Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Way I'm spoken to

43 replies

Ella1980 · 26/10/2018 20:05

Hi all
In 2014 I finally found the courage to escape a very controlling marriage. I'm now engaged and until recently things were going well. However, there have been a few ocassions recently where my fiance has really upset me in the way he has spoken to me. For example, we were just chilling out in bed this morning and I teasingly said "Soooooooo...it's my birthday in three weeks! Have you got me something nice? Can I see?!" All completely tongue-in-cheek and good natured. To which he told me to stop being so immature and to bloody shut up and stop going on. It really upset me. Perhaps I'm being oversensitive but having escaped an abusive relationship once before things like this really hurt me. Any advice hugely appreciated. TIA xx

OP posts:

99RedBalloonsFloating · 26/10/2018 20:07

Trust your own feelings, you deserve more.

spanishwife · 26/10/2018 20:08

We can all say nasty things in the wrong moment to the people we are closest to. If you don't like the way someone talks to you, tell them, explain how it makes you feel. If it's happening all the time (e.g. that's the default), or they carry on regardless once you've told them, then leave the relationship. Don't waste your time with people that don't respect you.

BaldricksCoffee · 26/10/2018 20:12

I'd read that response as an inward "Oh shit, I'd forgotten it was her birthday coming up - how do I bluff my way out of this one?" to himself.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 26/10/2018 20:14

He knew, he just can't seem to be nice to me atm or have any sort of banter 😕

OP posts:

IAmcuriousyellow · 26/10/2018 20:17

That would upset me too. You won’t feel you can be spontaneous now, you’ll be watching what you say. You sure you want to marry him? You’re not long out of a rotten relationship, don’t be too quick to get entangled again.

Karrwomannghia · 26/10/2018 20:55

He was being horrible

Original poster

Ella1980 · 26/10/2018 21:06

I confronted him and explained how upset I felt by what he said. I said that I don't feel I can comfortably say anything 'jokey' now. He said I am acting like a five year-old and being oversensitive. And he carries on watching the football and just ignoring me 😕

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 26/10/2018 21:09

Sounds like he's a humourless arse.

PlinkPlink · 26/10/2018 21:10

He sounds like a really insensitive man. Not ideal when you've come out of an abusive relationship.

He sounds like a prick OP. Be careful... be wise... listen to your gut here and that dent to your self esteem....

Olderbyaminute · 26/10/2018 21:14

Fuck him tell him to go hug a landmine- what an insensitive ass!

99RedBalloonsFloating · 26/10/2018 21:17

Well done - after surviving an abusive relationship you clearly still have your internal compass intact and you know this isn't right. Trust and honour your instinct!

Get on with making the most of your life, you don't need a miserable plank dragging you down like this.

LordNibbler · 26/10/2018 21:20

Are you sure you want to be engaged to this person? It's very easy to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. Hopefully you haven't set a date yet. Please don't rush into marriage with this person. He doesn't sound like he's listening to you or your worries.

Sally2791 · 26/10/2018 21:27

I would disengage. He sounds nasty

dirtybadger · 26/10/2018 21:28

I don't know if what you said was funny/seems like an odd joke.

but he was mean. There's no need to just be mean and unkind to someone you're supposed to care about. If he's not nice to you now, don't expect much in 10 years time!

To go from married 4 years ago to engaged seems like a quick turn around. I think there's a high chance you've jumped from one shitty relationship into another to be honest....sorry don't be in any rush to commit to this guy!!!

Yvbmioasp · 26/10/2018 21:29

People who say you are too sensitive are blaming you for their bad behaviour. The red flag is there OP end it now.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 26/10/2018 21:29

We had set a date but I can cancel. I paid the first 25% deposit which we won't get back but that's the way it goes. I am worried about the impact it's going to have on my two lads as they get on very well with him but I can't make the same mistake again x

OP posts:

Maelstrop · 26/10/2018 21:39

And you’re with him because....? Please don’t marry someone who treats you with disdain.

Havaina · 26/10/2018 22:04

I would cancel. Did you pay the deposit yourself? Who was paying for the wedding?

Bluntness100 · 26/10/2018 22:07

Oh god, all the leave the bastard shit.

Op, is he often mean? Is this just a one off snappy comment? Has it been going on for long?

Badwifey · 26/10/2018 22:09

Had you mentioned your birthday a few times recently? Is it a big birthday? I'm not excusing how he spoke to you but if it was only a once off then I wouldn't be calling off a wedding over it. Maybe you had mentioned the birthday a few times in the last few weeks and he's feeling under pressure to come up with something that will blow you away..

Ginger1982 · 26/10/2018 22:10

Run FFS...

LordNibbler · 26/10/2018 22:11

@Bluntness100 I don't think any of us are saying LTB. Of course sometimes people can have other stresses in life and maybe take it out of a loved one. So maybe we are advising OP to step back a bit and not jump into a marriage she may regret. And if it all works out and it's just a blip then she can always rebook the wedding. She's already been in an abusive relationship, and I'm not saying this is one, but she should be 100% sure before she gets wed.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 26/10/2018 22:15

Yes, the first 25% and he was going to psy the second. I earn marginally more than him. We we going to fund the wedding ourselves as it would be second time round for both of us so can't expect parents to pay.

OP posts:

Havaina · 26/10/2018 22:23

I would ask him for half of the 25% now. Tell him you need to lend it to your mum or something.

It would be interesting to see his reaction.

Bluntness100 · 26/10/2018 22:27

So maybe we are advising OP to step back a bit and not jump into a marriage she may regret

On the basis of one snippy comment? Seriously?

I very much doubt there is even one person posting here who hasn't snapped at their partner, not one. And would be shocked if their marriage ended over it.

It's ludicrous advice.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread