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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do not know my own mind any more

26 replies

Chocolateflake · 01/11/2018 10:52

Hi...I am writing this partly to sort my thoughts out. Blazing row last night started as I had left a few things draining by the sink and work surfaces were not entirely clean.

Had been out trick or treating with DS 10, then cooked dinner, loaded and emptied dishwasher. Then sat down.

So....it was eff this and eff that, followed by all you think about is effing food, that's why you are so effing fat. (Am in my 55s and only just in healthy BMI, so could do with loosing a few pounds).

Slept in spare room and asked for an apology for language this morning. No.
Then I can here DS being spoken to, and DP comes back down and says "DS would rather live with me" 😯

He's just gone out, after asking me if I want him to leave. I said no. It just all seems so complicated.

I did think of telling school as I'm worried about how he involves DS so much, always wanting him to take sides. He's quite a sensitive soul.

DP has gone from saying he will take DS, to saying he will leave and have no contact til he is 18! Has told DS both scenarios, it must be so confusing for him.

No support network here, so feel a bit lost Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolateflake · 01/11/2018 10:53

Hear not here!

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ZackPizzazz · 01/11/2018 10:55

He's horrible. I think you need to get away from him. Whats stopping you doing that right now?

This is terrible for your DS too.

Original poster
Chocolateflake · 01/11/2018 11:01

I don't know what is stopping me. Been together 13 odd years, he has always had a nasty side. But now I seem to have lost all confidence.

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Original poster
Chocolateflake · 01/11/2018 11:02

We've recently returned from overseas, partly because I feel on safer ground here.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/11/2018 11:02

Blazing row last night started as I had left a few things draining by the sink and work surfaces were not entirely clean

Had been out trick or treating with DS 10, then cooked dinner, loaded and emptied dishwasher.

Any reason why your horrible-sounding husband didn't chip in or help with any of this? Or does he sit there and expect you to do everything?

Your poor DS must be really stressed and confused. It's not fair to get him so involved in his parents' relationship issues. Massively unfair.

He's just gone out, after asking me if I want him to leave. I said no.

Next time, please say yes.

ZackPizzazz · 01/11/2018 11:06

he has always had a nasty side. But now I seem to have lost all confidence

Unfortunately that's what living with someone with a "nasty side" does. It's the main payoff for them. It breaks you down until you think you can't do without them.

Practicalities first. Are you married? Whose house is it? Owned or rented? Do you work?

Original poster
Chocolateflake · 01/11/2018 11:40

I just don't know why I couldn't say yes.

I know he feels very unloved, but it's a reaction to how he speaks to me.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/11/2018 11:42

I know he feels very unloved

Hang on a minute. He speaks to you like a piece of shit, and you're worried about how he feels? How do YOU feel?

He has chipped away at you so much you're totally minimising how vile his behaviour is. He should not be speaking to you like this, plain and simple.

Original poster
Chocolateflake · 01/11/2018 11:42

I think it's because I'm worried he will fight for custody of DS ( who would probably say he wants to go with his dad, because he wants to please his dad all the time)

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Original poster
Chocolateflake · 01/11/2018 11:44

I just know that if we split, he will be all or nothing. He could very well cut off all ties with DS (as he says it would be too painful other wise)

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/11/2018 11:54

You're doing the self same; wanting to please this man all the time. He is your common or garden abusive man and thus a total arsehole.

Saying such like this (all this about he is going to take your son) is designed to hurt so is deliberate in intent. He wants to punish you and in turn your son for having the gall to leave him. Also he is being bloody nasty here directly involving your son in all this. Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing your son, that yes this is how men do treat women and for he to do the same?.

Womens Aid are well worth contacting here and they can help you as well. 0808 2000 247 is their number.

Original poster
Chocolateflake · 01/11/2018 12:00

One of my main worries is the impact on his future relationships. He knows it's not nice to shout.
I do have a bit of an Internet addiction though. But mainly due to boredom and loneliness

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YelenaSabra · 01/11/2018 12:06

It sounds like he is bullying you to get you to stay. You shouldn't have to bend yourself into a pretzel so that he won't walk out of his child's life. That is totally on him if he wants to be so petty and cruel. Please put yourself and your child first. If he won't see his child because you will no longer let him be abusive to you, the onus is on HIM, not you Flowers

Skarlet2018 · 01/11/2018 12:07

I firmly believe that many women are not aware of the real risk of parental alienation with men like this. This is straight out of the alienaters handbook and it is severely abusive to your ds.

Original poster
Chocolateflake · 01/11/2018 12:41

I know from history that he is quite capable of just cutting himself off from people. It would break DS heart not to see his dad again 😕

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Original poster
Chocolateflake · 01/11/2018 12:42

I just wish I had a friend to talk to, I feel so isolated.

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Original poster
Chocolateflake · 01/11/2018 12:47

@Skarlet2018
Just read up on parental alienation and it sent shivers down my spine

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AgentJohnson · 01/11/2018 12:51

This can not go on! Your son is being terribly let down by your partner’s abuse and your ineffectiveness. You have choices that your son doesn’t have and not making them is a choice, the better the devil you know I.e the status quo is hurting your son and sowing the seeds to a very uncertain adult relationship with himself and others.

There is always risk in change but always the possibility of better.

Original poster
Chocolateflake · 01/11/2018 12:55

@AgentJohnson
I will try to be stronger

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MrsTerryPratchett · 01/11/2018 12:56

He feels unloved because he's unlovable.

Every year the effect on you and DS is worse. You're back from overseas, now is the time. Plan for a split.

Skarlet2018 · 01/11/2018 13:00

Him deciding not to see your son anymore would be ideal. He is actively trying to turn your son against you and will succeed if you don't intervene. Once alienation is successful it is not something a quick chat will resolve. Lundy Bancroft talks about this in his book why does he do that.

I really think you need support from women's aid, your husband sounds disordered.

Cawfee · 01/11/2018 13:14

You can talk to us. Why don’t you calmly suggest he finds somewhere else to live as living with you obviously isn’t making him happy. Say when you’ve gone then we can co-parent and share DS and all of us try and get on as best friends. Try the softly approach to start to get him gone. Then once you’ve got some space you can work out where to go from there.

Original poster
Chocolateflake · 01/11/2018 13:18

Trying WomensAid but they're busy....do you think it'd appropriate to mention to school,just in case they notice DS is a bit preoccupied?

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Skarlet2018 · 02/11/2018 12:33

Did you manage to get through op?

Original poster
Chocolateflake · 02/11/2018 16:21

@Skarlet2018
No luck, I will leave til after the weekend. I read a few snippets from Lundy Bancroft book, some strong similarities 😕
Tiptoeing round, trying to do everything right.....all is calm now. But then I suppose that is how it goes...

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