Narcissist Ex Hoover/Trying to Contact me: Massive Anxiety

[LookBackInSorrow]

A man who I was deeply in love with but was horribly emotionally abusive to me has just tried to get back in touch with me after 2.5 years.

It was a classic massive love bomb situation and I thought I'd found my Mr Right, followed by a nasty, nasty, cruel discard and then a repeat rinse cycle that happened a few too many times to be defensible. In short, I was an idiot in love with hope each time would be different.

I have heard nothing from him for over 2 years. This afternoon in the space of about an hour he contacted me 6 times - call at work, call on mobile, call to home, text message, and 2 emails to work and home emails both asking to call him.

I know what this is - a blatant hoover - probably because he's at a loose end/single/low on sex options. I've been here before.

This time for some reason I am filled with massive anxiety. I think I am scared of him or of speaking to him. I have a huge knot in my stomach and feel a bit sick when I think of having to speak to him. He never hit me or anything like that so I'm not sure what this is.

Why am I feeling like this? The best way to describe it is anxious fear - but fear of what exactly? I'm more than capable of ignoring him or telling him I'm too busy to see him if I get caught out and take a call.

It's also reawakened all the feelings of worthlessness he created in me before which hasn't helped. I am feeling like "I loved you so much, I was offering you everything and you think so little of me that you think it's fine for our last contact to be another cruel discard and that you can just get in touch years later like there is no problem."

How shit must I be that a man thinks its ok to treat me like a disposable piece of trash you can pick up and drop at will? Why do I feel so anxiously frightened?

Hun no matter if you were the best at everything in the whole world. He would have still found a fault with you. It's not you. It's him. He feels that way about himself and projects it on you.

You are enough, love yourself as you are perfect. And block the bastard everywhere

The issues are with them not you. They make you feel rubbish so they can feel good about themselves.
It really is that simple.

OP for the longest time I blamed myself. I spoke to some oh his ex’s and they told me how horrendous he was, he fed them the same lines of bullshit and would even send us identical messages. Speaking to them helped me realise I wasn’t insane and the behaviour he displayed towards me he has exuded to all of the exes I spoke to.

I had a child with my ex and she’s only a month old but the final nail in the coffin was seeing him with his new girlfriends daughter playing happy families, I pity her for she is about to be plagued with heartache as he’s about to leave her again, it’s all so sad.

Don’t give in OP, stay strong, honestly being able to say no is the most empowering feeling in the world.

UPDATE

This is my thread from the end of last year & I'm the OP.

Today (a f8cking Sunday!) at 5pm (at 5pm!!!) I had a text message from the narcissist man I referred to in my original post that said (and I quote)"fancy dinner tonight?" . That's all it said and nothing more.

I have now not seen him for approaching 3 years.

I know it is a hoover. I know he is looking for sex. I know he will have sent the same text to probably a ton of different women. I know I won't respond.

I know all this but even now - all this time later- despite knowing the truth of everything written previously on this thread, I now feel like shit all over again.

In what world would someone you haven't seen for nearly 3 years be free for a random hookup dinner that evening when asked at 5pm on a Sunday.

I see it all but even though I haven't responded I still feel like a belittled prostitute and I'm not sure why I feel so belittled.

I mean he's someone I loved and cared about who has no love in his soul. I see it, I understand it. Why would I still feel like a piece of turd ground into the floor?

When will I ever look at this and laugh at his patheticness and know I'm better than him?

The dirty truth is deep in my soul I still wish he valued me and saw what is lovely and great about me but I know he won't and thinking this is a fantasy and a waste of energy. Still feel it though. I'm such a waste of space

Can’t you block his number or change your number so you’re done with this? Why is he still able to get a message through to you? Everytime you get one, despite it being years, you go into a huge spiral of negative emotions. I think you’d benefit from speaking to a counsellor and working on your self esteem.

Hi and sympathy. What may help is to understand a fundamental truth about narcissistic/sociopathic people: they cannot love properly because they are wired wrong in the brain. They simply see other people as either prey or competition. If they see you as weak prey they try to exploit you. Conversely, if they see you as strong and hence a competitive threat you are hated and they try to tear you down and destroy you if they get an opportunity, hence deliberate disregard of your amazing meal and every other impressive thing you did. Either way, they will never love you or admire you or respect you or feel tender towards you or ANY other woman because they are mentally incapable of these emotions. Like a shark or a tiger or some other predator. Once you see him in these terms you will see you never could impress him or win him or bowl him over, no woman will. Also you see his return is not personal, he views everyone like this. These people lead utterly empty, bored lives. They manipulate because they can't love. It would be pitiable if they didn't create so much misery. You are genuinely missing nothing by this empty shell of a human not being in your life.

This is a bit "woo" but I think some of us are hardwired to be more vulnerable to this kind of behaviour - maybe due to bad early experiences. It's like you have an affinity for being rejected or not feeling enough so rather than just taking this guy as a weirdo you're taking him seriously.

That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, don't overthink things or get stuck in the past.

Maybe you should also be mindful of what steps you could take to emotionally \practically \intellectually move your life forward in other ways? Are you dating others? You're clearly a bit of a perfectionist - are you putting that energy into making your own life really cool?

I had that same feeling of unexplained fear the last time I went round to my ex's house who was abusive but at the time I had no idea. He ended up threatening to hurt me and becoming extremely frightening, please don't dismiss your fear.

Cluster B personality types can be dangerous because they lack empathy. It's important to be on your guard, do not answer the phone and certainly don't answer the door if he turns up. Log all attempts at contact and record with the police if it continues and becomes harassment.

There is a good book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker that talks about that bad gut feeling of fear which I recommend to everyone but especially women who have been in abusive relationships.

Keep yourself safe, contact friends and family and arrange to meet them. Block, log and don't let him manipulate you. I don't think it's a good idea to 'see if you can resist answering' as that gives him importance and puts you at risk. Also seek therapy with an abuse trained counsellor if you haven't already because abuse leaves trauma and often PTSD.

Sorry, just realised I replied to your post from last year.

Sounds like you still are suffering from the after effects of his abuse and that your self esteem is still damaged. You might find the following helpful as well as therapy with a counsellor who understands abuse:

Psychopath Free by Jackson McKenzie
Why does the do that by Lundy Bancroft
Boundaries after a Pathological relationship. by Adeyln Birch

Thrive after abuse channel on youtube is really good:

Lots of other good channels too if you search for healing from narcissistic abuse.

There’s no reason for you not to block him. Really. You know this. If you had blocked him you would not have received and read his text and would not need to be reposting on your old thread.
Just block him. Do it now x

You’ve proved you can be contacted by him and not reply. Block now, on everything. He’s still controlling you, by dredging up these feelings in you, making you mull over his actions. Don’t allow him to.

I think you need to look at the reason you gave for not blocking him and ask yourself if it’s really true.

Are you not blocking him because a little part of you is hoping that he will apologise and tell you that he really goes value you? It’s not going to happen. Not because you’re not valuable, but because he doesn’t have the capacity to see you as fully human. It’s not you. It’s him, he’s inadequate. He’s limited. It’s not that he doesn’t understand that he hurts you. It’s that he doesn’t care.

His actions mean nothing about you except that you’re a kind and caring person. He can never give you what you want.

Stop torturing yourself. Block him on every channel and for your own peace of mind treat yourself to some therapy.

You know by not blocking him and letting his messages come through you are allowing him to have this impact on your mood and your self esteem. You have the power to never let him impact you in this way ever again. And you dont need to feel the way you do. Block, block block. Hes a shit and you deserve much much better. But you need to value yourself enough to protect yourself from his shittiness.

If this is the reaction you have to a blatant hoover then you need to block. You don’t need this coming at you at random times to punch you in the gut.

For your own sanity.

I'm 100% sure that is right. It contributes to the feeling of feeling shitty all over again. It's like he thinks I'm such a soft touch that after such a long time he can tap me up for sex without the slightest acknowledgment of how he treated me or the massive passing of time. He has a basis to think that mind you because of how "easy" I was to win round before.

It's not that he this you are easy..
He thinks all women are easy
This kind thinks all he has to do is smile at a woman and she will drop her knickers for him. And if he receives a knock back, he has to attack: she must be "frigid" or "a lesbian" or "a cock tease" or "just playing games".

You need to block him. And maybe get some counselling as to why you are so reluctant to do so.
Is there any other way he could contact you? If so do your best to change those so you "disappear".

I mean even if I did speak to him how bad can a conversation that goes like this be:
hi how are you?
fine how are you?
fine. been a while. I've missed you and been thinking of you. fancy meeting up?
yes it has been a while.sorry I'm not available I'm afraid. been nice to speak to you but I've got to go as super busy at work right now.
Bye
Actually if he initiated contact I'd only be saying "I have no wish to speak to you. Please leave me alone."

Then put the phone down, block and delete him on everything. If you are on social media tighten up your settings so he can't see what you are up to. Leaving him unblocked is like you picking at a scab and the wound never having a chance to heal.

Give someone like this one chink of an opening, even just through good manners on your part, and you could be heading back to where you were before.

Protect yourself OP - he will never change.

If you have not had any counselling I'd suggest you find a professional who has some idea of how narcissists operate so you can get this part of your life back. You sound vulnerable to him still.

I have blocked him. This was from a different number I didn't have in my phone.

(Blocking on my phone is of limited use anyway - it stops text messages and the phone ringing directly but it doesn't stop someone leaving you a voicemessage. If the number is blocked, it stops the phone ringing but diverts it to voicemessage as I found out previously).

I've had therapy about this but although its given me a greater understanding, It hasn't really helped with how I feel about myself or himm or this dynamic.

I have been unable to make the leap from thinking this is about me and how rubbish I am to make him treat me like prostitute (Seriously who would just go that's fine I'll come for dinner with you and sleep with you after all the history hear and not having seen or spoken to you for years) TO accepting its actually his problem and not mine.

I can't get past the point of if I was a person of value he wouldn' treat me like this. If i was Jennifer Lawrence or Gigi Hadid or young beautiful famous and wealthy I know he'd never behave like this. He'd be kind and considerate and treat them like a thing of value. I had that treatment very briefly at the start of our relationship.

Thats why I find it so upsetting when he tries a hoover like this. I'm not responding to him as I know contact with him will make it worse - but whoever said his contact throws me into a spiral of upset was right.

The only real "person of value" to this person is himself. He may see people like Jennifer Lawrence or Gigi Hadid as more of a challenge because of their high profile, but if he were ever to have a relationship with them he'd end up treating them the same because of the person HE is.

People of high profile/famous etc still have very much the same emotional problems as the rest of us. If they didn't there'd be no cheating, lying, divorces etc in their circles.

Well done for not replying - I see he used a different number to contact you to get around the blocking thing - can you change numbers?

I can't get past the point of if I was a person of value he wouldn' treat me like this. If i was Jennifer Lawrence or Gigi Hadid or young beautiful famous and wealthy I know he'd never behave like this. He'd be kind and considerate and treat them like a thing of value. I had that treatment very briefly at the start of our relationship.

I disagree - he would eventually treat them exactly like this - but it would give him a massive kick to do that to them.
The way he treated you at the beginning is called Love Bombing - and just like real bombing it is designed to break down your barriers.

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? It might help you sort out just what was going on in this relationship.
Him using a different number just shows he is persistent. If he continues then you might want to get legal advice. There are ways to stop him contacting you.

He sounds like my very recent ex. Name doesn’t begin with R does it?!
Hope you are ok, I wish I’d never met my ex Narcissist, and will be trying very hard to stay NC!

Have you thought about changing your number?
Or just text him and pretend to be someone else and tell him to not use this number again?

Or just text him and pretend to be someone else and tell him to not use this number again?

I like this idea - but he'd probably see through it. If I ever hear from him again in future I might do this.

Changing number isn't really worth it for me.Although its upsetting I've only heard from him 2 or 3 times in the last 3 years Its not a stalking problem.The problem is my reaction to him On the other hand I use my phone for work and often have clients call me months even years later for repeat work. I could do it but I don't think its worth it. The delay between him contacting me seems to be getting longer so he,ll give up eventually.

posted too early was going to say

The problem here is me not him.I should be able to accept that his emotional abuse of me is due to him not me but for resaons I'm not sure of it doesn't click mentally in a meaningful way.

I think in a way some of these people do have almost supernatural powers, I say that not to scare you but to explain why it is so hard to break away, the mixture of cruelty and charisma really f*** with your brain.
Some sort of ritual might help or wear a talisman to keep him away, something to make your inner mind feel safe and feel like it has its own magical powers with which to fight him off, of course this is symbolism, I understand there's no such thing as magic but the inner mind works via (what might be termed) magical thinking