can’t get over this crush

[pinklemonade84]

I’ve been with dh for 12 years now, married for 5 and have a 2 year old dd

I’ve developed an absolutely ridiculous crush on the postman. I don’t even know why really, because he’s the total opposite to dh and quite rough around the edges. At the moment he’s nicer to me than dh. He notices little things like when I had my hair cut (dh didn’t even acknowledge). We chat (albeit briefly at the front door). He tells me little thing like today, pointing out he’d had a shave, or the other day saying his mum was staying with him so at least he was getting his work shirts ironed

Dh at the moment leaves the house at 2pm for work and isn’t back until 11.30pm. We don’t seem to communicate anymore. I don’t feel like he finds me attractive anymore (not that I think the postman does). All he seems to want to do is play on his xbox and never has any interest in coming out when I take dd to the park or out for the morning. Even on his days off, he doesn’t want to do anything, other than on a Saturday he will go and spend the afternoon with his Nana so she’s not on her own

I’ve got no intention of acting on this crush, I took my vows seriously when we got married in 2013. But I feel like I’m getting to breaking point with dh and don’t know what to do to help get us back on track because he shows no interest in doing so

OP, what about writing down in a letter all the things you want to get across to him. If he ignores that then maybe it's ultimatum time.

@Vitalogy that actually might be a good idea, because that way he doesn’t have to try and put on a jokey act to deflect from himself

I’ve had about 3 hours sleep
dd decided she wanted to get up at 1.30, by 2.30 she was settled again and then she came through to us at 5.30 and dh put her in with me and went downstairs
I’ve actually been awake since then and even had time for a shower and I’ve put a face mask on to try and make the illusion of not being half asleep

This was my DH. Exactly the same. Came home sat in front and of TV/computer. Never came to bed until early morning. Sleeping in. No asking how my day was or anything about me. I was completely invisible, lonely and felt I was a mother to him and the kids.
Great dad, but rubbish husband. I mentioned I was becoming resentful....he said we should do counselling and was nice for a day. Then it got forgotten. Carried on for 3 more years. I did my own stuff, he essentially did his. He just ended up sleeping downstairs. We barely talked. I craved attention, just to feel. But although sometimes I got it, I was married and no one wanted to give me that. I was just so confused on what to do...leaving felt so drastic, and how could I uproot the kids? I fell into a deep depression. I then developed a crush on a lovely guy, who made me realise there are nice guys out there and it made me end my marriage. Nothing ever came of that crush ...but it was a vehicle for me to move on.
Fast forward, we separated, he now lives and works abroad, the kids and I are happier, and I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders and can see light again. I feel sad about it all but we owe it to ourselves to be happy. One life...

I’ve put some concealer and mascara on because I looked awful and had to drop dd off at nursery this morning. I got asked by dh, where I was going and why I’d put makeup on. So he notices things, he just chooses not to comment

I feel really sad because dh has been through so much with me. He was with me at the hospital when my dad died. He was there the night that we lost mum. He’s been such a rock and it feels so horrible saying that we’ve fallen into such a rut. And I feel beyond guilty that someone else seems to be giving me the attention I do desperately crave from him

Talk to him. The biggest elephant in a relationship is not communicating. We assume he should just know because we would do it naturally. Explain you are worried how the relationship is atm and if he would go to counselling. Say you're not feeling much like a wife. Give the chance first, and hopefully he will step up.

We’ve had a couple of hours alone since I got back from dropping dd off at nursery. He’s played on his xbox, taken the dog for a walk and now gone to play on the other console

I’ve tried to talk to him this morning and he just seems to dismiss how I’m feeling as if I’m being silly. And then got stroppy with me because I asked what the point was in me sitting upstairs while he played on the PS4 because it’s not as if he talks to me when he’s on it, apparently it was so I wasn’t sat on my own. But, what’s the point when I’m sat up there doing exactly what I’m doing now

So, I’m going to go and collect dd in half an hour and we’re going to play outside for a bit on her trike. What’s the betting that he doesn’t come out to join us?

aw pinkle, you sound so sad :( Somethings going to have to give here, communication is so vital to a relationship, what do you do if he won't even listen to you and really hear what you're saying. Maybe be simple and say to him, "I'm really really unhappy and you're not taking that seriously, it's serious to me "

he wouldn’t even join us playing outside

the way he sees it is that he should be allowed to do what he wants during the day because he leaves for work at 2pm

he came up to bed at 12.30 this morning and tried to have sex with me, as if he seems to think that’s the answer to everything

yes I want more attention from him, but not just in the way of sex and I’ve made that perfectly clear to him

I’m out with dd tomorrow to see some of my side of the family, so a day away from dh. I’m going to write him that letter tonight to read tomorrow and give him some time to think

I actually messaged him in time for him to get to work (he gets there half an hour early so he can get a coffee)

I explained how low I’m feeling. Even said that and a compliment here or there and showing some interest in me would go a long way. I said that I love him, that I want us to work and asked him to help me snap out of it

His response ....
“I don’t know what I can do, I don’t feel as if I’m doing anything different”

Sounds really frustrating. Banging head on brick wall comes to mind.

Why does he have to game so much he sounds like a teenager with no responsibility make him play with dc more. I would be fuming if it was me. why not go out more when you can put make up on meet friends he might take notice if your not around especially if he is. Do your own thing and if he ignores it might be time to give up or put up it’s so sad because it’s can be more lonely being married than being free and single. I know how that feels.

I think you need to install some seriousness. He's comfortable and hasn't entertained the idea that it could be that bad. You actually need to spell it out to him! Say you need to have counselling and sort the relationship as you're not living like this for the next 10 years!!

@Pessimistic, I’m actually tempted to do that. I’ve clicked with the mum of a friend of dd, so I might see if she’s up for going out one night, or I might drag my cousin over here to come out one night. And given how I feel, I think I need it

Seriously I would if he’s not willing to be there for u. do it have fun at least u can break the boredom up and give u something to look forward to. even if it’s just the pictures or going for tea to a pub give him some responsibility back he might work hard but he’s a parent now aswell X

I don’t think he’s even willing to change

I tried to talk to him last night and he started to make a joke out of what I was saying. And when I told him to stop because I was being serious he finally listened. I told him that I need more, even if it’s just a compliment here or there, some couple time

I’m off out to see some of my family with dd today and I’ve made an effort with my clothes, tied my hair up nice and put a bit of makeup on, and it’s like I’m invisible

I’m so close to giving up, it’s unreal

How about a few days back in Wales visiting friends or some family? Even just a few days break with your daughter?

Tell him you need to think and clear your head. Would that make him sit up and take you seriously then?

TBH, I wouldn't even give him a heads up of any plan, I'd just go and send him a text / leave a note when I'm on my way.

I’m sorry but there is something wrong with him or lacks respect for you if he’s not talking you seriously I think I would be asking now if we would be better apart as your not getting anything from him and as your dc gets older and you do it will get harder I have done this myself a few times it might make him listen if not check out emotionally and stay if you want or start looking to get out but don’t let him fob you off any longer and tell him no sex until he listens that might work

I just want to make it clear that I won’t be using dh’s behaviour as an excuse to act on how I’m feeling towards the postman. I made vows and I intend to keep them until we get back on track or we part ways. I just didn’t want anyone thinking that I would be jumping straight into the arms or bed of someone who actually shows me the attention that I want. It’s just not me

I’d have to get the train to get anywhere, but I do have friends in Devon that I could potentially get away to for a few days, so that is an option

You don’t have to justify yourself to us if you decide to stay and he doesn’t change at least have fun make your life more bearable X

I think if I get asked how I am today I’m going to cry

dd started with a cough yesterday and started wheezing, so I took her to the pharmacy for some advice. Basically everything progressed until we were sat with the paramedics in our front room at 1.30 this morning

we eventually got to sleep at 3 and when I got up this morning I had a shower because I felt really grotty. I went downstairs and dh had done dd’s breakfast and decided he was going to go on one of the consoles until we needed to set off for the out of hours drs appointment the paramedic made for us

I must have pulled my face because he then got in my face (in a joking non threatening way I promise), trying to wind me up. Then when I told him to get out of my face he got stroppy and snapped “what the fuck is wrong with you?!?”

I’ve had enough. He goes to his Nana’s for a couple of hours normally on a Saturday and I seriously can’t wait

Wow he had to ask? You have a sick dd hardly any sleep he is selfish cf. why does dd not go with him to see his nana? I would have thought she would love seeing ggd or is she too ill? I really feel for you he is more married to his consoles would you not ask him to stay with his nana for a few days why you have some head space he might get concerned and listen then or if he doesn’t then maybe he doesn’t love you as much as he should. It’s your life but your at breaking point now this is your life long term if you both can’t sort it out I hope you dd is feeling better if it ever sounds like a seal when coughing go straight to A&E it could be croup. X

I feel pathetic too though because as we pulled off the estate to fetch dd to her appointment with the out of hours dr for a presciption, the postman pulled onto the estate and I felt really upset, ridiculously so

dd does normally go with him, but she’s definitely not well enough to go today. He wouldn’t stay with his Nana for a few nights. So I’m trying to figure out getting myself away for a couple of nights

I seem to have distanced myself from dh yesterday. And I noted that he didn’t actually tell me all day that he loves me. I’m always the first to say it, and I thought to myself to wait and see if he actually says it first for a change and he didn’t

I didn’t mean today it’s sad his dd won’t go with him i just meant if he took her now and then you would have some grown up time to do what you wanted. I wouldn’t say you love him until he does but there only words actions speak louder and his are silent from what I can see. I think this is more than the postman it’s a marriage and a family at stake get away see if that helps but I’ve been there and it’s still waiting when you get back you need to decide if this if your life now your dd is young enough if you wanted out it only gets harder.

I see so much of myself in your responses @pinklemonade84

I used to wait and see if he would things or notice, or say things without a prompt. Never happened. I would cry most mornings driving to work. Staying strong was hard and I didn't feel I was 100% there for the kids as I was so unhappy in myself.

I only think a wake up call would make him realise. I started by saying I wanted to split up. It got ignored until I then said I spoke to a solicitor, then he knew I was serious. It took over a year for me from that point so it wasn't an immediate split. I struggled so much with what was the right thing. How could I split up the life I'd built. The kids....

But then someone said to me...what are the kids learning from the relationship. What are they seeing on what a living partnership should be like...the respect and care. They will mimic this as that's what they've known. And also what if my own daughter was going through this...what would be my advice?

Things things got me thinking. The most important thing are the kids. They ultimately want happy parents and to know they are loved by both. Mine have that, even though their dad isn't here m, they talk and chat whenever they want. We got through it.

I'm not saying for you to do this, but he really needs a wake up call to see his marriage is on the line. Unfortunately people think they don't need to work at it anymore and take people for granted.