How does a guy sensitively support his partner through her pregnancy hormone rollercoaster?

[NewLevelsOfTiredness]

This is probably going to come out a bit garbled because I am so very tired right now, so apologies if so. Also please pile on if we're being unreasonable with our approach to the 4yr old mentioned below, regarding her sleeping arrangements.

Anyway, live with my girlfriend and her two little girls, 4 & 8 - they were just 2 & 6 when I moved in. All good - great relationship with girls, situation with their father amicable and me and my girlfriend's relationship is great.

And early April she'll be giving birth to our daughter. Girls are very excited (they were asking for a new sibling before my gf got pregnant anyway.)

The pregnancy is going well health wise. Physical health wise anyway. But she's taken an absolute battering from her hormones. Initially she was very irritable, but that's died down now. Now it's just a rollercoaster - she cries with happiness frequently, which is lovely. The next day she can be sad, really sad. I'm struggling with how to best help her on these days, or even if there's anything I can do.

Last night felt like an extreme one. 4yr old goes to sleep easily and calmly in her own bed bed every night. Wakes between 10:30 & 00:30 crying to come into ours. We are trying to be strong and not allow this - she needs her sleep to much to be being disturbed by little sister throughout the night when she arrives. It's a struggle, she cries a lot and obviously it's a little heart-braking.

Last night it was about 00:30 and my girlfriend got her settled after about 15mins - stayed in the room with her until she was asleep. Then got back into bed.

I cuddled up, as we do - we fall asleep that way. My girlfriend then said that she felt like a hypocrite for denying her daughter hugs while she slept, listening to her cry herself to sleep and then coming to bed and getting hugs herself.

Then she cried that she worried she'd broken the older girl by letting herself cry herself to sleep when she was younger.

And then that "it's not like I have much of a bond with her anyway" - this is because the older girl is wonderful sociable and since she was a baby has been happy to be looked after by whoever.

It's rubbish, they have an amazing bond and I always thought it was testament to her effective mothering that the girl is so confident and outgoing.

I tried logical arguments, I tried reassurance and just comforting. There doesn't seem to be a right thing. Eventually I made a throwaway comment which apparently made everything ok again.

So quite honestly - is there anything 'right' I can do? To be honest everything is so great the other 95% of the time but I'm such an absolute zombie today (it took me a long while to get back to sleep.) that it probably feels a big thing right now.

90% of her 'sad moments' are due to her worrying she's not a good enough mum. She's an amazing, dedicated mum. I can see how her mothering abilities are something that were play on her mind with a new one on the way, I guess.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for really. Maybe I just needed to vent. I emmigrated to her country a while back (before we met) and don't have the sort I friends here I can talk to about it. It's just weathering the storm and not trying to 'logic' a solution to it all right?

Firstly congratulations on pending fatherhood.

Pregnancy hormones make you feel all over the place and they can make you cry / get upset over the smallest silliest of things (but at the time they seem huge issues). They can also make you very tired, so try to do as much to help around the house as you can and perhaps take the girls out to the park / walks etc to give your partner a little down time to relax on her own.

And yes there will be times when whatever you say or do or don't do will be the wrong answer, just try to not to rise to it and stay calm. Hormones are a strange beast at the best of times, just try and remember your partner (hopefully) doesn't mean it if she's snappy or gets upset with you.

My friend has a 6 year old that is similar to your partners eldest, has never cared even as a tiny baby who he's left with (childminder / nursery / school) he totally indifferent and never gives her a backward glance, just skips off and gets on with it. Her younger daughter is totally opposite though. I can see how it can make you feel unwanted but it's just the way the child is, not down to your parenting skills. My son is a real mummy magnet even at 6.

Gosh being halfway through pregnancy myself I expect she is also feeling guilty at how she's so up and down! I cried over some food the other day full on hysterical crying, then laughter because I knew how ridiculous I was being but couldn't stop crying and my DH wasn't sure what to do yet neither did I! Haha!

It sounds like your being really supportive and saying the right things anyway. Perhaps having youngest so she gets a break and some time with eldest if she's worrying about eldest feeling left out? I think it's normal to worry also about your relationships with you current children when a knew one is due, especially with the same sex - we are due our second daughter and I worry about the bond and 4 year old DD being pushed out. Just be open with her, listen to her and do as much as you can to help her! Perhaps a little treat (DH will often get my favourite chocolate for example) to boost her mood and show her your thinking of her!

It sounds like you're doing a great job of rolling with it as far as possible. Maybe she would like some 1-1 time with each child? Otherwise it sounds like you're already doing your best.

You sound great. There is absolutely no logic sometimes with hormones. Be calm and attentive and reassuring and listen. Be aware that this is nothing to do with you and that at times everything will seem wrong. But that is OK.

Sounds like you're being amazing. Just let her talk and reassure her. Pregnancy hormones are really hard and make you feel all over the place. Wishing you all the best

Thanks for the replies :) Better night last night (no 4yr old until 04:30!) although they were trick or treating last night so a little later up so they weren't on top form this morning!

They can also make you very tired, so try to do as much to help around the house as you can and perhaps take the girls out to the park / walks etc to give your partner a little down time to relax on her own.

I'm doing all the evening stuff (cleaning kitchen, lunches etc.) so she can just sit and chill after the girls in bed. I sing for the 8yr old (her choice - she loves English songs even though she doesn't understand them...) so once the 4yr old is in bed she can just relax. I also get up earlier and have them dressed and eating so she gets an extra half hour in bed (I've always done this I'm a better morning person anyway, so it's no extra effort.) The problem is that because I'm not the girl's dad there's a certain amount of mental load stuff that I simply can't take over - school admin stuff, doctor appointments etc. I know this is what tires her the most to be honest :(

I'm also an immigrant here (a Scandinavian country) and whilst I'm conversationally fluent (obviously, since the girls don't speak English yet) some of the paperwork challenges me a bit...

I think it's normal to worry also about your relationships with you current children when a knew one is due, especially with the same sex

I think also that everyone we know has two, and there's some similar patterns. She is one of two - has a slightly younger sister. There's something about getting 'No. 3' that feels like new and slightly scary territory I think.

Perhaps a little treat (DH will often get my favourite chocolate for example) to boost her mood and show her your thinking of her!

She's trying to be careful with her weight. She looks great, but I suppose a doctor might recommend she lose a tiny bit. At the same time she's hungry, a lot, with the pregnancy. I have that slight fear that a gift of chocolate might be perceived as not supporting her in this. But she does like it - eh, it's worth the risk - thanks :)

Maybe she would like some 1-1 time with each child?

Due to the step-parent situation we've always tried to be careful to give her 1-1 time with them anyway, although phased it out as neither child seemed to 'need' it. The 8yr old goes to bed an hour later now. Sometimes I'm there but usually it's quality time between her and mum while I'm busy tidying up in the kitchen. I think they really value this time and have gotten even closer with it. She actually has quite a few playdates and consequently mum and 4yr old get a fair bit of time too.

I've offered to take them to a park and things - but then mum just wants to come so she doesn't miss out. They never did things as a family when the ex was there - he just couldn't cope with it. We hadn't dared hope that the girls would be as accepting of me as they have been so she gets a lot of joy from doing things as a family and struggles to do the sensible things and take a little time for herself!

Still, the girls are with their dad this weekend (he's turned out to be a remarkably good weekend dad, not too 'disney' at all either) so we'll get a little battery recharge.

Thanks for the comments and advice :)

Pregnancy is horrible.

Listen attentively to her. Reassure her. Ask her what she needs. Sometimes just ride it out.

Congratulations!

Sorry to bump this.

I'm struggling today. Yesterday was a terrible day for us both. Throughout the day she was annoyed at various things - colleagues etc, She actually has a wonderful relationship with them but everything was getting to her. I was attentive and soaked it up. She was also annoyed at me for a couple of things - I'm currently getting my driving license (for the second time, my one from back home wasn't transferable to this country) but it means a lot of compulsory evening theory lessons. She understandably really wanted me to do this but was annoyed at how it impacted on other plans (that she'd made without consulting me, to be fair.) It flared up through the day.

I'd thought to try and gently deal with it when I got home from the driving school, but the eldest SD text me while I was on the train that she could hear mum and dad fighting (on the phone) and could I hurry back.

Turns out that he'd had a drink and called worried that his girls would become 'second best' or something. Understandable concerns but silly to try and resolve after a drink and the 'argument' was my girlfriend trying to tell him he had to call back later once the girls were asleep.

I got back and told my girlfriend (I've always told my SDs that stepparent's and their stepkids shouldn't have secrets from the actual parents unless it's 'fun' stuff like surprise gifts) and we agreed that rather than break confidence I should try and talk to SD first.

I did and it turned out she thought they were arguing about if I or her dad was the dad! I explained it wasn't that and daddy just loved her so much that he wanted to be sure she got just as much love as she does now once the baby comes, and promised her she absolutely would. I also told her she could always talk to her mum or dad about things and they wouldn't be angry. I also said mum and dad had spoken again and everything was fine between them (a white lie but it came true when they spoke later.)

Meanwhile my girlfriend was devastated that her little girl had heard it. One of her main motivations for splitting up with her ex was that she didn't want her kids subject to the arguments etc.

So I held her while she cried, and made the kid's lunches for today, and we went to bed.

I was still, inside, angry that I'd gotten grief for something out of my hands earlier.
I was exhausted from soaking up her anger at everything else.
I was emotionally wiped out from my SD confiding in me on something like that from the first time ever.
I was exhausted from comforting my gf and reassuring her was a great mum.

And despite all this I lay awake with it all churning in my head. I've got no release. I can't confide in anyone and just need to soak it all up and I'm struggling with that.

I'm tired as hell today. My gf is wonderfully cheerful, and I could screw that up easily by discussing how I feel. Or I can just bury it.

I'm just being whiney right? I'm trying so hard to get everything right. I make sure she can get up as late as possible (I get everything done in the morning, feed the kids, pack their bags etc.) and do everything in the evening (cleaning kitchen, making lunches etc.) so she can rest as much as possible. But it's only the stuff that's not right that gets noticed at the moment, and it's wearing me down.

I just think if after everything yesterday, the anger, the annoyance, the emotional support for both her and her daughter, waiting while she supported her ex through his worries, she'd have had two seconds to ask "are you ok?" before we slept, it would all feel 100% better.

Sorry, this is just a long vent. I'm over-tired. It's just so out of character for her but I know it's tough for her :(

How many weeks is your partner along now?

18+5 :)

You sound incredibly patient. It’s ok for you to have some needs too! You can’t control everything, and make it all serene for her all the time. You can ask for a little too - just a handhold or a hug or whatever is usual for you. (I ask my DH for hugs - he prefers to have a foot rub). You are a team. Sometimes things are going to get too much. Feel free to vent here!

31+3 now...

The moods are there still (good and bad) and it's knackering.

The problem for me at the moment is that she's, well, shit at taking it easy. She's really pregnant. Has the maximum 'safe limit' amount of fluid in the womb. Her ankles hurt and her pelvic bone gives a lot of pain from where it broke delivering baby no 2. She's getting he Braxton Hicks (or whatever they're called) contractions a lot. Oh, and her nipples hurt, a lot, with the cold at the moment. It's a bit shit for her although she is defiantly declaring that she loves being pregnant and it's all worth it.

So I'm doing what I can. I'm trying to get all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, lunches, kid's bedtimes etc. done. Whilst keeping en eye on her to make sure she takes it easy. With the Braxton Hicks thingies especially it's important she chills out. But she feels useless. She's just terrible at relaxing. She doesn't want the girls to see her as 'weak' - but I don't think they're going to judge her on the last couple of months of pregnancy. So sometimes, having everything done for her actually kinda pisses her off. Now, she's not a monster so she doesn't take it out on me as such, there's just a little... coldness, that I know means I should give her a few minutes to rage internally, or burst out crying, or perhaps even laugh. Whatever. And then we're good again. But it's exhausting.

Plus (I made a thread on it on the Step-parents subforum) the girls keep asking to call me Dad (despite their actual dad really stepping up in the last few months.) And I've very gently explained why they can't but they don't think it's fair the baby will be allowed to and keep 'accidentally' doing it anyway. It's not an easy thing to keep dealing with, emotionally. Their dad is a decent enough guy deep down and I will always respect that he's their dad but I'd adopt them in a heartbeat if he wasn't around.

We had a scare that turned out not to be a scare with the baby's heartbeat. Luckily the panic was only a couple of weeks but it took it's toll. I spent way too much time thinking about the worst case scenarios. I'm still sort of processing all that.

It all sounds very moany, sorry, but there's still no relaxation. I'm making sure my partner gets the lie-ins at the weekend, and at the moment a nap after dinner too. I'm tired. And all I keep hearing is how tired I'll be after the baby is born (I can't feed her, but I can carry the load for the other two - and I think I'll need to put everything I have into that to make sure they don't feel excluded.)

So, if it's ok, I'll moan here, because I really have nowhere else to.

(on a brighter note, at a scan last week the baby was giving us a thumbs-up from in the womb - this was exactly what we needed after the 'scare.')

Awwwwwww, you sound like a brilliant hubby, dad, and step-dad.

I remember when you first wrote this post thinking the same (sorry, I didn’t reply then). So when I saw this post had come up again I whizzed straight to the end to see if there was an update!

I think you’re doing the right thing, getting stuff off your chest. It’s tough on everyone when there’s a big change happening, but it’ll be well worth it of course.

I send flowers to all of your family.

Make sure you tell us when baby arrives!

You sound like such a lovely family and (sorry to be patronising) your open and generous style of communication will stand you/your relationship in very good stead.

We do rely on others being predictably reactive in a way that is consistent with our own level of sensitivity so that we can see similar emotional reactions reproduced from scratch in someone else (rather than affectually produced & reflected), as proof that our emotions are valid, or as a 'justificatory' anchor of sorts, so I can see why her being so sensitive would unsettle you, as you are not attuned in the same way to a shared environment (due to her preg hormones) and so your emotions are mostly led by her extreme ones at the moment without your both sharing the trigger for them (i.e. how she perceives the thing that has made her laugh hysterically, etc). If that's the case I could see how that would feel alienating. I think the way you take note of your emotions is very healthy and of course you need someone to sound off to - does Mumsnet help?

I can also see that your tiredness doesn't go away just because she's suffering - but I do think it's a worthwhile sacrifice to make (i.e. you making an effort not to complain to her), even if it won't be fully appreciated while you're doing it, because it will register on some level as something you did that showed you had a lot of empathetic respect for what she was going through.
My dad did all the night feeds when I was a newborn to let my mum rest, and then went out to work in the day. They talk about in a very matter of fact way, no complaints or mentions of tiredness on his side, and it was seen as a fair division of labour.
I don't think anyone could have reproached him for moaning about how tired he was now and then, but what good would it have done? There was no one being exploited and so no balance to redress through complaining. She just doesn't have the headspace to look after you right now (i.e. acknowledge your tiredness) and in that way it is an excusably uneven partnership (or asymmetrical - she's carrying a baby which can't be equalled, and you're pulling out all the stops to support her, which she can't equal currently). So I totally understand your need to vent IRL, keep up resisting the urge to though!

and , you sound like you're doing amazingly

I don't think you should be shouldering that much emotional stress. Yes, being pregnant is exhausting, but that level of emotional instability doesn't sound normal. She is either struggling with her mental health (depression), or if that isn't the case, she really needs to pull herself together and stop using you as her emotional punchbag. She might be pregnant and feeling like shit, but she still needs to treat you with a decent amount of respect!

How is she supposed to pull herself together, though (not snippy, genuine Q)...sounds like she's already struggling with loss of mobility/independence and pain and pregnancy hiccups, so in the face of having to put on an act for the kids she's probably expending a lot of energy on self control already. It doesn't sound like she has the resources to put on an act for OP and mask her feelings even more.

I just read this thread and omg i dont know if its my pregnancy hormones but you sound so lovely and an amazing partner, father and step father to those girls. You are taking on all this stress so your pregnant partner feels better and its so lovely to see! It does sound like both you and partner need some support. Her hormones are all over the place and its so good you are giving her this extra time to relax but also think about your own wellbeing too so you can continue to support your family the way you have been!

Thanks for the support :) Yes, I do realise that if I burn out totally I'm suddenly no good to any of them.

@velourvoyager- That was really helpful , thanks :) I mean, it's stuff I rationally know, but easy to lose track of when you're knackered.
I am having to remind myself to get over my pity-party and think of what she's going through, constantly. I'd have preferred that it came a little more naturally to me.

And yes, while the appreciation might not be obvious I know it's there. I also know she never got over how unhelpful and distant her ex was during her two previous pregnancies.

Mumsnet helps with the sounding off. To be honest it helps with a lot of things. No matter how well brought up you are (and I think my parents did a pretty good job) it is helpful to see the other side's perspective written plainly.

@BestBeforeYesterday

I agree that there's a limit. The problem here is that she's having to take suplementary progesterone to prevent another premature birth, so she's even more ramped with hormones than she would naturally be. There have been one or two occasions where I have spoken up. There have also been occasions where she has let me know that she is aware of the shift I'm putting in, and how difficult she can be.

I will also say that I'm really enjoying the 'other' extremes - the happy ones.

But - it's only a month now until she finishes work (she gets the month leading up to the due date off.) We're lucky in that the country we live in has very generous maternity/paternity leave and our jobs are good with it even by those standards. As well as the first two weeks I'll be able to have a month or so off over the summer while she's on maternity leave to help - that could be a logical time to ask gently if she's ready to start expressing and letting me take the nights (I know she's very fixed on breastfeeding exclusively to begin with.) Then I'll have four months off with the baby in November when she returns to work.

I'm going to miss the bump, to be honest. There's something just... goddessy about the bump being there. Maybe because I know I can't have a bump (well, not that kind.)

You sound great she sounds like a nightmare tbh.
Pregnancy is NO excuse whatsoever for her being a dick.

Hats off to you OP, such kind, enviable and considerate man you are. Keep being you and she definitely will tell you how appreciative she is when baby's born.
All the best to you and your family.

@SandraTheBee
I’m fairness you’re only hearing my perception here. I can’t give you her’s. It’s not constant and there are many wonderful moments too. I know I’ll look back at the time with a sense of wonder because truly mostly it has been. My post today and my post in November are/we’re two particularly low points. If I posted the highs it would be a long thread.

I have a wonderful mum, who got terrible PMS. I do remember one occasion where she said something immensely hurtful. Her dad was dying at the time as well and I could empathise how the combination was just too much. I know that’s not my ‘normal’ mum. My previous girlfriend never got mean with her PMS - she got crushingly sad. I would honestly have taken a bit of bitchiness from her than seen her go through those days.

Maybe it’s not ok, maybe there’s a balance. I don’t know. I know it’s not ‘normal’ her and that’s good enough for me.

I’m getting the snip after the baby’s born though, no more artificial hormones for her. (let’s not start talking about the menopause yet...)

Sorry if that’s a bit defensive. We’ve actually just driven home and she insisted on dropping me home and collecting the girls and shopping on her own because I was looking drained and she wanted me to rest since she was feeling good herself!

Dw OP you haven't made her sound bad at all, sounds like you've been fair. It's obviously this isn't proof of any character failing on her part, more of her having no 'spoons' left over.
Sounds like you are both attentive to each other when things are 'normal'. Enjoy the last weeks of pregnancy :)

OP I am not saying she should put on a happy act every day when she's clearly unwell. But you need to be careful not to accept hormones as an excuse for being treated like muck. You sound very caring and kind, but also a bit like you lack boundaries. She needs to treat you kindly as well, being pregnant is no excuse for nastiness! And she does sound nasty. Fwiw, progesterone can be used as a mood stabiliser and antidepressant during menopause. It doesn't make people aggressive and angry.
What I'm trying to say is, take care of yourself just as much as you're taking care of your family!

Can they call you Daddytired? Or Pop? I understand not wanting to tread on their dads toes but they clearly want to acknowledge you.

Right, so yesterday evening I started coming down with a throat infection. Today I'm pretty damn sick. It's not just manflu, promise....

I've tried to keep up the pace but she's been golden. I think she's enjoying being able to balance the books a little, and I know she's more comfortable at showing appreciation through action.

I've made her promise not to overdo it regardless.

Better to be ill now than after the baby arrives, I guess.