Can a sexless marriage work?

[bamamama]

Ok, the clue is in the title here & apologies if this subject has been done to death but I've read a couple of threads recently where there has been some discussion of men with low (or non existant) libidos. I'm in that situation myself and have just kinda got used to the situation. Who out there is in the same boat? How much does it bother you? (Just need to know I'm not on my own here..!)

First, isn't it awful that sex causes as much angst as it does happiness? And isn't it even more awful that it's something that so few of us are encouraged to talk about? That's why this thread is spot on. I really feel for anyone having a crap time with this stuff - if it helps I think it happens to us all at some time or another.

I also think that many couples need to redefine what sex means to them. Read any women's mag and you're given the impression that your bloke should be boffing you into next week every night otherwise you're just not doing it properly. What utter cobblers.
Sex is about more than chasing each other around Benny Hill stylee. It's about cuddles and laughing together and nicking chips off each others' plates. OK, it sounds cheesy but that's part of the marital glue too.

Course, if one of you wants sex and the other doesn't I know from past experience that this leads to the most awful self-doubt, frustration and feeling of helplessness. It's those feelings that eat away at you and that's why personally I'd get out of any relationship that made me feel that way, as hard as that is to do.

Oh, and while I'm at it can I just say that 'sexless' is a horrible, shitty word? It's like the words 'barren' or 'spinster' - such bleak bloody connotations. So I think that the laydees of this thread should plump for 'sexfree' instead. At the very least it hands back a bit of control.

Sx

My parents had a sexless marriage (apart from to create the offspring). Mum hated it, always craved it elsewhere and finally plucked up the courage (he is a scary man) to ask him why, a few years before she died - his response was "I just don't get the urge"....
She always suspected he didn't get 'the urge' because she was not of the correct gender.
Sure enough less than a year after she had died, my Dad took in a 'lodger' - ahem .

I resent Dad now for making Mum (who was a passionate and lovely individual with a tremendous capacity for love) go through her whole life thinking there was something wrong with her; which she did for years, she was fat/ ugly/ legs too short etc etc etc. She was none of these things.
I am not saying that men without the desire are gay (not at all), just that if you feel you are missing out then you probably are; don't waste your life, find happiness.
On the other hand if you are happy as you are then that's great - although the sex side of their relationship was dire, they enjoyed the theatre together and were great entertainers so it wasn't all bad

I have to admit I have wondered if I am, well, not quite what she wants, IYSWIM, but she had a fairly sheltered and religious upbringing, it would be very difficult for her to contemplate not being "normal"

no, it becomes a kind of 'marriage' on paper only

The Wright Stuff on Channel 5 is doing a piece on Friday 27th July on sexless relationshios and celibate marriages, so if anyone wants to share their story give them a call on 020 7173 55 55 or email [email protected]

I agree with allgonebellyup
'i think sex does hold you together, otherwise you are just like 2 flatmates arguing over whose turn it is to wash-up.'

I find that for me anything less than once a week and I get grumpy and fed up. I feel much closer to dh and generally happier when we are sleeping together. It all goes to pot when I'm pregnant but I can cope with that. If we go through a drought period outside that time I start to become really unhappy so for me no, it wouldn't work. And..... I never had that wham bam chemistry with dh, he was my friend and soulmate first, but I still do need the physical side.

I don't think so. Been married to second hubby for almost 12 yrs. He's diabetic, lost his right leg in 2005, anger problems, has not slept with me since 2002 (said it was originally punishment for a one-night stand I had) then he lost his leg and could not get up the stairs to our bedroom. He has been totally & completely impotent since about 2002. He has severe dental disease, I mean decay down to the gumline and won't see a dentist. Says we don't care and are letting him die. He now after almost 6 yrs. suddenly wants back in my bed...NO WAY!! I am hurt,confused, angry, and now disgusted by him. I even went along with a threesome for him in 2002, then he accused ME of cheating! Yes, I do have bi tendencies, but have not acted on them. I have been through hell with this man. He controls everything. I have no money, no bank accounts, no credit cards, nothing. I want to leave, but am afraid. I have to turn my paychecks over to him. I have not been happy for years. He just thinks it's due to my being Bipolar--hell, I'm crazy because of him!! I just want to be truly loved again, to have physical love again, to be kissed and not grossed out, to dance again, all the things I dream of each night. I want out but am terrified. He took a hammer to my daughter's room one night. I have 3 kids by my first husband (deceased). They are all grown. Two of them say "Go." Any advice??

Maybe, if it suits both of you but otherwise, No.

Angel63, leave! What are you scared of? It is possible to survive on your own. You deserve so much better.

My last relationship lasted 6 years and was with a man who didn't want me. Like others have said it's a horrible thing to go through. It didn't help that I absolutely adored him and fancied him like mad. It would have been easier to cope with if he'd at least fancied me back even if we couldn't be physical as there are lots of ways to be intimate but he just didn't see me that way.

It nearly destroyed me and what made it worse was that he had several flings during the relationship but I was stupid enough to take him back. I went through a horrendous bout of depression and self harm (have a history of it anyway but that was the worst episode ever) and was just recovering when I discovered he had slept with someone (he'd always denied it before and said the others were just friends). I finally found the strength to end it and he didn't want to stay anyway (I suspect I would have let him stay if he'd asked ) I felt so much better when it was finally over. He just didn't fancy me but he constantly told me that things would get better. I wish he'd been more honest.

Anyway he's now living with someone else (not the one I found out about) but has also cheated/is cheating on her. She doesn't know though.

I'd say if you're not happy then end it. I have DDs (not his) who he was brilliant with and that made me reluctant to end it but it was destroying me which was worse for them than us not being together. You are worth more than that. Don't let yourself be treated badly and don't blame yourself.

I often wished I could switch off my desire and did stifle my feelings to some extent. I used to kid myself that I'd rather sacrifice sex and have him than split up with him and have nothing. But being with him and yet not sharing that side of things was too much to bear in the end. It's so sad that women put up with it for decades.

I'm now on my own with my DDs and my baby DS who is from a relationship I had after I'd split up with the no-sex ex. The sex was fantastic with him but we got on well but he couldn't cope when I got pregnant and so he's not involved at all. I'd rather be on my own after all I've been through and concentrate on my children rather than trying to find a reliable and trustworthy man

Angel - I hope you don't mind, but I've started a thread for you - Click here As thought you would get more response from it.

Hi, I've decided I'm going to leave my husband because for years he has made me feel physically neglected. I was always the one to beg for affection, sex, chat, attention, whatever. But now i have so had enough. I have compromised, bla bla bla, but stayed with him because i thought i had to, because he's "such a lovely bloke" and because i was scared of going it alone. 2 children later (10 and 6) and i just can't bear to be in the same room as him anymore. i just want to go! i have had a couple of affairs, but they were just shit and empty. i thought i was being selfish by needing affection, but it has made me feel angry, self loathing and crap. i feel too resentful to work things out, he hates socialising and we have different interests now too. My whole being is screaming at me to GO. And I would call it SEXLESS, scampynoodle, not sexfree - what the fuck does that mean?? It is a shit word because it is a shit situation!

I have the same issue. We are married 9 years now, have a 6 year old, and have not had any for 4 years now. Even before that it was like once a year. It drives me mad, but we both love our kid and are good friends to each other. I am learning to grin it and bear it though I break down every now and then. He wont hear of going to a doc, saying it doesnt bother him. And if I bring up the problem it drives us even further apart, since he wont even give me physical touch like hugging, saying that I am constantly on his back. Its very tough for me, but its comforting to know that there are others like me out there.

I have been with my DH for 1 year. We have had sex 3 times at the start and nothing since last October. It doesn't bother me and we don't really talk about it. We are too busy having fun and are more like best friends who sleep together.

Will it work? I have no idea.

THIS IS AN ANCIENT THREAD!!!!

Mal, it's all that riash's fault....

Mind you, the title had me ready to spout off...