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Original poster

Who do kids go to if you die??

61 replies

Beeperbird · 26/10/2018 23:02

Cut a long story short, I’ve never really gotten on with my in-laws. They have very different values to us. They’re nice enough but I don’t want them influencing my kids!
We were talking about wills the other day and my MIL directly asked me the other day who the kids will go to if we die (very weird

OP posts:

Villagelifer · 27/10/2018 05:44

Following rather than having advice but what a strange thing for your mil to say!

Nomad86 · 27/10/2018 06:42

We've written dh's sister in the will as guardian. Guardians don't have a legal responsibility to look after the child though I believe, so the four of us sat down and discussed it. In the event of one set of parents dying, the other would take in the children. We had another conversation after each couple had another baby to check everyone was still happy to be guardian to move children. I also let my parents know so they understood the reasons for our choice.

Original poster

Beeperbird · 27/10/2018 07:21

Thanks! I need to get a will drawn up ASAP I think. I didn’t realise guardians don’t have a legal responsibility to look after the child. We’re both very very sure we don’t want my MIL involved so will ask a lawyer for advice

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 27/10/2018 07:25

We are also looking into this. I reckon DH and I have different opinions on this which will be interesting.

Sunseed · 27/10/2018 07:27

You need life insurance so that there is money available for the children to be looked after without being a financial burden. It doesn't need to cost a lot for the peace of mind it brings.

BatsAreCool · 27/10/2018 07:31

I would definitely make sure your DSis is happy to be a guardian though as I wouldn't want to be put in that position and would say no if asked.

Then get life insurance so the person you nominate has the financial facilities to adapt their life to accommodate the necessary changes ( they may need to move to a bigger house etc as well as the sudden increase overall in expenses ).

If you think MIL may contest your wishes then mention that when you do the will. This wouldn't be uncommon to hear and a good will writer or solicitor should be able to guide you on what to write to help in any legal battle after your death.

And lastly it's good that you are thinking about this as so many people don't bother even writing wills let alone sorting out guardians which must be awful for those left behind.

AnotherEmma · 27/10/2018 07:33

You can make a will in which you state who you would like to be guardian(s) and who you would like your child(ren) to live with if you both die before they turn 18. You can also state who you would not like. Then you should also write a ‘letter of wishes’ explaining your reasons, this will be taken into account if there is a dispute.

The fact that your MIL would dispute it rather than respecting your wishes just confirms that she is the wrong person!

You do have to talk to your sister (or whoever you choose) but you don’t have to tell anyone else. They only need to know in the very unlikely event that it happens.

Btw if you are looking for someone to help you write a will i strongly recommend Marlow Wills. She is a mumsnetter. She helped us write ours and advised on a similar situation.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 27/10/2018 07:39

This is something that DH and I really need to sort by making a will, but which we disagree a bit over so need to properly hash out. I want it to be my brother and his girlfriend, who have a son a few months older than our DS. He wants it to be his parents, but does accept this is impractical as they're already in their mid-70s and DS is only four months old. The sticking points are that he wants there to be some sort of stipulation that DS would see his parents multiple times every week - which I pointed out would be legally unenforceable and also madly unreasonable; I'm sure my DB and SIL would do that if possible, but what if they need to move to the other side of the country for work? You can't ask someone to take on your child and then dictate their future life! - and also that he was horrified that I said that if that happened we'd have to leave at least some of our estate to DB and SIL. He thought it should all go in trust to DS for when he's 18 or 21 or something, but again it wouldn't be reasonable to expect them to take on all the costs of another child - they'd need a bigger house - with no help while that child has (if we died now) the best part of £200k in the bank between our house equity and two lots of death in service.

SnuggyBuggy · 27/10/2018 07:49

The life insurance would help. My DH has a policy through his work that would go to me. I don't know if DDs name could also be added. I think if DD was still young my parents would need some hired help as she is quite a high maintenance baby

BatsAreCool · 27/10/2018 07:50

LisaSimpsonsbff a good solicitor or will writer will bring these points up with you both to consider. The first meeting is often a chat (unless you have both considered everything up front) to find out your wishes and to raise points that you might not have thought about before they draw up any draft.

Your DH might think differently if a professional will writer or solicitor presents the 'what ifs' to him about how stipulating demands won't work and how not having the financial means will actually impact on the DCs life negitively if your DB and SIL are living hand to mouth whilst the money is tied up in trusts, or even if they say they can't take them in because of that so they end up in the care system.

AnotherEmma · 27/10/2018 08:04

There is a provision in our will that the guardians will be able to use some of the trust money to cover the expenses of looking after our child(ren). You just have to make sure your will writer includes something like that.

If they need a bigger house for example they could use some of the trust money which means that the house is jointly owned by the guardians and the trust, if it was sold the money would go back into the trust. If they are still living in the house when the child(ren) reach 21 (or whatever age you decide the trust will go to them) then they will be part owners.

ohlittlepea · 27/10/2018 08:07

In our wills we asked that my sister has the children, and is financially provided for through our life insurance.

continuallychargingmyphone · 27/10/2018 08:09

I no longer have a young child but I would personally have preferred foster care.

MsSquiz · 27/10/2018 08:13

DH and I Are named guardians for his DB and SIL's 3 kids. SIL has mentioned it to me, as they believe we would be the most likely to parent in a similar way to them and also ensure SIL's family are involved, plus we spend a lot of time with the kids, know their routine, etc.

DH's sister doesn't know this - she is the type of person who would think it is her "right" to be their guardian as she can't have kids and is the oldest sibling... (she did this when PIL were going to have DH as their executor, she threw a tantrum about it even though everyone knows DH is the most level headed of the 3 of them)

If it was me in this position, I would choose someone my kids love and trust and someone I believe who would continue to parent in a similar way to how I had

TheLastNigel · 27/10/2018 08:27

This becomes even trickier when you are divorced. In the unlikely event that both I and exh died, I don't think either of us would be happy with the thought of the dd's going to either set of in-laws as there is mutual dislike on both sides. The exception probably would have been my parents but they are now unfortunately both unwell. The other option would have been one of Exh's brothers who have not joined in the rest of his families nastiness about me-but they also seem to be going through some fairly tough times in terms of health and finances and I wouldn't want to add the burden of two bereaved kids to that. Had just better stay alive I suppose!

Aussiebean · 27/10/2018 08:30

We have my in-laws as guardians, but no expectation that they take the kids.

We have a few siblings between us and depending on the age of the kids, some would be better then others. Plus circumstances change. What would be good today may not work in 5 years.

So we have given them an idea of what we want. Eg not to go to my Aus brothers if they are in their GCSE years. And trust them to decide what’s best at the time according to our wishes.

Both of us also have a statement in our wills that my mother witl have no say or input in the decision and no visitation. She probably won’t contest but feel better it is there.

Original poster

Beeperbird · 27/10/2018 11:21

Gosh it’s more complicated than I thought! A lot to think about. Will definitely go to a solicitor now (we were originally thinking of doing one of the “at home” will writing kits). I’m lucky that both DH and I agree that his family would definitely not be suitable... at least makes that part easier. Just need to think of a nice way to document it just in case it is ever needed!

OP posts:

TroysMammy · 27/10/2018 11:26

IAmNotLikeThem obviously has an issue with the OP using the word kids which are the offspring of goats.
If you don't have anything nice or relevant to say IAmNotLikeThem don't.

blackeyes72 · 27/10/2018 11:39

What a great thread! When the children were born, we did a will and put my parents down. They were late 50s so not too old at all. Now fast forward 14 years, they are early 70s and I wonder what to do, whether to change it or not. They live in a different country and whilst this didn't feel like a problem when the children were young, now it would be really hard to uproot them.

I have nobody else I can ask as it's four if them and all my friends have 3 or 4 children and couldn't take it on. So I will have to leave my parents on.

How old can they live on their own? I guess 18?

bumblebee39 · 27/10/2018 11:44

I have no idea

Mine would probably go into the system 😳

Am reminded constantly by everyone that I am their everything now as a single parent (ex not allowed them) so literally don't know what would happen. I dread to think.

CandyCreeper · 27/10/2018 11:44

As a lone parent I hope they go to my sister. she would have them anyway. wouldnt want ex having them as he hasnt seen them in a year but hes unlikely to want them anyway!

bumblebee39 · 27/10/2018 11:46

I don't have a will but I did have something like one before but it was dependant on ex being involved so need to change it now but literally couldn't name anyone who would be able and/or willing to have my kids

LisaSimpsonsbff · 27/10/2018 11:47

Thanks for the advice bats - it's actually really helpful because I'd been thinking that we needed to have it all sorted before going to a solicitor but I think you're right that we shouldn't put it off for that and seeing the solicitor might help!

vanitythynameisnotwoman · 27/10/2018 11:48

Do think of issues along with death - what about if you (both if 2 parents around) were in hospital/unable to look after the DC - would your guardians be happy to have the DC for the short/medium term - 4 weeks? 4 months? 4 years? I got horribly caught out with this when I was very ill for months/years and my sibling decided they wouldn't have my DC if I might get well enough to have them back. So DC was adopted. I have got better. It's devastating all round and I wished I'd talked about those situations with them when we talked about guardianship.

AnotherEmma · 27/10/2018 12:45

“Will definitely go to a solicitor now (we were originally thinking of doing one of the “at home” will writing kits).”

Definitely use a solicitor or Marlow Wills (was a family law solicitor now writes wills only).

We originally went for a semi-DIY service (Which Wills) but got stuck and cancelled. We needed something more personalised and tailored.

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