How do people achieve and then sustain serial monogamy?

[usernamefromhell]

This is something I've always been genuinely curious about as so many people seem to do this and I'm the exact opposite. Whenever a relationship has ended for me its left my self-esteem so decimated that it has been literally years before I was capable of being in another relationship, even casually. In every case where I've been in a reasonably committed relationship its been 3 years minimum before I was up to being in another one.

I've always felt so ugly, so totally unlovable and so "wrong" for a relationship that it would be impossible to attract even a rubbish partner, let alone a decent one in that post relationship period. I am getting on a bit now but reasonably conventionally attractive and well-liked, but for most of my existence I've really struggled with the idea that anyone would want to be in a committed relationship with me and its only during periods when my self-esteem is unusually strong that I've been able to imagine that anyone would want to be seen in public with me.

Obviously this is my hang-up, not reality and I have done a fair bit of work on it over the years to get over it but I can't be the only one who feels like this?

The thing I don't get is that here are so many stories on here and in real life (we all know them) of women who have been through domestic abuse or who generally have very damaged self esteem who seem to go straight from one relationship into another?

I know this is not a good thing and that often its a crutch for people who are scared of being alone - I'm not suggesting its a good thing or that I want to achieve it. But my point is how does this even work? How do people with terribly low self-esteem manage to attract mates? Even rubbish, abusive ones. I'm genuinely bemused.

Because OP some people make it their life’s work to go around finding a new partner, they think about and talk about bugger all else (and actually I feel become a bit of a one trick pony). If you are on dating sites all the time etc and get yourself out there and don’t have mega mega standards, you will always find ‘someone’. However the discerning and fussy amongst mumsnetters aren’t looking for ‘just anyone’ and many on here would rather not have anyone at all in their life at certain points in time than total losers/abusers/tosspots/cocklodgers

I have had two very long term relationships and a couple of boyfriends in between plus a year of no relationships.

I have never ever felt I must have a partner and just pootled around doing as I pleased.

You do sound very negative, I'm not saying you have no right to feel down or upset but it unfortunately repels people. I come across as a positive person regardless of how I feel inside, well that's what I have been told.

Instead of looking for a partner work on how you feel about yourself and do some things for you. If you focus purely on finding a partner what would you have to talk about.

I've had two relationships back to back starting from a young age, my take from those experiences was I really don't need a man or a relationship to have a good life and I do very well if not better on my own.
haven't been spooned in years

I never consciously thought of need to be in a relationship but maybe felt it was a normal thing to do, it is but it's also a choice and not mandatory.

I think it's really ingrained into society that their are life steps to take and one of them is relationships, so if one doesn't work you might hop to the next if you can and then some.

I'm probably more selfish(selfishly single) now but that's OK I'm single so it doesn't affect anyone. I value myself over any potential relationship.

I think you’ve answered your own question OP. Put bluntly, if you set the bar low enough I think it’s not hard to find someone to partner up with for the moment. Whether it’s someone with attractive and positive qualities is a different matter altogether!

I don’t think you should see it as a negative that you have breaks between relationships. I think it’s pretty healthy; you need to time to reflect, regroup and move on. If you didn’t want the relationship to end you are more vulnerable and it’s perhaps even more important to give yourself time to mend, but even if it was your choice to break up, I think time being single again to take stock is important.

I tend to feel wary of people who just move from relationship to relationship; it makes me feel they’ve a fear of being just themself, even temporarily.

I had a really shit childhood and then was a serial monogamist. Luckily most of the men were really good guys with a few duds along the way but none remotely awful. I am happily married now but I would definitely be on my own for a while if we were ever to split. I have mostly got my shit together.

Thanks everyone, some really interesting replies.

With respect, I think some of you have slightly missed the point. AdverseCamber this isn't an "I want a boyfriend" rant -- on balance I'm very happy that I haven't lurched from one relationship to another and think its generally made for a healthier life. In general I feel more comfortable single than in relationships, I would just like to feel a bit more "agency" over my own decisions and to feel that a relationship would be an option should I want one.

My self esteem is probably a factor here but the negativity I may have shown here is for context for mn, never on public display and in fact one of my hard rules is to never ever show any vulnerability, never cling, never chase.

It's more a broader question: why is it that for some people low self-esteem manifests itself in attaching yourself to anyone who is around and for others it means shunning attachment.

attila you raised the question of what I witnessed in my parents' marriage and its not that straightforward: on the one hand my parents were reasonably happily married, very stably, for many years and there was genuine love shown. On the other, my mother had quite low self-esteem and was very frustrated about having to give her career up when she had children -- she lost her sense of self a lot in the marriage. And my dad had affairs. But it was by no means an abusive marriage. And my parents were loving towards me and did everything to support my self esteem.

My sense of not being "right" for relationships is something that has more or less always been with me. I always had this very strong sense that I was never what people wanted, there was always someone better/more attractive than me. It's pretty much innate in me, to be honest and when I am in relationships its always felt like an anomaly. I guess I'd just like to get to the bottom of why I feel like this when most people clearly don't.

Most people don't need 3 years as a recovery period after a relationship. I think most people do need a recovery period, it's essential, those that rush in are damaging themselves, but yours is too long.
I guess the real issue here is your chronic self esteem. You need help adjusting that.

I was always happily single, but always looking for a proper meaningful relationship. Always knew I was not good looking, but scrubbed up well and knew I was a nice person, so never had esteem issues.

So glad I met Dh though! Couldn't bear the thought of dating again.

oblomov after my marriage ended I really relished being single and my self esteem felt pretty good. But after a while it becomes difficult to imaging not being single and then you become stuck in a negative feedback loop where because you're single you think you're destined to be single forever and that there is something about you which keeps you in a state of singledom. Does anyone else have this?

I've got to the point where I find it hard to face people I know quite well as I don't want their pity or to feel them internally wondering why I am still single or gossiping behind my back about it. If I could I would switch my entire social circle/friendship circle and reinvent myself so I could pretend to be someone completely new :)