Suspect emotional infidelity and don't know what to do next

[escapehatchneeded]

Will try and keep this brief - have name changed.

Have been married for a while and have two kids.

Usual story - busy with kids and work, husband busy with work - not particularly intimate, both exhausted.

Don't know when I first became aware of his younger colleague - but saw a photo of them at work, sitting together, both looking very pleased with themselves. She had the photo taken and posted it to her FB account, tagging him in so it appeared on his too. She is very pretty, very young, just the kind of photo you really don't want to see when you're a lot older and at home with young kids.

Anyway I said as much to him when it appeared and he got quite defensive and soon afterwards shut down his account.

That left me with an uneasy feeling.... anyway soon afterwards for unrelated reasons he left the job and we moved to another town. He had a leaving party which he put a huge amount of effort in to at our house. She turned up and was quite funny with me, seemed to instantly recognise me and looked slightly sick. She gave me a very uneasy feeling looking back.

Another odd thing was one of his colleagues invited us over for dinner and asked him who he'd invited to his party and he listed all the names but didn't mention her. Then the colleague said 'and who else?' in a very pointed way and H looked at me and got quite flustered.

He always denied that anything went on and gets quite angry if I try and get him to talk about it. However he's gone out and I've just read his emails, which he left open and have found quite a few chats between them - one with her inviting him for coffee which he accepted, but never mentioned to me, and another from him inviting her to his leaving lunch - he told me she wasn't invited but he did invite her - along with about four other colleagues - and she accepted. He came home that night really drunk.

It's the lying and denying that bothers me. I have no reason to think that anything happened. He never really went out without me over that time period and is generally always around apart from a hobby one night a week, but I wonder what else I have missed and realise he hasn't really seen me as anything but mother of his kids/housewife for a very long time.

Part of me just feels like I don't trust him anymore. And like he has just designated me to the role of faithful boring wife while he is at work flirting with younger colleagues. It's so depressing.

Would love to hear from anyone who has been in this situation about wtf to do next.... leaving is always an option. He is out now with our kids and i feel like sending him a text telling him what I have found but at the same time I don't want to ruin the day for my kids. So am sitting here instead feeling completely .

There is no chance of further contact between them as we have moved so what it was has ended, but still I feel like I have been treated like an idiot. And also wondering if it was the reason he quit his job.

I don’t get a good gut feeling for you OP re the jokey comments re ‘step into my office ‘ , you tend to know someone really well to make those kind of flirty jokey comments. This could all be ‘one sided’ on his part but it would certainly have my antenna up , along with the Facebook account closing for no reason. It may be something and nothing but I would keep your eye on odd behaviour

escapehatchneeded
I see this much, much differently. You get yourself out there Missy, stop fricking sitting there letting him
taking up your headspace, you have (as I have too, just a few years along) made the mistake of over thinking, my lovely OH made me feel crazy because he and her were inappropriate ,they texted, met up and then had a one night shag in a hotel room. My reaction is something I never want to revisit and I absolutely never will. Dignity all the way. That's my advice for you OP, Dignity xxx

Betty is right re the physical stuff. I only know my DH didn't go that far as I saw all the texts BUT it only lasted 4 weeks. I would be a fool to believe that that is not where it was going. If he is not being fully open how will you ever know, and the not knowing, and the imagination are horrible.

Also like Babycow says, look after yourself. I decided I was making no decision for 6 months. That took some pressure off me and put it all on him. He had to ease all my fears and answer every question I had. We both went to therapy. When I make that decision I want to make it knowing that ive thought it through not rushed it (we have DC). BUT even after 6 months I have no idea if in a year, two, I suddenly realise it's no good. Don't pressure yourself to make a decision, don't beg him but do as much that you need to to feel like you've kept your head high but haven't rushed it. Everything is spinning in your head and the emotions are all over the place, that's normal. He needs to listen to you without getting cross. Even if you are making things up and he's been good he should still owe you the love and courtesy to listen and talk, he's your partner.

Thanks all for this advice. Got home last night and he was in tears, denying any wrongdoing & admitting he shouldn't have lied about her being there. I remembered though that he came home that night and initiated sex which is very unlike him. Not sure what to think of that.

I also remembered overhearing him telling his friend that there are some very good looking women at his work. That was years ago but I remember being shocked at how different he was when he didn't think I could hear him.

He is adamant nothing happened and the only reason he lied is because I would have been upset.

Don't know what to think but agree that overthinking won't help and I need to focus on my work and independence. Luckily I have maintained my career so can build on it. Just feel sad, like I have lost someone I genuinely believed was 100% on my side.

Yes it’s that loss of 100% trust that I found very very difficult, it’s like you see them through different eyes

I would be deeply suspicious of the crying, I mean seriously !!! Would bet my bottom dollar now that something physical happened and he is now just realizing that you may have copped it and what he stands to lose
Time for some serious digging I think

there is not much more to dig - if anything happened it's in the past. We were busy with the kids all day and he has gone to bed in another room.

Before we moved we were arguing about her and he told me that they were just friends, had good banter, she was 'bubbly' whatever the fuck that means and that's all there was to it.

But he has just been so absent and grumpy for so long, totally disengaged, and when she came to our house she looked at me so oddly, like she was almost frightened - but in theory she wouldn't have even known who I was as we have never met.

anyway I have been working today and tomorrow I am going to get out and do some stuff. To be honest I think our relationship actually ended a while back in all but name - he has made zero effort with me for ages but i was just too busy to notice it slowly sliding away to nothing. His father was a cheat and had a docile wife who turned a blind eye, think he has turned out the same.

And yes the crying just felt manipulative. I am easily guilted into feeling bad and he knows that. think he has given up tonight. Part of me just thinks it would be easier without him. He's hard work and old fashioned and treats me like the little wife. Feel like I have had a big wake up call.

Maybe there is another future possibility - if you still want it/him? It might be that this is the moment that reminds him that you are worth holding on to, that wakes him up to what he's put at risk. It could provide an opportunity to rebuild the relationship. Sounds as if both of you had checked out, not just your OH. It's surely worth trying some counselling to see if you can both find your way back to whatever it was that brought you together in the first place? Hope you make it. Single parenting can be tough for everyone.

The initiating sex thing is often due to guilt, or because his affair has ignited his sexual side. I think having an emotional affair is harder than a mistake one night stand tbh, it's the infatuation, lust and desire over a period of time that erodes trust. I really think he should explain fully what happened and may be get on counselling asap.

Sadly being loyal and raising children doesn't seem enough for some husbands (such as my ex).

Thanks all. oldstyle your comments really cut through all the overthinking and made sense. Just what I needed to hear. Thank you!

I agree with Oldstyle - this may be a wake up call. You recognise yourself that things had got stale and boring. Unfortunately he had someone at work right in front of his face who was attractive and flirty. Who knows what you might have done if you had had the same?!

She's gone. If you can have an honest chat and clear the air. If you can both be committed to putting some effort into your relationship then things could be great between you. I am not underestimating the pain of him fancying someone else but it does sound like he didn't actually go to bed with her thank god.

I really wish you well - this must happen to millions of people out there. Marriage is tough.