Suspect emotional infidelity and don't know what to do next

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Will try and keep this brief - have name changed.

Have been married for a while and have two kids.

Usual story - busy with kids and work, husband busy with work - not particularly intimate, both exhausted.

Don't know when I first became aware of his younger colleague - but saw a photo of them at work, sitting together, both looking very pleased with themselves. She had the photo taken and posted it to her FB account, tagging him in so it appeared on his too. She is very pretty, very young, just the kind of photo you really don't want to see when you're a lot older and at home with young kids.

Anyway I said as much to him when it appeared and he got quite defensive and soon afterwards shut down his account.

That left me with an uneasy feeling.... anyway soon afterwards for unrelated reasons he left the job and we moved to another town. He had a leaving party which he put a huge amount of effort in to at our house. She turned up and was quite funny with me, seemed to instantly recognise me and looked slightly sick. She gave me a very uneasy feeling looking back.

Another odd thing was one of his colleagues invited us over for dinner and asked him who he'd invited to his party and he listed all the names but didn't mention her. Then the colleague said 'and who else?' in a very pointed way and H looked at me and got quite flustered.

He always denied that anything went on and gets quite angry if I try and get him to talk about it. However he's gone out and I've just read his emails, which he left open and have found quite a few chats between them - one with her inviting him for coffee which he accepted, but never mentioned to me, and another from him inviting her to his leaving lunch - he told me she wasn't invited but he did invite her - along with about four other colleagues - and she accepted. He came home that night really drunk.

It's the lying and denying that bothers me. I have no reason to think that anything happened. He never really went out without me over that time period and is generally always around apart from a hobby one night a week, but I wonder what else I have missed and realise he hasn't really seen me as anything but mother of his kids/housewife for a very long time.

Part of me just feels like I don't trust him anymore. And like he has just designated me to the role of faithful boring wife while he is at work flirting with younger colleagues. It's so depressing.

Would love to hear from anyone who has been in this situation about wtf to do next.... leaving is always an option. He is out now with our kids and i feel like sending him a text telling him what I have found but at the same time I don't want to ruin the day for my kids. So am sitting here instead feeling completely .

There is no chance of further contact between them as we have moved so what it was has ended, but still I feel like I have been treated like an idiot. And also wondering if it was the reason he quit his job.

I was in a similar position but luckier than you in that the other person had no interest in him, I believe if she did he would be having a full blown affair by now. He too got defensive and denied it was anything other than totally innocent but again never told me about her until I found out by checking his phone. He was just different with me and had "checked out"
I told him there and then he had to sever contact which he has done I believe but it was also a wake up call to both of us to re focus on our relationship which had grown cold and in a lot of ways it has worked. However while he was always the one that cared more that is now no longer the case and there has definitely been a role reversal. I only found out 18 months in where as you have the opportunity to nip this in the bud now

Sounds like a terrible situation to be in but it also doesn't seem like something physical went on.
He probably began being funny with you about it because of the Facebook thing.

Are you both away from her and the situation now? Is it definitely over?
If so, then I would suggest counselling. Unless he realises why you're upset it will just continue to happen

desperatesux I know what you mean about 'checking out'. Months of just sitting on the couch, never organising a night out, no interest in sex. Also know what you mean about the role reversal. He has always seemed so loyal but actually he's just good at keeping quiet. Glad you have got through it though - i think it's normal in long term relationships and like you say a warning sign. Just sucks though.

anothernc123 yes i think it's over, we are well and truly away. I hadn't thought of counselling. thanks for replying.

This was my ex-OH. The denying and airbrushing the colleague out of things when I knew damn well she would be involved somewhere. I honestly believe in trusting your instincts. Although you have come across emails that would see fairly innocent if they were 'just' friends, I'd hazard they communicate in other forms. My ex did all his on whatsapp. I'd tell him your are not happy and why, exactly. Then ask if he would be open to attending counselling together. If he has any love and respect for you, he would go. Mine didn't want to, which spoke volumes. Good luck.

I know exactly how you feel OP, I had this back in 2005 and found a lot of texting going on , stupid amounts of it and he got very phone possessive. 21 year old co worker with whom he also has a lot of opportunity for it to be more. He got very defensive at the time and said she just texted a lot , friends and all that stuff, 11 years later found a load of written stuff/poems/songs he wrote in a drawer in his writing and clearly he had an intense infatuation. I also found evidence of coffee meet ups, pub drinks that he never mentioned on an old phone . He said it was just a crush that went a bit far and she was unaware. . Intensely hurtful I can tell you and it certainly buggered my trust as they had shared rooms on tour etc(music business) . I suspect this may be what you have on your hands, keep calm, nip it in the bud right now and get a new focus in there but keep your antenna up just in case it’s more. Even the nicest guys can be vulnerable towards an ego boost when feeling a bit down or bored

Uggggh. She really is just so obvious as well. He was telling me that another colleague was mentioning being really distracted by her (substantial) cleavage. And a real flirt, he would have been so obvious too, he's really not good at hiding his feelings. I can't stand him right now. Or her.

Yes to airbrushing her out of things. He actually mentioned going to the particular cafe but not going with her.

And his reaction when his colleague said 'and who else?' was so telling. I even suspect his colleague, who is a bit of a mentor, invited us over and included me (when H never introduced me to work colleagues) as a way of steering him away from an affair.

I know I'm going against the grain but I can't see what he's done wrong really.

Had an (innocent) photo taken that ended up on Facebook, with him tagged in it, so all open and freely available for you to see.

Had a leaving do that she was invited to, being one of his work colleagues.

A number of conversations that sound like two colleagues or friends catching up, nothing flirtatious or improper.

I suppose he lied about inviting her to an event, and keeps her name out of conversations with you, but given your reaction to the fb photo, I don't blame him.

If you feel dowdy, perhaps there are things you could do to improve your confidence.

If he is a terrible husband who doesn't appreciate you, or contributes to your lack of confidence, or if you don't love him, then you know what to do. But I don't see any evidence of an affair or improper relationship here, and my marriage ended due to an affair.

This happened to me. Some 6th sense about one particular colleague, 18 months of me being hyper aware led to me asking him to stop the private messages and stick to group stuff, he didn't. She WAS interested, in fact I believe was looking to leave her DH and was viewing my DH as her exit affair. She offered he panicked and backed off. That's when I over heard the conversation on the phone.
It never got physical but it was an emotional affair. It's damaged our relationship in so many ways. I may yet leave. Our therapist recommended Not Just Friends by a Dr Glass. It was basically about my husband. Opened his eyes to what he'd done more than I could. So sorry OP, it's a shit place to be in.

I too think the colleague was doing you a favor- highlighting it and hoping you would catch on and nip it in the bud before it escalated. Else why mention her to you and the pointed comment on who else he had invited.
I know when you read it out load it sounds like nothing or things that can easily be explained away but tbh if I hadn't sensed something was off I would be in a very different position now. He was also someone who absolutely was not the type but we are all vulnerable to attention by a younger more beautiful model

gloomymonday the photo didn't look innocent. It looked very cosy between them. His reaction was to instantly close his FB account which I though was odd.

the flirty messages are things like her asking him a question and him saying, better come and chat about it, step into my office haha and her saying okkkkk. More tone than anything but just a bit overfamiliar. Combined with very little interest/engagement with me.

but you're right in that i don't think it was a physical affair. I need to think about my kids so will keep your words in mind though.

thanks bodabing I will look for that book

I get you Bodabing, it changes totally your perception of being 100% special to them and the feeling they are immune from this kind of ego boosting. I am way more cynical these days , which is sad. ‘Just good friends,’ ha!! It was so horribly on the nail it upset me.

Sounds like a mutual crush that didn't go any further because your husband knows he is married to you. He didn't mention her because he knew you had sensed feelings between them and didn't want to have a conversation/start a fight about it. It's hurtful, and the lying isn't ok, but these attractions to others do happen. He should have distanced himself, but allowed himself a little indulgence by the sounds of it, while keeping on what he felt was the right side of fidelity.

They still work together and she still whinges that he has her blocked on his social media and phone because she 'thinks of funny stuff at the weekend that he'd like'. The thing with these EAs is how they colour everything in your life. No friend should be more important than the partner you're commited to. Why can't they just put them down and walk away before it gets messy.
The book helped us both. It may not suit everyone but was bang on the money for us!

Just thinking is this the future? Always having to be on guard with some younger model. Or do I end it amicably now and give myself the chance to find someone more trustworthy. We have grown apart a lot and function well as a team but it's pretty unromantic a lot of the time. Maybe that's just midlife though.

I wouldn't think that, I certainly think its worth having an open conversation and trying to get things back on track. We won't ever be the same and I will never trust him like I did but in a lot of ways we are far better and happier than we once were. I also know if anything like this happened again I would be gone and he knows that too.

Yes desperate maybe you are right. Definitely feel like trying to get some space and some 'me' back so if it does happen again I will be ok on my own. Glad you are happier and stronger, marriage is hard.

Thanks chippy you are wiser than me right now

I echo desperatesux, it doesn't have to be the future but I think you both need to be open about the past. You've been upset and not been listened to or your opinion valued, probably because like my DH 'he had it all under control'. Control or not honesty and communication need to continue so you feel he understood where you were coming from and so you feel reassured that he will guard against such a friendship in future. Ultimately if you have to hide a friendship for whatever reason from your partner it's not good!

From what you’ve said OP I suspect it was physical. I think a lot of people convince themselves that their OH ‘only’ had an EA (not in part because that’s what their OH will want them to believe) Absolutely trust your gut. I was in your place and can relate to Bodabing. My soon to be ex H had one of these workplace ego boost/flirty friendships with a young colleague that was never meant to ‘go further’ untill it did. Sometimes you can give someone everything and still it’s not enough and a quick ego boost and a shag is worth the risk. He shagged her at work. Lied about it coz he thought he’d lose me (funny that) then did it again (and I caught them) She knew exactly what she wanted from him and couldn’t believe it when he dropped her like a hot potato after I found out.Im finally filing after 2 years. The trust has gone .A physical affair has to start somewhere and there’s only so long before an EA or even just a flirty friendship will stay just that. I hope I’m wrong and your H is only at the top of the slippery slope. Good luck x

Oh God betty that is horrible. I wonder if this was physical too. He has just said that he lied about her being at his leaving drinks - which started at lunch judging on the invite but he didn't get home till 10. But he invited her so not only did he lie about her being there, he also didn't mention to me he had invited her (I saw the email invite). Our DC also had friends over that night so I was very busy organising that and in retrospect that suited him just fine to have me unavailable. I have been doing all of the emotional work in the last few years, he has just coasted. He told me to come home so we can talk but he has been out the last two nights so I am going to go see a movie and have a cry. I just don't trust him anymore, God knows what has been going on. Anyway thanks to all for commenting, it helps

Sounds to me like a mutual attraction. And, whilst I acknowledge there’s nothing wrong in a person having their head turned and flirting, lying by omission/skimming the truth to your spouse is downright disrespectful. And that’s what you’re dealing with here.

I do think this is one of the many tests on a marriage. And it’s a really difficult one.

I can totally relate to feeling like the predictable grumpy wife at home doing at the boring domestic stuff (that’s how I feel at times) whilst they are off having fun, furthering their career.

I think there may be a place here for couples counselling. How has your marriage arrived at this place whereby he thinks he can fob you off with lies?

Meanwhile could you work on rediscovering YOU; not Mum, not wife, but YOU? Do you work? If not could you consider work - paid or voluntary? Join a group where you get out of the house and out of your wife/Mum roles. Reconnect with old friends; even arrange a girly trip.

Good luck OP. Found myself in a similar situation whereby my OH has lied to me and it’s seriously pissed me off.

Btw I’d screenshot those messages because if he’s anything like my OH he’ll minimise/deny and possibly even gaslight which just adds insult to injury.

His reaction was to instantly close his FB account which I though was odd.

I can’t see why anyone act like this over an innocent photo or over a simple a mutual attraction. It does sound suspicious. Always best to trust your gut Op.

Trust your gut OP. H did all the things your’s is doing/has done. He went out a handful of times and would leave her out when I asked Who was going/went. When I found out he deflected of course, said he didn’t want to upset me. Most his communication with her outside of their day to day was in Snapchat. He’d tell me she was one of the guys (male dominated work place) and just a friend. He worked later and later. He would alternate between making me great and making me feel awful. Some days he wouldn’t even talk to me. But the one thing that was constant was our sex life. People often say it’s because the sex has dwindled but that wasn’t the case for us. He simply wasn’t strong enough to say no to a quickie.It was a full year of a creeping feeling that something was wrong before I caught them. They had been flirting up a storm for 6months or so properly before they slept together. He was a weak fool that threw his family away over someone that in the end he realised he didn’t give two shits over in the real world. Of course I was angry with him mostly,but she knew me, our kids, and pursued him. In hindsight I should have stood up for myself faster. But I hate confrontation and the more my gut told me the more I sort of gave THEM space! Crazy I know! I guess I knew he would always tell me I had nothing to worry about and make me out to be jealous and crazy..