He cancelled & rescheduled date when *I* reached out, thoughts?

[RubyN]

I've been seeing a guy who has been very consistent for a month. He contacts me lots and tells me he likes me a lot...we had a date scheduled for today (which I made a reservation for, as its a special venue you have to book in advance) but I haven't heard from him for a couple of days. I knew he was feeling ill, but still think he could shoot a text or quick call.

So I contact him 5 hours before the date and says he is really sorry but do I mind if we reschedule for tomorrow at the same time because he is still feeling unwell? I say yes...but somehow it doesn't sit right with me that I had to reach out first and I feel a bit annoyed. Is it justified?

I wonder why he's still a virgin at 24?. Nothing wrong with that at all but maybe explains his lack of "acceptable" relationship behaviour as he's got little or no experience of relationships?

I think I felt the same for about a day after we spent time together as it was intense and I thought 'damn this is becoming sort of serious'. Then that feeling passed and I remembered how much I liked him again and calmed down.

Maybe similar is happening with him? Especially as I've said I'm not 100% sure about continuing long term if he moves. Hard to say!

I agree PerverseConverse. He's decent looking too, but he has some issues with anxiety which I am trying to be understanding about. Its not super obvious but I do notice it.

He is very emotionally intelligent and has several qualities a woman would look for I think. So it did strike me as surprising.

You've only been seeing each other a month.
He knew full well a date was planned/booked but didn't bother letting you know he was backing out until YOU called him 5 hours before you were supposed to meet!!
Sexually he has 'issues'.

Doesn't sound like much fun to me.

Poor bloke is lying there ill, trying to work out if he'll be coughing his guts up on your date, not texting to cancel in case you think he isn't keen, hoping it'll all go away while he's sleeping in front of the tv.

Then you remind him of the date, he's left it too late to tell you but still wants to see you.

He arranges for the next day, hoping he's not still hacking into a toilet roll.

Seriously, he could just be ill. And very worried you'll want his booty again.

Is he going to be well for Friday's date?
I do hope you didn't rebook and, definitely, wait for him to get in contact. Don't chase him.

sounds like he's nervous about sex (after the firts rime issues), on top of your convo about being unsure about the LDR, on top of being ill - in these circs he's actually very keen if he reschedule for next day.

He prob would have turned up if you haven't called but as you did he wanted to check with if you'd be ok to postpone the date, so at least he feels more fit - especially if you were planning to be imtimate again.

"after the first time issues" duh!

Sex issues, anxiety issues, keeps you hanging and makes you chase him (ill or not that's rude, he could have text to say he was unwell but would let you know later if he was still ok for the date). He's not emotionally intelligent otherwise he wouldn't have done that knowing how it would make you feel. He's got the potential job as an escape route. It's one month in and all this doubt and worry? Bin him. Nothing should be this hard work so early on. Raise your bar and don't settle for such a poor relationship.

Christ I feel sorry for the poor guy, he sounds quite sweet to me!
Hope the date goes well OP (also if you do ask 'so what would you have done if I hadn't texted' I'd do that in a v. lighthearted teasing way, if at all, tricky to avoid it sounding as if you don't trust him at all)

The poor bloke is ill, give him a break. When I'm seriously poorly texting/contacting people is the last thing I'm thinking about.

Maybe I'm really naive but I don't see any more to this than he's feeling unwell, really likes you and wants to see you so put off cancelling in the hopes he might feel better. You messaged him and that prompted him to make a decision. He's only rescheduled for the next night, not joined the foreign legion!

The date happened and wow, now I understand!

So he does look a little sick/pale & he tells me he was not going to blow me off, but was waiting another hour in the hopes he would feel better. Sounds plausible. However, he mentions that he doesn't feel ready to be in a relationship and would prefer something more casual right now (remember he is a virgin also and was very nervous in bed first time). He asks how I feel about what he's said and I tell him what I'm hearing is 'I like you a little, but I'm really not that interested overall.' He said 'that's really not it. I like you a lot. This is about me.' He then tells me he is in therapy trying to figure out what happened during a period in his childhood. This was a super sad moment because I think he was hinting about sexual abuse. I felt very upset when spoke about this and I felt bad for him. He also said he's only ever been in a short relationship with a woman he really liked/who hurt him.

'So, basically, in conclusion...I'm saying I like you but can we take things slowly?'. It was all a little confusing because it is blatantly clear he likes me a lot and the last time a guy pulled this line I could see he was just out for easy sex. I think this guy is a decent person and struggling with some serious issues.

After a few hours he introduced me to some of his friends and acted very couply all night - I feel very happy when we're together. The truth is I don't want to take on a truckload of issues but I also value this guy a lot as a person. We were actually friends before dating & he is very supportive of me. Any thoughts welcome anyway...

Well. He's being pretty honest really. So it depends on what you think/want from it. He sounds like he really isn't in a good place for a relationship- he has issues, he isn't sure whether he's going to be working away for six months etc. (although not sure why he mentioned he saw a possible ltr if things carried on the way they were). It depends if you want to give up the time and take the chance that he might get himself together. Otherwise, if you don't want to go through the stress of it all going nowhere, it may be a sensible idea to walk away now and leave him to it.

I think the reason he said that Honeyroar is because things have been going well between us & clearly developing. He basically admitted he is afraid of getting in deeper...and I think he is afraid of what that will mean for his job opp etc. I am certainly not going to beg him to stay!

I'm not sure what I think yet because when he said I'm not sure I can do a relationship I realised I'm not sure I can either. I've been broke up from the cheating ex for 7 months but am still getting myself back together. All I know is that when we are together we are very happy. But i also said if we were intimate again I'd have to think about things because women are more prone to bonding/attachment. So while I am definitely open to continue dating, I would really require sexual exclusivity if we went down that route.

@RubyN

Sounds suspicious - he just got ‘ill’? But will be ok 24 hours later?

I think you should perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt and go on the date but monitor what he eats and drinks to get to the bottom of this riddle

FYI - I don’t think in the current climate we should be using phrases like ‘shoot him a text’ - maybe it’s just me being a little sensitive but the rhetoric and language used these days is horribly divisive. Writing this I find it is likely me being sensitive to such things but I do despair sometimes when I see the aggressive nature with which people converse

I know what you mean. Be careful though. When I was still fragile after my cheating ex I found getting into not quite right "relationships" left me feeling worse in the long run.

Honeyroar, this is why I told him I will need to think about what he has said. And that I require sexual exclusivity.

At the moment I feel happy being with him when we are together/not upset about what he has said. It seems to fit with my life right now. But I have told him I will be keeping an eye on how I feel and putting myself first.

Neither of you are ready for a relationship. He sounds immature and has clearly said he doesn't know what he wants. He's just messing with your head with all this I don't know stuff. Stop wasting your time with him, take time to work on yourself and rebuild your confidence after being cheated on then look for someone who is better matched to you in terms of what you want from a relationship, life goals, interests etc. He seems to be playing the innocent pity me, I'm so confused, please help me and look after me game. You do that, you fall in love with him and then he'll decide that he definitely meant he wasn't ready for a relationship, he DID tell you that and can't understand how you've got hurt but there you'll be, broken hearted and resentful that he's led you on. It's a very familiar and sad tale for lots of women. You can't fix him, you need to concentrate on yourself and don't settle for scraps of a relationship because you think that's all you'll get.

He sounds like he’s trying. I would just forget about the last week as ill is ill. My dh never gets ill and might assume before knowing me that I was blowing him off if I said I didn’t feel well and had forgotten to cancel something, but I’d have forgotten because I felt very unwell.

It’s up to you if you want to work through his issues but it sounds worth a try. Of course he’s unsure about a Feb job op. I agree re needing sexual exclusivity but doesn’t sound like a big issue!

After your recent update, why on earth are you bothering?

He told you he doesnt want a proper relationship with you.
He has anxiety issues
He has sexual issues.

This is a truck load of baggage after 1 MONTH, but you are focusing on him saying he likes you?! So what?

This is a complete waste of your time,op.

Ffs op he is playing you! The lines are not even original. Its like reading joey tribiani’s script from the 90s!

You are a casual convienient option to him. He has let you down really early on. What the hell would you look at all of this and think this is a good idea?!

He's no Joey Tribbiani. He clearly has real issues and is nervous about his virgin status.

PerverseConverse you are probably right that I am not quite ready for a relationship yet and I am going to heed your comments. But I have to say that the time we have spent together has helped me massively so far: spending time with him has rebuilt my confidence, it has helped me refocus my goals & become more productive (we have a similar hobby) & being together feels great. I always enjoy the dates a lot and I am in no rush to leap into another RL after the last one. I feel I'm in a healthy place in general.

Now maybe it's the case that I'll have to enjoy those times for what they have been and observe that I can't ignore the baggage/we may be better as friends.

Anyway though agree about focusing on myself. I'm going to make a big effort to do that this week.