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Original poster

Assessment for couples counselling. What to expect?

38 replies

katherinez · 18/06/2007 09:03

As I have said on other threads dh and I have been having problems recently. We have an assessment next week to see if we are suitable for couples counselling. Just wondering what to expect really, not so much from the counselling but from the initial assessment. Dh thinks they will do compatability tests or something which is worrying me. I think he thinks they are going to tell us whether we are meant to be together or not! Has anyone had an assessment like this? Can anyone tell me what they are likely to do/say? Im so worried. TIA

OP posts:
lou33 · 18/06/2007 09:07

they just ask you both where you see the problems to lie, ask you about your domestic set up, that kind of thing, you both get a chance to speak

they take notes about it so they can allocate a counsellor to you , who has a bit of background info to go on when you start your sessions

your h is wrong, they dont ever do that

Ulysees · 18/06/2007 09:12

no lou's right he's wrong hun. I was going to be a relate counsellor.......until my split (my decision) anyway, I digress, they'll do as Lou says. Is it relate you're going to? The training they get is intense and they're fantastic IMO. I haven't been as a couple but mixed with counsellors.
They try to get you both to solve the problem yourself and just guide you. It's more about the communication aspect and hearing each other. They won't sit and tell you anything.
Wishing you all the best hun xx

Ulysees · 18/06/2007 09:13

oh and my split didn't stop me being one but circumstances

lou33 · 18/06/2007 09:14

they wont ever tell you if you should be together or not, but they will help you through whichever decision you make

Dior · 18/06/2007 09:20

Message withdrawn

Original poster
katherinez · 18/06/2007 09:21

Thanks lou33, thanks ulysees. Thats reassuring in a way. I think my dh may be hoping to shift the responsibilty to the counsellor to make the decision that we should not be together. I know I cant change his mind or change how hes feeling but at least maybe he will have to face up to his responsibilties. If that makes sense.

Does anyone know of any reasons why they would say you are not suitable for couples counselling?

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Original poster
katherinez · 18/06/2007 09:28

Im not sure whether its relate or not.

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Original poster
katherinez · 18/06/2007 09:28

thanks dior

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Ulysees · 18/06/2007 09:29

Probably if one was aggressive or had addictions. If there was a major problem that needed addressing first they'd suggest that before you were ready to concentrate on the relationship.

lou33 · 18/06/2007 09:30

that wont happen, they wont make a decision for you, all they will do is make you think about what way you want to go, but they most certainly will not tell you what to do

counselling is about talking and coming to a decision off your own back

Original poster
katherinez · 18/06/2007 09:33

No particular problems there. He just isnt really interested in trying at the mo so im worried they will say that hes not in the right frame of mind to try counselling. Just dont know really.

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Ulysees · 18/06/2007 09:35

No if he's willing to go to the appointment at all then I think that's a good sign. He may just be dragging his feet as he's shy, embarrased about opening up stuff etc...many reasons. Getting a man to go is the hard part.

lou33 · 18/06/2007 09:40

i asked mine to go for 2 years, but he kept saying no, until someone else suggested it and he thought it was a great idea

was too late by then tho

Original poster
katherinez · 18/06/2007 09:44

I know. I need to remember that. Hes still here and has said he will go to the assessment so that is a good sign I suppose. My worry is that he is feeling so guilty that he is hoping to shift the responsibilty off himself and on to the counsellor as a way of making the break up easier on him. (sorry, I know i am going on a bit!) I guess I wont know til we get there. heres hoping. I should give him the benifit of the doubt really.

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Ulysees · 18/06/2007 09:44

Yes lou kept asking mine to go for sex therapy but he said we didn't need it. Fact is he didn't have a problem, he was quite happy to do without!!

Anyway, new bf is the opposite thank goodness.

Original poster
katherinez · 18/06/2007 09:45

How do you know if its too late lou? (sorry if thats too personal)

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Ulysees · 18/06/2007 09:45

Good luck to him then katherinez as they don't do eons of training to fall for that one.

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Just try to relax and go with the flow.

lou33 · 18/06/2007 09:51

i just had enough, we all have our breaking points

i started thinking that anything had to be better than how i had been living, and actually started dreaming about just myself and the kids living together

i still gave it a go tho, i didnt want to throw away so many years with 4 kids without being totally sure, but it just made me realise that separating was what i wanted

i see it as a good thing tho, as it made us both sit and look at what we wanted

lou33 · 18/06/2007 09:52

yes no way will the counsellor let your h offload the responsibility of any decisions onto him/her

Original poster
katherinez · 18/06/2007 09:54

Your right ulysees. Will try to chill. I guess i just have to accept that I can only do my bit. And if i do that i will have my own peace of mind. What he does is down to him. Can a counsellor give him a large kick up the backside though?

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Ulysees · 18/06/2007 09:58

No but they may accidentally trip him down the stairs if you bung him/her a few quid

You can only do so much and then at least if you decide it's over you've tried. I tried for years but dh was oblivious. now we get on well and are still good friends. Had a few little niggles but that was just about money but back on track now.

Original poster
katherinez · 18/06/2007 09:59

Im glad that you see it that way lou. I guess whatever happens we couldnt have carried on the way we were. I know he has reached his breaking point. I just hope he can find the courage to give it another shot. I really believe we can move on together from this.

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Original poster
katherinez · 18/06/2007 10:00

Might have to try that ulysees. I guess either way there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just cant see it at the mo.

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Anniegetyourgun · 19/06/2007 14:03

Do be prepared to face a few uncomfortable truths about yourself too. It's amazing what you can find out about yourself as well as your partner, and your reactions to each other. However it is not their job to find fault or to judge either of you. Nor is it their job to mend your marriage as such - a mistake my STBXH made, really irritating the counsellor in the process! As far as I was concerned we were there to learn to talk to each other so we could handle our separation amicably. The poor woman didn't stand a chance of making us talk to each other like rational human beings.

Mind you not all counsellors are as good as any other, or have a style that suits you. If you are really uncomfortable with the one you're allocated, be prepared to ask for someone else before you give up on the whole process.

Original poster
katherinez · 19/06/2007 15:05

Thanks Annie thats good advice.

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