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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Father disowned sister..stuck in the middle

32 replies

Stuckinthemiddlehelp · 31/10/2018 19:49

Dsis has son aged 3. Used to go to df and his wifes one day a week so she could work.
Df and wife have 3 german shepherds, untrained unruly and they do their business in the house. Dsis unhappy with sending son there and told them she was putting him in nursery instead.
Df's wife upset, she offered to have him at Dsis house. Did this for a couple of weeks. My nephew was smelling strongly of dog so Dsis followed df's wife one day. Turns out she was taking him there.
All hell broke loose. Ended up Df told Dsis she was ungrateful and never to speak to him again. Theyve not spoken for 9months.
I clearly believe my father to be in the wrong however have told them both im taking no sides. Df has a history of cutting family out of his life over any arguement.
What i want to ask is, how would you deal with this? I also dont want my ds anywhere near their dogs or house either, how can i tell them this without them disowning me too?

OP posts:
RoboticMary · 31/10/2018 19:51

Well his attitude is appalling. Your sister isn’t in the wrong here. If he’s going to cut folks out of his life over that, I’d let him. His loss.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2018 19:54

He and his wife are completely in the wrong. They lied to your sister and potentially endangered her toddler.

You should take sides. You feel the same about your DC as your sister does about hers. If your dad will cut you off then what’s he bringing to your life? Stick up for your sister!

Urbanbeetler · 31/10/2018 19:56

Yes - stand by your sister- don’t let her take all the flack.

Original poster
Stuckinthemiddlehelp · 31/10/2018 20:02

To be honest that is what i feel, my sister hasnt dont anything wrong. Df is quite difficult to talk to when its something he wont like. When this all kicked off i was about to give birth and avoided the stress but its gone on too long.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 31/10/2018 20:03

I would be taking sides.

Original poster
Stuckinthemiddlehelp · 31/10/2018 20:04

Other family members have got involved bit by bit and im watching my family get torn in two over this. I think father and wife need to apologise and start to build bridges. Its so frustrating

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Original poster
Stuckinthemiddlehelp · 31/10/2018 20:06

Just to add. It may seem like iv waited to long but iv been hoping they will sort it first and i live hundreds of miles away so was out of the loop

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spanishwife · 31/10/2018 20:13

I would 100% be taking my sister's side and making it sure you don't agree with their behaviour. If your father wants to cut out his daughters because he's embarrassed about his own shocking behaviour then he's a horrible man.

Cherries101 · 31/10/2018 20:15

You absolutely should be taking sides here. If you did maybe your df will finally get the message.

Nanny0gg · 31/10/2018 20:28

I don't see how you're stuck in the middle at all - or you shouldn't be.

You should be firmly on your sister's side.

Stop waiting for everyone else and stick up for her.

Knittedfairies · 31/10/2018 20:30

I think it wise not to take sides if you can’t see who is wrong or right in a given situation, but clearly your father and his wife are in the wrong here. Support your sister.

Rebecca36 · 31/10/2018 20:36

I agree with others here, your dad and his wife were in the wrong and you would be wrong not to take sides.

What I don't understand is why they have three untrained, unruly German shepherds who poo in the house? Sure they must know that is not acceptable and the breed are intelligent, not difficult to train. They are beautiful dogs.

Well looks as though grandad and grandma are going to be the losers here unless there are some fundamental changes.

Good luck.

trojanpony · 31/10/2018 21:15

Making no choice is a choice.

I’m 100% your sisters side.

People are different but if my sister sat on the fence it would def damage my relationship with her despite any protestations of not wanting to get involved/neutrality

Original poster
Stuckinthemiddlehelp · 31/10/2018 21:57

Thanks for your advice. Am well and truly on sisters side. Was asked by her not to get involved on her behalf so please stop guilting me over that. Im at a point where i want to step in and was hoping for constructive advice on dealing with this

OP posts:
trojanpony · 31/10/2018 22:00

Ah in that case it may be worth broaching it with your dad and perhaps getting him to think about what he really wants (ie no relationship with his grandchild) and maybe touch on your sisters perspective / emphathising with her POV.

Original poster
Stuckinthemiddlehelp · 31/10/2018 22:12

Do you think focusing on the dog situation as being unhealthy or the fact that they have disrespected my sisters parenting decisions is most likely to actually make them see how wrong it is?

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Original poster
Stuckinthemiddlehelp · 31/10/2018 22:13

I totally agree...the dogs are so not at fault. Its sad really

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 31/10/2018 22:21

I think phrases like “ disrespected my sisters patenting decisions “ will just fan the flames of your fathers anger.
I would just underline how it’s not possible for dog poo and untrained dogs to be around children. And him missing out on being a grandfather.

Original poster
Stuckinthemiddlehelp · 31/10/2018 22:28

Good point..id like to be able to do this without it turning into another massive arguement. (As impossible as that seems roght now ) Hoping he can understand that its not a child safe environment. I know he misses my nephew. Will try and broach this will him tomorrow

OP posts:
Carparkbarker · 31/10/2018 22:37

Similar situation here where my ‘D’F has disowned me after my mother died and he started seeing someone within a few weeks. My brother and I both told him what we thought of the situation but his new woman took particular offence at me and expected my father to cut ties with me over it. So he did. My brother is equally as pissed off about it but stil bothers with my father despite saying to me he has lost all respect for him.
Well, I don’t have a lot of respect for my brother - he should be taking my side and not bothering with my father either but he can’t cut the apron strings. So expect your sister to lose respect for you too unless you stand by her.

springydaff · 31/10/2018 23:18

Some people aren't worth the hassle. If it's not this it'll be something else.

Why aren't you taking sides? I don't think it's fair to leave your sister out to dry. Step up and support her.

OrigamiZoo · 31/10/2018 23:23

Stick up for your sister.

Nobody ever stuck up for me during any family conflict, I wish they had.

Blondebakingmumma · 01/11/2018 00:36

The dog situation does need to be broached. Will DF expect your child to be left with 3 large untrained dogs? No way would my children be in that house

Longtalljosie · 01/11/2018 07:13

If you need to walk on that many eggshells to maintain a relationship with your father, it's not worth it. Concentrate on your relationship with your sister, and tell her if she wants you to tell your father you think he's in the wrong, you'll do it.

Otherwise you risk losing one proper family relationship trying to shore up another which is paper-thin in the first place...

Original poster
Stuckinthemiddlehelp · 01/11/2018 07:33

Sorry to hear that @carparkbarker and @origamizoo its horrible to be shut out by family. And as iv said of course i am on my sisters side.

@longtalljosie good point too, will speak to dsis first anyway. Previously she has said to leave it as hes so 'touchy'. Its horrible, my father wasnt always like this but has become very difficult, bitter and selfish over probably the last decade

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