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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Selfish dp or is it me overreacting? Please Help!

28 replies

Peanut17 · 28/10/2018 18:53

Hello ladies! I’m new here so bare with me Confused

Sorry in advance for the long post Blush
So.. I’ve been with my dp 3 years, have a beautiful 16 month old and have recently found out I’m pregnant again. He goes to work and finishes usually around 2pm, when he gets home he makes remarks about the house not being tidy or dishes from lunch not being done yet. He’s been going to the pub everyday for a few weeks after work and I’ve asked him to help me as I’m struggling with sickness and feeling so tired! I’ve asked him to come straight home on the days I’m feeling really awful but he’s told me I’m ‘taking away his rights as a man’ and that I’m controlling him. Is it my hormones or is he being an idiot? Hmm
I’m totally fed up with him constantly putting me down and making little comments, he’s always on at me (daily) for not being up for sex which is making me really resent him and we barely talk at the moment! I have tried to talk to him but he gets defensive and starts and argument. I can’t win!
Opinions would be amazing as I’m going out of my head! Thank you Grin

OP posts:
AdaArdor · 28/10/2018 18:55

He's an idiot!!!

sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch · 28/10/2018 18:56

Does he have any redeeming qualities OP?

Charley50 · 28/10/2018 19:00

He's an arsehole. Tell him you need a partner who can support you and that who you can be a team with. See if he can respond to that with anything helpful or a change of behaviour.

Gingerlover2 · 28/10/2018 19:00

Sounds like a rather unpleasant person. Obviously you love him but no, this is not you it's him.

Sit him down and explain how hard you're finding things, don't apportion blame or he'll disappear deeper in to his man cave.

He does have a pretty shitty attitude, so if that doesn't work, then suggest counselling as it will only get worse.

LabradorMama · 28/10/2018 19:01

Is this for real?

Original poster
Peanut17 · 28/10/2018 19:02

He does, he’s amazing with our son and does try to help with housework when he has a day off.. he does the dishes and the bins. I’m just struggling with it all and he’s doing my head in! It’s like having another child Sad

OP posts:
PickAChew · 28/10/2018 19:02

Tell him the 1950s want him back.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 28/10/2018 19:05

Can you go stay with family to get some support?

kaitlinktm · 28/10/2018 19:06

He does the dishes and the bins? Oh well that's all right then? Hmm

What are these "rights as a man" he claims - going to the pub every day? When do you get your rights as a woman? (And what would they be?)

I can't believe people put up with this sort of stuff.

Original poster
Peanut17 · 28/10/2018 19:12

My family is away on holiday for the next month so I’ll be speaking to them when they are back. I’ll definitely have somewhere to go if I really need to though, I’ve told him I never get to go enjoy myself at the pub or even a shower alone.. he can be lovley sometimes but most of the time he’s an arse. But finding out I’m pregnant was a huge shock and it’s put me in a horrible situation with trying to figure out if this relationship can be saved

OP posts:
Applebloom · 28/10/2018 19:19

Rights as a manHmm hilarious his right to ignore his partners request for help to take over at home after work, share the load each day, he'd rather drink and effectively escape mundane family life than be a supportive partner !

He's the idiot.
he's controlling what parts of family life he opts in and out of. Isn't it a pity you're not afforded the same options!

DianaT1969 · 28/10/2018 19:28

Does he want this second child? It doesn't sound as if he wants to be part of a family. Was your first child planned? Does he resent you not working?
I think you need to discuss the fundamemtals with him, rather than particular household chores. Too many threads od women on here with small children, unable to work and financially vulnerable. Add a man-child to the mix and it's a problem.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 28/10/2018 19:30

The list of redeeming qualities seems short, could you do a list of pros & cons of continuing with relationship? Children aside? I say this because I stayed for the dc which was a bad decision & I thought I was doing the right thing for everyone.
Pestering you for sex & heading to pub regularly when you're not feeling great isn't nice

Original poster
Peanut17 · 28/10/2018 19:31

He was over the moon when I told him I was pregnant, he’s happy for me to stay at home to bring up our kids and would rather I did that for a couple more years. Our son was planned but happened very quickly! I’ve tried to talk to him about the bigger issues but he just turns it onto me or gets angry about it

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/10/2018 19:32

Who brings these men up ?

And who brings these women up who partner them without noticing what a twat they are ?

It is unfathomable to me.

Fontofnoknowledge · 28/10/2018 19:34

What's your situation OP ? Is it joint tenancy or jointly owned. ? Do you have any financial security. You refer to him as your DP , so presume you are not married.

Fontofnoknowledge · 28/10/2018 19:36

Agree that it's a bit strange to have TWO children with a twat as presume his twatism hasn't manifested itself in the short time between pregnancies. !

81Byerley · 28/10/2018 19:36

He does the dishes and the bins? Wow! He deserves an "I've been a good boy badge". Perhaps you can make him one when you've finished doing everything else....

mindutopia · 28/10/2018 19:52

Lol @ “taking away his rights as a man”. My dh works til 5-6 every day, gets up in the morning in time to get our oldest ready for school (while I do the baby), comes home to do all washing up plus take both dc while I cook dinner and do whatever else needs doing, then does bath and bedtime for our older one (while I do baby again) and then does admin work from his home office (he’s self employed) the rest of the night. Sounds like your partner had plenty of room for picking up some slack, which he certainly needs to get used to doing before #2 comes along because it gets a lot harder then.

Mary1935 · 28/10/2018 20:02

He has deep embedded views that women do all the housework and look after the children. It’s your job and you had better remember this.
I’d look at his upbringing and I would gaurentee he was brought up in the same way.
He won’t change and who the fuck is he to ccomment that the house isn’t “tidy”
Have you ever gone out for the weekend and left your child with him.
Then come back and critise him for what he’s not done.
This is who he is sadly. He even goes to the pub after work - do men still do that every night.
He’s acting like a single man with all the perks.
Do you have access to money at all.

SlowlyShrinking · 28/10/2018 20:02

He sounds awful

madcatladyforever · 28/10/2018 20:04

I'm surprised you even need to ask. I'd sooner be a single parent than live with an arsehole like that tbh. i really feel for you.

sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch · 28/10/2018 20:12

He sounds awful OP. You do not need to put up with this.

socksortights · 28/10/2018 20:33

Reading this has just reminded me what a great DP I have. I am also pregnant and feeling sick, tired, ugly, fat - you name it. But my DP is being an absolute angel.

I am not saying that for any other reason then to show you that your DPs behaviour is not normal and not acceptable.



Original poster
Peanut17 · 28/10/2018 20:35

Thank you for all your replies, I’m so glad it’s not all in my head! I’ve gone to bed as I can’t deal with his grumpy pouting face tonight Grin I’m going to have one last attempt at trying to have an adult conversation with him tomorrow and go from there!
As far as house/money situation it won’t be ideal on my own especially with baby on the way but I have great family who I know would support me if needed. He seems to be living a different life to me as he thinks we’re fine and the only problem in his eyes is that we don’t get jiggy enough Confused

OP posts: