Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He cancelled & rescheduled date when *I* reached out, thoughts?

75 replies

RubyN · 01/11/2018 13:32

I've been seeing a guy who has been very consistent for a month. He contacts me lots and tells me he likes me a lot...we had a date scheduled for today (which I made a reservation for, as its a special venue you have to book in advance) but I haven't heard from him for a couple of days. I knew he was feeling ill, but still think he could shoot a text or quick call.

So I contact him 5 hours before the date and says he is really sorry but do I mind if we reschedule for tomorrow at the same time because he is still feeling unwell? I say yes...but somehow it doesn't sit right with me that I had to reach out first and I feel a bit annoyed. Is it justified?

OP posts:
Renarde1975 · 01/11/2018 20:27

Oh dear. Then the trap was baited.

Going back to your OP, what do you define as 'lots of messages' because that's an utterly subjective thing.

Original poster
RubyN · 01/11/2018 20:29

I mean daily contact, a few times a day since we met.

To be honest this guy is fairly shy and a little nervous. As much as I don't know him very well yet I find it hard to imagine him being manipulative and not calling on purpose etc. Earlier in the week he said he was having trouble sleeping and had a horrible fever which makes the illness thing potentially legit.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 01/11/2018 20:35

Id see what happens tomorrow.

Honeyroar · 01/11/2018 20:40

If he really does have a fever and hasn't slept he may even end up cancelling again tomorrow- and at least you won't catch it!

WhatsGoingOnEh · 01/11/2018 20:42

Stop talking about your ex when you're with a new guy!

JungDisciple · 01/11/2018 20:43

I'd take him at his word that he was sick for now but if you get any sense on the date that he wasn't sick last night but out somewhere else I'd be annoyed, to be lied to, relegated... But you've no way of knowing for certain. People do get sick!

I also do that thing sometimes where I am HOPING I'll ave a miraculous recovery and won't need to cancel.

Original poster
RubyN · 01/11/2018 20:45

WhatsGoingOnEh - I didn't volunteer info about the ex. He asked for the story and I thought maybe it would be good to be vulnerable as he had had been with me about things in his life. But now I don't know.

If he cancels again, I will express sympathy/good wishes but also gently suggest that perhaps he isn't that interested and if so we can call it a day...but give him a chance to say otherwise. At least then I will know!

OP posts:
DarklyDreamingDexter · 01/11/2018 20:46

I'm feeling ill at the moment (bad cold, boo hoo) and held off cancelling my attendance at a regular social event which I enjoy because I was hoping to feel better. I suggest he might have done the same, not wanting to call it until he was sure he wasn't fit to make it. I'm also not firing on all cylinders so have forgotten a couple of things today that I wouldn't normally, so my advice is to cut him some slack of this occasion.

Renarde1975 · 01/11/2018 20:56

Intriguing comment Whatsgoingoneh. The OP was asked a direct question. It's normal behaviour to respond openly and honestly.

But to my mind...he was fishing. The fact that OP has had a rough time is v telling. He just wanted the details.

Renarde1975 · 01/11/2018 20:58

Ruby my prediction is, he'll come on even stronger tomorrow.

Polkasq · 01/11/2018 21:00

Ask him directly "What would you have done if I hadn't got in touch?"

Original poster
RubyN · 01/11/2018 21:05

Polkasq that is EXACTLY what I am going to ask him should the date go ahead. Sometimes, in the early dates, men see my sweet side and think that's how I'll always be. But like with my last ex we'd been dating a couple months when he SO late and after I made it very clear how disrespected I felt/wouldn't put up with it. He never did it again.

Renarde, what makes you say that? If you think it's because he's sexually motivated, I assure he's feeling nervous when it comes to that due to inexperience.

OP posts:
yourfamousblueraincoat · 01/11/2018 21:12

I think if he was backing off then he wouldn’t have asked to reschedule as soon as tomorrow. He’d just have kept it vague like “I’ll contact you when I’m better”....

Renarde1975 · 01/11/2018 21:15

Oh that you've been tested? Because you said the comms were very frequent. He's never done it before but yet it's pinged you enough to come on here.

Coupled with the moving abroad comment AND you run in the same circles with friends.

As to sex thing. No doubt he was nervous. He wanted to impress. He needed to but...err...he didn't hit the mark.

Do you sense a streak of 'victim's about him?

Original poster
RubyN · 01/11/2018 21:19

That he considers himself to be a victim? Not beyond complaining about being sick with a cold multiple times this week. Wink What are you getting at in any case?

I think yourfamousblueraincoat is right really. I also suggested we leave things for the moment (giving him an out) but that only prompted him to suggest a new time. I guess we'll see!

OP posts:
Renarde1975 · 01/11/2018 21:29

Look. I could be wrong. There isn't enough information yet. It could all be true...being ill etc. But the fact you have asked for info suggests you are concerned. I'm always for following your gut because in your instance, these feelings don't cone out of nowhere.

I had a therapist once (goddamn awful in most instances...couldn't get a word in edgewise!) That said, always look to the very beginning of a relationship.

BlueDip · 01/11/2018 21:37

When is he leaving OP? I only ask as it’s possible he likes you but has decided he doesn’t like you enough for a ltr

Original poster
RubyN · 01/11/2018 21:47

Not sure yet. He originally said moving round Feb time but the date isn't confirmed so far.

So what basically happened was - I said I was a little cautious about getting too close due to his moving, especially as there may be opportunities to stay where he goes. I asked how he would feel about having a short term relationship (that ended when he left) and he said he wasn't sure how he'd feel about that as he really likes me. Then, about 5 mins later he said he would understand 'but lets cross that bridge when we come to it.' I have done LDR before & the guy met someone else and left me so I'm cautious.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 01/11/2018 21:56

Is he definitely single? What does his facebook page say?

PerverseConverse · 01/11/2018 22:08

Listen to your gut. On the surface it's rude and disrespectful to not let you know until you ask and I agree he might have been holding out until later to see if he felt better. But your gut is talking to you so you need to listen to it. It's picked up on something that's not quite right with the relationship and is trying to get you to identify what that is. To be honest I'd be giving this one a wide berth but it friends what you want. From what you've said you seem to be letting him make the decisions on where the relationship goes eg short term and ends when he goes or LTR. Personally neither would be what I'd want but what do YOU want. Put yourself first.

How old are you both?
Do you have children?
What are your plans for the next year or so with work, family, friends? How does he fit into all that?

Don't work your needs around his wants. Put yourself first.

Is he off work ill do you know? Or just not well but still functioning? I am thinking he's not being honest considering he's rearranged for the next night. I've never been able to say with any certainty when I'll be well enough for normal service to resume unless I'm almost back up to full health. In which case I wouldn't be cancelling a hot date! I think he knows his girlfriends out of the way tomorrow. I'm a dreadful cynic I know, sorry.

Performance issues could be nerves. Could be because he's not single and guilt got the better of him. Impossible to know.

I'd also be concerned at the getting you to open up about past relationships. It's a common tactic amongst abusive men to get you to open up, be horrified as to how anyone could treat you like that, play the rescuer, then abuse you themselves once you have started to think they are the bees knees.

Be careful, and listen to your gut.

BlueDip · 01/11/2018 22:16

peverse i’d never spotted that link between a certain type of man who tries to get you open up about past relationships and abuse! You’re right. The guy I knew was downright nosey about it then would be sooo indignant. Thank you

BlueDip · 01/11/2018 22:18

I think he’s got the wobbles about the whole thing but wants to keep an oar in too

Original poster
RubyN · 01/11/2018 22:20

He doesn't have a girlfriend. As I said, we share a friend group and I'm like 98% sure he does not have a girl hiding somewhere. He is also a virgin, like I said.

Obviously my gut alarm has went off somewhat and I should listen to it. Either he rescheduled immediately because he really does want to see me OR

I will be mindful of how much I open up until I see where things are going/how they develop. Well I feel I did assert a boundary by saying sorry but I don't know that I could do LDR if he decides to stay and he accepted it.

I am 27 and he is 24. Neither of us have children and I am still figuring things out in terms of work over the next year. We've been discussing it some, but not in too much detail yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyN · 01/11/2018 22:22

Well this is what my gut says BlueDip (that he has the 'wobbles', rather than a secret gf hiding out). When we are together I feel he is smitten and engaged and likes me a lot. I think he might be getting freaked out about getting in too deep but I don't really know.

OP posts:
BlueDip · 01/11/2018 22:28

I think there is a name for people who go too fast too soon then freak themselves out. It really is common

Swipe left for the next trending thread