tear us apart. When I’m being charitable I think her therapist may have made a mistake, maybe he works so much with abuse victims he sees it everywhere. But at others I worry he is taking advantage of a vulnerable woman, either financially (the therapy is costing over £500 a month a going on for 18 month so far) or worse.

Whatever the truth this episode has destroyed her family, and is rapidly destroying mine. And I just don’t know what to do.

MrsDeClarmont I feel concerned too, although as I said before I am no way qualified to. I used to have adult swimming lessons, which I really enjoyed 3 times a week. Can't imagine doing counselling/therapy on that scale.

Oooh goodness OP.. I agree with the others.. I'm not liking the sound of this atall...

Texting and emails between sessions is unprofessional. Sounds like he is taking advantage, to me.

When I had therapy (and I have had it a lot with different therapists) there was usually a period where the therapist said that research shows you need to take a break to see if you can practise what you have learnt so to speak. I think the nhs recommends no more than 11 months of therapy and then a break. But maybe a professional therapist can tell you if what I am telling you is widely practised.

Hi OP, can I ask what type of psychotherapy your wife is receiving? Three times a week seems exhausting and potentially unhelpful. However if she is having psychoanalysis three sessions a week is the recommended frequency. It's also more expensive so seems to fit with the costs you mention.

I think it's difficult for anyone to really advise unless we know what type of psychotherapy she is having.

I very much do believe it's possible that people repress memories of the most painful and disturbing events. I am inclined to think this mostly relates to either very early childhood or to extraordinary events ie something that doesn't happen repeatedly over a very long time. I'm happy to be told otherwise if I'm wrong. But the level of abuse occurring over aged 2 to 18 years you describe is I think unlikely to have resulted in repressed memories that have completely wiped out all recollection until now.

I'm struggling to see how you can have such a vast period of childhood/young adult years.. almost a decade.. simply be forgotten/lost... repressed memories of traumatic events or incidents yes I get that .. but not an entire decade of a life .. this seems to me to be almost incredulous.. I hope your Wife has an intervention soon because I really am not liking the sound of this therapy....

good luck OP

OP I can only imagine what a distressing time this is for your family.
Please do check the therapist, don't just rely on reviews on his website (anyone can write those). As a PP said before anyone can establish themselves providing therapy having zero qualifications.

I hope you and your DW will find a way out of this mess soon

As others have said, please investigate the therapist further than just the reviews on his website. It all sounds very wrong.

I hope your family can work through this X

I know someone (very close friend) who had horrendous abuse as a child and completely blocked it out - until a mental health emergency arose when he was in university.

I've been abused and while there were some things I didn't remember, I knew other things, but I tried to ignore them.

The therapy I've had has been long term and I've sometimes had more than one session a week but it's always been in intense situations and clear that it's a temporary thing.

I've also had a trauma therapist who accepts emails during the week but not calls or sms. This was when things were REALLY bad. And I was careful not to abuse that because I knew it was her time. She was a qualified, registered psychologist who had supervision.

So repression of memories is a thing. And some good therapists do allow contact between sessions in certain circumstances. And sometimes in trauma therapy there is genuine need for an additional session.

And my trauma therapy continued for 18 months only taking a break because the therapist was sick. It'll restart soon.

BUT

Something sounds very off about your DWs therapy situation. Forget about the money aspect (not that it's insignificant!) and the reported suggestion of abuse (again not insignificant) but three sessions a week is utterly inhumane if it's not (specifically, only - and even then...) psychoanalysis. If this guy is an expert in trauma then he will know the impact trauma has on the nervous system (the physical impact alongside the emotional one). Instead of seeing DW three times a week there should be some push for her to exercise, get outside in nature, (not meditating or doing yoga - those can be horrendous and triggering after long term physical trauma). Her body is impacted and her physical health is as important as mental, but also there's a direct - and proven - link between the two. If you can't question anything without appearing to question your belief in her, perhaps you could bring that issue up. How much movement/fresh air is she getting if she has three sessions a week - where is the decompression time?! Other things that can help are massages, hugs etc but that sort of physical contact could in itself be problematic. I personally found it horrendous to do exercise (and I used to be a gym bunny!) but walking somewhere or cycling somewhere got it in without it being "doing" exercise. While it may have looked from the outside that I wasn't doing much, it was definitely a topic in the therapy.

Social contact is also important, but for me this was utterly impossible. Talking to people who didn't know was a gigantic effort.

Check his accreditation and ask about the physical side are my two recommendations after that long response.

I have suppressed memories (other people have told me I've witnessed things and I've seen photos of me in places I don't remember being), and I have never this far remembered them. My childhood was pretty darn bad but I don't think any abuse happened to me personally, but nonetheless it was distressing to be around what was happening... So it is possible to just "wipe out" memories if they're traumatic.

However, I absolutely heard alarm bells ringing in my head the moment you said the counsellor suggested this was the case with your wife.

Counsellors should never do such things. And the fact that he's seeing her 3 times a week, texting, and emailing her, strongly suggests to me that HE is the abuser. I feel strongly that there is a possibility that he is introducing traumatic false memories to her, either for financial, power, or worse gains.

I would report his inappropriate behaviour. Because even if it's true that she has these memories, or perhaps, she introduced the idea and not him, he is overloading her psychologically with too much therapeutic work, and is causing her to have a huge dependency upon him.

He's also - frankly - fleecing your family financially!

Please intervene. It she truly has had these events happen to her, she can still deal with them, but with a much more safe and appropriate counsellor.

But do consider the possibility this is not real and he is manipulating her at worst, or very bad at his job at best.

As someone uptgread suggested, please contact BACP and ask for help to report this situation.

Flowers for you both.

*upthread

I think also if it's psychoanalysis, that although the analyst will help the person uncover repression and long buried memories the emphasis is not on the plausibility or truth of those memories. It's slightly more complex. It's about working through those self disclosed memories not checking the reliability of that person's account. It's about how those memories often laid down non verbally as feelings confused with functional memory not autobiographical or narrative memory play out now in behaviour, impulse or thinking.

Freud has a lot to answer to. The analyst has to intuitely make connections between self disclosed memory and current presentation to help someone make sense of themselves. When someone analyses anything they can make huge intuitive leaps based on previous experience or knowledge that may prompt them to make suggestions to fill in the gaps and join the dots. Freud initially believed that women presenting with certain psychological conditions and physical ailments had been subjected to early sexual abuse. He then ran screaming from the room because he realised the families of this middle class women would not pay him to tell her she'd been abused by the very people paying his mortgage! He tied himself in knots thereafter. I'm inclined to think his first theory was sadly correct and that he didn't have the courage of his convictions. Many psychoanalysts probably agree and do not stop short of trying to prove his original hypothesis. I think there are many ethical question about the effect of psychoanalysis on those that recieve it. Not least the way in which the analyst themself centres themself into the patients life. If you read about it you feel a sense of unease with the way in which this dependence is a contingent part of the process. It's uncomfortable.

I once worked with a young child who was told by his analyst "those bombs you are watching are your father's penis raping your mother" this is of course speculative, and metaphorical, but it's also deeply disturbing. A lot of what happens is speculative, suggestible, metaphorical and based simply off the therapists own desire to prove beyond doubt some hypothesis they already have.

Just saw soaringswallow 's post, I think you put it better than me.

This has happened to the sister of a friend of mine. She had some MH difficulties and sought therapy and has now claimed absolutely horrific childhood sexual abuse involving witchcraft and group rape by all the family members including her siblings and pets. The stories get more extreme and bizarre as time goes on (it’s been three years).

The entire family is upset and baffled. My friend is 100% clear he was not an abuser nor abused himself and everyone else in the family is happy and functioning. The parents are distraught and trying to maintain contact but she writes vile letters to them and then goes NC again.
She went to the police who conducted a full investigation and found no case at all.

She has become very prominent on CSA forums etc and is definitely getting positive feedback the more she reveals (and she recalls new shocking events almost weekly it seems).
Her therapist should be taken to court for malpractice but doubtless won’t be. She has also remortgaged her house to fund these frequent and costly therapy sessions.

You know that this is highly unlikely to be true. I’m sorry but it’s the level and extremism of the events that ding the alarm bells. I would take some space here afraid if your wife won’t have a therapy break or see a different therapy. This will wreck your marriage.

Thanks everyone for the advice and support. I’m not sure what kind of therapy she is undergoing - but she was warned it will be long and intense at times. A lot of the work seems to involve getting her to trust her therapist - he’s very keen on getting her to hug him for example. It’s not always three times a week - just when things are tough or a crisis. She was warned that it would get worse before it gets better, which is certainly the case here. He is registered and has many years of experience so is clearly genuine. But I still feel a sense of unease, is that just my issues and jealousy?

I’m still utterly confused and distressed by the whole situation. I’m well aware that horrible evil things happen in ‘normal’ families, and that people can dissociate. In that case not only am I not supporting my DW properly I am unwittingly supporting some evil, vile people

Yet

I have a horrible gut feeling something isn’t right. The stories she says are so lurid, and getting worse, it’s like the case Brimestonenotfire talked about. It involves gang rape, torture, witchcraft and worse, multiple abusers and victims. Something doesn’t add up to me that this could go on with no knowledge or memory from anybody. Some bits of the story simply don’t add up. I fear that if she does go to the police it will be thrown out unless somewhere there is evidence we don’t know about - and that will be worse for her mental health.

Also just like the post above I fear it will eventually wreck our marriage no matter how hard we try. I already feel the therapist is too involved in our lives, almost like an affair without the sex. And the whole issue just takes over and clouds everything. How can I discuss or be supported in the marriage when my ‘issues’ are so trivial compared to what she believes went on.

I wrote this the first time then deleted it because my post was so long! I think you need to be looking at your own mental health in this too. Its an incredibly tough but also isolating situation that you're in here. You believe her and it's horrific, you don't believe her and it's another kind of horrific. Either way it's not something to unpick with your mates over a pint!

You need support in this too.

And I also want you to know, as someone who was abused (but not sexually) as a child and has been in very horrible places mentally from it, that you're not obliged to stay in this marriage because she's going through this. You don't cease to exist, your needs don't disappear because of her experiences. She very well may be incapable of dealing with or seeing anything other than her past - real or imagined it makes no difference, it's real to her - and you may want to be by her side. But you have every right at any point to say it's enough. Stay and be there as much as you want or can, but you're allowed to also say no more.

I'm splitting the messages into smaller chunks!

Re the hugging. There are therapists who will allow their clients to hug them. Others who say no way. It depends on the individuals and the circumstances. BUT that's absolutely not the same as telling a client they should be hugging the therapist. Absolutely no way.

There's something else that might be worth checking here. People often hear what they want from therapists, not the exact words the therapist is saying. So if a therapist asks a question "Do you think you should like ice cream?" the client can report that after the session as "She thinks I should like ice cream." This isn't a criticism of anybody - I've been guilty of this and been on the other side of it in counselling training too. So it might be worth asking exactly what the therapist said - the exact words - if she says something like he thinks I should give him a hug.

Any male therapist dealing with any sexual abuse issues would be an absolute idiot to ask his female clients to hug him. Or a very sly bastard.

And you've mentioned twice being jealous and it's like she's having an emotional affair. She does need a good relationship with her therapist. That's good in general. And I think it would be normal for a partner to feel the way you do when their spouse is emotionally reliant on somebody else, especially the opposite sex (if straight).

That's partly why I think it wouldn't be a bad thing for you to get your own support. Maybe once every two weeks for a bit to keep costs down but give you a chance to have someone who listens to YOU and helps you figure out where you are and want to be in this, including how you feel. It's a heavy burden you've got, increased by being unable to share it.

I find the hugging alarming. Another reason to check if a governing body has any information about this person. Like Swallow said, it may be a misunderstanding, but it should be looked into. And I agree, you need support in this too. It sounds like an horrendous situation for all of you.

this is not a healthy Therapist/Patient relationship.. I wouldn't be happy with this course either OP...

I nearly said that I bet he's a Freudian psychoanalyst (or wannabe) in my earlier post but didn't want to jump to conclusions. But I bet he is.

If he's a psychoanalyst then 3 sessions a week is not unusual. Full analysis is five times a week. I'm currently doing basic training with a Jungian institute and if I wanted to continue training with them, I'd be expected to have this level of analysis for several years.

The frequency isn't bothering me but it's the fact that the OP said that the therapist had suggested the abuse, which he really shouldn't have done. Unless he's of a school of thought that anxiety and depression in women is caused by repressed sexual trauma.

Any chance of suggesting she has a consultation with someone else to review where the therapy is at/ get a second opinion? That's a thing that Ive heard that therapists agree to. There's also the option of getting her referred through the NHS but then the chances of getting someone suitably experienced is quite slim to be honest.

Not to suggest that psychologists in the NHS aren't great - they are - but first line will be six sessions of CBT with someone who might not have much experience of the complexity of this situation.

But clinical psychology is an NHS service and her GP should be able to refer her or if not, refer her in to the community mental health team who can make a referral.

Thanks again for the support and advice, really helpful.

I really think a second opinion would be very helpful, preferably from a registered psychologist or psychiatrist who has an NHS practice. I’d be quite happy to pay for this - it couldn’t be much more than we’re currently paying! But DW isn’t too keen on this as she feels it would muddy the waters and confuse her. So I feel we’re kind of stuck. I want to believe her (although obviously I wish these things weren’t true) and support her properly but I’m struggling.

A lot of the reading I’ve done about PTSD and dissociation comes from veterans and trauma. The best analogy I can come up with is that this isn’t a case of a veteran not recalling a horrific incident, but of a vetran not recalling ever being in Vietnam or even in the army till many years later. And I find it hard to get my head round it.

All I want to do is to do the right thing and be a decent father and husband. But stuck between two sides of a warring family with no way of knowing who’s correct I don’t know what the right thing is anymore.

I think you have to persuade your Wife that speaking to another professional in no way undermines or changes' the memories discovered' with her own/other 'therapist' .. there is no shame is seeking a second opinion.. she may even find peace and understanding of what has happened...

It seems to me you've had a selection of very sound replies so far, OP, and it's been years since I finished formal therapy so I'm not going to comment on methods.

I know all about 'false memory syndrome' and the 'satanic abuse' controversy. I still don't know which side is correct. The world is full - fuller than you've probably imagined - of child sexual abuse and of adults denying it. Thanks to Jimmy Savile and other historic abuse inquiries, there is now documentation of the scale & ferocity of these cover-ups. "It happens" is an understatement.

Before starting therapy after a breakdown, I had no idea that I was an abused child - or that I had no childhood memories. Nearly everything about my youth was sort of wallpapered over, for want of a better term. Obviously my background made huge impacts on my conduct as an adult, which I was unable to see because I was blind to the context. My memories are still extremely sparse.

My first therapist prompted me to realise I'd been abused. It did feel like she told me I had, but that's not how it happened. She guided our talks and I reached an "Aha! moment".

Rediscovering one's own horrid past is a shocking, nightmarish process which undermines everything you thought you knew. Awful for the subject, and no fun for people around her either. It can be frightening, confrontational and very isolating. If you're open to finding a counsellor for yourself, it's worth considering.

While it's understandable that anyone going through this would need pretty full-on therapeutic support, the relationship you're describing does sound exceptionally intense. Some schools of treatment hinge on the emotional interplay between practitioner & subject in ways that can look very weird from outside but, all the same, I'd have expected him to dial down the out-of-hours contact ... unless he's assessed her risk level as acute.

This, again, is something you could discuss with another therapist.