Stepfamilies...do they ever work ?

[littlegecko]

I live with DP, our pre-school age child and my two teenage children from another relationship.

We live in DP's house that he owns.

The teenagers are no trouble except for general teenage stuff i.e staying up late on devices, getting up late, being messy. They are very helpful with their younger sibling - more so than what DP is.

DP basically moans about everything that they do. Some of it is pointless stuff such as if they have a day where they don't go out in the school holidays, he will say it's not normal and how he would have been out all the time at their age; if there aren't any biscuits left in the tin there will be an inquisition into who has ate them; if they want a lift anywhere he will go on about how in his day he would have had to make his own way.

There are constant digs about how I have mollycoddled them, and that they will never be able to get a job or do anything for themselves (they are still at school). There are no signs of this - they always go to school, and are pretty independent. They both have ambitions, and will look for Saturday jobs when they are sixteen. My daughter actually does volunteering -mentoring younger kids in her own time.

Everybody else always says how lovely my kids are - and I know DP will see a more irritating side of them as he lives with them - but I feel completely ground down by his moaning. I hate the weekends when we are all here together, as I spend the whole time worrying about what he's going to moan about next. I could easily leave but have nowhere to go and would not be able to afford rent locally.

I have nobody to talk to, as everybody believes that I'm really contented in my relationship- when actually I feel like my head might explode. I get so envious of other step-families who seem to be so bloody patient and accepting of eachother. I can't remember we all sat and down and had a good laugh....or even just a good chat- it's always blighted with the sarcastic comments.

I've spoken to the kids and they don't seem as bothered by it as I am. Am I just being over-sensistive ?

In answer to your question no step families rarely work out as there is always issues.

However i do think when you havent got children of your own at that age because your children are young then you do have an unrealistic expectation of them.

He resents them, that is very clear from your post

Don’t choose your partner over your kids. Ever.

Yep he resents them,, poor kids. Was he like that before you both had a child together?

Yes, they do work, often. And they're also tough, because they require skill sets we're not taught, and we're often not exposed to models of how they could look when done successfully.

Based on the above two responses, I think you're likely to get more understanding / balanced answers over on the Step-parenting board

What does your DP say when you talk to him about it?

Does not sound like he understands teenagers,

Perhaps he is slightly envious of them?

Don't let it be divisive between the step siblings.

Stressful for you to feel you have to stand between them.

What is your gut feeling?

I think it depends on age of blending. Coming into a kids life when they're a baby or toddler is different to when they're in primary/secondary. Always going to be tough if you're coming into their lives aged 10+ I think.

I don't have any friends whose parents were still together when we were in our teens. Most had step families or half siblings. Those whose step mum/dad had been involved from a younger age seem to get on better. I know the two friends I had who got chucked out in their teens and ended up in hostels both had shitty step dad's who basically gave ultimatum to their mums over their behaviour. Both were boys and doing nothing worse than me and other peers at that age. Personally felt a lot like jealousy and contest for mums attention. When the boys started to become "men" to step dad's started some weird power struggle and desperate attempts to be authoritative but it was OTT and made things worse.

It sounds like your DP doesn't understand teenagers and also has decided he knows best about....everything?

I don't necessarily think that attitude is restricted to step-parents to be honest.. my ex's has the same criticisms of our dd 15 when she stays with him (every few months) I just think he's a moaner who forgets what it's like being a teenager.. I remember myself & my sister having a strained relationship with our dad as teenagers but my mum was much more laid back. However if it's putting you under stress you need to tell him & you will not stand for him to make them unhappy as they will come before him.

They can work but are never easy. I went through some very difficult times with ny stepdaughter, but now she is a lovely young woman who is as much part of our family as our own biological children.

Thanks for your replies.

Looking back, before we had a child together, he was brilliant with my two. They were obviously a lot younger then.

I would agree that he doesn't understand teenagers at all and constantly makes comparisons between what they do and his teenage life - which is irrelevant now.

I'd also probably agree that there is an element of him that is jealous of my relationship with them.

When I have confronted the issue, he says he is just trying to make them more independent and responsible. I am always defensive of them as I have got to the point that I can't be bothered with his point of view, which probably adds to his frustration. Things will get better for a while, and then the sarcastic comments and digs make their way back in.

I'm not sure what my gut feeling is. Today has been a shit day - my daughter has been making lots of effort to be nice and he has just had a moan about something completely pointless. I hate negativity and can't stand the atmosphere it all creates.

Sounds like he has unrealistic expectations of your teens.

All very understandable. But the sarcastic comments are not acceptable.

You can’t carry on feeling like your head will explode, you need to see what common parenting ground you can carve out here.

Do you communicate well as a couple, generally?

If it is any consolation my husband is slightly irked by our kids behaviour (my two are 13 & 10). I find this annoying tbh so I can understand how you feel! I often find myself in between him and them and it is
really stressful.

I find that I let him be how he is and I do my own thing! I suspect this is not great for them to see but I do not have the energy to police his parenting. I just make sure I am good enough. 

I find it quite interesting that non-stepfamilies also have this issue ! I didn't grow up with my dad so don't have a comparison, but looking back to when I was a teen, none of my friends had good relationships with their dads (although some grew better as we went into adulthood).

I think we do need a proper chat about it all. Generally we communicate well as a couple, but in this scenario, I usually end up getting really defensive and snappy and end up in tears. Nothing ever gets properly resolved and there's never any solution.

My exH was like this. I was constantly stepping in, acting as a buffer, tense waiting for his put downs, trying to shield my DC.

My lovely chap is a brilliant step father, takes a lead from me re any discipline but is such a giver in terms of attention, lifts, birthday cakes, thoughtful presents.... I think personality plays a huge part in this. ExH was just inadequate

This doesn’t sound like a stepfamily thing - he just sounds really irritating.

Yes, my exH was like this too, just inadequate.

My partner (we don’t live together) has teens the same age and totally gets what they’re like. He is thoughtful and calm.

Nonetheless step family dynamics can make for very sensitive reactions (you getting defensive and him feeling jealous).

So even the most minor issues can end up feeling that way. You need to somehow reach across that divide.

Step families can work very well but only if everyone pulls in the same direction and it’s still not always easy.

I’m close with my own SM and have a happy family unit with my DH and step DC.

There are days when my DSC, younger than yours, drive me absolutely mad. Those are the days DH feels the same because they’re being proper pains in the arse so it doesn’t cause conflict between us.

Being on different pages as you are must be awful and I haven’t had to parent teens yet so I’m sure the issues are completely different and I don’t have a clue how it’ll be.

You sound stressed and unhappy. Your children sound like they’re being picked on for normal behaviour. It’s bad for you, bad for them, bad for your younger child.

Living in his house unmarried makes you vulnerable as if you leave him you’ll have to physically leave but it sounds like it would be worth it.

Not in my experience, no. Especially when teenagers are involved : (

Blended and step families can absolutely work but require a lot of patience and understanding. Can he acknowledge any positives about the DCs? If not I'd be highly concerned. Also do they have a good relationship with their father? Eitherway your DP needs to understand that he's an influential man in their life and they may pick friends, partners, bosses etc who treat them in a similar way.

My stepfamily worked. Still does. I have a DSD who is 12 years older than DS1 and 15 years older than DS2. She lived with her DM but we had her every weekend until she started wanting to go out with her friends. Then it was alternate weekends.

I think it worked because she and her DF were very close. He was prepared to go to any lengths to see her. And it also worked because I tried hard to be a good stepmother. When I first met her she was 7. She's married with two DC now. It's over 30 years.

As she got older her dad's laid back approach helped, as did the fact that I like teenagers.

My DSD and I supported each other through the terminal illness and death of her DF. She's close to her DBs, particularly DB2. They have long chats.at least once a week.

OP, your problem seems to be your DH's attitude to your DC. It's a credit to you that they haven't responded to his moaning and sarcasm. He's being unfair to them - and to you.

You need to talk. Perhaps get a book about parenting teens and explore it together? Anything to get him rethinking his views on teenagers.

Sorry but this sounds absolutely miserable for your DC.
They shouldn’t be having to tip toe around your partner in their home. He sounds awful. And they sound lovely.

And you also say he’s not particularly helpful with your younger child?

He's lucky he's not got me as a step child. He'd have been insulted to hell and back by now.

I would just be telling him to shut up every time he whines and ask if he needs his diaper changing. He's a bloody man child. Tell him to either leave or stop whinging about nothing.

Generally ... I don’t think blended families do work although I think the parents convince themselves they do.

Specifically, your partner sounds awful tbh.

The impression I've always hot from people I know is that they can work fine but when blending families isn't working it's really hard to make it work.

I live in a very happy and successful blended family. Our DC are older than yours, but if there is one thing I would change with hindsight, it is the tolerance of “teenage behaviour”. I was too lax with my DSCs and I paid a heavy personal price for it.

My advice to the OP would be to pay a bit more attention to your partner’s feelings.