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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this disrespectful?

55 replies

Help1983 · 30/10/2018 18:42

I’ve just had a big argument with my boyfriend of over five years. I think he is out of order and he thinks that I am overreacting.

We have had today off work and we were messing around with the iPad. I took a photo of him and went to look at it in the camera roll. When I went to the camera roll, there was a photo saved from the internet of a woman I don’t know.

I asked him who it was and apparently it’s one of his ex girlfriends from ten years ago. When I asked him how the photo came to be on his iPad he told me he had googled her and saved the picture from the internet last week.

I asked why and he said that he realised he didn’t have any photos of her. Hmm this is a woman he dated for about three months ten years ago.

This is not the first time he has done this - the last time I went on his iPad about three years ago, he had sought out a photo of another one of his exes. We had a discussion and I explained that I felt his behaviour was disrespectful. He agreed then that he wouldn’t like it if I was seeking out and saving pictures of my exes.

I don’t have a problem with the fact that he has exes. I don’t care if he has photos from his past (provided they aren’t in my face and he doesn’t expect me to have weekly sessions where we look at them together! Grin )

What I do have a problem with is that he seems to be repeatedly trawling the internet for photographs of women he has previously dated, despite knowing that it hurts my feelings. It makes me feel like he is looking for something better.

There is only one photo of me in his camera roll.

Am I being over sensitive and controlling? Thanks.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 31/10/2018 11:23

Even if it isn’t a ‘big deal’ to him it should be enough that it is for you, especially as it’s happened before. I would be asking ‘why is this photo more important to you than the fact that it upsets the person you’re supposed to love?’ Point out that possessing old photos of an ex from when you were together is normal but seeking out recent photos and saving them most definitely is not and that it’s the strangeness of that action which is creating your ‘jealousy issue’.

Don’t let him put the blame on you, keep reiterating that seeking out and saving recent photos is weird and disrespectful to you and your relationship and keep asking why photos are more important to him than your feelings. Point out that you are only ‘jealous’ because of his actions and that he could easily solve that by deleting any photos he’s acquired in this way and not doing it again.

We all have our lines in the sand and you have the right to assert your boundaries, just bear in mind that it will leave you at an impasse if he won’t respect them. At that point you would have to decide whether it’s a dealbreaker and important enough that you would leave him.

category12 · 31/10/2018 11:36

If this is the only issue between you, is it really the hill either of you want to die on?

Halloweenallyearround · 31/10/2018 11:38

He's playing mind games! He knew you'd come across it and he's enjoying the excitement.
My oh wouldn't ever do such a thing ( well I hope)
Because he is with me and I with him and the ex's don't matter.
We both have dc with ours and I don't have any pictures up or on my phone, the dc have them in there rooms
But that's it.
How long have you been together?
Because this sort of thing is a red flag to me. And I don't want to add worry but it's the sort of stuff guys who browse tinder do.

Cawfee · 31/10/2018 11:51

I’d feel the same as you. I wouldn’t be interested in somebody who did this. If he doesn’t see a problem then I’d have to dump. You’re not compatible. You need somebody who gets why that’s not ok

hellsbellsmelons · 31/10/2018 12:05

How long have you been together?
It's in the OP's opening (1st) sentence @Halloweenallyearround

Halloweenallyearround · 31/10/2018 12:08

@hellsbellsmelons 

Original poster
Help1983 · 31/10/2018 15:18

We have spoken. He was unable to give for any real reason why he needed this photo and has agreed to delete it.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I will be keeping my eye on the situation.

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 31/10/2018 17:01

TBH he's a cunt!

Johnnyfinland · 31/10/2018 17:10

That’s seriously weird and creepy. Stalking exes online - yes, fine, I do this, not a problem. Screenshotting a random pic that is not even a picture meant for him, without her knowledge, is bizarre and creepy. Not to mention that he knows you’re not happy and did it anyway. He sounds like a twat

Original poster
Help1983 · 31/10/2018 17:47

Oh and the thing that made me laugh is he was saying he wouldn’t have a problem with me having photos of my exes (conveniently forgetting that my pics are from when we were together - not obtained from the internet), I told him I had no problem with him having photos from his past and that I had some including naked ones. He got really annoyed and said that was going too far.

As I said, I will be watching his closely for a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Help1983 · 02/11/2018 23:08

Hello- me again. Hmm I checked tonight and he has not yet deleted the picture.

I’m not happy but how do I raise it without looking like I’m paranoid?

OP posts:
UnicornSlaughters · 02/11/2018 23:22

He has no intention of deleting the photo. He said what he needed to say to appease you. This will continue until you decide you've had enough.

Original poster
Help1983 · 03/11/2018 07:54

I think you might be right. I think he is hoping that I will just assume he has done as he agreed and forget about it.

OP posts:
category12 · 03/11/2018 09:37

Well he agreed to delete it and he hasn't. I don't think you should be worrying about looking paranoid at this stage that ship has sailed. It's no point letting it slide after all this.

Original poster
Help1983 · 03/11/2018 09:54

Do you think I sound paranoid category12

We actually had a calm discussion about it and I told him I would prefer it if the picture wasn’t saved on his iPad but that if it was as important to him, I wouldn’t have a problem with him printing it or keeping it with the rest of his pictures.

I thought that was a decent compromise- if it was important to him, then he didn’t have to get rid of it but it wouldn’t be in my face on his iPad.

However, he said he didn’t need to keep it and would just delete it.

OP posts:
category12 · 03/11/2018 10:17

You know I do, over this whole thing. But OK, you set your personal boundaries where you like, and a picture of an ex is one of those for you. That's fine.

You told us you would be monitoring what he did from that conversation and now you've found he hasn't done what he said he would. Your biggest worry here is not "looking paranoid".

timeisnotaline · 03/11/2018 10:20

You don’t have to always compromise or go his way. You’re allowed deal breakers you won’t bend on. I wouldn’t feel guilty about snooping when he hasn’t deleted it. If he meant what he said then it wouldn’t have been there and you would feel you could trust him.

category12 · 03/11/2018 10:24

So you need to say "hey, I'm on your iPad and that picture is still there - I'm just going to go ahead and delete it."

category12 · 03/11/2018 10:27

And then consider if you're going to confront him about lying to you and pretending to take your boundary seriously and then not. Which is crap and patronising, and I wouldn't be happy with it at all.

mumisalliam · 03/11/2018 10:37

If it was me I would put the naked pic of my ex as my screen saver on my phone
And make sure he sees it..

But I'm petty 🤷🏼‍♀️ so..

sadiesnakes · 03/11/2018 10:37

It doesn't really matter whether he deletes it now or not. It's served it's purpose already. Your real problem is your bf likes to wank to past gfs pictures and you need to decide if you'll settle for that kind of guy. My advice would be to higher your standards and get rid. He'll never change, just get sneakier about hiding it.

Amyerda · 03/11/2018 10:42

What greenfingers said. He is manipulating the issue and making it about you. He is indeed a wanker!

ABeanCalledHopeInAMadTin · 03/11/2018 10:43

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Original poster
Help1983 · 03/11/2018 10:59

Thanks everyone for your input- especially MadBean Grin Made me laugh anyway but probably a 4/10 on the wind up scale.

OP posts:
Original poster
Help1983 · 03/11/2018 11:00

Sorry not MadBean but the BeanCalledHope

OP posts: