I really thought I was done with all this bullshit years ago. 
Bucke up, it’s a long one.
I’ve just found out ‘d’h is having an affair. I was raging and now I just feel flat and completely drained by it- it’s only been four hours!
Like most long term couples we’ve had our ups and downs. We’ve had a few downs in recent months with lack of time for each other, we have 3 DC aged 15-2 together. He works very long hours in town so I pretty much do all household
/mental loaf and kids stuff in the week.
We were having a bad patch as I was getting so fed up that he never made time for us, particularly in the week. He would regularly go out for drinks in the week, do his sport at least once per week, he signed up to volunteer on a local committee etc. On average he would be out 3 times per week after work, could on ocassion be 5 nights, coming home anytime between 9-12. At the weekends I do a hobby for a 2 hours both weekend days with one of the DC. He would moan that we never spend time together, and said that this time my DC and I spent together meant that we never spent time as a couple. He didn’t seem to appreciate that if he came home from work straight away at 7pm then he would actually see the kids and me. I admit, I was pissed of and resentful that he was trying to take the only 4 hours I had to do something I enjoy away, rather than actually be part of our family in the week. He was grumpy and miserable on occasion but it wasn’t all bad by any means. I didn’t mind him going out a lot as his job is very stressful and intense, so long as when he was here he made an effort.
Anyway it came to a head at its very worst, in mid September and I said I was really fucked off that he was always miserable and sulking at home, the mornings in particular were awful. He would roll out of bed, way after I got up with kids, and then expect me to drive him to the station with barely a good morning and without doing any parenting at all. I put it quite simply that why would I want to spend time with you when you are so bloody miserable. You blame it on disliking your job and yet you have so many social engagements you clearly can’t be like this all the time or nobody would want to spend time with you!! Why are they with making an effort for but I’m not?
Anyway that was the lowest point. It lasted a few weeks but after our talk it genuinely did improve and things have been really good between us. Yes, he still goes out a lot, but when he’s here he’s not so god damn miserable. We’ve done a lot of stuff together as a family and as a couple and things are the best they’ve been in months. Without being TMI our sex life had really picked up, having dwindled from twice a month to several times a week and great sex at that.
I was delighted things were going so well and we were back on track after a minor bump in the road. I saw it as we’ve been together 16 years, of course there are peaks and troughs. We have had several.
However, there were a couple of niggly things I couldn’t shake. The first being that at the end of September DC1 and I went away for the night as he has qualified for a major competition in his sport. The plan had been my father would look after Dc3 and pick up dc2 from school and DH would come back ASAP from work and collect them around 7.
At 730 I get a worried call from df saying he couldn’t get hold of DH and should he feed kids at his house and bath them etc. I was 4 hours away and completely stuck. Tried calling DH repeatedly both at work and on mobile and couldn’t get through. Eventually got a text saying he had been delayed at work and was about to leave for train. Then radio silence. At gone 9 I get s slightly worried call from df. Still nothing from DH and should he put the kids to bed at his house? I’m mortified and stressed as I have no idea why DH hasn’t turned up and there’s nothing I can do as I’m 4 hours away (and if I did leave then dc1 would miss his competition the next morning). Eventually got hold of DH and he spun me some line about trains cancelled, trying another line and such bollocks. I looked up find my friends and he was not at the station but as busy area where there are bars etc. I asked and he said he’d gone for a drink whilst waiting for train to sort itself out. My dad ended up picking him up from the station at 1130pm. I didn’t persue it but I just didn’t believe this story and thought it likely that he had maybe snuck off for a drink with one of his male work mates he’s close too. Although I thought it was likely there was some truth in the story, ie trains delayed, busy so decided to wait till less busy for eg. I didn’t think he would be a complete shit by deliberately planning to not turn up.
Anyway things were improving a lot but spidey senses were tingling. I have no idea why. He was staying out a litte later once a week or more, midnight or so, coming back a bit drunk which didn’t usually happen so often.
Between us things were going strength to strength. He was more emotionally available and making an effort to do more.
About a week or two ago. I made some crack about having s dream he had fooled around with his secretary at work just to gauge his reaction. Nothing.
On Friday he said he was going to be late staying out with some work mates as it was a birthday. All fine, just don’t wake me. When he got in his did wake me. He got into bed and was fiddling with his phone. Didn’t think much of it. I sleepily got up to go for a wee and he acted as if he’d had an electric shock and hid his phone under his pillow which was odd.
I’ll be honest, I’m my sleepiness I sort of forgot until today. He had left his phone out and gone into the shower.
Well I’m sure you can guess. Very very explicit messages including videos she’d sent him. The text was explicit but did seem to imply they hadn’t yet slept together.
We had s family engagement this evening. I held it together.
I confronted him this evening.
He admitted it. Almost from the cheaters script. We were in a really bad place, no time together bollocks.
Said she’s a colleague. Claims it’s only been going on since September. Came about because we were in a bad place. He hadn’t slept with her, but they’d gone out drinking after work several times, inc the night he went AWOL. They’d kissed and clearly exchanged explicit msgs but no more. However they did discuss sleeping together as they have a works away weekend in two weeks.
I am gutted. I am beyond fucking furious that he would take the piss out of my father like he did. I could almost get my head around it if it had stopped as soon as things improved with us. I would think him weak and pathetic but I could kind of understand it.
I’ve gone from raging at him at 1-2am to completely flat as nothing from 4 till now. I can’t sleep. I’ve been sick.
How could he chuck away 16 years and three kids over this?
Apparently he’s sorry (that he was caught!) although he did say at one point he’s glad I now know and it’s stopped before it went any further. He loves me, he wants to be with me, he doesn’t know what on Earth possessed him etc etc etc.
I am so angry that he has put me in this position. Right now he disgusts me. How can I ever look at him the same, or feel intimate with him again (as I said, post baby number 3 and extended BF until recently our sex life has taken a battering and I’m about a stone heavier than I was and feel a bit grumpy). Whilst I didn’t watch her videos, it is very clear she’s young, toned, very slim etc etc She works with him so it’s not like he can go no contact.
I don’t think I can leave him even if it’s what I want to do (which I’m not sure about) without tearing the kids lives apart. I haven’t worked since dc2 was born as we put his career first. We live in an expensive south east area and our mortgage alone is 2k per month for a perfectly normal family house. We would have to move, i would have to move the kids schools, the older two are both v sporty, (different sports) but DC1 would definitely have to give his up as it’s expensive.
What the fuck do I do with this mess he’s made.