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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What the hell?

52 replies

Feckers2018 · 26/10/2018 23:11

Look I'm going to be absolutely honest. DH was a fully fledged sex addict for ten years. I found out by drip feed. Took me ages to get over and should have kicked him out. I in the mean time did use alcohol because it was all so fucked up. No excuse.
He took no responsibility at all. I pulled myself up and got a full time prof job.
Anyways..... if I have a glass of wine he over reacts totally. Friend came round and I had shared a bottle of nice red wine with her and him. Cue h calling me an alcoholic and I can't wait to finish the bottle. Hmmmm. Was absolutlely fine. He then, when friend has gone starts telling me that intimacy is about sex and I don't get it. When I begged to differ he said his girlfriends had no trouble with him and then walked out of the door to the gym. Was slamming doors in my face and saying I look horrible because I have red wine around my mouth. I did a bit but so what?
Of course I'm ending up isolated because my friends do expect normal fun eg chat and a glass of rose. Can i just say I only have a drink /glass of wine every month to get it into context.
Anyway hes obviously trying to take me down with him.
Feel like I'm losing my grip on whats what.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feckers2018 · 27/10/2018 00:14

So I presume his behaviour is really bad then? I didn't realise how bad. Thought i'd get a disussion about addiction. I'm too easy going.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feckers2018 · 27/10/2018 00:16

Think I've lost my grip on whats acceptable behaviour.

OP posts:
Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 00:20

Oh Feckers it is completely horrific. You are not to blame, and you do deserve better!

You have already suffered his abuse long enough only being able to find solace with alchohol, is sadly very very common when trying to live like that xxx

HollidayArmadillo · 27/10/2018 00:21

You sound defeated Fecker
So worn down by him
That's not what a partner should be
He should build you up, support you, make you laugh, make you smile, be your best friend, he should be the person you feel happiest and most comfortable with and want to be with all the time, happy or sad
No matter what else is going on it doesn't sound like he is any of those things to you
So what's the point really?
You only get one life, enjoy it, with people who make you feel good

Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 00:23

So maybe a list then:

I'll kick off with...
Not taking responsibility, for anything
Your always to blame, your fault
Derides you, comments negatively on the way you look
Taunts you about your apparent (projected)/addiction and uses it against you
Calls you names
Now, getting more violent/aggressive, slams doors in your face

Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 00:24

What can you add to that
Nodding vigorously to pp about all the positives you get from someone who is able to love

Flopjustwantscoffee · 27/10/2018 00:24

It's not so much toxic addict shit as abusive twat shit

AornisHades · 27/10/2018 00:25

Projection. If you get dressed up and go out you must be on the pull because that's what he'd do. If you have one drink it's the same as him having one extra marital shag because it's your addiction so why can't he have a shag for a bit of fun?

Bouchie · 27/10/2018 00:25

He sounds a total douche bag. I do think though you have had a lot to drink and sound like my Mum who is an alcoholic. That doesn't mean he is anyway in the right.

Original poster
Feckers2018 · 27/10/2018 00:26

I know I did abuse alcohol for a while but that was years ago and hes stuck in some weird place terrified I will mention what happened which puts me on edge.
He doesn't ever open up and stares at me as if hes afraid of ME. Never knows what to say and is socially awkward. Makes me feel odd. FFS. and you believe this he says he doesn't trust me. Lunatic.
That is all by the by isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Feckers2018 · 27/10/2018 00:29

I haven't had a lot to drink. Depends on your viewpoint. Two glasses of red wine. No I'm not an alcoholic like anyone's mum I just have a sense of humour.

OP posts:
Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 00:35

I don't know where 'sounding like you've had a lot to drink' came from, you shared one bottle between 3?

Yes I totally believe he doesn't trust you, because he wouldn't trust himself, so he views the world through that lens.

To speak to you in that way (referring to wine round your mouth, like every one wwhobhas a glass of red) says he despises you.

Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 00:38

He might feel threatened by you, scared of you, but he's also punishing you and hating on you.

Jux · 27/10/2018 00:42

Yes. He's an unpleasant bastard and you deserve to be cherished.

Original poster
Feckers2018 · 27/10/2018 00:53

Yes you're right he must hate me because I know the truth if you see what mean. So any excuse like tonight.
No point in trying. Thanks Shrieking.

OP posts:
Arsparsley · 27/10/2018 01:04

Frankly you sound as bad as each other? You are coming across as drunk in your post.
Grow up. Sober up. You have children for gods sake. Take some adult responsibility, drop the red wine and think.

HollidayArmadillo · 27/10/2018 01:16

Aye aye aye she's had 2 glasses of red wine on a Friday night with friends!
She doesn't need to 'grow up' and certainly does not sound like an alcoholic ffs!

Original poster
Feckers2018 · 27/10/2018 01:19

Hmmmm yes right. Could it be that I was a tad upset?

OP posts:
Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 01:20

Ars ?!! Explain what you mean here?! This is the sort of thing her abusive non-partner would be posting from upatairs

Original poster
Feckers2018 · 27/10/2018 01:20

Thanks Armadillo.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feckers2018 · 27/10/2018 01:21

Yes is that you from upstairs?

OP posts:
Original poster
Feckers2018 · 27/10/2018 01:23

Him I mean. Exactly what he would do.

OP posts:
Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 01:27

If you seriously think it is him, there is somewhere else you can go, where no-one would know

Original poster
Feckers2018 · 27/10/2018 01:35

Yes I know what you mean. Will think about it. Thanks you have been great Shrieking. Will reread tomorrow when I can think straight.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 27/10/2018 09:14

Why are you with him still

and a glass of wine (or two) is fine

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