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Original poster

Aibu to want to live together ?

29 replies

Endofmyteather2206 · 30/10/2018 15:57

So I have been with my partner for just a little over 4 years now. We both live in separate houses, I live alone and my partner has a house with two children living there, I love the kids and count them as my own and would do any thing for all three of them.

I really would like to start living together as a proper family but my partner doesn’t want this for various reasons. I stay over a few nights a week and it’s great on morning waking up with every one and spending time together. As apposed to waking up alone. We do spend every evening together and the nights I don’t stay over I normally leave at 11pm and go back to an empty house.

I dont class my house as my home it’s just a base to keep my belongings and sleep when I’m not staying over with my partner and the kids as that’s where I class as home

We all get on great together and I know the kids love me, but am I being unreasonable to want more and to share our lives together full time ?

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 30/10/2018 16:01

What are his reasons?

Cherries101 · 30/10/2018 16:01

If he doesn’t want to live together than you have no choice but to either continue living seperately or break up. If you want a single family unit then you’re probably wasting your time with this guy tbh.

Original poster
Endofmyteather2206 · 30/10/2018 16:05

The reasons are that he’s happy with his own house and space. We spend a lot of time together but it just feels shitty after we spend a great weekend together and then I have to leave.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 30/10/2018 16:06

Yeah after 4 years it seems unusual for it not to have it progressed to a more permanent set up. Do you think he's trying to protect his kids and their assets in the event you all broke up or something? I mean it's clearly his choice, what you have to choose is if you want more of this is a deal breaker for you. Are you hoping to have kids yourself? Where does he stand on that? Does he ever see you living together

LatentPhase · 30/10/2018 16:07

How old are the dc?

What’s the relationship like with their mum?

What are contact arrangements?

What are his reasons for saying no?

I think I would feel a bit short changed by this arrangement. And would start pulling back and making sure I had other stuff going on in my life.

Trinity66 · 30/10/2018 16:09

I think I would feel a bit short changed by this arrangement. And would start pulling back and making sure I had other stuff going on in my life.

Maybe he just doesn't want to have a live in partner anymore, I mean if that's the case it's totally his choice, it's up to the OP to either accept that or move on, I guess

Adora10 · 30/10/2018 16:10

Wouldn’t be a relationship I would be happy to continue with, he either has me full time or not at all, 4 years I’d find that quite insulting tbh. Also think you need a life away from him and his kids, do you have a social life with friends? Have them over for dinner? It sounds very one sided and all on his terms I’d feel dissatisfied and have to set a time frame on it moving on.

RyderWhiteSwan · 30/10/2018 16:13

He clearly doesn't envisage you living there any time soon. I agree with LatentPhase pull back and make a life for yourself outside his family. Make your home your home

Trinity66 · 30/10/2018 16:15

Make your home your home

Spot on. I have a prediction that if you start accepting this set up and not being at his beck and call all the time, start going out or having friends over to your house, he may start changing his tune anyway.

Original poster
Endofmyteather2206 · 30/10/2018 16:25

My social life is pretty
Much based around my partner and the kids. i love DP dearly and would not want to lose him but after 4 years together and the amount I do for them leaves me feeling as I’m not good enough, even when I try my best all the time

OP posts:
MeteorMedow · 30/10/2018 16:28

I know it’s meant with nothing but good intentions but when women give other women the ‘you should just pull back, get other stuff going on and make him realise...etc’ it makes me want to scream.

Its infuriating to pull yourself back, not go over when you really want to, not answer the phone when you want to and act like you’re enjoying random hobbies you’ve taken up purely to provoke a response you’ll probably never get. All the while resentment is bubbling up inside.

The truth is if he doesn’t want you to move in after 4 years - it’s not looking good. No matter how kind his words are or lovely the set up is it sounds like his being blunt that he doesn’t want you to be a permemant fixture!

You deserve better

NorthEndGal · 30/10/2018 16:31

It sounds like this is a good wake up call for you to start making a life for yourself.

I am not saying to split up, but you need to be more autonomous. Treat your house with love, and you will have 2 homes to enjoy, rather than one being a cell where you pass time. Invest in your own identity, your own interests and life.

What did you do before they were on the scene? What did you enjoy? Add more of that.

If you make yourself a priority, over them, they will start to value you a lot more.

Trinity66 · 30/10/2018 16:31

Can I ask what actually happens in your set up if you stay over, do you have to wait to see if he invites you stay on for another night or what? Like does he till you to get home when he's had enough of you around the place or what/

dontalltalkatonce · 30/10/2018 16:31

Some people don't want a live in when they have kids at home, no matter how much you love them, it's very disrupting and he's putting his kids first. Which is totally fine, but if it doesn't work for you then you need to move on. Personally, if I found myself single again I wouldn't want a live-in relationship again (I have a long history and have been married more than once) and would only want a relationship with someone who was fine with that.

Start making a life for yourself outside your DP and his kids.

RyderWhiteSwan · 30/10/2018 16:32

And there we have it. You do your best for them but end up cast out in the darkness. From what you say he maybe feels you are a housekeeper/nanny with sex as a bonus, rather than a partner

Changedname3456 · 30/10/2018 16:36

Did he make the arrangements clear at the start? Has he told you it’s never going to be more than it currently is?

beingniceiscool11 · 30/10/2018 16:36

I would let him miss you and don’t stay til 11pm on the nights you don’t sleep over. Only see him on the nights you sleep over, other nights see your friends or do activities like go to gym, yoga class, do stuff for you. Soon he will be missing you and wondering what you’re up to and he’ll be asking you to stay over more so he can see you. He’ll treat you how you accept being treated. If you’re happy to leave at 11pm, just hanging on for every last hour together and leaving back to cold empty house when you’d really naturally be falling asleep in a cosy bed at that time of night then.. well you’re acting like a part time wife / live in girlfriend and giving him all your evenings / time without him bringing you fully into his home & life. You’re letting it be in his terms and you’ve not left any chance for him to miss you or wonder what you’re up to. Sorry if I’ve read it wrong but that’s the impression I got from your post. He’s not inspired to ask you to move in as you basically live there part time & wasting money on the your own place and travelling whilst he gets all the benefits of his own space and not committing to sharing a home with you. If you’re fine with this carry on as if, but you’d don’t sound happy about the arrangement. I would lean right back and dont be cold with him,enjoy all your moments together and bring your best self - but get busy and do your own thing few evenings a week xx

woollyheart · 30/10/2018 16:41

It's not inconvenient for him or his children when you do home. So he is quite happy. You are there in the evenings and stay over when he wants more.

At the moment there is no reason for him to ask you to move in. He is perfectly happy with things as they are.

If this isn't enough for you, you may need to look elsewhere. Or make yourself less available so he has reason to want to change things.

donajimena · 30/10/2018 16:49

I don't want to live with my partner. I love my own space I love being by myself but I also enjoy spending time with him. I couldn't imagine having him in my space permanently.
However I do imagine him being in my life permanently. Fortunately we are on the same page. You are not and its up to you to decide how you wish to proceed.
I just wanted to share my point of view because just because someone doesn't want a live in partner it certainly doesn't mean the relationship isn't permanent.
I'd stop with the 11pm stays though. You need to have a life of your own. Maybe he feels a bit suffocated? X

Adora10 · 30/10/2018 16:50

You’re over invested and doing too much for them all, what’s he doing for you? Sorry but I think the set up suits him fine, he seems to have you at his beck and call, your whole life is them so no wonder you feels dejected when you leave, it sounds unhealthy. Get building up a life outside of him, that’s normal OP and gives you something other than his kids to talk about, you don’t want to be relying on just him for your social life.

wannabestressfree · 30/10/2018 17:09

I have been with my partner nearly nine years and we don't live together. It has nothing to do with his 'place' in my home or my heart but I have a house full of hormonal teenage boys (two of whom have aspergers) and we like our own space.
So just be honest and see what's said.

Original poster
Endofmyteather2206 · 30/10/2018 17:49

Thank you for the replies it does seem that I need to build my own personal life back up and get my own interests as well as have my life with DP and the kids. I really do want this to work as I love DP with all my heart.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 30/10/2018 17:56

I think you're not unreasonable for wishing it. He's also not unreasonable to not wish it.

You simply both have different wants and needs. You hate leaving, he likes it when you do and to have time to himself with his kids.

That's ok. But you need to decide if it's enough for you. You can't force it because it will likely end the relationship shortly after you move in and when real life intrudes. Laundry, money, tidying, cleaning, bills, the lot.

PolkaDoting · 30/10/2018 17:59

Does he love you with all his heart?

8FencingWire · 30/10/2018 18:03

OP, I made the mistake of agreeing for my then partner to move in with me. It was a mistake.
We both need our own spaces and time to parent our respective children.
Invest more in you and your home. See it as a safe, cosy, personal space where you recharge your batteries and gain perspective :)
Moving in would mean losing your space.