Narcissist Ex Hoover/Trying to Contact me: Massive Anxiety

[LookBackInSorrow]

A man who I was deeply in love with but was horribly emotionally abusive to me has just tried to get back in touch with me after 2.5 years.

It was a classic massive love bomb situation and I thought I'd found my Mr Right, followed by a nasty, nasty, cruel discard and then a repeat rinse cycle that happened a few too many times to be defensible. In short, I was an idiot in love with hope each time would be different.

I have heard nothing from him for over 2 years. This afternoon in the space of about an hour he contacted me 6 times - call at work, call on mobile, call to home, text message, and 2 emails to work and home emails both asking to call him.

I know what this is - a blatant hoover - probably because he's at a loose end/single/low on sex options. I've been here before.

This time for some reason I am filled with massive anxiety. I think I am scared of him or of speaking to him. I have a huge knot in my stomach and feel a bit sick when I think of having to speak to him. He never hit me or anything like that so I'm not sure what this is.

Why am I feeling like this? The best way to describe it is anxious fear - but fear of what exactly? I'm more than capable of ignoring him or telling him I'm too busy to see him if I get caught out and take a call.

It's also reawakened all the feelings of worthlessness he created in me before which hasn't helped. I am feeling like "I loved you so much, I was offering you everything and you think so little of me that you think it's fine for our last contact to be another cruel discard and that you can just get in touch years later like there is no problem."

How shit must I be that a man thinks its ok to treat me like a disposable piece of trash you can pick up and drop at will? Why do I feel so anxiously frightened?

Block him on your phone and all email addresses.

You have a knot because you know how he can make you feel but you have to power to stop it simply by blocking and ignoring.

Taking the positive step of making sure he can't contact you will help.

I understand- I have a similar reaction to someone too.

I see it as my inner mind finally doing its job and keeping me from danger.

We’re like people who touched the hot flame so often the burns never healed and now our scars remind us not to touch the fire again

I can't work out what I'm scared of or so anxious about to the point that I am physically feeling it in my stomach.

I mean even if I did speak to him how bad can a conversation that goes like this be:
hi how are you?
fine how are you?
fine. been a while. I've missed you and been thinking of you. fancy meeting up?
yes it has been a while.sorry I'm not available I'm afraid. been nice to speak to you but I've got to go as super busy at work right now.
Bye

That's not something to be scared of. He did a right number on me emotionally but he's still just a man isn't he not some kind of supernatural devil. [although I think I may see him as a supernatural devil]

No it's not. But I bet the idea of falling for it again and being with him is fucking terrifying. Even if rationally you know it won't happen.

Err. Leave out the sorry and its been nice to speak toyou.
"Yes it has been I while. I'm not available to meet you." or even better " I don't want to meet you"

He did a right number on me emotionally

Imho-You have not fully recovered. His contact has triggered leftover anxiety.

Emotional abuse is very insidious and can take a very long time to go through the processes of healing. Imho, one can ignore or dissociate the abuse as a coping strategy. The discovery of the abuse can be kind of shocking and takes time to come to terms with...then getting away is another step. Well done on getting away!

But that is just surviving. Imho, to thrive again, the abuse needs to be addressed to unpick the circumstances and dynamics of how it happened and pinpoint and acknowledge your feelings (which have probably been stuffed down to a state of numbness-more coping).

Imho, After a bunch of time away from the insult/abuse, your subconscious may finally feel safe to let things be processed. For me, it poured forth in dreams and a journal (and many posts on MN!)- a catharsis. Little incidents came back to me and it was like: “oh, that’s what that was about!”

Perhaps your emotional flooding now is a signal to process what happened to move forward towards the holy grail of complete indifference towards him.

Imho, It really is not easy at all and can take ages. Counseling can help with this. MN as a support group can help. Journaling- writing things out and then burning or shredding the paper can help “get it out” (sounds a little silly but it does help).

But do not- under any circumstance- be in contact with him. You can not heal and thrive while continuing to be exposed to the abuse/toxic pathogen/allergen/the plague.

Block him on everything asap. The flurry and variety of communications in that brief span of time is just a manipulation. It is bait. Leave it.

Don't even think of responding to him. Block him on everything.

Block his number and email address. Can you screen your work phone so you don't pick up to him?

Would strongly suggest you don't call him back, and if he does get through to you, keep it short and firm - "I've moved on. Don't call me again. If you do I will consider it harassment and will report to the police" and then hang up. Have it written down and in easy view so you feel prepare and in control.

He's getting a sick buzz thinking he'll be stressing you out with all this chasing, and thinking he might get you back on his terms.
Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Oh and you're not the shitty one here

OP my ex invokes the same reaction from me; fear and anxiety and like yourself I’m never really sure why as I’m pretty fearless really. Perhaps it is because they are our abusers and as other posters have said it’s our minds way of protecting itself.

Your situation sounds like textbook narc abuse, he’s trying to claw back the control hence the very forceful communication technique he has chosen to employ. My ex, having abandoned me with his baby reached out to me sporadically with one liners, the best being “who do you belong to S, you need me don’t you?”- that one made me chuckle at the audacity and more so when I found out he was celebrating the OWs birthday in Portugal. Other times he’s sent me late night messages whilst the OW has been asleep next to him telling me he wish he could replace her with me, that she was just safety and I’m his true love blah blah, he says those things to feed the competitor in me,

The trick is not to respond, although I know how hard that is. It’s very seductive but responding, even by telling him you’re not interested is fatal because then you’re on the hook. He’s successfully engaged you.

If you do manage to ignore him be warned he may, as my ex did find other methods of communication such as sending expensive gifts, my most recent was a very expensive Ruby ring and floral deliveries followed by canvas prints of us together. I’ve been in this cycle for 6 years and have finally broken free (I think) but it’s not easy and even today, right now I have to keep myself in check because it would be so easy for me to tell him to come back and meet his beautiful baby.

Please take strength from this thread and try not to respond (although I know it’s so hard not to it almost feels impossible).

Sorry you’re going through this OP

How shit must I be that a man thinks its ok to treat me like a disposable piece of trash you can pick up and drop at will?

Who would you be without that thought?

Go back to your authentic self. The one that has been happy for two years and stay there.

Block, block and block. You know the drill.

Good luck

Block. Don’t be tempted to respond. You sound like you’re in recovery but not yet ‘cured’. Don’t let him hinder your progress with his abusive behaviour.

If somebody had stabbed you and got back in contact and you suspected they had a knife hidden behind their back, it would be normal to have a panicked reaction. We would call it PTSD.

Block

Block

Block

Since he is clearly not blocked already, this may be a step further than you've ever done. And a sign of the independance and autonomy the last two years have given you.

Thank for the replies. I'm not going to respond to him and am not tempted to.

I don't want to block him tbh because I need for my own sanity to know that I can just not respond to him. I also want to know if he is trying to contact me so I am on alert.

I think that Elspeth's knife analogy may be the answer - I know how much he hurt me before and so it makes sense I would be anxious. It's just I've not felt this kind of anxious fear before. Maybe that's a good sign - in the past I'm ashamed to say I've been excited he has got in touch

@AndTheBandPlayedOn - thanks for your post particularly -it' given me a lot to think about.

Just thinking about him makes my self esteem shrivel up. If I wrote some of the things he'd /said /done to me you'd be so shocked that I didn't just walk away. It still makes me feel shitty about myself but now as well as feeling I must be substandard for him to treat me like that I also judge myself harshly for not walking away sooner.

I've had no further contact from him since so I think I'm clear - I bet he just fancied sex and was trawling old contacts. No doubt he found someone to bite. That was me once.

How shit must I be that a man thinks its ok to treat me like a disposable piece of trash

No, how shit must he be. No decent human being treats another one like he treats you. It's likely to be a pattern with him, btw.

@SeaEagleFeather

I know that's right but I can't get away from feeling that he wouldn't treat someone he really wanted that way. Someone he valued. I mean you wouldn't would you?

My sense that this was just a hoover for a possible hook up is strengthened because I've not heard from him since. It's insane behaviour to be silent for years, try to contact someone 6 times in less than an hour and then go silent again.

He probably was contacting a fair few others too, and whoever took the bait first!
He is vile. You are not.

Don’t blame yourself OP he’s vile and he’s at fault here. My ex used to contact 4/5 women when he just wanted sex, I found out months after we broke up and it made me feel like shit but we are not to blame.

t I can't get away from feeling that he wouldn't treat someone he really wanted that way. Someone he valued. I mean you wouldn't would you

No, you wouldn't. I'm sure he'd treat a very rich gf differently so that he could go on to marry her money.

He doesn't value you, no (harsh but I fear true). But that isn't because of you. It's because of him. He doesn't -know- how to value the stuff that sticks - love, kindness, a decent character.

He probably was contacting a fair few others too, and whoever took the bait first!

@Halftermcoming I'm 100% sure that is right. It contributes to the feeling of feeling shitty all over again. It's like he thinks I'm such a soft touch that after such a long time he can tap me up for sex without the slightest acknowledgment of how he treated me or the massive passing of time. He has a basis to think that mind you because of how "easy" I was to win round before.

@SeaEagleFeather

t I can't get away from feeling that he wouldn't treat someone he really wanted that way. Someone he valued. I mean you wouldn't would you

No, you wouldn't. I'm sure he'd treat a very rich gf differently so that he could go on to marry her money.

He doesn't value you, no (harsh but I fear true). But that isn't because of you. It's because of him. He doesn't -know- how to value the stuff that sticks - love, kindness, a decent character.

You are right. He doesn't value me and I don't take it as harsh because you are right and I know it.

The rest of you post is what I find crippling to me emotionally and always did when I was seeing him. He would treat a woman who was beautiful, kind, wealthy and so on well. He doesnt treat me like that so it follows that he doesn't see me as attractive enough, kind enough, wealthy enough or anything enough.

Him getting in touch with me like this after such a huge gap with this sense of urgency and then going totally quiet again just reinforces it. I was absolutely a piece of disposable junk to him. The fact he would think it was ok to try again after literally years of silence just says so much about what he thinks of me and also the shocking way I kept going back for more in the past.

No idea why it took me so long to have the strength to get away from him.

@Didsomeonesaybunny

My ex used to contact 4/5 women when he just wanted sex, I found out months after we broke up and it made me feel like shit but we are not to blame.

I would put money on him doing the same. It's probably why there was such a flurry of contact "I want sex and I need to know now which of you past fools is still dumb enough to want me".

My problem is that I always felt like I was to blame because I wasn't enough.

It's not you!
It's him.

If you blocked him you would likely never hear from him again. Then you'd never have to go back to this place emotionally. Something to think about.

My problem is that I always felt like I was to blame because I wasn't enough

it's one hell of a shock when you realise that feelings can be so disparate and what really really matters to you, to your soul, can be treated so lightly and contemptuously by someone else.

It's a nasty lesson in one aspect of human nature and not one you forget.

But it -is- him. It's not you. The 'good treatment' of a wealthier / more beautiful woman is shallow and it's only good because of something he can get. He's not a pleasant person at all, no matter how wonderful he made you feel for a short time.

His character, to treat someone the way he's treated you, is very poor.

OP - I felt the same way. I blamed myself constantly. I tried to improve/reinvent myself as I never felt good enough for him when in fact I was too good for him. You are too. It’s only since we’ve split up have I seen the true extent of his behaviour, in one week he slept with 4 different women days after splitting up with me (I was 8 months pregnant).

Another poster has mentioned your ex will probably try and find someone with money, my ex has done exactly that, well, his girlfriend doesn’t have money but her parents do. My ex is on his ass financially so he has seen an opportunity.

@Didsomeonesaybunny

OP - I felt the same way. I blamed myself constantly. I tried to improve/reinvent myself as I never felt good enough for him when in fact I was too good for him.

OMG - this was me 100%. I was always trying to be better, trying to impressing, running round and round like a dog chasing its tail. It's so sad really that it was never appreciated. I spent ages once learning (yes that's right lessons!) to cook a specific gourmet menu for his birthday. The night I cooked it all it went perfectly. It was a work of art.
He did turn up but decided he wanted to watch television throughout the meal so we barely spoke and I don't know if he even tasted the food. All I cared about was impressing him but he never appreciated it at all. It used to make me so sad that some people would have been thrilled with both the meal and the effort that I'd gone to (it was filled with love) and he made me feel so small and rejected all the time.

How did you move on and make the mental shift from thinking "this is my fault."? Even though I've been no contact for a long time, I admit to being dogged by this type of feeling to this day - if I was more everything he might have wanted me.