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Original poster

Is he lazy or am I bring unreasonable?!

27 replies

carlap82 · 28/10/2018 15:26

Hi,

I need some advice as I feel like I might be going slightly crazy!! I've been with my boyfriend now for nearly a year and he has moved in with me now. After going through a divorce and some rubbish relationships he is the nicest man I've met in a long time but we keep arguing about the same things.

I had a missed miscarriage this June after being 14 weeks pregnant, had to have a d&c and I found the whole thing extremely distressing and still do!! Now while I was pregnant me and my boyfriend did not live together. I went straight into nesting zone and wanted to move and make changes to things. He was so laid back to the point it drove me mad!! We had the chance of a house but he was reluctant to pay the rent and deposit which made me feel bad.

He is now really keen to try again for a baby but is still reluctant to do things round the house. He is a plumber and always leave his tools out in the dining room as he says it's annoying for him to tidy then away every day etc. He also doesn't seem that bothered about fixing the toilet or putting in a bath for if I get pregnant. See Mr logic is get all these things done before I am pregnant so that or lessens the stress but he doesn't see it that way.

I'm constantly nagging him about his mess etc, I'm just so scared of feeling the stress levels I had last time but he doesn't understand. He just keeps saying he took do these things when he absolutely needs to. He also says I keep 'attacking him'and that him having to keep things tidy is annoying?!

Part of me is thinking if he is like this now what is he going to be like if we do have a child? It scares me and I have told him but it's not sinking in. I don't want to break up but do I need someone with a bit more 'initiative or get up and go'.

It's just I feel like I ma having to plan for the future in my own and think for the both of us.

Any advice would be appreciated!

OP posts:

SenoritaViva · 28/10/2018 15:28

You don’t sound compatible to be honest. Sorry. With children it will be worse!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/10/2018 15:34

Not even a year into a relationship and already he can't be arsed?

Nope! Not a keeper!

Oh! You are NOT NAGGING him about his mess. You are telling an inconsiderate, selfish, lazy gobshite to remove his crap from your dining table!

At least he is persistently and loudly telling you who he is... you are getting the message, aren't you?

HollowTalk · 28/10/2018 15:38

Oh no, you don't want to live with someone like that! He's not house-trained and you'd end up wanting to kill him.

Original poster

carlap82 · 28/10/2018 15:42

He is lovely most of the time but we are going round in circles a bit about the planning for the future thing. I'm a very tidy person and like to plan ahead. It was my house which I rented on my own so I thought it could have been me being stuck in my ways but like you say I don't think I am being unreasonable not wanting copper piping all along the dining room floor!!

He is also allergic to my cats so I have made sure they are kept out of our bedroom and they are now let outside to try and compromise. He has a computer which is in the bedroom (as he says it is cat free) but it just looks ugly not withstanding the fact if I want am early night he is playing on his games. It's a two double bedrooms house with an attic and a dining room. O keep suggesting the computer going in another room but he refuses saying the cats will jump all over it. My whole point to this is that things will have to move and change to have a baby but he won't see it!!!! Arrgggh

OP posts:

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 28/10/2018 15:43

I’m sorry but this just seems like too much hardwork, I don’t think you’re suited. It’s only a year, if he’s not going above and beyond for you now he never will. You’ll end up doing everything for him and a baby it’ll lead to resentment.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 28/10/2018 15:44

Have you outright asked him ‘where will the computer go when the baby comes? I want it their now so you’re used to it’.

PaintingOwls · 28/10/2018 15:45

I have told him but it's not sinking in

It is sinking in, he just doesn't care.

I would not have a child with a man like this.

teaandtoast · 28/10/2018 15:48

He's not Mr Compromise, is he? 😂 I wouldn't have a baby with a man like this.

Mousey765 · 28/10/2018 15:48

You aren't compatible. A year is quick to be planning a family (its quite soon even for living together for a lot of people) and this is why- it takes a while to figure out if things will work long term with someone. He isn't necessarily lazy- but he clearly has very different standards to you and neither of you are going to change all of a sudden.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/10/2018 15:51

No............ he has moved in with you and ridden rough shod over your home. He is perfectly entitled to make it feel like his home too, but he doesn't seem to have given you a second thought!

Cats leaping all over his PC, why? Can't he be arsed to close the door either?

I am really sorry carlap but you just sound like a convenience. Less than a year and he has moved in, ousted your cats and uses your space as his dumping ground. He isn't life partner material for you!

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2018 15:58

I'm asking this in all seriousness, why are you ignoring all of these massive red flags and incompatibilities? You are clearly not suited for each other and are already the nagging mum in the relationship. Is that really what you want and why would you even consider having a child with such a useless man?

whynot93 · 28/10/2018 16:07

O wonder why his last marriage failed 🤔

BewareOfDragons · 28/10/2018 16:17

I'm sorry, but he doesn't sound like a keeper ... he should be still trying very hard to impress you ... he's not. You will be stuck doing it all and trying to get him to do the bare minimum if you have a child with him by the sounds of it.

FinallyHere · 28/10/2018 16:17

really keen to try again for a baby but is still reluctant to do things round the house.

There are sooo many threads here on MN about partners who do not do their fair share of housework.

Part of me is thinking if he is like this now what is he going to be like if we do have a child?

You are already aware that this might be your life, is that really what you want for yourself, and your child?

Allergic to your cats, moved his computer into your bedroom.

This would be a big fat no from me, with a side helping of some soul-searching, even some counselling for you, to work out why you are even contemplating letting him continue to ride roughshod over you

trojanpony · 28/10/2018 16:21

Look at what you have written.

With children everything only gets worse.

Don’t have children with this man.

lifebegins50 · 28/10/2018 18:07

How old are you? You seem so keen to make this ok despite so many differences.

The tools in the house is just lazy, how would it work with a baby crawling.

Sometimes our need to meet "the one" makes us blind to obvious issues..only settle for this man if YOU can let go of your standards and consistently give into him.

A year really isn't a long enough time to know anyone well...certainly not to have a baby. If it goes wrong, and it sounds like it will then you will have 18 years of conflict as you hand your baby over knowing his house is unsafe.
He is entitled to not look to the future or show initiative, if you don't like this trait don't settle as it will get much worse.

Wish82 · 28/10/2018 21:01

To be honest finding out I was pregnant and everything else all happened very quickly and ideally I wanted things to be more in place, I still do. I'm 36 and I do want s family but I want things to be righr first. He isn't a horrible man or anything like that but I just need to instill in him how important these (may be minor things to some people) are very important to me. I've tried, shouted tried generally chatting but he will only do to see things when it's absolutely necessary.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/10/2018 21:36

This is sadly the latest in a long line of your ultimately rubbish relationships. This is not the right relationship for you and you ignore that fact at your peril. Do not let your wish to have a family here further cloud what you are seeing with this man in front of your very eyes. He sees chores as your job, he has no interest in putting his tools away because he is lazy.

Why is your relationship bar so low here that you have allowed this man to invade your home and oust your cats so. You two are fundamentally incompatible and I think he is with you primarily because you are convenient and have a low relationship bar.

Mousey765 · 28/10/2018 21:44

It isn't one habit you're asking him to change. If you were just asking about him putting his tools away, he could probably learn that as a new habit.

The issues are patterns of behaviour that relate to his personality and wider attitudes and values. You can't change those by persuasion.

7yo7yo · 28/10/2018 23:00

He just really doesn’t give a fuck about you, your wants and needs does he?

Sethis · 28/10/2018 23:12

As a guy with a computer, who likes his games, and with a bunch of hobby-related crap to cart around, if my DP was lovely enough to let me live with her, then I damn well would treat her house with respect, put my shit where she asked me to, and would do my best to keep tidyness to the same level that existed before I arrived.

Add onto that, he doesn't seem at all interested or motivated in doing any preparation for having a child. Much as he says 'Yeah I'll put the bath in once you're pregnant' then I can easily see that becoming 'Oh, I'll do it later, do it later, do it later.... oh, you gave birth.'

Do you honestly think he's going to do MORE of the chores after the baby is born? Hand on heart, honestly?

I would certainly think extremely hard about whether you want to tie your life to this person for a minimum of 18 years.

thereallochnessmonster · 28/10/2018 23:16

So you got go after only 8 months together?

Let his behaviour now and then guide you. You’re not happy, there are loads of things you argue about, you’re not compatible, he doesn’t Compromise or give a shit about what you want.

Why are you still with him??

Applebloom · 29/10/2018 10:51

Op it isn't your job to instill in a grown man how to stop leaving his shit around! He knows how to pick up his work tools
he knows how to do diy
he knows how to keep cats away from his pc
He knows it all he just chooses to do stuff his way and this is the man he is, no amount of talking at him will suddenly make him see his work stuff don't belong in a dining room cos he doesn't care where you think it should go.
As for having a baby so soon be prepared for more of the same just with a baby demanding its basic needs met 24/7 while you're still trying to instill respect in a grown man!

hellsbellsmelons · 29/10/2018 11:47

and that him having to keep things tidy is annoying?!
Yep - and guess what? It's the same for everyone.
But we have to keep things tidy, to enjoy a nice peaceful clutter free home life.

He's moved in with you.
Did you not put down any ground rules on this?
In all honesty, it's basically a lack of respect for you and your space.
It's saying he doesn't give a shit about you and what you want.
Sorry, but unless you want a lifetime of this, with it getting worse, then you need to cut your losses now.
Tell him to move out as you can't live like this and he's massively encroaching on your space and his lack of respect, means the relationship will not work out long-term.
It might shock him into doing something about it...... for about a week!!!!!
He won't change so don't believe any of that bullshit.
You are the little woman and he is the high and mighty MAN.

Rarfy · 29/10/2018 11:52

@carlap82 i wouldnt waste my time if i were you.

My dp can be similar at times. It has resulted in us moving house at 6.5months pregnant. It has been such a stressful time and life would have been so much easier if we had done it before ttc.

I can't live in mess and it is a constant dispute between dp and i. I feel like a constant nag which is shit when you should be enjoying bringing a baby into this world.

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