Stepfamilies...do they ever work ?

[littlegecko]

I live with DP, our pre-school age child and my two teenage children from another relationship.

We live in DP's house that he owns.

The teenagers are no trouble except for general teenage stuff i.e staying up late on devices, getting up late, being messy. They are very helpful with their younger sibling - more so than what DP is.

DP basically moans about everything that they do. Some of it is pointless stuff such as if they have a day where they don't go out in the school holidays, he will say it's not normal and how he would have been out all the time at their age; if there aren't any biscuits left in the tin there will be an inquisition into who has ate them; if they want a lift anywhere he will go on about how in his day he would have had to make his own way.

There are constant digs about how I have mollycoddled them, and that they will never be able to get a job or do anything for themselves (they are still at school). There are no signs of this - they always go to school, and are pretty independent. They both have ambitions, and will look for Saturday jobs when they are sixteen. My daughter actually does volunteering -mentoring younger kids in her own time.

Everybody else always says how lovely my kids are - and I know DP will see a more irritating side of them as he lives with them - but I feel completely ground down by his moaning. I hate the weekends when we are all here together, as I spend the whole time worrying about what he's going to moan about next. I could easily leave but have nowhere to go and would not be able to afford rent locally.

I have nobody to talk to, as everybody believes that I'm really contented in my relationship- when actually I feel like my head might explode. I get so envious of other step-families who seem to be so bloody patient and accepting of eachother. I can't remember we all sat and down and had a good laugh....or even just a good chat- it's always blighted with the sarcastic comments.

I've spoken to the kids and they don't seem as bothered by it as I am. Am I just being over-sensistive ?

It's definitely not restricted to DSC. My DP had four children before we met . He was not with their mum through the teenage years though he did see the children. Oldest DSS was sent to live with us when he went off the rails. I had two.older children so was actually able to understand his behaviour better than DP. He grew up to be a great lad.
Fast forward to our joint DS reaching teenage years and DP behaves just like yours with constant sniping and sarcastic comments. Everybody else thinks DS is a good lad and I think DP is actually jealous of his own son! DS does comment sometimes on his dad's lack of support. I do react if I think his comments are unjustified but I hate being a buffer zone.

blackcat He does acknowledge positives in terms of achievement. So if they do well at something he will be nice about it. However this doesn't happen in everyday situations, so if someone ever comments how nice they store he would add a comment like "yeah but their room's a tip" or "yeah but they're lazy and stay in bed all morning".

mammmamia No he's not particularly helpful with his own child. Great in terms of the "fun" activities - but wouldn't help (unless prompted) with stuff like toiletting, getting snacks etc.

My older children do not see their dad. This is via a court order. This probably contributes to their tolerance of DP - as although he's annoying, at least he's not dangerous.

*nice they are (not store !!)

You couldn’t afford rent locally, are not married (?) and live in his home, which he owns. With teen DC at a vital stage of education depending on you that’s a massive, massive problem. Earning more money and investigating a plan B needs to be a top priority.

So he is a poor father to his biological DC (doesn’t do much parenting - it’s not “help” it’s parenting) and behaves in ways that seem likely to anger and upset his step DC, and you, and complains about your parenting.

He sounds like a crap parent in general and I would be concerned about the precarious financial situation you are in TBH

He would make those undermining comments to friends/family who compliment the DC? That’s awful.

They probably HAVE to “tolerate” him if they think you won’t leave him and know you are financially dependent on him. Poor kids.

It can work for some, though most I know - including my own situation - it didn’t work out.

There are fewer situations more soul destroying and hurtful than living in a home where children from a previous relationship are treated as second class citizens. In my experience they are often resented, and unprioritised. For me, there is no coming back from it either, particularly when the children/child in question are good kids.

It’s not a slight to anyone else, but I strongly feel blended families rarely serve existing children.

OP, if he is constantly picking on your children, and moaning about them, you need to take immediate action. This is the kind of thing that can have life long consequences.. It erodes self esteem, damages primary relationships, and generally impacts everyone involved.

Sorry, but he sounds like he doesn’t even like your children.

I agree with PPs, this isn't a step family thing, just bad parenting full stop.

Your H is making your older DC the scapegoat for every negative emotion he experiences.

"You've ruined everything, as usual"

Please protect your children from this. My son is in his 20s now and still suffering from the negative self-talk and feelings that his dad instilled in him.(And like your DC did nothing worse than any typical teenager.)

Yes, step-families can work - but it requires great self-sacrifice on the part of the step-parent. My mum brought up my two step-brothers as her own after their mum's death - she was a very kind and wise woman who had to put up with a lot, not least from our own father. Fast forward to today and we are all still very close. My lovely second husband was step-dad to my daughter from the age of 5 (her natural father disassociated completely from her) and has done an amazing job. Yes we've had issues at times, but so do all families. It was his (and my) proudest moment when he walked her down the aisle at her wedding.

My ex is like this about his own children. I don’t think it is limited to step fathers. Whereas my BIL absolutely knows how to talk to teenagers and understands them. I honestly get sick of defending my own children to him when IMO they aren’t actually doing anything dreadful. My older DD has some behavioural issues but I’m very aware she won’t be at home with me forever (she’s 16) and I would hate for that time the last part of her childhood to be ruined by a parent or step parent constantly moaning at them

This probably contributes to their tolerance of DP - as although he's annoying, at least he's not dangerous.

This is a very sad view of the situation “it could be worse” so the children already have an awful father and now have a step father who doesn’t like them. It is time to be very tough on your DP. Agree about getting a job because you seem to appear trapped with him

Step families absolutely can work, but in your situation it's not working so much as existing.

The 'it could be worse' attitude is so sad to read, OP, and makes it sound as though you're essentially there to fight fires between them all, which doesn't sound enjoyable at all for you.

This happens in non step families too, my ex was always highly critical of our daughter but always ok with our sons. Now, she rarely sees him and their relationship is superficial.

My only suggestion is that you HAVE to continue to bring this up with your partner because it’s such a fundamental part of your family life and the values you hold and the way you think people should be treated. It needs to be resolved and perhaps he doesn’t understand just how important it is.

Not being able to resolve it will potentially mean you’ll lose respect for him, grow to hate him and you’ll split up, or, your older kids will start to resent him and possibly you too if you continue to make them experience this type of family life.

Plus kids tend to mirror learned behaviour as adults and that’s probably not how you’d want them to be. 💐

In my opinion and experience they often don’t really work for two reasons.

Firstly, often the partner who comes into the relationship childless feels quite resentful of the fact that the other person comes “encumbered” by children from an earlier relationship. They might not feel that way during the honeymoon period of the relationship but later it comes, particularly when it comes to things like money and time being spent on the children.

Secondly, the vast majority of children and teenagers are quite hard work. When you are their patent, you just accept that. Because that’s how it is. But if you are not the parent, you might not be very accepting of normal behaviour. There are so many threads on mumsnet started by stepmums complaining about their stepchildren...

Poor kids.
I agree with others who have said this is dangerous for their self esteem and you are in a vulnerable financial position that you need to do something about.
I completely disagree with the PP who ask you need to respect your partners feelings.