How do you move on

[Alonealone]

So long story short.
Married for 8 years when husband walks out.
12 weeks later meets someone else they are together for 6 months before I find out and he decides he loves me and wants to come back.
Cue a year of him going backwards and forwards between the two of us. (Without my knowledge that the other women was still in the picture.
Eventually I find out that even during marriage counselling where he played the role of the hard done by husband he is still sleeping with this woman.
Like an idiot I still take him back for the sake of our child only for him to wake up the morning after we had sex, the day after dcs 7th birthday and tell me he doesn't love me, packs his bag and goes.
Our child is devastated and I'm wondering how I'm going to manage on my own with no friends , family or support and rolling down the wrong side of 40. Without him Im clmpletely alone. How do people do it. How do you do christmas alone with dc? I hate where Iive, I hate my job . My ex was the reason I stayed but now I can't move as it would mean dc won't see him.
I just don't know how to go it alone but I so desperately want to just put this behind me and move on.

First of all, you completely disregard your ex's "needs." He lost the privilege of your concern when he cheated on you. The second thing you need to do is embrace how much life you have to live, and even though you've been through hell, you're so fortunate to not be wasting another minute of your life with that bastard.

It won't be easy, but you will get through it. And you'll come out better off on the other side. Shake off the self pity and get on with it.

If you wanted to leave how far away would you be?
Break it down into tiny little bites.
Don’t let it overwhelm you. Each day at a time.
Small steps.
And you will be ok. I promise! It might not be now, it might not be in six months. But you will absolutely be ok.
You can’t make the pain go away. You have to grieve it. And that can take a lot of time, and change us. I think sometimes we don’t want to change we just either want to go back to what it was or instantly move on. Neither of those are possible now.

I’m sorry this has happened to you as I know whats its like. I was in a similar situation but without a child. It will be painful and its a kind of grief but you have to take it one day at a time to avoid being overwhelmed. You’ll have bad days and better days and you’ll realise that bad days get less! See it as being liberated and perhaps in time you can move somewhere new and get a new job and do things your way! Embrace what you do have rather than what you dont. Focus on your child. I thought I would never get over it and be happy again but I went on to meet someone else and had a child. Good luck

Thank you for the kind words. Been in a real funk about it all. Not so much a case of self pity just a case of how t9 actually pick myself up. I want to move on I want to focus on building a new life I just don't know how to.

Yeah I know that feeling. It’s bloody hard.
Make a list of all the negative things they ever did, all the things that pissed you off about them.
Do things you enjoy, I stopped doing anything I enjoyed because I couldn’t face it. But that made things worse. So try and do one tiny thing per day.

It’s just time really. Not a lot else you can do. I used to get very annoyed with people who said have a Bath or go shopping. When all I wanted to do was not exist.
But you have no choice in living, so you’ve got to just put one foot in front of the other x

At this stage self pity is part of the process in my view.

I've been thinking about this a lot today.

It's not self pity I'm just mad.

He said that he was angry with me all the time over little things and knew it ment he didn't love me. I felt like I was walking on egg shells. My friend today defined what he had been doing as emotional abuse and that I'd conditioned myself to accept it and now can't let him go emotionally.

But I want to!!!@ I want to not miss him not want him here.

Just now the light blew in the kitchen and I'm trying to make dcs dinner In the dark resenting the fact that he isn't here and doesn't have to deal with it.

It's all so overwhelming and frustrating that it is overwhelming.

You can’t force not missing him I’m afraid.
Make the list of all his faults, times he let you down. Was a shit.

It was one of the hardest things I did, but it spilled out once I started.

And you’re coping! You are making dinner, it’s going to be a nice dinner and you’ll have done it in the dark! That’s a positive.
It is so hard, we feel your pain, but you are going to be ok. I promise.

I meant to say that self pity is really hurt and disappointment and you're perfectly entitled to feel it until a glimmer of strength surfaces. It's perfectly natural to feel sorry for yourself, anger, thoughts of revenge.
In time they pass.

Patience was never my strong point.
Right now I want to speak to him.
I hate waking up alone. I hate that He is not here. He has said he feels nothing for me just relief that it's over but that he will always be there for me but he will move on with someone else.. and I hate that. I feel so pointless. Like it would be better if I just wasn't here.
I'm trying to do the no contact thing and am writing on here at 5am instead of call g him.
I

but now I can't move as it would mean dc won't see him.

You can and you should move to be closer to friends and family

Get a new job and start a new life

Unfortunately no family to be close too. The marriage for a number of reasons led to a breakdown there. Same with most friends. The reason to move was financial.

I messed up and called him. Can't even manage to do no contact. I still love him and am finding it so hard to let him go.

He answered half asleep pointless conversation.

He said it was my fault it was over. In my head I know that it takes two but I have this weight in my chest telling me that if only I'd behaved differently I wouldn't be in this mess. Been less of a nag, been more extrovert.
I don't know why I'm posting on here except that it's a way to say how I'm feeling to someone without having to deal with more judgement or feeling like I'm burdening them.

Ah just read what I wrote. So this is Self pity.

OP I'm pretty much like you at times. Been split from my DH for four months now and for some reason this week I'm really struggling without him. I've been texting him (no reply) I miss him so much. I'm not over him not by a long shot.

BUT! I know deep down we can never go back and this feeling isn't as all-consuming as it was say 2 months ago. I have really bad days like this, of wanting him here. I miss his voice, his scent, him. But then I have really good days where I barely think of him at all.

I've thrown myself into various hobbies, doing things I like to do, and find it great that I don't have to answer to anyone else. My two DC are coping well, and I know we will all get through it. Although it's still very raw you will get through this. Just keep remembering why you split and remember the bad things. Remembering good things is nice but I find I romanticise them a bit too much to suit how I'm feeling that day.



A few of us are in the same boat at the moment - maybe we can make a support group.

Start by finding joy in small things. Then begin to revel in your freedom. Cook & eat only things you & your son like, do things that you want, when you want. Then find an interest and spend time doing that. Before you know it, new life!

Good luck, you are truly so much better off without him.

@Alonealone

I absolutely feel your pain, I understand how your feeling , I self pity too and get myself in a state.

I haven't got the answers I'm searching for them too I just wanted you to know that you arnt "alone".

I have thought about getting some counselling, I'm going to book a doctors appointment and be honest with my feelings.

It's crazy someone can have such control over the way we feel, it's time to re gain that back for ourselves.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel x

@Stripeyzigzag maybe a support group is a good idea.
@JW1226 it's reassuring to know I'm not alone with this. I'm also thinking of counselling. Had it after the first separation and found it really helped. but I didn't develop the strength to walk away deciding instead that keeping the family together for dc was the way to go so not sure I will be able to get it again. But yes if you can do it go for it.
StewPots sorry your going through this as well . That feeling of still needing them while knowing it's not healthy to go there is whqt I find frustrating and also so demeaning. Does he ever respond?Does it ever help?

@StewPots

@JW1226 he had done in the past but whether that's because we've been arguing via text or arranging childcare just depends 
I was rather awful the other day and apologised to him in person and we ended up having a hug and a kiss. To say that left me super confused and distraught is an understatement as all I've done is text him to say how much I miss him etc whilst he hasn't replied once.

He's just not interested and deep down I know that's a good thing but I can't get that into my head some days.

PMed you

Sorry meant to tag @Alonealone in that last post! Apologies @JW1226

I also think a support group is a great idea. Somewhere we can support each other as we go through this in real time.

Maybe we could use this thread or set up a yahoo one. At just a group Pm messaging set up?
StewPots that's what I don't understand. The mixed messages the advice about letting go writhing lists doing things for you etc look good on paper but getting to the point of doing them are something else

Would be great to do
Today after handover feel so cut up
Grieving for my family unit