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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you put up with this?

34 replies

Sophie0579 · 29/10/2018 12:25

My bf has anger management issues and every time we argue he calls me a c@@t or a p@ick or something equally horrible. He threatens to smash up my flat but afterwards says it's all words and he doesn't mean it. He's 35, had an awful upbringing in care and had no parental guidance or boundary setting. I try and keep him on the straight and narrow and out of trouble with the law but he gets angry at what he calls my interference even though I try to explain it has repercussions for me. He's now said that me having a go at him for his behaviour pushes him to drink and drugs. He's so lovely and perfect when things are good but when they are bad he is hateful. What would you do?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 29/10/2018 12:27

No I wouldn't put up with any of it.

The first time a man called me names would be the last time he ever saw me. That's without the threats of violence and drugs.

You shouldn't be putting up with it either.

Haberpop · 29/10/2018 12:27

Walked a long time ago. Lots of us have had shitty upbringings but it doesn't give us the right to abuse others.

leopardprintchick · 29/10/2018 12:28

No I wouldn't and it's not up to you to keep him on the straight and narrow your his partner not his mother

And blaming you for drink and drugs... sounds Luke he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his life choices

OurMiracle1106 · 29/10/2018 12:28

Leave. He won’t change and he is already emotionally abusing you. You can’t help him. He will use you as an emotional punch bag and will of course be lovely in between that’s how abusers keep their victims. It makes you question whether it’s them or you.

Violence or threats of violence are not love.

prettygreywalls · 29/10/2018 12:29

Sorry Sophie , but you already know what most of the answers on here are going to be , putting it kindly He's a nasty bit of work twisting things & pushing the blame onto you
You need to think about yourself more and a much more peaceful future without him , you deserve better
Hold your head up high and walk - don't look back

JessieLemon · 29/10/2018 12:32

Of course not. You’d have to have incredibly low self esteem to stay with a man like this.

DramaAlpaca · 29/10/2018 12:32

He's 'lovely and perfect'? He really isn't. The name calling alone would be enough of a deal breaker for me. You need to end it now as his behaviour will only get worse.

Sexnotgender · 29/10/2018 12:33

Nope, not in a million years.

Aprilislonggone · 29/10/2018 12:35

Please check the dictionary for the words lovey and perfect... Your bf is in the D part under dickhead and dangerous.
Before long dv will be your norm..
Ime...

CrazyOldBagLady · 29/10/2018 12:36

His behaviour is in excusable, and it sounds like it’s only a matter of time before things will escalate sand you will get the blame for that too. They are all nice some of the time, don’t let that fool you into thinking he is a good bloke deep down. He wants to use you as his emotional punching bag and make you feel you deserve it. He’s one of the worst sorts of partners, get out now.

PookieDo · 29/10/2018 12:36

No and you are essentially reliving his missed years of childhood with a parent. You are the parent. He is the teenage boy. He is testing boundaries and you are ‘keeping him on the straight and narrow’ which he probably feels is half controlling, and half what he needs because he missed out on all this as a child growing up. It’s very unhealthy and quite sad. You can’t and shouldn’t have to keep an adult man out of trouble with the law and off drink and drugs and it is no way to ever have a healthy functional adult relationship. He likely needs counselling/therapy and to learn how to look after himself and be an adult. You as his partner it isn’t your job to teach him is it? Please don’t have kids with him in this situation either

Woooman · 29/10/2018 12:39

I was with a guy like this for almost 5 years. He's also had a difficult upbringing. When he was in a good place he was lovely and we had great fun. When he was in a bad place he was downright nasty. He got worse and worse over the time I was with him- the first year or so we would have the odd "blip" every 6 months or so but by the time I left him we were having the odd good day every 6 months or so. I was constantly walking on egg shells around him, would never know what mood he was going to be in that day. He also developed a drinking problem over the last year or so and when drunk he would be calling me vile names or threatening me. It was a horrible time. The best thing I ever did was leave him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/10/2018 12:41

If he is so loving and perfect then you are deluding yourself as to the reality of life with him. When people tell you who they are it will do you well to listen.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Is this dysfunctional and codependent relationship what you actually envisaged for yourself?

What are you getting out of this? You're being both the rescuer and saviour here in this relationship but he does not want to be either rescued and or saved by you. What you have tried to date has not worked, you can only help your own self ultimately.

You are too close to be of any real use to him and he does not want your help. Love is not supposed to be like this. You can and should walk away here before you do get also physically hurt by him. You are already being emotionally abused by him.

TemptressofWaikiki · 29/10/2018 12:41

Run! Check out the Freedom program and books about angry men etc. It's text book type of manipulative abuse stuff.

justilou1 · 29/10/2018 12:42

No

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2018 12:44

I try and keep him on the straight and narrow and out of trouble with the law

Why? Are you his mum? Is he not capable of doing that for himself like most other human beings?

Run, run as fast as you can, because the day he does get into trouble with the law will probably because it was you he lost it with.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2018 12:45

Also meant to say that some of the things he is saying (you driving him to drink, you winding him up etc) sound like justifications for what he is going to do. Its classic abusive behaviour, "I wouldnt have hit you if you hadnt wound me up...."

VintageFur · 29/10/2018 12:48

My ex spent 2 hours screaming at me that I was a cunt (we were stuck in the car). I made plans right there and then to leave. I later told him that it had been unacceptable for him to call me that. He told me I was over-sensitive and that everyone speaks like that. What do you think? Is it common? Does everyone speak like that?

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 29/10/2018 12:48

Please put yourself first and leave this person before you get badly hurt.

kaitlinktm · 29/10/2018 12:57

My bf has anger management issues and every time we argue he calls me a c@@t or a p@ick or something equally horrible.

To make you too afraid to argue with him.

He threatens to smash up my flat but afterwards says it's all words and he doesn't mean it.

To make you too afraid to argue with him.

He's 35, had an awful upbringing in care and had no parental guidance or boundary setting. I try and keep him on the straight and narrow and out of trouble with the law but he gets angry at what he calls my interference even though I try to explain it has repercussions for me.

As pp have said, many people have awful upbringings but don't all behave like this. Of course you try to stop him breaking the law as it can impact on you - but he doesn't want to stop doing what he likes, so he get angry to make you too afraid to argue with him. It isn't your job to rescue him or to remedy the wrongs of his childhood, but neither is it your job to put up and live with the fallout of him doing exactly what he wants.

He's now said that me having a go at him for his behaviour pushes him to drink and drugs

Blaming you for his own poor choices and - making you too afraid to argue with him.

He's so lovely and perfect when things are good

Well of course he is - had he been unremittingly awful all the time from the beginning, you wouldn't have gone out with him - and anyway, it's easy to be nice when you are getting all your own way.

but when they are bad he is hateful

Because he is not getting all his own way - and to make you too afraid to argue with him.

What would you do?

Leave him quickly and quietly. If the home is yours, change the locks, block him on social media and your phone - move away if you can (if the home is his). Don't give him second chances - he won't change but will promise you he will. Find someone - well - nicer.

Good luck and Flowers

LizzieSiddal · 29/10/2018 13:06

No, and you should not put up with it either.

Most people argue in a relationship, it is quite normal. But calling someone awful names and threatening to smash up your home, is not normal.

Get rid of him ASAP, you deserve, much better. x

OverTheHedgeSammy · 29/10/2018 13:13

I try and keep him on the straight and narrow and out of trouble with the law

Why is your bar so low? Why aren't you looking for someone who IS on the straight and narrow and out of trouble with the law? It's not really a very high bar, and yet, your expectations are even lower...

CrazySheepLady · 29/10/2018 13:29

I wouldn't put up with being called awful names or blamed for his bad behaviour and lack of self control. Not in a million years. His behaviour is abusive but you already know that, hence your post. Trust your own instincts.

You deserve better than this.

woollyheart · 29/10/2018 13:32

You sound like a parent trying to bring up their child to behave properly. You have very little chance of changing him, especially if he resents it when you try.

Bananalanacake · 29/10/2018 13:39

I assume you don't live with him as you said " my flat" so that makes it easier. Does he have a key. I would end it just for the drinking alone.

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