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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this disrespectful?

55 replies

Help1983 · 30/10/2018 18:42

I’ve just had a big argument with my boyfriend of over five years. I think he is out of order and he thinks that I am overreacting.

We have had today off work and we were messing around with the iPad. I took a photo of him and went to look at it in the camera roll. When I went to the camera roll, there was a photo saved from the internet of a woman I don’t know.

I asked him who it was and apparently it’s one of his ex girlfriends from ten years ago. When I asked him how the photo came to be on his iPad he told me he had googled her and saved the picture from the internet last week.

I asked why and he said that he realised he didn’t have any photos of her. Hmm this is a woman he dated for about three months ten years ago.

This is not the first time he has done this - the last time I went on his iPad about three years ago, he had sought out a photo of another one of his exes. We had a discussion and I explained that I felt his behaviour was disrespectful. He agreed then that he wouldn’t like it if I was seeking out and saving pictures of my exes.

I don’t have a problem with the fact that he has exes. I don’t care if he has photos from his past (provided they aren’t in my face and he doesn’t expect me to have weekly sessions where we look at them together! Grin )

What I do have a problem with is that he seems to be repeatedly trawling the internet for photographs of women he has previously dated, despite knowing that it hurts my feelings. It makes me feel like he is looking for something better.

There is only one photo of me in his camera roll.

Am I being over sensitive and controlling? Thanks.

OP posts:
Unicornandbows · 30/10/2018 18:44

Am guessing it's for his wank bank

Original poster
Help1983 · 30/10/2018 18:46

He denies this is the case. It’s a total turn off for me that he has done this again.

OP posts:
pottypotamus · 30/10/2018 18:51

Yes I would also assume it's for looking at it while pleasuring himself.

I would be fuming!! YANBU!

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/10/2018 18:53

Maybe the relationship has run its course, I look up people but don't keep their photos, I'm just nosey. He knows you don't like it, but still find it anyway

Original poster
Help1983 · 30/10/2018 19:00

I look up people all the time as well. Heck my ex has a naked (from the back) profile picture on Facebook.

I wouldn’t dream of saving the pictures though to my camera roll because that is in the past. I probably do have pictures of previous boyfriends but that would be from when we were together.

I have no desire to make him delete his past but he seems to want to bring it into the present. It is absolutely pissing me right off that he’s done this again.

OP posts:
Minionmomma · 30/10/2018 19:16

I want to try to reassure you in some way - looking at pics of exes is something I’ve done on social media from time to time. A little stalk here and there, just to see how life has turned out for them. I think that’s common though I know not everyone does it. And I’d never discuss that with my OH.

Saving the picture is the problem for me. That’s a step too far and, after what happened three years ago, he’s definitely bring disrespectful because he knows how you feel about this.

Original poster
Help1983 · 30/10/2018 19:21

Thanks minionmomma

That’s my problem too. I think it’s totally normal to look up people who’ve previously played an important part of your life. I’m not asking him to forget his past or people who he cared about.

However, it’s the fact that he has took the time to save the photo - what for? I don’t understand what it’s for. But I know it makes me feel insecure.

OP posts:
StrippedOfDeposit · 30/10/2018 19:43

Doesn’t WhatsApp and perhaps some other apps save pictures to the camera roll automatically? I think it’s more likely that she sent him a pic and it got saved automatically.

category12 · 30/10/2018 19:45

Actually I can see the point of it, sort of, as a belated record of that part of your life. I'm presuming it's not a saucy shot of her, just the normal sort of pic?

Original poster
Help1983 · 30/10/2018 19:51

It’s definitely not from WhatsApp. He has got it from a google search.

Why does he need a belated record of his life though after ten years of no contact? I
think it’s odd, especially given that he’s done it before. Why does he have the same amount of photos of me as he does of her? It’s made me feel really insecure.

OP posts:
category12 · 30/10/2018 19:53

Well he sees you everyday.

mogratpineapple · 30/10/2018 20:42

Disrespectful for a start that he's lying. No I wouldn't be comfortable with this saving pictures, which isn't the same as seeing them online somewhere. Very shady. My gut would turn over.

LatentPhase · 30/10/2018 21:05

To you it’s disrespectful. That’s all that matters. But FWIW I agree.

I don’t stalk people, not particularly sentimental about the past, not interested in stalking exes.

I understand some people stalk people. That much I get. But saving pictures to camera roll? No.

Either that’s wank fodder or he is holding a torch. Plus you’ve already told him you find it disrespectful. So he knows how you feel.

How is your relationship apart from this. I would start to have real doubts if I were in this situation. Doubts that he can respect my boundaries and/or that he has emotionally checked out.

Adora10 · 30/10/2018 21:13

Weirdo, I’d see this as a red flag and would make me mistrust him, he’s compromising the relationship again and I’d see that as a blatant sign of apathy, think I’d be backing right off and maybe exploring a future that doesn’t include him.

yetmorecrap · 30/10/2018 23:45

Nope, that’s plain odd

Original poster
Help1983 · 31/10/2018 00:26

I can’t sleep. He emailed me to ask how long he would be in the dog house for and told me he didn’t see the problem. His words were ‘so I’ve got a picture of an ex from years ago on my iPad- so what?’

OP posts:
sadsadsady · 31/10/2018 00:30

I'd have a big problem with this op.

timeisnotaline · 31/10/2018 00:35

I guess you need to point out that the picture was saved a week ago (if I have that right) so who cares how old it is? The point is that most guys have pics of their gfs. He doesn’t, or at least he has just as many recently saved pics of his exs. If he needs pics of other women to wank then you get to decide if you are ok (I wouldn’t be especially if he knew those other women) plus if he doesn’t have more pics of you it’s telling you you aren’t long term. You aren’t worth any more than those other exes.

BusterGonad · 31/10/2018 00:35

I would have a problem too, I'd be feeling very insecure and just can't understand why he'd do it, especially knowing your feelings about it!

toherdoor · 31/10/2018 00:36

He's wanking over it. I'd have a problem with it too.

Original poster
Help1983 · 31/10/2018 01:03

The ex is from years ago. The photo is more recent.

I just feel let down by his behaviour.

Thanks for your input everyone.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 31/10/2018 09:17

Oh I wouldn't be happy about that at all more so by ignoring your feelings back then when he did it, and now

Original poster
Help1983 · 31/10/2018 10:21

He has messaged me saying that he wants to keep the photo but will delete it if I insist.

This apparently is not a big deal and is a jealousy issue on my part.

How has this become my fault?!

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/10/2018 10:53

The ex is from years ago. The photo is more recent.

I didn't realise this, assumed it was a photo from when they were together. No, this makes it quite creepy to be honest. I would not be happy.

This apparently is not a big deal and is a jealousy issue on my part.
How has this become my fault?!

This is not your fault, he's projecting it onto you (also known as gaslighting) and this is a major red flag in itself.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/10/2018 11:17

How has this become my fault?!
Because your STBEx is a twat.
Sorry but it's not OK!
And it's weird!
And I would not be OK with it either.
Old pic, had it for ages = OK
Sought out ex from 10 years ago who he was with for 3 months = NOT OK!
And he can't even see it's not OK.

I'd be going through my back catalogue of Ex's and saving some pics.
What's good for the goose and all that jazz.

But honestly, it's disrespectful and he isn't even sorry about it all and how it's made you feel.

There must be other stuff!?

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