Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can’t get over this crush

49 replies

pinklemonade84 · 31/10/2018 15:49

I’ve been with dh for 12 years now, married for 5 and have a 2 year old dd

I’ve developed an absolutely ridiculous crush on the postman. I don’t even know why really, because he’s the total opposite to dh and quite rough around the edges. At the moment he’s nicer to me than dh. He notices little things like when I had my hair cut (dh didn’t even acknowledge). We chat (albeit briefly at the front door). He tells me little thing like today, pointing out he’d had a shave, or the other day saying his mum was staying with him so at least he was getting his work shirts ironed

Dh at the moment leaves the house at 2pm for work and isn’t back until 11.30pm. We don’t seem to communicate anymore. I don’t feel like he finds me attractive anymore (not that I think the postman does). All he seems to want to do is play on his xbox and never has any interest in coming out when I take dd to the park or out for the morning. Even on his days off, he doesn’t want to do anything, other than on a Saturday he will go and spend the afternoon with his Nana so she’s not on her own

I’ve got no intention of acting on this crush, I took my vows seriously when we got married in 2013. But I feel like I’m getting to breaking point with dh and don’t know what to do to help get us back on track because he shows no interest in doing so

OP posts:
WeakAsIAm · 31/10/2018 16:44

Hi op, if I could rewind 12 months this could have been me writing this post. Only swap postman for manager.
So as the cliche goes, we ended up sleeping together, husband found out, told everyone I work with.
Today I have sat crying to some woman I barely know telling her I have no one to talk to. Manager has distanced himself (predictable) work colleagues snigger behind my back, husband having none of my shit, friends bored of me know (self obsession is not a good trait)
I know it's easy for me to say, but stop the fantasy. Sort your marriage out one way or the other.
The fallout is truely not worth the excitement.

Trinity66 · 31/10/2018 16:49

Forget about the Postman and tackle your DH, he sounds like he's being really selfish. Does he ever spend time with his child even? look after her, give you a break, do any housework?

Vitalogy · 31/10/2018 16:53

Being lonely isn't a crime, that's what it is. I haven't got an answer for you OP but just want to say I understand. Best wishes.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 31/10/2018 17:00

@Trinity66 he will occasionally let me sleep in if we’ve had a particularly bad night with dd, as I tend to deal with her more at night because of him not getting home until after 11.00pm

But to be honest, other than that he doesn’t do a lot with her

He’s ok with housework and does the dishes and cooking sometimes. His jobs specifically are the bins and those he does without fail. But, with him working, I do take the majority of the cleaning too, which i kind of see as only fair

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 31/10/2018 17:03

@Vitalogy yes, I think that’s what it is loneliness. And someone is showing me the attention that I’m really craving from dh. And I think I’ve latched onto that, as he really is the total opposite to the type that I usually get attracted to. Even if it’s just actually wanting to spend that time chatting to me that dh doesn’t seem to want to do, however brief it might be Sad

OP posts:
NightOwlHoney · 31/10/2018 17:17

 at the postman. It's not really about the postman though, is it? It's just a sign that there's something missing just now, either in your relationship, or in the way that you feel about yourself. Try to look past the crush and discover what's really needing your attention.

Notacluewhatthisis · 31/10/2018 17:25

I get you are lonely. But that means you and dh need to work on your marriage.

Do you HAVE to speak to your postman? I don't ever speak to mine? How often do you get things to sign for?

Don't chat, don't flirt, don't go to the door.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 31/10/2018 17:25

I’m just so desperate for some attention from dh and that’s probably what’s drawing me in

dh has actually just text me and said that his work are offering overnight overtime tonight, he’s not told me if he’s contemplating it, even though I’ve told him that I need to know whether to expect him home or not

I know the extra money will come in handy with Christmas coming up, but it feels like he doesn’t want to be here with me at all and wants to be away at every opportunity he gets

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 31/10/2018 18:06

@Notacluewhatthisis I guess I started speaking to him because he was the total opposite of the grumpy postmen we’ve had in the past, so it made a nice change to be honest

I often get stuff that’s too big to go through the letterbox, so if I ignored the door it would go back to our sorting office to collect, which is a pain to be honest

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 31/10/2018 18:22

Hi I get what your going through have you asked your dp if he’s happy? It’s hard because the attention is nice but not the answer but I think you need to ask the question also could he be cheating? That’s why your not getting any attention? Feel for you. X

Kittykat93 · 31/10/2018 18:36

You sound sad and lonely op Sad as others have said, forget about the postman, your marriage needs work and your dp needs to put more effort in. I hope things get better for you Thanks

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 31/10/2018 18:50

@Pessimistic dh doesn’t go anywhere other than work or his Nana’s house, so I don’t “think” it could be an affair, but then again you never know. But I’m not going to jump to that conclusion just yet

I just wish dh would talk to me

I moved from my friends in Wales to live near his parents (both of mine have passed away), so that they get to have a relationship with dd. So, I feel really, really isolated to be honest

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 31/10/2018 19:00

He might not but I have worked with both men and women who have had their affair during work time ie nipping out for meetings etc & lunch time u would be surprised at how much they can do in this time but for your sake I hope he’s not but if your going to stay you need more time together as a couple aswell as family time or your life will get even more lonely I know that X

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 31/10/2018 19:05

Sad it’s like he’s not interested in spending time with me. He’ll come in from work and won’t actually come to bed until 1am. I understand he needs to wind down as he’s in front of a computer screen at work, but there’s no interest in watching a film with me, or sitting and having a chat

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 31/10/2018 19:09

I understand that this probably seems so insignificant to some people and that others have much more serious stuff happening, but I’m really feeling so low and I just want someone to be interested in me for a change Sad

OP posts:
saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 31/10/2018 19:23

pinklemonade - I get where you are coming from. I spent years feeling under appreciated by H, his lack of interest in my "chat" - he would literally get up out of the room to "check something" if I started to speak....or say..just a minute, I need the loo. Never told me I was looking good.....genuinely I felt invisible as he was able to complement other women, friends partners etc. Really rubbish at spending time with his own DC but able to play plenty with his friends' DC (something my DC noticed...how come dad never does anything with us but he's playing cards with X's kids).

Please don't do what I did.....took it for more than 15 years but hit the bottle then he was able to leave me because of my "drinking". I wish I had been brave enough to leave years ago.

So have it out with him. He needs to put more effort in.

Pessismistic · 31/10/2018 19:26

Believe me I know what you mean it gets harder especially as your dc gets older and needs you less you will be even lonelier tell him how your feeling otherwise all communication will stop and you will resent him then what? other people have shit going on it doesn’t mean your feelings are not as important they are and this is x

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 31/10/2018 19:52

When I’ve spoken to dh in the past, he’s always turned it into a joke if that makes sense? Apparently he doesn’t do serious

He never compliments me (oh tell a lie he did on our wedding day). Never notices stuff about me, regardless of whether it’s big or small. Doesn’t even seem to want to encourage me to better myself Hmm

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 31/10/2018 20:23

I feel your pain I think you need to tell him to take you serious otherwise one day one of u might just get up and leave you would be more gutted if it was to another woman x

bastardkitty · 31/10/2018 20:27

At the moment he’s nicer to me than dh. He notices little things like when I had my hair cut (dh didn’t even acknowledge) It's not really that much of a mystery then, is it? The postman treats you like a human being and your H doesn't. The postman isn't the answer. Do something about your husband and don't tolerate this cruel treatment.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 31/10/2018 20:48

I’m actually sat here trying to hold back the tears that a bunch of strangers online can actually understand where I’m coming from and can see how much of a shitty situation this is, but my own husband can Sad

but seriously, what a cliche? the postie of all people Hmm

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 31/10/2018 21:24

You would be surprised how many of us suffer this way you are not alone. But only you can decide on your future and happiness. Just a thought what if the postman is being nice to you coz he fancies you but treats his wife like your dh treats you men and women can be nice when they want you but can change easily when they have you if it’s not postman it could be someone else your starved of attention speak up sooner rather than later x

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 31/10/2018 22:33

dh has just had his last break at work and has said he’s put himself down for the overtime

it isn’t tonight, it will probably be Sundays into Mondays, which typically, Monday is the day that dd does a full day at nursery, so he’ll be sleeping in until just before he goes back to work and he’ll be gone by the time she gets home, so it will be 24 full hours that she doesn’t see him for Sad

I’m going to try and talk to him, though I’m expecting it to be turned into a joke or how because his parents don’t show emotion, that’s why he doesn’t

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 31/10/2018 23:10

Has he always been like this? Or has he become this lately? He doesn’t seem a great dad tbh never mind husband he needs to take you seriously or he could lose u both unless u decide to carry on this life lots of us do but for the kids sake what is your dc getting from him tho? I wasn’t shown emotion as a kid but I show it to my dc this is not a reason it’s an excuse what was he like in the early days dating? X

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 31/10/2018 23:50

when he’s around dd, he’s honestly a fantastic father. You wouldn’t think that they spend so much time apart

In the early days he wasn’t much better to be honest. He’d hold my hand in public, but wasn’t keen on anything more than that. When we got together, I’d come out of a relationship where my ex refused to be seen out in public with me, in case it got back to his kids

He’s actually back from work and attempting to talk hasn’t worked. He’s just gone into the whole, let’s make a joke out of it routine Confused

OP posts: