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Original poster

Heartbroken and thinking whats the point

40 replies

gmagnt · 29/10/2018 20:11

some background:
My Dad died last week, I'm heartbroken as he was my favourite person in my life
I'm living in the UK but am Irish, funeral in Ireland.

My other half did not attend the funeral - I'm in shock. If it were the other way around I would not think twice about attending his parent's funeral.

Also, arrived home yesterday, it was my birthday. No card. No small gift.
Am thinking whats the point in any of this.

A partner means being in someone's corner surely.

For the record, money is not an issue -i.e. he could have afforded to come to the funeral & his work would have understood.
Right now I feel like walking out from my partner, my job,my life & going back to Ireland with my tail between my legs.

OP posts:
Sammysees · 29/10/2018 20:19

You are obviously (and rightly) upset. I wouldn’t make any knee jerk decisions. Have you spoken to him about why he didn’t come to the funeral?

Original poster
gmagnt · 29/10/2018 20:23

Thanks Sammysees - he phoned me and said that he wouldn't attend the funeral because he wasn't sure he would find/be able to get to the church. Am gobsmacked - a crowd of people managed to get to the church but no my partner.

maybe I have too high expectations or am hitting one of those areas where Irish culture is different from english/NI culuture. but my feeling is he can't be arsed putting him self out on my behalf.

This is a 10 year relationship.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 29/10/2018 20:29

Oh god, that is NOT GOOD. I'd be broken-hearted too. I don't think it's a cultural issue- it's a selfish cock issue.

What is even the point of him? I'd find it pretty much impossible to forgive, I think.

I am so, so sorry you are being put through this extra strain at such a sad time Flowers

Sammysees · 29/10/2018 20:32

I take it you don’t live together then if he phoned you to say he wasn’t coming? Or were you already in NI and he would have joined you? Like you I would have been very upset if my dp wasn’t there to support me. Is your relationship ok normally?

Original poster
gmagnt · 29/10/2018 20:43

Hi Sammysees, so yes, I had gone back to Ireland (south) because Dad was really ill a few days before Dad died - hence the phone call back to the UK.

Relationship is 'ok-ish' but has problems, but I really thought he would support me in this one. We've been together 10 years.

Sort of feel that he does not want to do anything for me that will put him out.
If it was the other way around, I would not hesitate for a second to go to a funeral of one of his parents.

OP posts:
Aprilislonggone · 29/10/2018 20:47

In memory of your df now is the time to put yourself first.
A new start by yourself sounds well deserved.
Sorry for your loss op.

Sammysees · 29/10/2018 20:52

What do YOU want to do op? Do you want to stay with a dp who offers you no support when you really need it? This thread is close to my heart. I needed support from my exdp when I went through a really traumatic time with my son - my exdp didn’t speak to me for 2 weeks. My love died for him a little (a lot) at that point. Is it better to cut your losses now before you start to resent him?

sirmione16 · 29/10/2018 20:53

A 10 year relationship and he didn't come? That's out of order, you've every right to be upset. You really need to sit with him and express how you feel, and see what he has to say for himself!

Original poster
gmagnt · 29/10/2018 20:55

yes, every gut feel is I want out - BUT - I know that maybe I'm not in the best frame of mind right now to make that decision, wonder if I'm too emotional etc. Or maybe just disappointed as my Dad was so lovely and just a decent person, and my OH is not like that - so maybe I've got standards that are too high...

OP posts:
Sammysees · 29/10/2018 21:00

Expecting your dp of 10 years to come to your lovely df funeral is not high standards! It’s what any self respecting partner would do. Please don’t think him not coming is normal.
I agree you are probably not in the best head space now to be making life changing decisions. Can you take a couple of weeks holiday and go back to Ireland for a long think? Maybe a bit of space would give you some clarity?
I’m really sorry about your dad Flowers

BitOfFun · 29/10/2018 21:01

Your standards aren't too high: they are the benchmark of basic decency that your lovely dad brought you up with.

Dljlr · 29/10/2018 21:04

I'd only been with my dp a year when his stepfather died and we went to Germany together for his funeral. Of course we did. It's awful he left you to cope alone. You're right, a partner should be just that. There's no rush for you to decide on any action right now. You won't forget this, and when you feel stronger you'll know what you want to do about it.

By the way, having a wonderful father should, quite rightly, enhance your expectations of the man in your life. My father is my favourite person too and my (ex)husband could not equal him. He didn't have my back either. We deserve better.

Swimminguphill · 29/10/2018 21:06

Sorry OP, my DH came to my uncle’s funeral, my best friend’s partner’s funeral and my best friend’s dad’s funeral. Not least because he met these people and was fond of them and wanted to remember them. He couldn’t come to my dad’s funeral because he was already dead but he has visited the grave with me many times and always suggests dropping in if we are in the area. Please don’t think your dp’s behaviour is normal!

Also, you are currently in the bosom of your (grieving) family and less likely to accept/rationalise his shit. Might be a good time to make a break? At least don’t call, text or think about him. This is your moment of pain and should be about you and your family. Really not even worth wasting a second of this precious time being angry with him. If I was you I’d pretend he doesn’t exist until you get back home. I’m so sorry for your loss x

Honeyroar · 29/10/2018 21:10

I'm really sorry about your dad.

I don't think you're overreacting - a decent partner should definitely be there for you at a time like that. And if for some reason they couldn't, they should damned well support you and make a fuss of you when you got back, especially if it's your birthday!

It might be too soon and too much of an emotional time to make a decision, and I don't know your relationship, but I'm just saying that I'd feel like you do. I think it's a resentment that would grow inside me.

LakeIsle48 · 29/10/2018 22:17

I'm sorry about your dad. Your partner has let you down very badly. You deserve so much better. Your dad sounds lovely. Just get through the next few days. You have your whole life ahead of you. He is not your only option x

RandomMess · 29/10/2018 22:23

Unforgivable tbh!!!

My DH has always offered to accompany me to funerals... it's just what you do to support someone you love.

Sorry about your Dad Thanks

category12 · 29/10/2018 22:28

Supporting you at a parent's funeral is base level. Giving you a birthday present is base level.

He's really let you down here. What is the point of him?

Athena51 · 29/10/2018 22:28

So sorry for your loss.

I would find that hard to forgive. When my mum died my DP travelled a long distance just to be with me and support me through the funeral even though he was also having a bad time. It's what you do if you love someone. Also he loved my mum and wanted to pay his respects.

Oh, and wanting someone that is kind and loving and supportive is not having standards that are too high. It's what you deserve.

Holdingonbarely · 29/10/2018 22:44

Fuck me that is FUCKING AWFUL BEHAVIOUR

Coolawesomehotdog · 29/10/2018 22:51

Sorry about your dad.

My partner stopped having my back and it was a sign things were terminal for us. I'd take a couple of days to let your emotions settle, but then I'd be having a very serious talk with him. It's simply not ok that he wasn't there for you.

Vitalogy · 30/10/2018 07:35

Sorry for your loss.

It's times like these when we realise what is truly important. I agree, he should have been there for you.

FaithInfinity · 30/10/2018 07:51

I’d only been with my OH 6 months when my Mum died and he came to the funeral with me. No present for your birthday is just rubbish.

I’ve found that bereavement makes you take stock of your situation. How my OH - then BF, now DH - supported me when my Mum was ill was made me know he was the man for me. However I changed jobs because they were rubbish at supporting me and I knew I couldn’t stay long term.

There’s no rush to leave, take your time but maybe start looking into what your circumstances would be on your own?

ShatnersWig · 30/10/2018 08:11

Of course you're not over reacting. Get shot of this ignorant fecker immediately.

Original poster
gmagnt · 30/10/2018 12:14

Thanks all for your support - I suppose I was overthinking the cultural differences part (as us Irish do - do funerals a bit differently).

Don't feel angry, just empty, and as a few of you have said just what's the point.

ShatnersWig - I think you might be Irish too ('fecker') :) - and I will indeed have to brace myself to move the fecker on, but in a few days or weeks time when I'm a bit more up to the 'bye bye' conservation.

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 30/10/2018 12:41

You deserve much more op. Your Dad was a good man who obviously loved you well. You deserve the same in a partner. Your Dad would want that for you.