If you ask say to your husband “I know you I’ve had an affair”

[Chouxalacreme]

And he says “when?”
Does this amount to an admission ? I mean it’s not like he said oh no darling I never ever have, I wouldn’t do that to you I love you I’ve been faithful
Need to somehow get this information out of him as it’s bothering me
So I asked him straight in bed one night , I said that I know ( I don’t but pretty sure for no other reason than instinct )
Yay or nay what do you think

Did he say it in an incredulous tone? Or a defensive one? The way it was said should make it clear

It was quite a flat when, he seemed a bit hesitant about what was coming next and what I knew . But I had nothing. Not defensive or shocked in the slightest

so you didn't tell him you think it was 4 years ago with a coworker?

I he did , are you wanting to leave him?

I don't understand why you have not spoken to him about it in 4 years but are worrying about it now?

If someone said to me, ‘I know you’ve had an affair’, I’d say, ‘when?’
If they said, ‘I know you’re having an affair’, I’d respond ‘who with?’
The past tense/ present tense would affect my response I think.
But ‘when would I have the time?’ would come up at some point in the discussion!!
Am I making any sense?!

Maybe, but it might mean 'when on earth would I have had time to do that?'

Although the going to sleep is odd, unless you've accused him often and he's bored of it.

None of us can know of your DH had an affair. What matters is what you want to do. Do you want to leave him?

I think you need to talk to him about it properly. See how he reacts when you brig it all out in front of him. Ask why he constantly went on about this women and then all of a sudden stopped. What's changed?

Tell him she's contacted you and spilled the beans, you want to k ow his side of the story!

I’ve just imagined if DH asked me that question and my response would be ‘When?’ and I’ve never had an affair.

I think my response would be "When?" too. Closely followed by, "Chance would be a fine thing!"

Hmm. This is based on nothing more than you "just knowing". There's no actual evidence, beyond the fact that he mentioned a colleague quite a bit, a few years ago. That's pretty thin.

My ex wife used to constantly accuse me of having affairs, or wanting to have affairs. I never did. I never would have. But she "just knew". It was nothing to do with me or what I was doing. It was all about her paranoia and insecurity. She suffered from some mental health issues, and this was one of the effects of that - she was projecting her fears onto me, with no rational basis for doing so. Nothing I could say would ever persuade her otherwise. She "just knew".

And that's part of why she's now my ex wife.