If you ask say to your husband “I know you I’ve had an affair”

[Chouxalacreme]

And he says “when?”
Does this amount to an admission ? I mean it’s not like he said oh no darling I never ever have, I wouldn’t do that to you I love you I’ve been faithful
Need to somehow get this information out of him as it’s bothering me
So I asked him straight in bed one night , I said that I know ( I don’t but pretty sure for no other reason than instinct )
Yay or nay what do you think

Yeah another here where my DP would look confused and ask when ? Partly because he us always here,at work or picking up the kids

Possibly because he was a little confused and worried he may have done it and missed it (he's a little odd my DP) but I suppose it's how it was said ....if my DP said it aggressively or defensively I would instantly suspect him but I suspect he would look confused

Do you know he has ? Or did you say it as a test?

Sorry your title makes no sense. What are you trying to ask?

Thanks all, interesting to see others perspectives

I said four years ago and he’s said nothing in return

At the time he had severe mentionitis about some new colleague and has barely mentioned her since . They still work together . I don’t know it’s jist a hunch. Also I asked him at the time ( baby a few weeks old ) and he looked really guilty and I mean really but there wasn’t anything I could do about it at the time

We shall see i suppose

He wonders which one you know about

That’s my thought jung

I’m surprised you let it go! That’s a bit more info to go on OP - better to give us that information upfront otherwise it’s a drip feed.

But did he say anything g else. Did you say anything else. Or what it just 2 sentences

I would say “when” too. Completely normal response.

i'd interpret it as 'when would I have time for it' tbh

That was exactly what I thought

If dh said that to me, I'd say, whaaaaat? Not when? I think combined with your second comment that it's very idd he hasn't denied it more or talked about it. I'd be asking, why do you think that? And then explaining why that wasn't an affair eg. You mentioned her a lot, now you don't. And he replied, we were working more closely, she was new blah blah. Did he try and convince you he hadn't had an affair? What exactly did he respond after when?

He was very quiet he didn’t respect old further and I just reiterated “I know”
Then he fell asleep !

The conversation will need to be had I strongly feel but I’m not in a strong position as I have no proof and as someone said up thread I could just be mental

*sAy anything further ...”

He just fell asleep!
Well I have to say, I would say “when” but I sure as fuck wouldn’t fall asleep

You'll drive yourself crazy if you are trying to find out this way. People react so differently - if it was easy we'd all know when someone was lying but we don't. Body language and reactions are so hard to read.
Have a proper honest conversation with him, look at other ways of finding out or try to put it out of your mind. It's awful to feel this way but until you have solid evidence you could just be making yourself ill over it.

I have put it out of my mind it’s been four years . So now I can’t tell if I’m ill and paranoid or justified . But deep down I know . I think . But there’s nothing I can do

But you haven’t put it out of your mind though..... otherwise you wouldn’t ask.

To be honest I’m in a similar position. No proof and at the time I was too exhausted and tired with a non sleeping baby and toddler to properly investigate. But the clues were there, albeit circumstantial

I wouldn’t ask now as he would just deny it. I kind of have to let it go but not sure I can!

Well there are lots of things you can do. You don’t have to have proof to not be with someone anymore if you don’t want to be.

You don’t have to have proof to not be with someone anymore if you don’t want to be.

This. I tied myself in knots trying to find proof of my ex’s affairs. I knew, but there was just enough doubt to keep me hanging on. It was such a relief when I finally left!

I think that’s probably what I would say as well! When?! As in, when the hell would I have time for that?!

I would say when as well.

And to be honest if this was a conversation we had, had before. I would probably go to sleep as well. What else can you say if your partner keeps saying you had an affair and you didn't?

My response when we joke about affairs is "when could I possibly" it's not how or why, but when lol!!!! I often say to my husband (military community seem to hear about it a lot) I don't know how they find the time lol.

How do you know it’s not ongoing?

When my FIL asked my MIL if she was having an affair her reaction was ‘When?’...as in ‘when would I have time?’

It transpired that (as) she hadn’t denied it with a categorical ‘no’ she’d actually been having one for 4 years.

Do you accuse him quite often?

Not for four years which is either good or bad depending how you look at it
We have had too much else going on