Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can a sexless marriage work?

66 replies

bamamama · 16/06/2007 21:35

Ok, the clue is in the title here & apologies if this subject has been done to death but I've read a couple of threads recently where there has been some discussion of men with low (or non existant) libidos. I'm in that situation myself and have just kinda got used to the situation. Who out there is in the same boat? How much does it bother you? (Just need to know I'm not on my own here..!)

OP posts:
snowwonder · 16/06/2007 21:41

i would have said no but it must be able to work if both people are happy with it..

my friend is getting married in sept and he hasnt had sex with his fiance for the last 3 years, i was shocked at this but thye seem ok with it, they are 30, so does age make a difference

chocyholic · 16/06/2007 23:14

IMHO, no, I don;t think so. I think it's the glue that sticks everything else together. But that's maybe because I'm not getting any!

Monkeytrousers · 16/06/2007 23:21

No, I don't think so. Sex releases many bonding hromones for both sexes - if the sex (or intimacy) stops, so do these hormones and the rit sets in. If you don't mind having a business like relationship then thats fine, otherwise, it's a massive irreconcilable difference, as they say in court.

Monkeytrousers · 16/06/2007 23:21

rot sets in I mean

thegirlwithnoname · 16/06/2007 23:27

I have changed my name for this. I have been with my DP for 17 years; during that time, we have never had a regular sex life, by regular I mean once a week, we can go for two or three years at a time without having sex. I have cried, begged, pleaded and called him all the names under the sun and it doesn't make any difference, he doesn't want me. I have put weight on in the past 8 years, which doesn't help, but I have been deperate for sexual (and physical attention, he will only kiss during sex) attention and don't recieve any so I self medicate with food. I am starting to loose weight now but I know it will not make any difference it breaks my heart to say this but we will never have a sex life like others now. I could leave but I love him, although sometimes I wonder if thats just an excuse. I could expand further on how things are but this has saddened me enough.

Monkeytrousers · 16/06/2007 23:28

How old are you GWNN?

thegirlwithnoname · 16/06/2007 23:30

35, I was 17 when we met and he was 25 (he is now 43)

Monkeytrousers · 16/06/2007 23:40

Hmm. Would he mind you having sex elsewhere?

thegirlwithnoname · 17/06/2007 00:04

I don't think he would be bothered but then again, if I did it so would he, at the end of the day it's me he doesn't fancy, not sex and I don't want that I want him to want me.

Original poster
bamamama · 17/06/2007 10:45

GWNN, are you sure it's not that he just doesn't like sex full stop? You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself saying that it's just you he doesn't fancy. If that is the case then are you sure you wouldn't be happier elsewhere (although I can talk!)? I'm luckier I suppose that my dh is affectionate in other ways it's just that no one is getting any and apart from anything else I'd like our ds to have a sibling!

OP posts:
DrNortherner · 17/06/2007 10:50

I don't think sexless mariages can work no. It just leaves teh rejected partner feeling unloved, un happy and unconfident.

All relationships go through droughts of course, but years and years? Not for me. I need to feel desired and wanted as does my dh.

Sex immedilatley has a wonderous effect on your relationship, you instantly feel more loving towards each other.

Monkeytrousers · 17/06/2007 10:52

Has he told you it's because you have put on weight. My ex-dp said this when I put about a stone on and when I lost it he made up some other excuse. Then talking to people who new his previous girlfriend, they told me he'd said similar things to her. He just had a low libido and sex didn't mean that much to him, but thought he needed an excuse other than this. His previous girlfriend left the relationship thinking she was utterly unattractive and I have felt like that with dp at times (we still live together as we can't afford to live apart at the mo, before ds goes to school). But as Expat once defined him, he is a mind fuck extraordinaire; I think it boils down to them not knowing what they want, or simply not being able to be honest with themselves.

You sound like you might have an underlying depression and I'd get that sorted out - find a away to get some control of your life and not have to rely on him for an opinion of yourself. Are you on ad's at the mo?

Monkeytrousers · 17/06/2007 10:52

Has he told you it's because you have put on weight. My ex-dp said this when I put about a stone on and when I lost it he made up some other excuse. Then talking to people who new his previous girlfriend, they told me he'd said similar things to her. He just had a low libido and sex didn't mean that much to him, but thought he needed an excuse other than this. His previous girlfriend left the relationship thinking she was utterly unattractive and I have felt like that with dp at times (we still live together as we can't afford to live apart at the mo, before ds goes to school). But as Expat once defined him, he is a mind fuck extraordinaire; I think it boils down to them not knowing what they want, or simply not being able to be honest with themselves.

You sound like you might have an underlying depression and I'd get that sorted out - find a away to get some control of your life and not have to rely on him for an opinion of yourself. Are you on ad's at the mo?

mytwopenceworth · 17/06/2007 15:19

Trust me, marriages where the couple don't want sex can and do work. i know. i'm in one. it's been 7 years now since we've had sex and i don't give a crap and neither does dh. i always come on threads like this and tell folks because so many people come on and say no, it can't possibly work, no it's not natural, no it means you don't love each other etc etc, and it can make someone who is in a sexfree relationship feel like there is something wrong with them, when there isn't. at all.

it only works in cases where both parties are happy with the situation, not in cases where one or other of you wants sex. but there are a lot of couples out there for whom sex is just not something they want or need. they are normal, warm, loving, happy couples. sex as an act is not what holds a couple together. a connection between a couple exists in their minds, not in their genitals. sex is an example of an expression of that closeness but it isnt the creator of that closeness and you can still have and feel the same closeness without the physical act of sex.

Budababe · 17/06/2007 15:28

I'm in one too. Haven't had sex since honeymoon and will be married 12 years in August. It DOES bother me. And I self medicate with food (and wine).

DH is just not interested - says it wouldn't bother him if he never had sex again.

We have a 5yr old DS (IVF) and they adore each other so I don't feel I can leave.

TBH sometimes it bothers me more and sometimes less. If I am fed up with him for anything though it will tend to play on my mind more.

allgonebellyup · 17/06/2007 15:35

i found that as soon as the sex/closeness dried up with me and dh, so did our marriage. i also found this with my previous relationship : in both cases i have ended up sleeping in a different room and it all just fell apart from there, both times.
Dh and i did agree to live together and not have any physical relationship, it lasted about 6months before we realised we had nothing left and were just like squabbling brother and sister.

i think sex does hold you together, otherwise you are just like 2 flatmates arguing over whose turn it is to wash-up.

noddyholder · 17/06/2007 15:52

I think if both parties are happy with the idea then it will work but otherwise no.It brings so much to the relationship and is the thing which distinguishes your relationship from the one you have with your friends.

lou33 · 17/06/2007 16:04

agree completely with noddy

Peachy · 17/06/2007 16:14

My experience (through DH's parents) is that they are a time bomb- they went without for 12 years before it all imploded nastily. Interestingly both aprties blame the other- so I suspect IF it is going to work its going to take an awful lot of communication. And honesty; FIl knew to the day when they last ahd sex, MIL seemed to believe it was a matter of months, though she may have been covering up for the sake of dignity (she wasnt the one who called it off).

Dh and I, like many, have had 'dry' patches of maybe a few months but then we get very moody and crabby. In fact if we dont have sex for a week or so we start to get edgy and feel hurt, which leads us to reject each others advances- and this elongates the issue.

My personal belief is that unless there is a medical condition involved (say depression, a physical issue or reaction to medication) then if its going on years you ought to consider whether you would be happier with someone who could fulfil you sexually. Now, your answer may well be no whioch is fine- but i do think its a good idea to ask the question regularly. I feel that if one isnt willing to make an effort occasionally theres an imbalnce in the amrriage. IYSWIM. Which can cause an awful lot of other issues.

Mog · 17/06/2007 16:21

Buda - did you have IVF because you weren't having sex? Sorry a bit nosy but seems a long way round to go!

Budababe · 17/06/2007 16:27

It's OK Mog - a natural question!

Initially looked into IVF because of the no sex issue. Turned out he also has very low sperm count. I do believe it is all connected but getting him to a doctor is nigh on impossible.

Mog · 17/06/2007 16:30

It sounds a tough relationship Budda - thanks for sharing.

Budababe · 17/06/2007 17:02

He is not all bad Mog - is currently cooking dinner!

FioFio · 17/06/2007 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

warthog · 17/06/2007 20:24

i think as long as you're both getting what you want out of the relationship it's fine. if neither of you want sex, you're a good match!