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Original poster

Is this even a relationship? Am I expecting too much?

27 replies

insertsomethingwitty · 28/10/2018 08:14

My marriage ended last year and I have been doing OLD since January. I met someone in July and we are now technically in a relationship. Except it doesn't feel like it.

For a while we saw each other twice a week. Once on a week night when he would come over to mine and on a weekend evening when we'd go out. A few weeks ago when I asked if he was coming over midweek he said it was making him feel pressured. Since then I've backed off and we've only been seeing each other on a weekend evening, we'll go out, he'll stay over and then leave in the morning. He's already gone this morning.

We do text every day, but maybe only once or twice.

I like him a lot. I have children and was happy with the two evenings a week and don't feel like that was expecting too much. But is it? I'm not sure if I should just accept he's not that into me. I've tried talking about it with him, but he's not a big fan of conversations about feelings and because I see him only once a week I don't want every time to be asking him about what he wants.

I think I need some outside perspective, my gut feeling is he likes me, but maybe just not as much as I need/want him to.

OP posts:
NoOffence · 28/10/2018 08:18

It sounds to me that you want different things out of the relationship- perhaps he wants it to be more casual than you?

The red flag to me is that he won’t discuss it with you. This would have me calling time.

Singlenotsingle · 28/10/2018 08:20

You're right. He's just not that into you. At the start of a relationship, surely you want to see the beloved as often as possible, not just once a week? And he's already got up and gone so not even spending Sunday with you? He sees you as a convenient Saturday night shag, I'm afraid. Time to move on OP.

Kennycalmit · 28/10/2018 08:20

Nope, sorry OP. I don’t think it sounds like he’s that into a proper relationship - sorry

At the beginning it’s all new, fun and exciting where you wanna see each other all the time. Unless you live quite a distance from each other, I don’t think he’s that into it. Sorry, hope I’m wrong

safetyfreak · 28/10/2018 08:21

Sounds like a booty call to me.

I have a child and I see my boyfriend twice a week, he comes round during the evening during the week and we spend the day together at the weekend.

I would be very wary of a man like this and you should never ignore your gut feeling. Have you guys ever had a day time date? All seems to be in the evening.

If I was you, I stop the evening dates and try get him to go out with you during the day. If he is still resisting then dump.

Joysmum · 28/10/2018 08:22

Sounds like he’s just doing the minimum for sex to me?

ThankyouLinus · 28/10/2018 08:24

Everyone's different of course but this isn't a relationship I'd be happy with. When DP and I started seeing each other Sunday's would be for a nice brunch, shopping, Sunday lunch, cinema etc. I'd feel offended if he'd have left by 8 in the morning after staying the night.

PookieDo · 28/10/2018 08:24

From experience you are going to get hurt. It sounds like he likes you but you like him a lot more. That you want to progress and he wants to retain a lot of freedom.

I’ve literally just been slated on my own thread on this board for having my own opinions and expectations from what a relationship is supposed to be but I am no longer sorry for that. It has been conditioned into women to put their own needs and wants to the back, to value what the man wants so we don’t ‘scare them away’ sorry but that just = under valuing yourself!
It’s fine he told you he feels pressured what isn’t fine is that you clearly are sad about it and no further discussion is taking place. You know it’s actually ok to want to spend time with someone in a relationship and not have to feel like this? This is a part time relationship that isn’t working for you. It’s ok to tell him that and if he doesn’t want more, he should walk away. If he won’t give more you should walk away

Lionsandtiger · 28/10/2018 08:29

I've been in similar situations (single mum, old). I think you should trust your gut that he likes you. As you like him too, it may be that he's worried you may want to introduce dc soon etc. I'd really try to discuss with him or even on text. Say something like 'I like you and enjoy spending time with you, glad that we're taking it slowly' or similar. Does he have children?

If you're looking for a committed relationship quickly then I would leave this one, but once a week sounds good to me at this stage. To an extent I'd agree he's enjoying the sex part too, depends whether that's working for you? I'd be happy with the situation but then I'm not looking to have a serious relationship or introduce someone to my kids.

Original poster
insertsomethingwitty · 28/10/2018 08:32

Yes, we do have day time dates and last weekend we spent from Saturday morning until late Sunday afternoon together as my children were elsewhere. It's been mostly evenings because of my childcare rather than him. Today he has gone already because my children are here and he had an activity he was doing with a friend.

He will talk about it if I bring it up, but I get the feeling he would rather not. He is pretty introverted and definitely needs time alone away from people, which I do understand. I guess my gut feeling is it makes me feel sad and frustrated more than it does happy and settled. It's been a long time since I had a new relationship, so not sure how it should be at this stage.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 28/10/2018 08:32

I'm sorry OP but I agree with others that it sounds like a FWB rather than an actual relationship.

My marriage ended last year and I have been doing OLD since January

Do you think you may have started dating too soon? I was married for 7 years and I wasn't ready to date until about 3yrs later. I'm a late starter I know...

Livingloving · 28/10/2018 08:32

Th best thing about a relationship in the early days is a Sunday morning lazing in bed yet he’s gone by 8am? I’d be insulted by that tbh. What is he doing for the rest of the day that can’t include you?

Livingloving · 28/10/2018 08:33

Oh just seen your children are there. That makes a big difference.

PookieDo · 28/10/2018 08:34

Once a week still after 4 months and the guy asking to see OP less doesn’t seem like a good progression to me

Alongside not being able to have discussions I would throw this one back in the sea

category12 · 28/10/2018 08:38

He chose to drop seeing you to once a week, so he doesn't seem that fussed. I don't think your expectations are off. Is he travelling a long way to see you? Is it him coming to you all the time?

If it's not working for you, then say so. It's early days not to feel loved-up.

IronNeonClasp · 28/10/2018 08:42

I saw someone for 10m when I came out of my marriage. I made all the effort, he hardly ever came to my house. I was ready for him to meet my kids after 9m and he avoided that until it all ended.

Wish I had seen it sooner and not wasted time on someone who despite telling me over the summer "he loved me" he really didn't and it was some kind of fuck buddy situation. Twatfuck

Original poster
insertsomethingwitty · 28/10/2018 10:11

Yes, perhaps I did start dating too soon, but it was me who ended my marriage and if I'm honest I'd checked out of it a long time before the official end. So it didn't really feel too soon. In hindsight though it probably was and online dating is absolutely brutal and you need the skin of a rhino, which I didn't have.

Agreed, it's not a good sign that he's happy with seeing me less. We have plans for the next few weekends together. I think I might give it another few weeks and let him lead for a bit. Why can't things ever just be simple. How people manage to find someone they like and who likes them equally back and have a happy fulfilling relationship is amazing. After being unhappily married for a long time and then this it seems totally unobtainable to find that mutual happiness.

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 28/10/2018 10:28

Op I had a fwb and he is now my Dp. We clearly let feelings get involved.

One of the main signs we werent FWB is that we spent as much time together as possible. Around my ds, but still be would come see me when he could.

He works nights and would pop in for a cuppa before he went to work and ds was in bed. Then on his way home from work before as got up. This was before we were in a relationship.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 28/10/2018 10:32

Honestly, I wouldn't waste any more time on him. Things are meant to progress in a relationship, not go backwards. He should be wanting to see you all the time, not less. Find someone else who is more into you and wants the same from a relationship as you do.

PookieDo · 28/10/2018 10:33

You find it when you find it
You don’t find it when you settle for a person who doesn’t feel the same way

Livingloving · 28/10/2018 10:35

How old are your children? Does he have dc?

Original poster
insertsomethingwitty · 28/10/2018 10:49

This is very true. I swore after wasting years in a marriage that I would never settle again, but here I am. It seems old habits die hard. My children are 10 and 12, he has no children and seems not bothered about having any of his own. We are both mid-30s.

OP posts:
PookieDo · 28/10/2018 11:13

It’s really easy to do - the learning curve! I couldn’t even show you my blocked numbers list now it’s huge! But I lived and learned through them all. As will you x

ALittleBitConfused1 · 28/10/2018 11:23

A couple of months in i would be happy with this arrangememnt. Ive been single about 18 months and ive got used to my week days routine, i like having my own time to do my own thing after work.
Winding down and getting ready for the next day.
Ive been seeing someone for a couple of months and i see him weekends only. Im not in any rush to make it more frequent, its too soon. This weekend he has his children so there was talk of doing something tonight but tbh i need a day to sort some stuff so we will just do something next weekend instead. In the first 6 months or so i think its important not to lay too much on it. Just let it grow organically.
But if it isnt working for you then it isnt working. It seems to suit him though, that doesnt make one of you right and the other wrong it just means your level of contact expectations are different.

chestylarue52 · 28/10/2018 13:34

Do you actually know what you want? Do you want to see him more or do you just want him to want to see you more?

Original poster
insertsomethingwitty · 28/10/2018 14:22

I want to see him twice a week. I think that's about right for this stage of the relationship. But for that to work he needs to want that too and not just be seeing me midweek because he thinks I'll moan about it if he doesn't.

OP posts: