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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To leave or not to leave

30 replies

Oddsocks17 · 31/10/2018 03:57

Hi,

I'm at a loss and don't know what to do.
I've been married for 7 years together for 10. DS and DSD. My husband works shifts so time together is limited, however it's so limited I'm beginning to feel like a single parent.

My DH has lots of dislikes in the world.
Cinema - people might look at him. Wait for the movie on sky.
Going out - can't be bothered to get dressed up.
Doors being open
Buying gifts on holiday for family
Christmas gifts for family
Holidays outside Europe
Long plane journeys
My cats
Dogs
Walking....anywhere

I could go on.

I used to be a sassy ladette who was hard to pin down. Now I feel submissive and controlled.

At a recent wedding he bought A new suit, shoes etc out of our savings then moaned when I wanted a dress. I ended up getting it on my credit card he moaned that much. He then moaned at the wedding as I had 5 drinks which was 25 quid. All together he spent 200. I spent the night on the table wine to avoid asking for a drink again. When I questioned him about it, it didn't happen. Which is the usual response to which I then spend days analysing and working out if I'm going mad or.not.

For a while now I've been wanting to travel and finding myself searching for myself and my DS instead. Then I found myself looking at houses then working out finances of being alone.

Our financial situation is good but we still have 200 a month spending money with the rest on bills / savings. Recently money has been dissapearring with no explanation.
Also I wanted to go to a concert with DS and it had to come out of my spends, which was fine, but he said if we all went then we could use the savings.

If I want to do anything with DS then I get guilt tripped about his DD. I have weekends with just DS so I would like to go to theme parks and outings, but he says I should wait for DSD so she doesn't miss out. Thing is she does loads with her maternal family, then comes and boasts about it.

I've started to look at things I can do with my DS which don't include him. I've found a house on the net i could afford, and would have £500 a month disposable income a month, plenty to save for amazing holidays and I think I've furnished the house 10x over in my head. My imaginary house and life is so exciting I'm beginning to think maybe it should be my real life before my spirit is crushed entirely.

Sad
OP posts:
blackcat86 · 31/10/2018 04:02

It sounds like you've mentally already checked out anyway OP so get your ducks in a row and go with your DS then if he feels so strongly that he doesn't want his DD to miss out on trips he can bloody well take her! You sound utterly exasperated by DH and worn down. Why should you be expected to entertain his child when she visits and then be guilted about providing opportunities for DS? DD is his child, he should be caring for her when she's there.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2018 04:51

You are clearly so unhappy. Set yourself free and get out. You won't ever regret it, but you WILL regret staying.

Starfish28 · 31/10/2018 05:16

You sound so unhappy and your partner sounds abusive. The denying things have happened after the fact just sounds like he is gaslighting you. You need to give yourself permission to leave.

Villagelifer · 31/10/2018 05:26

Do you have access to the accounts? Will you be able to figure out what the disappearing money is all about?
I wouldn't say anything to your husband until you have things ready to go and your own (not joint) account.

Cawfee · 31/10/2018 05:47

You’ve been totally worn down by this man. Get out before you waste anymore of your life on him

bubbles108 · 31/10/2018 06:08

Split the money and leave. You get nothing from being with him. You'd be better off alone

penisbeakers · 31/10/2018 06:21

My god what a miserable shitkettle he sounds. I'd be out of there.

Angrybird345 · 31/10/2018 06:34

Go for it! Get out of the misery.

Original poster
Oddsocks17 · 31/10/2018 06:48

Hmm maybe I have checked out.

If I question him he will always have an answer. Never just apologises and agrees, always back to me.

E.g. I walk in the kitchen and he is vaping out the patio door. I do the same when be is finished and get told to shut the door as I'm letting the cold in. I say you just had it open and I won't be long. So he tuts, rolls his eyes and walks off. I stop vaping and shut the door.

Why am I like this?????

OP posts:
Forgotmycoat · 31/10/2018 07:01

Op you are like this because he has ground you down and you'll go to great lengths to keep the peace.

Please leave this man. He is wasting your joint savings and being financially abusive as well as controlling and gaslighting you.

Your imaginary life sounds amazing. Make it a reality. Good luck x

Forgotmycoat · 31/10/2018 07:06

And please please take your ds wherever you want at weekends. Your ds is missing out on days out to make sure his dd doesn't miss out. Tell him to take dd out himself when she's over, you're not keeping your son at home on weekends, that's unfair on him.

YelenaSabra · 31/10/2018 08:32

Relationships should be one of the things that make us happy. We need to be compatible. It sounds like your DH and you are just not compatible. That's not the end of the world, if you really love each other and if both of you are prepared to compromise, but if you can't compromise and/or if you want a more engaged relationship, it won't make you happy.

Maelstrop · 31/10/2018 13:15

Get out, OP, before you become a complete shadow of your former self.

AlohaFi · 31/10/2018 13:20

I say before splitting up maybe go to counceling! You ahve been together a long time, why not try to fix these issues and try to be together?
I think this is something that can be fixed with counceling.

Yes, im a big advocate on marriage and working on issues. I dont think divorce is always a soltuions, especially if no steps have been taken to make things better.
There must be a reason why you first got together, why you ahve been together for so many years :)

Beaverhausen · 31/10/2018 13:22

Nothing is holding you back OP, go and have the life you and your son deserves.

Tigerbear · 31/10/2018 13:22

Leave. Do it. I did, and my life has never been better or happier. I don’t regret leaving exDH, not in the slightest.

Singlenotsingle · 31/10/2018 13:23

Off you go! Have a nice life! Flowers

Santaisgettingbusy · 31/10/2018 13:24

He is financially abusive imo. And a control freak.
Neither are attractive qualities.
He isn't a good role model for your ds at all is he?
Time to leave.

Fashionista101 · 31/10/2018 13:24

You go girl! You and your DS will love it, I can tell! GlitterballThanks

SantaIsReal · 31/10/2018 13:25

It does sound as though you have made up your mind. If I were you, I'd go. There is no use you staying & being unhappy which will them impact on your DS as he'll see his mum is unhappy. Cut your losses & re-discover yourself with your son!

hellsbellsmelons · 31/10/2018 13:38

You are unhappy.
He's an abusive, controlling, gaslighting prick.
You already have a plan.
Follow through with it OP.
Imagine how much happier you will be.
Then just do it and actually be happier.

Most of your list of things he doesn't like, nicely shift all of the 'mental load' onto you.
He's good, I'll give him that.
Manipulative too.

You know what to do OP. You got this!!!

Original poster
Oddsocks17 · 31/10/2018 15:30

It's hard as I do believe in marriage and have watched my mum And dad go through so much together and stick it out. But I also see a very miserable lady and a grumpy old man. They scare me as I just see me and my husband in that position and i desperately do not want to get to my late 60s and regret doing nothing with my life.

OP posts:
YelenaSabra · 31/10/2018 15:37

It is a big decision to make, and not one that strangers on the internet can totally help with.

Can you imagine 2 versions of your future? One with your partner and one without? Which scares you more?

femidom12 · 31/10/2018 15:43

You are on the verge of making a life changing decision.
It seems scary, because it's a step into the unknown but you know what the right thing to do is.

Original poster
Oddsocks17 · 31/10/2018 16:25

Probably as a couple. Getting to 60 and having regrets of all the things I wanted to do.

Missing concerts, festivals, parties, holidays, exploring the world, laugh, smile, be fun.

:(

OP posts: