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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is shouting in the car domestic abuse?

38 replies

Lovelymum2 · 29/10/2018 21:31

My husband drank more than I would like him to and starting shouting at me in the car about how controlling I am by keeping a watch on his drinking - I said drinking nearly a bottle of wine is not normal! Our arguments always are about alcohol and it is getting annoying and I want to leave him! Although he is not an alcoholic he has an autoimmune condition which makes drinking really harmful for him. I am fed up of being the parent and having to keep an eye on him

OP posts:
greendale17 · 29/10/2018 21:32

No shouting in the car in this instance isn’t domestic abuse

EmmaC78 · 29/10/2018 21:36

No. It is not a nice thing for him to do but it is not domestic abuse.

Babykoala1 · 29/10/2018 21:36

No, what you have said sounds like an arguement.

MyKingdomForBrie · 29/10/2018 21:37

I mean it depends what he's shouting, it doesn't sound like it but if he's being really abusive or threatening then that's different.

formerbabe · 29/10/2018 21:37

I said drinking nearly a bottle of wine is not normal!

I'm pretty much tee total but I can assure you judging by people I know, that drinking nearly a whole bottle of wine is perfectly normal.

Although he is not an alcoholic he has an autoimmune condition which makes drinking really harmful for him

He's an adult...he must know the risks. It's his choice however stupid that may be.

And no, I don't think shouting in the car is domestic abuse. It can be dangerous though as it's distracting whilst you're driving I'm sure.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 29/10/2018 21:37

Sounds like a row to me, but it’s obviously upset you a lot if you’re asking this.

Is there anything else going on that would make you see this argument differently?

DuchessStabby · 29/10/2018 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lovelymum2 · 29/10/2018 21:39

I have decided to ignore him for the rest of the week and he can organise his own food/ life so I can’t be called controlling

OP posts:
RoboJesus · 29/10/2018 21:39

Absolutely not. Not even close.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 29/10/2018 21:40

I said drinking nearly a bottle of wine is not normal

Obviously your DH is being irresponsible as far as his health goes, but drinking a bottle of wine over an evening isn’t out of the ordinary in the slightest and I am probably a lot smaller than your DH (and more of a lightweight Grin)

Original poster
Lovelymum2 · 29/10/2018 21:41

I think being called controlling just pushed my buttons and no he didn’t threaten and yes he was a twat having a row.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 29/10/2018 21:43

I totally get that- you’re just worried about his health so calling you controlling will be really hurtful.

It doesn’t sound like he is drinking to excess though, is he really not meant to drink anything? If you didn’t say anything about it would he regulate himself or go nuts and drink everything in sight?

formerbabe · 29/10/2018 21:44

I have decided to ignore him for the rest of the week

It's only Monday though.....

Original poster
Lovelymum2 · 29/10/2018 21:44

Thanks for your answers - probably over reacting...

OP posts:
HelenUrth · 29/10/2018 21:44

So you're going to ignore him for days as a punishment?
Do you know that giving the Silent Treatment is a form of abuse?

Spotsbeforemyeyes · 29/10/2018 21:45

Ignoring him for the rest of the week won’t help though will it? If the boot was on the other foot posters would be up in arms about that.

Original poster
Lovelymum2 · 29/10/2018 21:46

He is not supposed to drink at all. Doesn’t at home but recently has been drinking on social occasions much more than what I would call a socialable amount ie 1 or 2 gins.

OP posts:
Spotsbeforemyeyes · 29/10/2018 21:46

helenurth that’s what what i was trying to say. You said it clearer

MattBerrysHair · 29/10/2018 21:47

I have decided to ignore him for the rest of the week and he can organise his own food/ life so I can’t be called controlling

But you can be called petulant and childish instead. Ignoring or stonewalling is manipulative and controlling too.

Spotsbeforemyeyes · 29/10/2018 21:48

WHAT YOu call a sociable amount, ie 1-2 gins is different to what your neighbour might call sociable.

I get that you’re concerned but it’s not your place to tell him what to do. He’s an adult who understands the consequences of his actions.

Original poster
Lovelymum2 · 29/10/2018 21:49

It’s modified ignoring ie polite conversation but no more. I have refused to go out socially with him til I get a proper apology.

OP posts:
Spotsbeforemyeyes · 29/10/2018 21:51

If you want to leave him then do.

Do you have children?

Original poster
Lovelymum2 · 29/10/2018 21:53

I think I am gong to consult a divorce lawyer kids all grown and we have not been happy for a while.

OP posts:
sweatthesmallstuff · 29/10/2018 21:57

I think I am gong to consult a divorce lawyer kids all grown and we have not been happy for a while.
I think you need to take 5 here
You say drinking a bottle of wine is not normal
1 or 2 gins is too much
And because you had a argument you are asking if it's abuse .
Sorry but You are very controlling how about you stop being unreasonable and if you are genuinely concerned for his health speak to him properly,

Quartz2208 · 29/10/2018 21:57

Your relationship sounds toxic (and your behaviour sounds pretty bad in all of this as well)

You did try to control him, you are ignoring him and now you are refusing to do something unless he modifies his behaviour to suit you - you sound more abusive than him (unless there is about to be a drip feed)

Drinking a bottle of wine in a social situation can be quite normal in todays culture

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