Anyone want to leave but don't want to deal with the uncertainty of life alone?

[purple8pig]

Just that really? Dh and I are definitely not soul mates. We are so different, without going into it too much he has led and cheated I've tried to forgive etc but it's hard. He's into games, comics, memes, I want to talk about real things, the kids education, the current issues surrounding trans, my career (or lack of)

But after 4 babies (2 ridiculously large) my body is ruined and after his cheating and lies my confidence is shot so I really don't think I could ever be with anyone else even in the remote possibility someone would give me the time of day.

Not really looking for advice but it's anyone else in a similar situation?

(BTW I'm not being unfair to him, he knows I'm not happy but would rather me be with him and not happy than separate)

I sound like I'm being horrible. Id just love someone so talk to who would listen at least sometimes and join in the conversation, instead of either ignoring me and king about games /memes or acting as though they're listening but forget the conversation ever happened a day later!

Staying with someone because you don't think you will find another partner is not the way to go. If your partner is making you feel so horrible about yourself and you are not happy with him then leave.

Moving away from a toxic situation can do wonders for you. You might find that once you have left him you can finally start to focus on your own well being and work on your confidence.

Stop thinking about other men and future relationships and put yourself first.

There is "comfort in the known" I suppose, but you might feel more alive taking risks.

Your body is not ruined we are in the era of cosmetic tummy tucks and boob lifts etc if you feel that your physical appearance is causing you to feel like this there's gyms pamper sessions to make you feel better.

You could also sign up for some hobbies and meet interesting people and groups whereby you can discuss all the topics that interest you.

Career wise perhaps start slow with part time and get motivated to work in a field that challenges you

This husband of yours is just a layer of comfort but even at that he is terrible.

You are worth so much more and you deserve true happiness and perhaps by starting to take an interest in your own wellbeing you will start to find this happiness.

X

You can adjust to being alone if you make the effort. Over the last decade or so I've worked at it but only in the last five, really. The first five I was either waiting impatiently for my DC to grow up a bit or trying to date. I accept now that I'll always be single. I have done a lot of reading, lot of thinking. Rediscovered what sparked joy when I was a child. Taken up pursuits for PLEASURE and not for the purpose of maybe meeting somebody. Also got a lot more introverted as I have got older. But do still have social needs which are at least partly filled at work. I am brave enough to go somewhere on my own. Or my DD comes with me. Or one of my single friends will come if I ask in advance. It's getting easier as my single friends' own children get older. They have the freedom to go out. Have my own plan, agenda, job, I can fill my time. Feel like I've things to do, places to go to and people to see and I'm looking forward to the future. Once upon a time I hesitated to leave a dickhead because I was afraid of being single person forever. I am so much less anxious now and SO much happier with the person I am now.

I don't have as many children as you so I would make sure that he does 50:50 childcare so you can carve out a life for yourself.

ps what you need to do is to give yourself the ''time of day''!

Never mind thinking of yourself in terms of how a man would see you. Become a fulfilled content person by doing the things that fulfill you and heal you and make you feel secure and free but excited about the future. You can do that.

I understand.

Thank you I was actually expecting to get shredded on here! People saying I shouldn't be cruel and stay with someone when I'm thinking like this.

He knows though, or at least I've told him, but he just lives in the moment and if I appear happy that day he will think everything is OK

He is happy more or less but he seems so superficial. As long as he's got memes to look at on his phone or comic to read he is happy. He's short tempered with the kids (but happy to discuss Superheros or video games in great length with them)

I'm not thinking I'd like to get into a relationship at all! I thin ice had more than my share, but if I was alone then I probably one day would want to be, and I've so much anxiety in general and issues I think at this point I would never find happiness with someone else
(I'm basing this on my mum who left my dad when I was 12 and it's still dating guys and none of them are good enough etc etc, I don't want to be that way and I know it sounds awful but I'd rather be with dh than eternally searching for something that may never be

But not because I'm afraid of being alone.

Why stay if you're so unhappy?

I was scared of being alone, but that thought is so alien to me now, as I'm consistently the happiest I've been in years. I have such a better life now.

Maybe you'll get your self confidence back if you leave him. If you had a partner who was loving, faithful and boosted your confidence, then you'd love yourself more.

What is sad to me is that you think you are nothing without a man. You see yourself only in relation to the man currently in your life or the must-have replacement future man in your life. It's okay to not have a man in your life at all, now or ever again.

That's the thing, I'm not "so unhappy" or I don't think so anyway. I just feel like I'm maybe really picky, and I've never known anything else, he was my first real boyfriend, I've never been in a relationship other than this so maybe I'm just romanticising what it should be like based on TV./books.

Society is very couple centric after a certain age. The other married mums /married friends kinda ignore u at the weekend and socialise quite conservatively in couples at the weekend so it is best to be aware that you will need to create a different shape of life. But you can do that. You're viewing your future from the viewpoint of a married woman right now but your mindset will change and you will adapt to the changes. The changes are only change for a while. You adapt!

Purple. If you had 5 years left to live would you leave?
If you could MAGICALLY fast forward to AFTER you'd split up and all the acrimony had died down and you'f adjusted, would you fast forward

Major. They're very good points actually. If I only had 5 tears to live, I would stay, I would try to build and make the most of the family /life I have now.

If I could fast forward to after all the upheaval, then I think I quite possibly would.

Haha I'm a contradiction in itself! I love him, I do, I just wish he would think about me a bit more and think about what would make me happy. I feel like he just wants to think about things that aren't even real like games, football, comics and memes :/

So it the fear of change that keeps you stuck?

I advise doing something big or small outside of your comfort zone as often as possible.

Life is busy, so even it is risking a different route home it counts. Go somewhere alone. Talk to a stranger.

Just slowly but surely become a person who fears change less.

Thank you, that is actually very very good advice.

I also recommend reading and doing the exercises in nathaniel branden's six pillars of self esteem.

I stayed for lots of reasons but fear of being alone was absolutely one of the big ones

One thing that helped me was to realise that one day (not so very far off probably- suspect I'm older than you) I would be alone as my DP is
Likely to die well before me. So it was gonna happen anyway, if you see what I mean.

Also now that I am alone I much much prefer it. Ok sometimes it's a bit crap but I'd say 80% of the time I'm 100% alone and those 20 % are usually because I need some diy doing!!

Way I see it there's more uncertainty in an unhappy relationship than alone, when you think about it. You know where you stand with yourself. The certainty that you're currently getting is the certainty of being unhappy...

I was single for 12 years after splitting with ex husband, when we split my confidence was so bad I thought no bloke would ever look at me again, but knew that I'd rather spend the rest of my life in my own than be with him. I had a couple of short relationships but then decided to stay single and concentrate on my kids. And am so glad I did. I've now found my soul mate (kind of) and am very happy.

However you sound more dissatisfied with life than you do with your DH, yes he could probably do more but how about you make your life better and more interesting instead of expecting him to fill all your needs?

Without wishing to sound morbid, the only certain things in life are taxes and death.
Having a healthy body (irrespective of whatever shape or size it might be) is important but if you are healthy you can do whatever you want although some options are preferable to others.
Despite all the 'bad' stuff that appears in the news, the world is generally a nice place and you should not be frightened to go alone if you want.
My life changed dramatically, and on occasions I have stood in a supermarket and literally had no idea who or for how many I was buying food for. Now living alone if I died no one would discover me for weeks, in all probability which feels odd but not frightening.

Good points. Im more certain of equilibrium and fulfilment and security in my life now.

Also when i was with my x i felt unhappy or stifled or controlled or surpressed at least half of the time. At least! Now i occasionally think 'ive nobody to go to x y or z with" but if i want to go badly enough i do find somebody or i go on my own.

I would choose uncertainty over misery every time.