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Original poster

I think I might accidentally end up two timing

28 replies

squarehead · 17/06/2007 22:04

This might sound a bit weird, and so far it has not yet turned into a great big problem (and hopefully it won't), but it is a potential problem that I'm hoping to get some thoughts on.
I am on an internet dating site. I'm kind of half-heartedly looking. Anyway, I recently read the profiles of two different men, and I sent a message to them both. Nothing much, just suggesting friendly conversation between us. To be honest, I was not expecting any enthusiasm (being as I told on my own profile that I have children, and to a lot of men that is a put off). However, both of them have showed an interest, and both want to see a picture of me and to chat...
So, what do I do? Is it bad dating site etiquette to get to know two men at the same time? Obviously, it is only on a friendship level anyway to begin with, but we all know that it is with a view to more happening if we end up hitting it off.
Should I just pick one, and phase out the other? Should I 'two-time them' anyway, and just hope that I don't fancy them both, and attract them both?
Should I tell them about each other?
Is it a big deal?
I know it sounds ridiculous because in all probability it will not go beyond a few e-mails in either case, but I am just dreading a situation where I get sucked into a web of deceit, and lead one of them on.
Please tell me what to do?
Anyone with experience?

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 17/06/2007 22:06

Don't tell them about each other.
But it's not two-timing.
If you end up engaged to them both, then you need to worry!

EllieK · 17/06/2007 22:06

apparently this is the new way to date
it's all the rage in america, there was an article in a mag i read recently, she went on 5 dates with diff men in a week

NotQuiteCockney · 17/06/2007 22:06

I really wouldn't worry about it. I think you only have to worry about 'fidelity' either a) when the subject is raised (after you've met in person!) or b) when you start sleeping together.

NotQuiteCockney · 17/06/2007 22:07

To be fair, Americans do actually date. Brits don't, from what I know - you just go to the pub, get drunk, and lunge at each other, right?

poppy34 · 17/06/2007 22:08

haven't been on dating site so not sure what etiquette is - I think if you like the idea of both of these profilers why not arrange to meet both.

I wouldnt necessarily go as far as saying "I am seeing x as well as you y" but you could preface your first meeting by saying its a get to know each other and see how it goes type thing. I think it should be pretty obvious after meeting if you want to go ahead - then you can either say something or quietly drop the other person if you think you don't want to carry on with them.

And you're being sensible to think ahead- but I wouldnt worry too much about the implications now. For all you know they may well be emailing others too.

lovemybed · 17/06/2007 22:08

ive never done any of that stuff before but cant see what the problem would be if you were honest from the start. i would hardly call it 2 timing if you were just chatting to the 2 of them. if things start to go further then thats when you will have to decide what to do but for just now just enjoy it.

FioFio · 17/06/2007 22:09

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NotQuiteCockney · 17/06/2007 22:09

No! You think men on dating sites try out emailing more than one woman at a time? Surely not!

NotQuiteCockney · 17/06/2007 22:10

Do they, Fio? Are they teetotal or something?

KristinaM · 17/06/2007 22:10

its only a chat! i woudl talk with them both or indeed as many men as you like the look of. and no, don't discuss them with each other.

the time to worry about "two timing" is when you have met both of them in real life, had several dates and feel that YOU might want to get more involved with one of them

dont think that they wont be emailing or have phone calls or dates with other women coz they will

good luck

FioFio · 17/06/2007 22:10

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Original poster
squarehead · 17/06/2007 22:11

would you not feel guilty? what if they were both very keen and wanted to meet up? I HATE the thought of leading someone on. I couldn't date numerous men.
But on the other hand, if I drop one and then it doesn't work with the other...?
I think if I was forming an e-mail friendship with a man and he told me he was doing the same with another woman, I'd be peeved.
It's a dilemma.
Any more views?

OP posts:
southeastastra · 17/06/2007 22:11

oh i'm wondering about my friend, she went on a lunch date last week with someone she met on yahoo, i hope she got on ok.

she is teetotal (though not english either!)

jules99 · 17/06/2007 22:12

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NotQuiteCockney · 17/06/2007 22:12

I am probably not on the same page as you here, as I once went out with two men for about a year.

Yes, I was honest with them both.

I'm still friends with them both - DH was not one of them.

Seriously, if you've not actually discussed commitment, it's unreasonable to expect, or feel obliged to provide, monogamy.

NotQuiteCockney · 17/06/2007 22:13

To be fair, most of the men I've actually liked, I never bothered properly going out on dates with. Dating is generally what you do while you wait for someone actually decent to come along.

NotQuiteCockney · 17/06/2007 22:14

(I am not British either, I grew up in a 'dating' culture.)

FioFio · 17/06/2007 22:14

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NotQuiteCockney · 17/06/2007 22:15

Hmmm, I don't think I liked leading people on, and I never enjoyed having someone really like me when I was indifferent to them.

southeastastra · 17/06/2007 22:16

in new york dating is taken so seriously isn't it, it seems so calculated

FioFio · 17/06/2007 22:18

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NotQuiteCockney · 17/06/2007 22:20

Sorry, I thought that's what 'prick tease' meant? No offense intended ...

FioFio · 17/06/2007 22:20

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43Today · 17/06/2007 22:48

Hi squarehead I understand your dilemma - did some internet dating myself almost 4 years ago and wasn't quite sure how to play it. In the end I met my now ex-bf and had 3 happy years together so it worked for a while..

Re two-timing; in my opinion, being on the dating site is like being in a pub or club in real life - people spot you or you them, you talk to them, get to know them etc - it's only once you meet them in reality that the issue of 2-timing arises. I went out with 2 0r 3 blokes before I met my bf and unless one or other of us brought up the subject of exclusivity I assumed they were seeing other people, like I was. Once I had realised that I liked my bf better than the others, I told him I was going to stop seeing anyone else, and I expected him to as well.

BigGitDad · 17/06/2007 23:02

Squarehead, a friend of mine was recently internet dating and seeing a girl at a time. I pointed out that the other girls would be in touch with other guys and at some point if they were really interested they would drop the other guys and choose to be with him. Invariably he has since met a lovely girl/lady and they have stopped contacting other people on the dating web site.
I think you are worrying too much, you can have a couple of dates. You are not two timing, they may be doing the same as you and if you think one of them is someone you really fancy then you take it from there. I personally think you are reading too much into it.