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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Way I'm spoken to

43 replies

Ella1980 · 26/10/2018 20:05

Hi all
In 2014 I finally found the courage to escape a very controlling marriage. I'm now engaged and until recently things were going well. However, there have been a few ocassions recently where my fiance has really upset me in the way he has spoken to me. For example, we were just chilling out in bed this morning and I teasingly said "Soooooooo...it's my birthday in three weeks! Have you got me something nice? Can I see?!" All completely tongue-in-cheek and good natured. To which he told me to stop being so immature and to bloody shut up and stop going on. It really upset me. Perhaps I'm being oversensitive but having escaped an abusive relationship once before things like this really hurt me. Any advice hugely appreciated. TIA xx

OP posts:

LordNibbler · 26/10/2018 22:30

Are you one of those people who mistake bluntness for rudeness?

Original poster

Ella1980 · 26/10/2018 22:33

He would say he would have to save!!

OP posts:

BengalLioness · 26/10/2018 22:43

How often has he been like this ? Days? Weeks ? Months?

Keep trying to discuss with him why you feel like this and explain your previous experiences and the impact it has had on you. See what his response is and how long he changes for ...

If he doesn't last long or reacts badly and makes out you're the one with the issue- that's a bad sign. I would think hard before marrying him .

Havaina · 26/10/2018 23:07

So he wouldn't give you the money? He doesn't trust you with it and was happy for you to pay the deposit.

He doesn't sound great.

I would ask him for the money. When is th next installment due? Tell him it's not fair yo have paid 25% and he has paid nothing.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 27/10/2018 01:36

He would simply say he hasn't got it to give me, that he would need to save.

OP posts:

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 27/10/2018 01:51

Err it’s not just a ‘snippy comment’. I would absolutely advise someone steps back a bit if spoken to like that, it’s bloody rude and horrible! I’ve been married for a long time and have never been spoken to like that by my husband, and I’ve never spoken like that to him. I’m not saying LTB, but I wouldn’t be marrying a grumpy humourless dick, if that is what he is.

heath1977 · 27/10/2018 02:10

Well is that tour o or example of him being mean? I mean yes it wasn't great but no one is perfect all the time! My DH and I will both sometimes say "why are u talking to me like that"if we're using a shitty tone and it brings us down from a strop but isn't a deal breaker if you see what I mean
U have been together long enough to her engaged
What else has happened!?
Or maybe hes or you're both just a bit tense right now

heath1977 · 27/10/2018 02:11

Sorry should say "your only example"

Rebecca36 · 27/10/2018 02:14

When you said he told you you were being 'sensitive', I thought, "That's what bullies say".

Be very careful. Better to cancel the wedding and part from him than get into another bad relationship, not fair on your children either.

However he may be sorry, we all make mistakes and snap sometimes. Just make sure he doesn't do it again!

Original poster

Ella1980 · 27/10/2018 02:23

He's apologised, but not really if that makes sense? He always puts it back on me and says that sometimes I say hurtful things to him. Admittedly I may do from time to time but never intentionally; I do have trust issues as you can imagine and so sometimes try to push him away. He says he is perfectly happy in the relationship and just wants to know I'd the wedding is on or off. I've said we need to talk. Wedding not until Easter 2020 but I feel like there is no harm in postponing. He does not want to. I don't understand the hurry tbh!

OP posts:

AsleepAllDay · 27/10/2018 02:32

It's not going to get better - he doesn't care about your feelings

Original poster

Ella1980 · 27/10/2018 02:51

Every time he 'blames' me for overreacting and says I need counselling for my low self-esteem. Yes my self-esteem is incredibly low right now, and hurtful words don't help it!

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 27/10/2018 04:10

What do you mean every time?
So what else does he say/do?
You need to look after yourself and your boys first.

Sally2791 · 27/10/2018 06:21

And he doesn't think he needs to rethink his behaviour at all...

surlycurly · 27/10/2018 07:05

I was in a relationship like this recently. He was a fabulous guy in lots of ways but he had the ability to twist every little thing back to me. Generally he'd apologise afterwards but I simply didn't want to live with a life of doubt, defending myself and hurting from his nasty comments. The good simply didn't cancel out the bad. I called it off because I knew his expectation was that we got more serious. I just couldn't imagine being married to someone who spoke to me like that. I need more kindness in my life generally, and definitely in an argument, than he could offer. I obviously miss the good bits but I have NO regrets about getting out. Good luck with your decision.

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2018 08:17

Are you one of those people who mistake bluntness for rudeness?

No, I can fully grasp when you're being rude.

Op, what do you mean every time? As said, none of us are perfect, and please don't believe for one moment anyone posting who says they have never snapped at their partner or him them. People have arguments, bad days, have arguments, whatever, and it's the overwhelming majority of the behaviour that's important. We are all human and have off days.

As such, is this normal behaviour for him or is he generally not snappy?

RTFT · 27/10/2018 08:34

Get out now, he's only going to get worse. He's apologised but still trying to twist it round to being your fault. What will the next jokey comment be?

Shoxfordian · 27/10/2018 09:25

Marry someone who's actually nice to you and likes your company. Not him

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