How do people achieve and then sustain serial monogamy?

[usernamefromhell]

This is something I've always been genuinely curious about as so many people seem to do this and I'm the exact opposite. Whenever a relationship has ended for me its left my self-esteem so decimated that it has been literally years before I was capable of being in another relationship, even casually. In every case where I've been in a reasonably committed relationship its been 3 years minimum before I was up to being in another one.

I've always felt so ugly, so totally unlovable and so "wrong" for a relationship that it would be impossible to attract even a rubbish partner, let alone a decent one in that post relationship period. I am getting on a bit now but reasonably conventionally attractive and well-liked, but for most of my existence I've really struggled with the idea that anyone would want to be in a committed relationship with me and its only during periods when my self-esteem is unusually strong that I've been able to imagine that anyone would want to be seen in public with me.

Obviously this is my hang-up, not reality and I have done a fair bit of work on it over the years to get over it but I can't be the only one who feels like this?

The thing I don't get is that here are so many stories on here and in real life (we all know them) of women who have been through domestic abuse or who generally have very damaged self esteem who seem to go straight from one relationship into another?

I know this is not a good thing and that often its a crutch for people who are scared of being alone - I'm not suggesting its a good thing or that I want to achieve it. But my point is how does this even work? How do people with terribly low self-esteem manage to attract mates? Even rubbish, abusive ones. I'm genuinely bemused.

Because the rubbish abusive mates can see the woman's vulnerability and can take advantage of them. It is not a true relationship

I echo bichonbaby also some women feel they aren't complete without a man, even a rubbish one.

bichon I can see how that works in very abusive relationships where the vulnerability is a draw to manipulative people. But you do get tons of people in normal life who are not necessarily damaged but just jump from one partner to the next and in some cases line the next one up before jumping. How on earth does that work?

I used to do this! I've been with DH for ages, so it's not really relevant now, but when I was younger (from age 15 to 22 when I met DH) I was never single for longer than a couple of months. I had three serious relationships in that time.

I'm not sure why really. I definitely don't have low self esteem or feel that I need a partner to be complete. None of these relationships were abusive.

I think it was really simple - if I was single and there was a man I was interested in, I would just give it a try. Then the relationship would develop into something stronger (I'm quite easy going and get on well with different kinds of people - I certainly don't believe in "soulmates") so before I knew it I'd be in another serious relationship.

Because some people value being in a relationship.

That sounds simplistic but I’ll try to explain. If you were hungry, you would eat. You might want something you enjoy but if you were really hungry you wouldn’t be fussy.

For some people a relationship is like that, they need it. For others a relationship is like, I don’t know, a glass of wine on the flight; a nice optional extra.

escolar OK but how did you achieve that? If I'd pursued a new relationship in the immediate aftermath of one finishing I would have been rejected by everyone I'd have gone for - no-one would have touched me with a bargepole so it would have been impossible to have had a relationship.

continuallycharging but you see I used to value being in a relationship hugely (less so as I've got older) but could never achieve it. I always used to look around me at people who could have long-term relationships and feel so jealous of them. I felt that this something I was shut out from and excluded from by design in some way. It was only in very unusual circumstances that I felt good enough about myself that anyone was actually attracted to me.

I feel quite differently nowaways and can really see the benefits of being on my own -- in many ways its actually preferable. But I still marvel at these people who come out of marriages and then find someone to date. I could not have done that if my life had depended on it. Still couldn't.

I've never really been single from about the age of 14, honestly one of the biggest regrets in my life. I had a horrible time with bullying at school and university and boyfriends provided and escape from that, my extremely low self esteem from the bullying wasn't a great recipe for improving things for me, I was such an obvious and easy target. I was resolute that I would be single for a bit after I ended a truly terrible four year relationship at university, but it didn't happen, and a few years later discovered I was pregnant with DD. I wish I had been more independent at an earlier age and actually enjoyed being myself not part of a couple, having suffered with MH issues since my early teens I almost feel I never found out who I am, and now I have to do that as a mother and a wife. It breaks my heart to think of my daughter ending up like me, because it is incredibly pathetic how I've turned out. I do think if I'd had just one solid friendship things would have been different, and I wonder if this is a factor for others and follows a cycle. Abusive boyfriend isolates you from friends then you exit the relationship with no support from said friends, easy for another man to come in with a sympathetic ear to take advantage and the cycle continues. I would have taken a group of friends over any man, but it's much much harder in my experience to start up a friendship than a sexual relationship.

I do know now that should my relationship with DP break down I would never ever live with a man again.

I would have been rejected by everyone...they wouldn't have touched me with a barge pole

I guess because you thought this, you didn't try, or consciously or unconsciously put up barriers because that's what you expected, but it may not have been the truth. I have gone from one monogamous relationship to another in the past, I think because I didn't feel my self-esteem never really took a battering at the end of the first one - my feelings were usually more along the lines of well, maybe it wasn't meant to be, he will regret breaking up with me, his loss, onwards and upwards, plenty of fish in the sea and that kind of self-talk. So I had no reason to expect rejection by others if you see what I mean, I think that came across when meeting a new partner.

Not everyone has low self esteem and thinks they are ugly.

I had a good number long term relationships before my marriage and although I had periods of self reflection when I became single I didn't universally hate myself. I just got on with some dates and at some point seeking out the next partner.

I wouldn't say I particularly rushed into it or particularly felt I couldn't.

Some things that are a big deal to some are not to others.

I would have been rejected by everyone...they wouldn't have touched me with a barge pole

Probably only true in your head

Neither could I OP but I don’t have many opportunities to meet men.

I agree with Xiao - the fact that you were sure you'd be rejected is probably why you were rejected! If you approach a new relationship with a fairly casual "let's see if this works out" attitude then I think it's more likely to work out. You sound like quite a serious, intense person? I think can make the early, fun stages of a fledgling relationship quite stressful for both of you.

I think for me gaps are healthy. If im deeply involved in someone Im v emotionally committed and tied up so I need a period to get over/grieve/resettle. I dont think rebound relationships are usually a good idea.

I guess if you arent as deeply involved emotionally/lives aren't intertwined yet then its an easier thing to move on from? Maybe more of a personality type thing. People that "need" a relationship perhaps value just being with someone rather than the person themsleves. Or can just flit around?

xiaoxiong boiledeggs I supposed I have always expected rejection in relationships. I never had a sense of being good enough for anyone and always expected a) never to be chosen and b) to be dumped fairly immediately if chosen. I don't really know where this came from but its pretty much been the state of play all my life. And not one relationship has failed to live up to this.

silkypyjamas this is exactly what I mean I'm sorry you went through this and this abusive cycle, it sounds very damaging. And I don't in any way want to suggest its something desirable. But I couldn't have done this I just wouldn't have been attractive enough, even to an abusive man, at that point in my life, let alone again and again.

Have you never felt good enough for anyone?.

Do you think your parents instilled this whole idea in you, what were they like towards you as a child?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

I've always been the 'long break' type so i don't know. I tend to socialise more with women, so by simple mathematics when i've wanted a relationship i've had to go and pursue it - i haven't been asked out on the initiative of a man i wasn't pursuing since 1991, and i proposed to both my husbands. I don't think i'm ugly but i am also not attractive - ordinary would be the word, plain sometimes.

I am desperate for a partner at the moment but also aware enough to know that the desperation is because i'm grieving. Once i stop feeling so intensely, i will probably be ok to date but im not sure whether i will - by past experience it will be up to me, and i'm not sure i can face the effort. I'm assuming though that if i socialised a lot in more mixed company, i would get some kind of approach at some time?? Then if i liked being in relationships i guess i would probably go along with that. So i guess it's a lot about opportunity.

I have always felt like you OP: not been able to understand how people ever find partners, dates, ONSs, people to have tawdry affairs with?

It seems so inconceivable to me. Boys and men were never interested in me, didn't really seem to recognise that I was a girl and then a woman. I felt so unattractive until I met my husband, and I thought there must be something wrong with me, as everyone else seemed to be constantly finding girlfriends and boyfriends.

For men and women often living on your own is not an option due to high rent and mortgages. Not a great answer but true for many.

Im with escolar, right now at 32 ive been single for 8mo and its the longest i have since 18 - there usually wasnt a gap between men. I dont particularly want or need a relationship and i think they found that attractive. It never occurred to me that people would reject me if fresh out of a relationship, and they never even asked! If somebody wants you, it doesnt matter about what went before.

Slightly different situation for me but I also don’t understand how some people jump so easily from one relationship to the next. I don’t have low self esteem, I don’t think I’m ugly - in fact I think I’m pretty attractive - but I can’t find a boyfriend for love nor money. Not for lack of trying - I’ve been on countless tinder dates but to a man, never felt a spark with any of them. But none of them even pursued me afterwards so the feeling must always have been mutual! The few guys I’ve liked in the past couple of years have all decided they ‘don’t want a relationship’ a few weeks in. I have no idea how people find men that are uncomplicated and want to pursue a relationship, I have no idea where these people are! But having said that I don’t feel incomplete or lacking without being in a relationship, it would be a bonus and not a necessity

People are different, OP. What doesn't work for you does work for others.

Not sure what else there is to be said on this one.

OK but how did you achieve that? If I'd pursued a new relationship in the immediate aftermath of one finishing I would have been rejected by everyone I'd have gone for - no-one would have touched me with a bargepole so it would have been impossible to have had a relationship

I deal well with break ups, even if it has crushed me and I’m heartbroken I’m pretty good at getting on with life pretty quickly. I block the guy, focus on my life, don’t dwell, and get back out there enjoying my life and having fun, not to find a new mate but to just get back into the swing of being single and doing stuff without a partner. So if I meet someone new they don’t see a quivering wreck who is emotionally still hung up on the split, they see a confident me who is enjoying my freedom.

Maybe that’s the difference? If it hits you really hard you’re not gonna be in the right place to meet someone. But there are lots of things you can do to get over the heart break and not wallow or get dragged down.

I met my current partner three weeks after my previous relationship ended (my ex dumped me after a few years but it was for the best even though it hurt a lot), I wasn’t looking for something serious but we met and clicked and it went from there. He was a bit wary as I’d only been single a few weeks but quickly realised I’d dealt with the split and was in a good place and it developed from there. I’d already been on a few dates too, nothing serious but just getting out there in my new city and meeting people to have fun and look around the place. I’m not afraid to be alone, I’ve loved the times when I’m single, but that’s probably because it’s always been a choice to be single, when I’ve wanted to find a partner I’ve never failed so that’s different to being unhappily alone feeling you can’t meet anyone.

My self esteem is good too. Have you ever tried to improve yours?

Your self esteem is the issue that sticks out to me. You seem to hate yourself (although you are working on it).
You have no idea what every man in the world wants in a partner and to say that no one would have wanted you is unlikely to be true.
Saying that, I think a gap is healthy so you can rediscover yourself as you are without ex, but not everyone does. Horses for courses.
Please keep working on your self worth, if you don’t rate yourself, others are less likely to

For reasons I won't go in to I had very low self esteem when I was younger, had abusive relationship after abusive relationship, hated being single so would jump in to a relationship either before the previous one ended or almost immediately afterwards.

Fortunately I didn't have those self esteem issues in my career, have always been really confident about my abilities and have had a long and successful career.

I have no idea why I was able to hold my head up in the workplace yet not in my personal life. I tolerated violence, sexual aggression, demeaning and emotionally abusive behaviour for years.

Then I met my husband, and for the first time in my life, I genuinely fell in love. The marriage didn't last because it was no different from any of the other relationships, I just think I had had enough of being in dysfunctional relationships.

Since then I've barely dated (13 years) and if I so much as sniff a red flag, I am out. I think I've carved such a stable, somewhat content life and I never want to go back to the horrendous ups and downs I've put myself through before.

I think every woman is different, some need to comfort and reliability of being in a relationship, some don't, some want the financial security, some just want to know they've got a partner whose got their back.

In my experience, even people who look sorted on the outside, may have issues they keep well hidden.

Now we as women have so much more freedom to pick and choose, it is interesting that we do prefer relationships and in many cases ANY RELATIONSHIP but that is changing.

My ex was the type who was never single from what I gather, she often told me about her partners from before she was married. She was with her ex-husband for around 12 years (married to him for 10). When she divorced him last year she started seeing someone else within a month. She split with him and we got together fairly soon after that, she wanted to have a break after 4 months of seeing me and I agreed... I reached out to her after 3 weeks of that break and she told me she was already seeing someone else but she ended things with him to get back together with me. We only lasted a further month and I clocked that she was messaging other guys whilst together with me, it was pretty obvious she ended things with me to explore it further with one or more of the guys she was messaging and I think there was an overlap.