does anyone have a younger half bro or sis.... may sound petty,...

[juicychops]

but me and my sister feel really cut out.

my mum and dad split when i was 11 and he met someone else. They had a baby together (my half sister)when i was 16 and they got married 4 years ago.

i am now 22 and my sister is 21. Our half sister is 6 1/2.

The 3 of them live about half hour away from me so i dont see them very often but speak to my dad on the phone avery couple of days. Me and my dad were so so close growing up but since he met my step mum we are no longer close as me and my sis have never really got on with out step mum.

We still dont get on with her but we make an effort for our dad.

But its like me and my sis arn't part of their life. we are seperate from them. There arn't even any photos of us in their house. its like we dont exist!

Today its fathers day and my dad, step mum, step-mum's dad, and our half sister have all gone out for a fathers day meal. Me and my sister wasn't even invited!!

I feel im being petty as we are gromn up now, but it's still hurtful that we arn't considered important part of his life anymore.

Ive tried talking to my dad about it in the past but it turned into an argument.

am i being petty? how would you feel?

I don't think it's petty.
I think it's an extremely valid point.
I'd be well pissed off.

Although....maybe it was your responsibility to organise something to do with him on Father's day (if celebrating an occasion made up bt Hallmark is your thing). Did you not then/??

no i didn't organize anything as i knew they were going to step-mum's dads. But didn't know they were all going for a meal.

i gave my dad a card and present from me and ds yesterday as i knew he was busy today.

it may sound stupid, but i am not even fussed about doing something to celebrate fathers day. Its just the fact that they have decided to go out for a meal for fathers day and not even thought to invite me or my sister

You're not being petty at all, Juicy. This happens all to often in these situations, and I don't know what the easy answer is, tbh.

But you've every right to feel disappointed. I only hope you can find some way of sharing your thoughts with your dad at some point in the near or even distant future.

He's no doubt been under pressure from his wife, and many men can easily buckle for the sake of a quiet life.

His own personal thoughts may be much more in tune with yours than you realize.

Doesn't sound stupid at all.
I completely get where you are coming from and would bring it up with him. Why not write a letter (maybe a joint one with sis?) where you can get your feelings down clearly and calmly?

Actually - sorry but I do think you're being a bit unreasonable. Adults seemingly jealous of a small child. I have so-called half brothers and sisters (not sure why you would need to point the 1/2 fact out - I have never seen it as an issue. As far as I am concerned - they are my brothers and sisters). I also have a 4 year old at home and two grown up daughters (aged 26 & 23) who wouldn't take offense if we planned the day with the litle one and didn't think to ask them. I think it's more about your younger sister living at home and you two not. Its not so much about you not being considered an important part of life - but they've been there and done that with you and now you have lives of your own - but will still remain a part of their lives.

I'm not surprised you are upset.
Could you and your sister contact your father and ask him over for a meal at your house next weekend - saying that you didn't ask today because you knew he would be going out with his wife and her family?
I think you might need to be pro-active in becoming more visible in your father's life. I know it is hurtful when he makes plans and doesn't include you and your sister, but now you are older you have the advantage that you can plan things and invite him.
Maybe you could start a regular night out, just the three of you. Theatre, cinema, restaurant - once a month?

If his new wife makes life difficult for him where you and your sis are concerned it must be very hard for him. I'm not saying that excuses things but maybe it helps explain it and makes it seem less like a lack of desire to involve you.

Sounds like he is being forced to make choices a lot of the time and maybe in that position, much as he may hate it, he knows that at 22 and 21 you and your sister will cope with the situation better than his 6.5 year old daughter. What else can he do I suppose? If his wife won't support the relationship between all of you then it must be very hard.

If he is being spineless then that is a different matter but if he has tried in the past to involve you both and his wife has made things very unpleasant, even precarious then maybe he has felt he has too much to lose.

Perhaps you can have a different type of relationship where you accept the physical distance but that you remain deeply bonded by letting him feel your empathy for the difficult position you are in whilst he shows you his love in all the limited ways he can and also empathises with how hard this is for you also.

It might not mean joining in with the Father's Day meal (could you organise a separate one, btw?) but you will have a very mature and strong emotional relationship nevertheless.

Just ideas.

its not petty. i have a similiar situation with my dad although i do get on with my stepmum now.

no pictures of me in his house, never have been. he doesnt come to see me when he knows i cant drive and get to where he lives in the sticks. only phones when he wants a favour doing. forgot both of my kids (his first grandchildren) birthdays. blah blah, he's just a waste of space.

when i was younger i didnt get on very well with stepmum but as i grew up i realised it wasnt her doing, dad just cant be bothered.

he didnt bother with my birthday and i havent heard from him in the two months since. this week he starts phoning up and i didnt answer. its only because its fathers day and he's wanting a present i suppose.

I do think it's a man thing not to be bothered, my dh wouldn't buy presents, visit his parents/sister etc even though they live locally! In lots of ways he does those things under duress for me, he's just not bothered about the family thing.

nightowl thats so sad. id hate to be in a situation like that with my dad

my dad has always been under the thumb since he's been with my step-mum (about 9 years now i think) and he will do anything he can for a quiet life.

it is really sad because growing up i did everything with my dad and now we arn't close really at all. and its mainly because when he first got together with step mum she wouldn't let him come to my house to see me and my sister so he just stopped seeing us as much and we drifted apart.

i dont think its me being jealous of my half sister, cos i dont think i am at all to be honest. Its just the feeling of being left out of a family unit. i know the way things are is the perfect family for my step mum: her, my dad and their child, and i feel me and my sis get in the way of that and she makes us feel like we do too.

i really dont want to bring it up with my dad again as last time i brought up every single thing that had bothered me deeply over the last 8 years and how step mum has made us feel cut off and he just got really angry

i do think my dad realises things like this as every so often he will give me and my sis money or treat us to something expensive we need, and it does feel like he's doing it out of guilt for not seeing us much.

but id rather have a better relationship with him than have the money but dont think its possible now with step mum there.

my half sister doesn't even feel like a sister to me where i just dont feel like part of that part of my dad's family. its really sad

why don't you do something regularly like invite them around for dinner/take away - Dad, Step-mum, & both sisters. Once a month/every six weeks. Create a new tradition of doing somethings the 6 of you, make it an enjoyable time for all of you so it's something you all want to do again.

juicy, even if you were jealous of your half sister, I think that it's, well, if not reasonable, then at least understandable.

I have two little half brothers (in actual fact I have 3 half brothers and a half sister but coz I grew up with my bro and sis I never consider them anything but my bro and sis), who are 10 and 11, and a long standing history of a terrible relationship with my dad. I didn't grow up with him and didn't actually see him between the ages of about 2 and 11, so things were always a bit weird between us. And when my bro's came along when I was a teenager I felt v jealous, they got to grow up with my dad and they were like his proper children. I used to wonder whether if people asked if he had any kids whether he would remember me! When he and the boys mum got married I cried the whole day as it was all about them as a family! I actually had to ask to be in a family photo!

Basically it took a huge falling out and a long time for both me and my dad to grow up and have a really decent talk about our whole relationship. Things aren't perfect know, and I don't yet have that unconditional love for my bro's that I do for my other bro and sis (although my dad's boys are much nicer than them!) but we are getting there. I have just had to change my expectations and not try and fit our relationships into a typical mould, and just do it on our own terms. When I talk to my bro's I still say "your dad" instead of "our dad" or just "dad", which is weird, but we are working at it and I know that as they grow up we will get along great.

Sorry, that was v long winded and not necessarily helpful, but I just wanted to let you know that I have been where you are. Forget what others say about you being unreasonable, you can't help the way you feel, but you can help with how you handle it. I hope you manage sort out how you feel with your dad.

thanks bumperlicious that has helped a lot

I completely understand how you feel, Juicy.

I've given up with my Dad a bit, tbh. I have one Brother (who I grew up with )and 2 half brothers (teenagers, from my Dad and StepMom) and my Dad can be thoughtless. It is a lot worse for my Brother tbh, my Dad's whole life is watching his two teenage son's football/rugby games and when he calls me, that is all he talks about. He never once went to watch my brother's football matches when he was growing up. When I went to visit his mobile phone had a screensave that was of my Stepmom and my half brothers, I suppose because that is his family unit. He also fogot my DS2's 1st birthday and I did tell him how I felt. Things look up for a while, but I guess he is busy (as am I) and we live 2hrs away now.

I think it is hard as we have only one Dad, no matter how many children he may have.

Hi Juicy chops - I don't think you are being unreasonable - just honest about your feelings. I am sorry that your father and step-mother have placed you in this position.

I speak as a younger half-sib. I have 3 older sibs from my dads 1st marriage I feel about them the same as I do for my younger 2 sibs and I count all their many offsprings as my dear nieces and nephews (all 12)the same. I would be horrified if I felt my half-sibs were in any way jealous of the relationship I had with my dad. But I could understand why they might - He did leave them when they were 10 and 6 which is very young and I feel differently about my parents actions now (as a mum) than I did as a child.

Unfortunately dad died when I was 18 so I am a bit jealous that my oldest sis had an adult relationship with dad and he(briefly) was grandad to her 2 dc's. I would never say that to her - it is nothing to do with her really.

What I am clumsily trying to express is that circumstances can change quickly, try not to harbour resentments and see if you can communicate your feelings to your father. Try to remain open to his efforts to do the right thing but don't focus on his relationship with your half-sis, she is a (possibly??)cute 6yo now when she is a teen things may be very different and you will find your relationship with your dad evolves with time as well - I hope in a positive way.

Good luck!

Our family is like this.

My mum left and had a baby with her new partner. Half-sis is now almost 21.

She gets totally indulged,the rest of us dont.

I've given up being bothered abotu it, but it hurt when I was a teenager, adn even into my 20s. Half-sis was born when I was 15, its not easy, I do sympathise.

I also have a sister and a half sister, similar age gaps (although I'm a lot older than you). IKWYM about no photos on display, really used to hurt. Father and stepmother now divorced and father is mucn nicer to us - so you can live in hope, I suppose!

Seriously, it isn't petty, I would feel just as hurt as you. My middle sister and I have always adored our baby sister (we never refer to her as 'half' unless explaining the biology to outsiders) honestly no jealousy there, but doesn't stop you being wounded by your father.

I hope one day you can have a serious conversation with your father about it.

If the feelings are a problem, you could write him a letter getting all those feelings out, pulling no punches, and then burn it. Very therapeutic without causing a huge row.

Tbh I ended up seeing a counsellor when I was your age because it was just using up too much of my energy dragging all that hurt around - she got me to punch a pillow and say everything I wished I could say to my dad. Felt very bizarre and daft but it helped.l

juicychops, I understand how you feel and don't think you are unreasonable for feeling that way. However, if you want to make it better, you may have to think a little mroe about how your dad, step mother and 1/2 sister feel. It sounds like you are bearing some deep and old resentments that are perhaps a little unfair. For example, yuo say that when your parents split up, your stepmom wouldn't let your dad come and visit you at your house. I think that it would be bit odd for your dad to visit with you at your house, you should have been going to his house. And you don't mention your mom in any of this...is it possible that she made your dad very uncomfortable at her house?
To give you a little view from the other side, my dh has children from 2 previous relationships. He tried to spend as much time as possible with them after I met him, but one of the two ex's was truly evil and made it really difficult for him AND was really nasty to me. And encouraged her children to be nasty to me. I had as a contrast the other mother who was really lovely and polite (we even all went on vacation together) and the reality is that now (9 years later), Dh has a much better relationship with the daughter with the nice mother than with the children with the nasty mother.
You should probably have called up your stepmum and talked to her about what she was organizing for fathers day and whether you and your sister coud paticipate in some way. You can't pretend or think it's unreasonable that she is the one who lives with him and shares a life with him. You could have done a breakfast if they were doing a dinner or been included in the dinner with them. You are now and adult and it's not your stepmother's responsibility to invite you to a fathers day meal. In fact, my step children are now 13, 14 and 18 and I don't think it's my responsibility to call them up and remind them to contact their father (which I'm sure none of them will) on father's day (we're in another country so a phone call is the most they could do). At that age, they are all old enough to make their own phone calls and if they need some help with it, it's their mother's responsibility, not their stepmother's reponsibility. I am busy sorting out my own children for father's day.

Not petty at all. I dont even think it counts as jealously either. I have a stepbrother and stepsister who i have nothing to do with, but my dh has a half bro and half sis (one from his mum and one from his dad). His doesnt grew up with his hb adn refers to him as db, but his hdsis he has never met and as such refers to her as his half sister.

If it were me i would be upset that i wasnt asked along to the meal, or at least asked if we had any plans for our dad (i am one of 3).

I get on really well with both my step parents but i think it greatly depends on what the step parent is like.

Ps. We have photos of all the children all over the house. I just don't have any with the ex's in them. But bear in mind that those are up because I put them up...dads don't think about that kind of stuff. And in fact, there aren't any recent photos of the two with the nasty mother, because they haven't been nice enough to me for me to be able to take a photo. Plenty of the other daughter though and even some of her boyfriend! (who she's now split up with so I have to take the photos down before she comes again!).

Difficult.

I have two stepsons (12, 10) and a daughter (2.7). We include the stepsons in absolutely masses of things, and quite honestly their lives are packed full of fun events that people arrange for them. Just occasionally we do special things "just the three of us" and the boys do sometimes get resentful and feel we've left them out. But our lives cannot solely revolve around their timetable, and they get lots of fun things from their mother, grandparents etc that my daughter doesn't get - they definitely get a better deal (and I'm fine with that) in quantity of outings, holidays etc.

Thanks everyone for your opinions and advice its been really helpful

The thing about my dad not coming to my house when i was younger, When i was 12 he promised me that even though him and my mum had split up he would still decorate my bedroom (i always helped him with diy stuff around the house, it was our father daughter thing we always did). He promised me for ages but kept putting it off then one day just turnt around and said he wasnt going to do it anymore as his girlfriend (now my step mum) wouldn't feel comfortable!

and i will always remember that. he put her first before me after he promised me. Even now it hurts, which i know is stupid as it was nearly 10 years ago. But i was only 12 and my mum was hopeless at stuff like that. I ended up hanging wallpaper, painting and stenciling my whole room on my own at 13